(In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column

[QUARK]

Greetings Super Scum Magazine subscribers!

The repairs to SSM's corporate headquarters are complete and the annual swimsuit issue is on the stands on schedule. I've settled back into my office and am prepared to answer your letters. I'll start off with one I didn't have time to answer when we were at the undisclosed secondary HQ:


Dear Q.U.A.R.K.,

I find myself hampered in my quest to become benevolent dictator of the world by the sad quality of my agents. I am somewhat lacking in resources, so my current technique is to recruit gullible teenage girls, dress them in sexy outfits, and send them out on missions. Unfortunately this society we live in is so corrupt that only the hopelessly incompetent are naively idealistic enough to work for me for free. My chief agent is so giddy she can't concentrate on a single task for more than a second or so; when I criticize her for her inattention she says things like "Coherency is the Bugrom of the unimaginative mind" and "Weeeeeeee!" So far my team has made no progress toward conquest of our first city, much less the world.
How can I recruit intelligent, competent agents to my cause? They must be attractive and provide their own means of support; I will provide revealing uniforms and basic equipment.

Coquettishly,
Big City Bishonen
Dear Big City Bishonen,

One of the hard realities of the vill- er, benevolent dictator racket is that world conquest is damned near impossible to achive on a shoestring budget. Where you stand now, you should make your number one priority acquiring some source of revenue that doesn't envolve holding the world for ransom with a doomsday device (which you probably can't afford anyway). Consider starting a Television Evangelist Ministry; not only is it a good way to effortlessly rake in the cash, but you will soon have a cult of fanatically devoted minions numbering in the millions.

Bad Probability,

[Michael Hopcroft]

This agent wouldn't happen to be named Excel by any chance, would she?

[Gary]

I must protest!

As a subscriber, I eagerly picked up the swimsuit issue. However, imagine my shock and horror when I found out that Grond, Ogre, and Michael Jackson in thongs were the feature models!

Now I know you're a villain and this is in your job description, but this is totally CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!!!

I demand an apology and refund. Grond and Ogre were bad enough, but the centerfold with Michael Jackson was too much. It made 75% of my goons barf and then quit. Do you know how much trouble it is to recruit quality goons???

This is despicable even by your fiendish standards.

Unsatisfied Customer

[Mightybec]

Dear QUARK,

I'd like to rule the world someday, but my only superpower is the ability to turn any liquid into a high quality beer. I tried to recriut a bunch of guys from the local college as henchmen, but it wasn't long before someone puked on my couch and shaved my cat. Then there was a time I had sailors as henchmen. That time I lost my girlfriend and I got a bloody nose. Am I doing something wrong?

Thank You,
Samuel Adams

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Gary
I must protest!

As a subscriber, I eagerly picked up the swimsuit issue. However, imagine my shock and horror when I found out that Grond, Ogre, and Michael Jackson in thongs were the feature models!

Now I know you're a villain and this is in your job description, but this is totally CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!!!

I demand an apology and refund. Grond and Ogre were bad enough, but the centerfold with Michael Jackson was too much. It made 75% of my goons barf and then quit. Do you know how much trouble it is to recruit quality goons???

This is despicable even by your fiendish standards.

Unsatisfied Customer
Dear Unsatisfied,

Unfortunately you have fallen prey to a scam by our most bitter rival, Super Sleaze Weekly. The SSM Swimsuit issue features Saphire, Witchcraft, and Lady Vice (Formerly Lady Virtue). I will talk to Uncle Lou about rectifying this injustice.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Mightybec
Dear QUARK,

I'd like to rule the world someday, but my only superpower is the ability to turn any liquid into a high quality beer. I tried to recriut a bunch of guys from the local college as henchmen, but it wasn't long before someone puked on my couch and shaved my cat. Then there was a time I had sailors as henchmen. That time I lost my girlfriend and I got a bloody nose. Am I doing something wrong?

Thank You,
Samuel Adams
Dear Mr. Adams,

The best way to achieve world domination with the power you discribed is to start your own bottling company and add a "special ingredient" to the beer (i.e. an addictive mind altering drug that allows you to control people's minds with a high frequency sonic device). What the hell, it worked for Coors.:D

Bad Probability,

[MilkmanDan]

Originally posted by Mightybec
Dear QUARK,

I'd like to rule the world someday, but my only superpower is the ability to turn any liquid into a high quality beer. I tried to recriut a bunch of guys from the local college as henchmen, but it wasn't long before someone puked on my couch and shaved my cat. Then there was a time I had sailors as henchmen. That time I lost my girlfriend and I got a bloody nose. Am I doing something wrong?

Thank You,
Samuel Adams

Tragically, I have the opposite problem. My only superpower is the ability to turn any high quality beer into, er, another liquid. :D

[Patriot]

Dear QUARK,
I am writing on behalf of the hero team I work for, Team Vanguard. Although we are quite busy, I still take the time to read the publication whenever it comes in....You know what they say,Know your enemy!


P.S. You may or May not find humor in the fact that it was Foxbat that sent us the subscription.



Sincerely,
Patriot

[Mightybec]

Originally posted by QUARK
Dear Mr. Adams,

The best way to achieve world domination with the power you discribed is to start your own bottling company and add a "special ingredient" to the beer (i.e. an addictive mind altering drug that allows you to control people's minds with a high frequency sonic device). What the hell, it worked for Coors.:D

Bad Probability,

Dear QUARK,

I've made alot of progress with a recent batch of henchmen. It appears that many senators and representatives are alcoholics, and are willing to almost anything for a bit of the good stuff. Wish me luck!

Samuel Adams

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Patriot
Dear QUARK,
I am writing on behalf of the hero team I work for, Team Vanguard. Although we are quite busy, I still take the time to read the publication whenever it comes in....You know what they say,Know your enemy!


P.S. You may or May not find humor in the fact that it was Foxbat that sent us the subscription.



Sincerely,
Patriot
Dear Patriot,

Enjoy your subscription.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Mightybec
Dear QUARK,

I've made alot of progress with a recent batch of henchmen. It appears that many senators and representatives are alcoholics, and are willing to almost anything for a bit of the good stuff. Wish me luck!

Samuel Adams
Dear Mr. Adams,

I gratifies me to hear your prospects are looking up.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

A message from Uncle Lou:

Dear Super Scum Magazine Subscribers,

SSM is currently filing a lawsuit against our rival Super Sleaze Weekly after their mole within SSM stole a copy of our subscriber list and sent out bogus Swimsuit Issues. Copies of the real swimsuit issue are being mailed to our subscribers as you are reading this and the mole is being properly punished. If you have recieved a bogus Swimsuit Issue, please mail it to SSM corporate headquarters for disposal. Thank you.

Lou C. Furr ("Uncle Lou"), Editor and Cheif

[Gary]

Thanks Quark,

I appreciate the quick action on this matter. However, I found an interesting benefit from this incident. It appears that when the heroic side tries to stop my plans, I am able to hold up the centerfold of Michael Jackson in a thong, and the heroes are stopped dead in their tracks. This distraction has given me time to make my getaway.

However, I do hear ominous mutterings of 'revenge' from the likes of Patriot and Team Vanguard. Should I take any precautions?

Kosmic Krusher

[Doc Razor]

Dear QUARK,

I found myself unable to follow your last advice to me. As you may recall, I had found myself in romantic pursuit of a superheroine who deemed me repugnant. The issue now is that it seems by continuing my pursuit I have stirred up another hornet's nest.

The young goddess' boyfriend is an unearthly powerful thug who has pledged to bring her my head! Such a thing is very un-heroic, as I've tried to remind him, but he is set on this decidedly villainous action, foresaking his (weeny) code of ethics.

My question is: Can you suggest a good method by which to fake my own death and implicate the gentleman in question? All you need know is that he is a "brick" with bicep measurments higher than his IQ. Please advise.

Yours in Villainous splendor,
Doc Razor

(Not affiliated with Doc Razor's Hard Lemonade or Doc Razor's disposable shaving implements)

[Patriot]

(ripping of brown paper wrapper)......


flip flip flip


(Critical failure on Con Check) hmmm...a centerfold.



Blargh....ralph...hurl


And they call us mutants freaks

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Gary
Thanks Quark,

I appreciate the quick action on this matter. However, I found an interesting benefit from this incident. It appears that when the heroic side tries to stop my plans, I am able to hold up the centerfold of Michael Jackson in a thong, and the heroes are stopped dead in their tracks. This distraction has given me time to make my getaway.

However, I do hear ominous mutterings of 'revenge' from the likes of Patriot and Team Vanguard. Should I take any precautions?

Kosmic Krusher
Dear Kosmic Krusher,

Yes, you should take precautions. Patriot was on our subscriber list when the mole stole it, so it's a safe bet he's got a bogus Swimsuit Issue of his own to use against you. I suggest you and your henchmen train to fight with your eyes closed.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Doc Razor
Dear QUARK,

I found myself unable to follow your last advice to me. As you may recall, I had found myself in romantic pursuit of a superheroine who deemed me repugnant. The issue now is that it seems by continuing my pursuit I have stirred up another hornet's nest.

The young goddess' boyfriend is an unearthly powerful thug who has pledged to bring her my head! Such a thing is very un-heroic, as I've tried to remind him, but he is set on this decidedly villainous action, foresaking his (weeny) code of ethics.

My question is: Can you suggest a good method by which to fake my own death and implicate the gentleman in question? All you need know is that he is a "brick" with bicep measurments higher than his IQ. Please advise.

Yours in Villainous splendor,
Doc Razor

(Not affiliated with Doc Razor's Hard Lemonade or Doc Razor's disposable shaving implements)
Dear Doc,

The easiest way to solve your current problem is to grab some Joe-Nobody off the street, drug him, surgically alter him to look like you, dress him in one of your spare costumes, and stake him out where Mr. Big and Dumb is sure to find him. Hide nearby with a video camera, record the incident, and secretly mail the tape to his girlfriend and the local PRIMUS office. Her horror at seeing what he did should bring their relationship to a quick end, and if he kills "you" in cold blood he could even get the death penalty.

Bad Probability,

[Inazuma]

Dear QUARK,

I'm an electrically-powered super, but I suffer from severe frizz hair due to the static electricity I generate! Is there anything you can suggest for this?

Inazuma

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Inazuma
Dear QUARK,

I'm an electrically-powered super, but I suffer from severe frizz hair due to the static electricity I generate! Is there anything you can suggest for this?

Inazuma
Dear Inazuma,

I haven't had much experience with hair problems (as a machine, I don't even have hair), but I believe there may be an ancient chinese gentleman in San Fransico who can help you. You'll find his shop a couple of doors down from the Imperial Dragon Chinese Resteraunt. Good Luck.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

(Electronic Sigh) If I must, then I must...

BUMP!!!

Bad Probability,

[Pythagoras]

Dear QUARK,

I'm currently the ruling crimelord in a major city. For years now a local costumed avenger has been giving me no end of trouble, beating up my hired thugs, disrupting my criminal endevors, foiling my assasination attempts, etc.

However I've recently discovered his secret identity, including an apparent wife and child. What is the best way to use the information to destroy the hero once and for all.

Signed,

Duke of Crime

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Pythagoras
Dear QUARK,

I'm currently the ruling crimelord in a major city. For years now a local costumed avenger has been giving me no end of trouble, beating up my hired thugs, disrupting my criminal endevors, foiling my assasination attempts, etc.

However I've recently discovered his secret identity, including an apparent wife and child. What is the best way to use the information to destroy the hero once and for all.

Signed,

Duke of Crime

Dear Duke,

Attacking this costumed avenger's familiy is something I strongly advise you against. While some may tell you that going after the wife and kid is a good "psychological warfare tactic," I must warn you that doing thus will only backfire BIG TIME. To paraphrase Machievelli, If you make things personal the gloves come off. All of a sudden, an enemy who would have been content to see you tossed in a jail cell (which your lawyers can get you out of) will be out to send you on the redeye express to Hades (which all the lawyers in the universe could never save you from). If you must act on the the info you've acquired, I advise you to just frame him in civillian ID- something that will put him away for a long time.

Bad Probability,

[Patriot]

Dear QUARK,


I was wondering, Is your subscriber list for sale?


I have my own ...business, and was wondering if I could purchase your list to help my sales.

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Patriot
Dear QUARK,


I was wondering, Is your subscriber list for sale?


I have my own ...business, and was wondering if I could purchase your list to help my sales.
Dear Patriot,

Sales of SSM subscriber lists is really Uncle Lou's department, so I will pass on your message to him for consideration. As a rule though, we only sell subscriber information to F.O.E. (Fiendish Order of Evil) and similar groups, unless a subscriber expressly requests not to be on any mailing lists.

Bad Probability,

[Gary]

Dear Quark,

I have a dilemma. My goons are threatening to go on strike! They want more pay, better working conditions, and a copy of the real SSM swimsuit issue.

I've been a good master. I don't beat my goons up too much and rarely make an example of one. I almost never kill any of them even if they report a failure. I give them full medical, dental, and legal coverage. I've even set up a pension plan for them (although admittedly, nobody has ever collected).

What is a crime lord to do? I need my goons for my next plot against Team Vanguard.

Kosmic Krusher

[Southern Cross]

Personally I think you should give them a copy of the real swimsuit issue-by all reports the fake one was a real horror.
And by the way, while Michael Jackson in a thong is a sight of horror,his speaking voice is even worse-it's ALMOST as bad as the main character in "The Nanny".

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,

I have a dilemma. My goons are threatening to go on strike! They want more pay, better working conditions, and a copy of the real SSM swimsuit issue.

I've been a good master. I don't beat my goons up too much and rarely make an example of one. I almost never kill any of them even if they report a failure. I give them full medical, dental, and legal coverage. I've even set up a pension plan for them (although admittedly, nobody has ever collected).

What is a crime lord to do? I need my goons for my next plot against Team Vanguard.

Kosmic Krusher
Dear Kosmic Krusher,

It is indeed hard to find good help these days. Two solutions to your personnel problems come to mind:
[list=1]
Look into replacing those willful, cowardy, and generally incompetent henchpersons with stalward, ever-faithful robots.
Purchase a zombification kit or two from www.villainsupply.com
[/list=1]

Bad Probability,

[Patriot]

The great thing about villians:

Ya never keep your plans quiet.

Whoooop! whooooop! Whooop!
(Vanguard Base is now at red alert)



ahh heck, I'll just play x-box till they get here...I can take 'em

[Gary]

Originally posted by Patriot
The great thing about villians:

Ya never keep your plans quiet.

Whoooop! whooooop! Whooop!
(Vanguard Base is now at red alert)



ahh heck, I'll just play x-box till they get here...I can take 'em

Yeah, but us villains get 25 extra points from this psych lim. You'd better watch yourself. :p

Can't wait for that Zombification kit to arrive...

Kosmic Krusher

[QUARK]

BUMP!

[Rage]

Right Mr Quark, ever since Random Indian Guy and I parted ways (after the Minions & Morningstar got fried by Aglar and his M.O.P) I have become more and more... well extroverted, Is it true that with out a straight man to play off my rambunciousnessness could lead to me being "revised?"

Also I need a new Side kick or "partner" as you seem to be in contact with every super thing in the multiverse you wold know the best... So who would you suggest?


Forever trying to keep Bannanas from taking over the world
Rage "379"

[Mightybec]

Dear QUARK,

While torturing various superhero sidekicks in my lab, I've discovered that the sound and tone of thier screams depend on where you poke them, and what you poke them with. After much trial and error, I've created an alblum of cover songs, sung by yours truly, and accompanied by the sidekick screams. "Stairway to Heaven" turned out great! Do you think that there is a market out there for my music?

Thank you,
Dr. Typhus

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Rage
Right Mr Quark, ever since Random Indian Guy and I parted ways (after the Minions & Morningstar got fried by Aglar and his M.O.P) I have become more and more... well extroverted, Is it true that with out a straight man to play off my rambunciousnessness could lead to me being "revised?"

Also I need a new Side kick or "partner" as you seem to be in contact with every super thing in the multiverse you wold know the best... So who would you suggest?


Forever trying to keep Bannanas from taking over the world
Rage "379"
Dear Rage,

Try the next big comicbook convention in your area, I sure you'll find many good potential sidekicks among the convention goers.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Mightybec
Dear QUARK,

While torturing various superhero sidekicks in my lab, I've discovered that the sound and tone of thier screams depend on where you poke them, and what you poke them with. After much trial and error, I've created an alblum of cover songs, sung by yours truly, and accompanied by the sidekick screams. "Stairway to Heaven" turned out great! Do you think that there is a market out there for my music?

Thank you,
Dr. Typhus
Dear Dr. Typhus,

Uncle Lou has many contacts in the music industry, I'm sure he'd be happy to help you get your foot in the door if you'll send him a demo tape.

Bad Probability,

[Nightfire]

Dear Quark,

One of my lackeys is upset because I don't want to talk after committing one of my master crimes, how can I get him to understand that he is just an underling unworthy of my conversation without hurting his feelings?

Bookworm

[MilkmanDan]

Dear Quark,

I am a successful villainous overlord. My minions both fear and respect me, and tremble at my presence. I have crushed all the puny so-called "heroes" who have attempted to assault my impenetrable fortress. Entire nations quake in fear at a mere utterance of my voice, and none dare stand and oppose me when I show myself. Yet, somehow, I just don't feel fresh. What do you suggest?

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Nightfire
Dear Quark,

One of my lackeys is upset because I don't want to talk after committing one of my master crimes, how can I get him to understand that he is just an underling unworthy of my conversation without hurting his feelings?

Bookworm
Dear Bookworm,

There is no way to tell someone that, so go ahead and do it and don't worry about his "feelings." Better still, consider purchasing a Zombification kit from: www.villainsupply.com

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Squid
Dear Quark,

I am a successful villainous overlord. My minions both fear and respect me, and tremble at my presence. I have crushed all the puny so-called "heroes" who have attempted to assault my impenetrable fortress. Entire nations quake in fear at a mere utterance of my voice, and none dare stand and oppose me when I show myself. Yet, somehow, I just don't feel fresh. What do you suggest?
Dear Overlord,

Try taking a shower.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

Bump!!!

[Blue]

Dear QUARK,

How many villains DOES it take to screw in a light bulb? No, really! I have an argument going with the Government's Wargame computer; According to the WOPR, ideally it's 2 (One to trap the hero and one to mind-control him into doing it for you), whereas I think it's no less than 3 (One to develop the machine to shrink the sun, one to give away the plan to the heroes, and one to to remind the others that they have ultra-violet goggles and don't need a light bulb after all). Could you put your computative powers to work and settle this argument?

Thanks,
Blue

[Redhead.xls]

Originally posted by Michael Hopcroft
This agent wouldn't happen to be named Excel by any chance, would she?
Certainly not. The Excel I know would never say something like Weeeee! Excel may talk too much but at least she uses words. :p

[Redhead.xls]

Originally posted by QUARK
Bump!!!
I'm a secret agent working for an ideological society. My supreme commander wants to become Dictator so he can rebuild the economy and purify society. Not unlike a certain Western Chancellor of recent history. But I'm the one who ends up getting shot in the underground bunker.
I don't have very many brain cells. How can I become a better agent so my beloved leader will like me?

[Redhead.xls]

My friends die a lot. First it was a guy I liked from Latin America (no, not like that, we were just friends) Now I've got a new friend who's really delicate. She drops dead on a regular basis and I'm worried she won't recover next time. Plus it's really disgusting. So I guess my question is how do I protect my friends in a dangerous lifestyle?

[Redhead.xls]

My boss says I talk too much. He said I should spam the Hero Games boards for experience points instead of talking. Does that really work in real life or has Il Pala been playing too many video games?

[MilkmanDan]

Originally posted by Blue
Dear QUARK,

How many villains DOES it take to screw in a light bulb? No, really! I have an argument going with the Government's Wargame computer; According to the WOPR, ideally it's 2 (One to trap the hero and one to mind-control him into doing it for you), whereas I think it's no less than 3 (One to develop the machine to shrink the sun, one to give away the plan to the heroes, and one to to remind the others that they have ultra-violet goggles and don't need a light bulb after all). Could you put your computative powers to work and settle this argument?

Thanks,
Blue

Well, for a start, all the villains are going to have to have some Shrinking to fit in there.

[Space Cadet]

Originally posted by Mightybec
Dear QUARK,

While torturing various superhero sidekicks in my lab, I've discovered that the sound and tone of thier screams depend on where you poke them, and what you poke them with. After much trial and error, I've created an alblum of cover songs, sung by yours truly, and accompanied by the sidekick screams. "Stairway to Heaven" turned out great! Do you think that there is a market out there for my music?

Thank you,
Dr. Typhus

Yet another example of the sort of demented imagination that
gave us the "Singing Dogs" Christmas album...

Space Cadet :eek:

[Nightfire]

Originally posted by QUARK
Dear Bookworm,

There is no way to tell someone that, so go ahead and do it and don't worry about his "feelings." Better still, consider purchasing a Zombification kit from: www.villainsupply.com

Bad Probability,

Thank you for the excellent suggestion, I have purchased so many wonderful items from villiansupply that I had to make a substantial withdrawl from Fort Knox. It's so much quieter around the base.

Hugs,
Bookworm

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Blue
Dear QUARK,

How many villains DOES it take to screw in a light bulb? No, really! I have an argument going with the Government's Wargame computer; According to the WOPR, ideally it's 2 (One to trap the hero and one to mind-control him into doing it for you), whereas I think it's no less than 3 (One to develop the machine to shrink the sun, one to give away the plan to the heroes, and one to to remind the others that they have ultra-violet goggles and don't need a light bulb after all). Could you put your computative powers to work and settle this argument?

Thanks,
Blue
Dear Blue,

Changing light bulbs is beneath a master villain's dignity, that's why we surround ourselves with all these slack-jawed flunkies.

Bad Probability,

[Gary]

Dear Quark,

I'm afraid that villainsupply.com has run out of zombification kits and other goodies. It seems that a certain Bookworm has cleaned out the supply.

Are there any alternate sources of supply? Or should I Krush Bookworm first before I move against the Vanguard Base?

Kosmic Krusher

[Nightfire]

Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,

I'm afraid that villainsupply.com has run out of zombification kits and other goodies. It seems that a certain Bookworm has cleaned out the supply.

Are there any alternate sources of supply? Or should I Krush Bookworm first before I move against the Vanguard Base?

Kosmic Krusher

Feh that's what the heroes want you to do, None can stop me so they set rivals on me, how about I sell you some zombification at 10% above list price, it'll still be cheaper than trying to break down my impenetrable doors, and then thinking you can hit the Vanguard Base afterwards. Krusher dear, I do offer courses on how to avoid falling for Heroic ploys.

Bookworm

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,

I'm afraid that villainsupply.com has run out of zombification kits and other goodies. It seems that a certain Bookworm has cleaned out the supply.

Are there any alternate sources of supply? Or should I Krush Bookworm first before I move against the Vanguard Base?

Kosmic Krusher
Dear Kosmic Krusher,

If it's a new source of villain supplies you're looking for Uncle Lou has recently started a little side business that might interest you. He tells me he can get you virtualy anything your villainous heart desires...for a price.

Bad Probability,

[Gary]

Originally posted by Nightfire
Feh that's what the heroes want you to do, None can stop me so they set rivals on me, how about I sell you some zombification at 10% above list price, it'll still be cheaper than trying to break down my impenetrable doors, and then thinking you can hit the Vanguard Base afterwards. Krusher dear, I do offer courses on how to avoid falling for Heroic ploys.

Bookworm

Bookworm,

Don't be too sure about your impenetrable doors. Being a Supreme Genius(tm) , I have developed many advanced weapons. In fact my latest weapon, Project 792 PTS, has great promise in dealing with any fortifications.

However, being a magnanimous villain, I will offer to let you join in on the attack on Vanguard Base. Once the good guys are dealt with, there's plenty of loot and power for the both of us.

Kosmic Krusher

[Gary]

Originally posted by QUARK
Dear Kosmic Krusher,

If it's a new source of villain supplies you're looking for Uncle Lou has recently started a little side business that might interest you. He tells me he can get you virtualy anything your villainous heart desires...for a price.

Bad Probability,

Dear Quark,

If the 'price' is what I think it is, Uncle Lou should beware that approximately 77% of mine is accounted for already.

However, I will definitely keep him in mind.

Kosmic Krusher

[Patriot]

Which Vanguard Base will you be attacking?
1) The Chicago Base
2) The Sacremento California Base
3) The Cape Fear base
4) The French Base
5) The South African base
6) The Melbourne Australia base
7) The Hong Kong Base
8) The Avalon Spacestation Base


I was just wondering, so I can make sure I am at the appropriate one.

[Gary]

Originally posted by Patriot
Which Vanguard Base will you be attacking?
1) The Chicago Base
2) The Sacremento California Base
3) The Cape Fear base
4) The French Base
5) The South African base
6) The Melbourne Australia base
7) The Hong Kong Base
8) The Avalon Spacestation Base


I was just wondering, so I can make sure I am at the appropriate one.

What are you, a McDonalds franchise??? :rolleyes: :mad: :(

Anyway, I intend to attack the French one. That way, nobody will care and no reinforcements will arrive. :D

I'll also be sending dozens of zombies and robots as distractions against the other bases. If Bookworm agrees to join, there will be 2 real attacks.

$@%#$% 25 point 'must reveal plots' psych lim!!! :mad: :D :D

Kosmic Krusher

[Patriot]

NO, we are not a MickyDs franchise the Teams been around for 12 years.....

Didnt really Like the French base anyway, but I think they could hold you...


dozens of zombies...(giggle) Base security is real tough.

Any last words?

[Mightybec]

Originally posted by Patriot

Didnt really Like the French base anyway, but I think they could hold you...



We'll see how stong their morale is when we steal all the cigarettes and hold the almighty Jerry Lewis hostage!!!

Mightybec

[Gary]

Originally posted by Patriot
NO, we are not a MickyDs franchise the Teams been around for 12 years.....

Didnt really Like the French base anyway, but I think they could hold you...


dozens of zombies...(giggle) Base security is real tough.

Any last words?

These are special zombies. They aren't your typical 2 HD D&D zombies... ;)

[dbsousa]

Dear Quark,
My twin brother and I are having a crisis. Try as we might, we simply cannot determine which of us is the evil twin. We have both finished our education at Super Genius University, and are eager to start our careers, but in what? all of our twin friends have figured out which was the evil one in high school, are we just late bloomers? We can't even seem to grow a proper goatee! Is it possible that neither of us are evil?

Thank you,
Apollo and Stavros Highlord

[QUARK]

Originally posted by dbsousa
Dear Quark,
My twin brother and I are having a crisis. Try as we might, we simply cannot determine which of us is the evil twin. We have both finished our education at Super Genius University, and are eager to start our careers, but in what? all of our twin friends have figured out which was the evil one in high school, are we just late bloomers? We can't even seem to grow a proper goatee! Is it possible that neither of us are evil?

Thank you,
Apollo and Stavros Highlord
Dear Highlord Brothers,

Being the evil brother of QUACK, I fully empathize with your situation. Personally, I say why get bogged down with who's the good twin and who's the evil twin when you can BOTH be evil (it's a shame QUACK wouldn't hear me out on that point, I believe we would have made a great team). What the Hell, it worked for Tomax and Xamot.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

BUMP!!!!!

[Gary]

Dear Quark,

Apparently, I have a bad habit that I must broadcast all my villainous intentions to the heroes. I know that I am not alone in having this affliction. Many of my fellow world conquering evil mastermind and supreme genius colleagues have this same problem.

What is a suave Supergenius as magnificent, humble, and modest as myself to do?

Kosmic Krusher

PS Patriot, the attack on the French base starts in a week. ;)

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,

Apparently, I have a bad habit that I must broadcast all my villainous intentions to the heroes. I know that I am not alone in having this affliction. Many of my fellow world conquering evil mastermind and supreme genius colleagues have this same problem.

What is a suave Supergenius as magnificent, humble, and modest as myself to do?

Kosmic Krusher

PS Patriot, the attack on the French base starts in a week. ;)
Dear Kosmic Krusher,

If you always feel the urge to anounce something during a fight, anounce the exact opposite of what you're really going to do. Better still, instead of anouncing what you're going to do next, start reading your laundry list or shopping list out loud during the fight.

Bad Probability,

[MilkmanDan]

Originally posted by QUARK
Dear Kosmic Krusher,

If you always feel the urge to anounce something during a fight, anounce the exact opposite of what you're really going to do. Better still, instead of anouncing what you're going to do next, start reading your laundry list or shopping list out loud during the fight.

Bad Probability,

I tried that last one, but it just didn't work. Then again, my shopping list read:

One (1) nuclear device
One (1) map of the New York subway systems, with a station near Times Square marked with a big red "X"

Somehow the heroes were still able to stop me.

[Gary]

Originally posted by QUARK
Dear Kosmic Krusher,

If you always feel the urge to anounce something during a fight, anounce the exact opposite of what you're really going to do. Better still, instead of anouncing what you're going to do next, start reading your laundry list or shopping list out loud during the fight.

Bad Probability,

Dear Quark,

I have been informed by the Very Important League of Looters, Anarchists, and Insufferable Ninjas (V.I.L.L.A.I.N), and the Grand Awesome National Genius Super Team of Evil Rogues (G.A.N.G.S.T.E.R) Local 666 that this solution is unacceptable. Apparently, all evil geniuses subject to VILLAIN and GANGSTER must have a fatal flaw. If I tried to circumvent the bylaws, I'm liable to receive an annoying cowardly advisor who gives bad advice, hinders all my efforts, sabotages my plans, appears all the time, and who I must strangely tolerate and not incinerate within minutes. (25 point DNPC ;) )

I must find another solution.

Kosmic Krusher

PS VILLAIN and GANGSTER have informed me that they intend to conduct an audit of your activities. Apparently, they feel you've been violating a few bylaws as well. :p

[Patriot]

Active base security.....245,000$ on debit card
Heroes with scads of teamwork....500,000$ on debit card
6 other fully staffed bases on alert.....3,500,000$ on debit card


Knowing your opponents plan....PRICELESS!!!

:) :) :)
;)


This is gonna be a Kakewalk

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,

I have been informed by the Very Important League of Looters, Anarchists, and Insufferable Ninjas (V.I.L.L.A.I.N), and the Grand Awesome National Genius Super Team of Evil Rogues (G.A.N.G.S.T.E.R) Local 666 that this solution is unacceptable. Apparently, all evil geniuses subject to VILLAIN and GANGSTER must have a fatal flaw. If I tried to circumvent the bylaws, I'm liable to receive an annoying cowardly advisor who gives bad advice, hinders all my efforts, sabotages my plans, appears all the time, and who I must strangely tolerate and not incinerate within minutes. (25 point DNPC ;) )

I must find another solution.

Kosmic Krusher

PS VILLAIN and GANGSTER have informed me that they intend to conduct an audit of your activities. Apparently, they feel you've been violating a few bylaws as well. :p
Dear Kosmic Krusher,

Bylaws like those you mentioned are precisely the reason I'm not and never have been a member of VILLAIN or GANGSTER. I only answer to Lou C. Furr ("Uncle Lou") and if either organization causes me any trouble they will literally have HELL to pay.

Bad Probability,

[Mayday]

Dear QUARK,

My husband and I were married just before his work permit expired and he had to return to his layer of Hell but I forgot which one it is. Has your uncle Lou seen my husband? Tall, red skin, tail, cloven hooves? I thought that perhaps the marriage would allow us to remain together and am fighting this deportation. When we are successful I will need to contact him.


We'll see how stong their morale is when we steal all the cigarettes and hold the almighty Jerry Lewis hostage!!!

Mightybec

We will still have more paid holidays and nude beaches than you, MightyBec. Suffer.

Mayday, heroine of France

(www.geocities.com/cyn_starwars/bio/Mayday.htm)

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Mayday
Dear QUARK,

My husband and I were married just before his work permit expired and he had to return to his layer of Hell but I forgot which one it is. Has your uncle Lou seen my husband? Tall, red skin, tail, cloven hooves? I thought that perhaps the marriage would allow us to remain together and am fighting this deportation. When we are successful I will need to contact him.



We will still have more paid holidays and nude beaches than you, MightyBec. Suffer.

Mayday, heroine of France

(www.geocities.com/cyn_starwars/bio/Mayday.htm)
Dear Mayday,

Uncle Lou could be persauded to help you and your husband with this "imagration issue" if you agree to do a favor for him in exchange. As for what precisely that favor will be, you'll just have to negotiate that with him.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

MEGA BUMP!!!!
:eek: :eek: :eek:

[Patriot]

Hey Kosmic Krusher,
You must have a lot of french on that force you used to attack with...Our butler scared them away.
A hot lady in a Fitted tux....Have to hire more like her
(ok, forget the fact she makes it feel like hell-fire is welling up in your soul).

Gonna try again?

[Nightfire]

Originally posted by Gary
Bookworm,

Don't be too sure about your impenetrable doors. Being a Supreme Genius(tm) , I have developed many advanced weapons. In fact my latest weapon, Project 792 PTS, has great promise in dealing with any fortifications.

However, being a magnanimous villain, I will offer to let you join in on the attack on Vanguard Base. Once the good guys are dealt with, there's plenty of loot and power for the both of us.

Kosmic Krusher

Project 792 PTS, hmm seems my daddy made that way back in the 20th century.

Sorry Krusher, luv I just got back from Venice where some so-called heroic genius just destroyed an ancient library falling for the lamest of traps. My dog could have disarmed what she fell for. Could we hit some other base besides France, I want a real challenge.

Hugs,
Bookworm

[Gary]

Originally posted by Patriot
Hey Kosmic Krusher,
You must have a lot of french on that force you used to attack with...Our butler scared them away.
A hot lady in a Fitted tux....Have to hire more like her
(ok, forget the fact she makes it feel like hell-fire is welling up in your soul).

Gonna try again?

Yeah, Jenna told me that your butler was pretty scary. She described him as an old man with rotten teeth who probably hadn't bathed in a decade. Even the zombies smelled better than him. He was leering at her and touching her inappropriately. She smacked him a couple of times, but he seemed to enjoy it a lot and started playing with himself. Jenna got massively creeped out at that point and left. I don't blame her.

Jenna's still in the shower as I type this. I'm going to have to have a long talk with her.

Your bases are better defended than I thought. :eek:

Kosmic Krusher

[Gary]

Originally posted by Nightfire
Project 792 PTS, hmm seems my daddy made that way back in the 20th century.

Sorry Krusher, luv I just got back from Venice where some so-called heroic genius just destroyed an ancient library falling for the lamest of traps. My dog could have disarmed what she fell for. Could we hit some other base besides France, I want a real challenge.

Hugs,
Bookworm

Yeah, a nice piece of work by your daddy. I've made a few custom modifications. ;)

I agree, the French base isn't one I want to attack again anytime soon. :eek: :( :eek:

Kosmic Krusher

[Proemial]

Dear QUARK

I am having something of a dilemma: A few years back I started my career as a Hero. You may remember some of my exploits in the Pacific Rim theatre, and that messy business involving the orbital war for Earth's magnetic field. Without meaning to trumpet myself too loudly, I did manage to kick a few world-conquerering schemes drummed up by so called geniuses.

However, a few months back I got possessed by one your villainous comrades. Nice chap by the name of Parasite. Sadly his possession went a bit awry, and resulted in me going on a murderous rampage up the Eastern Seaboard of the United States for a few months. Many innocent people died, as well as some heroes and villains.

Since the rampage, my old friends don't want to associate with me. In fact, many of them consider me no better than you murderous scum.

Anyway, to the point, I'm seeking some way of drowning the gnawing guilt that sits in my soul. Since I've noticed that you villainous types rarely seem to have attacks of conscience, I'm wondering if the villain route would be the way to go for a cure?

So, if anyone out there is in need of a helper who can fly faster than fighter jets, and can channel the inferno of the sun in order to slag aircraft carriers and small towns, please contact me.

Seraphim

[Patriot]

Originally posted by Proemial
Dear QUARK

I am having something of a dilemma: A few years back I started my career as a Hero. You may remember some of my exploits in the Pacific Rim theatre, and that messy business involving the orbital war for Earth's magnetic field. Without meaning to trumpet myself too loudly, I did manage to kick a few world-conquerering schemes drummed up by so called geniuses.

However, a few months back I got possessed by one your villainous comrades. Nice chap by the name of Parasite. Sadly his possession went a bit awry, and resulted in me going on a murderous rampage up the Eastern Seaboard of the United States for a few months. Many innocent people died, as well as some heroes and villains.

Since the rampage, my old friends don't want to associate with me. In fact, many of them consider me no better than you murderous scum.

Anyway, to the point, I'm seeking some way of drowning the gnawing guilt that sits in my soul. Since I've noticed that you villainous types rarely seem to have attacks of conscience, I'm wondering if the villain route would be the way to go for a cure?

So, if anyone out there is in need of a helper who can fly faster than fighter jets, and can channel the inferno of the sun in order to slag aircraft carriers and small towns, please contact me.

Seraphim

Darn Alien Invasions....had to be the only reason I wasn't informed....
If you send your credentials to The Vanguard base in Chicago, we are in the middle of a recruitment drive and you may be taken for consideration we are an equal opportunity team

[Proemial]

Patriot

I thank you for your generous offer. However, I feel that my presence might cause problems in your ranks. Many amongst the community lost friends and loved ones when I went berserk, and most still hold that against me. I wouldn't want to be the cause of a rift in your organization.

However, I am wondering, what sort of psychiatric/medical coverage does Vanguard offer?

Seraphim

[Patriot]

1)Life, health, dental, and vision coverage for you and up to 4 family members
2)One of our members is a psychiatrist at stronghold, and a mentalist on top of it so medical is covered
3) 2 weeks a year vacation at Sanctuary + 1 week for every 3 years that you remain a member
4) Room and board of course, with the option to house up to four family members at no charge.
5) A base salary of $100,000/ year after you become a full member you have the option to make withdraws from your personal marketing account(from sale of comics, toys pharmecuticals, electronics, some members have become wealthy, the amount withdrawn is matched to a charity of your choice, and a charity of the teams choice)
6) Trial member ship is for 4 months, then a vote is taken of full members in the 12 years the team has been around only 1 person has not been voted in.
7) Any Vanguard base has a full workout room/danger room
tested to a virtual weight of 75,000 kilotons
8) you will have access to the full array of team vehicles, Including Pegasus Skycycles, Our Jet/spaceship, our submarine, Hum-vees , rocket-packs and more.
9) Our danger room is more then sufficient to hold you if you happen to go on another rant, The walls have been tested , and can withstand a 3 kiloton blast at Ground Zero
10) The base computer GALAHAD has the ability to body slide multiple heros at once, so if you lose it in the feild,our AI can lock on to your com unit, and slide you back(if this happens in combat , you may bee knocked out)
11) Dr. Daniel Hunter The base Doctor,has 20 years of experience dealing with the paranormal,and has blazed the trail for new treatments for them
12) And last but not least , You have seven bases to chose from : a)Chicago b) Sacremento California c) Cape Fear
d)France e) south africa f) Australia g) Hong Kong
Coming soon :Lunar Base Tranquility

Thank you for your intrest in Team Vanguard, hope to see soon at one of our bases.

Signed ,
Patriot

[Proemial]

Patriot

The irony of discussing this topic through this particular medium (My sincere apologies to QUARK) is quite amusing, though I am sure that the remainder of the readership are taking notes on our conversation.

However, back to the topic at hand. Team Vanguard seems to be quite impressive, not that I had any doubts. You certainly will run a hard bargain against anyone else. I am seriously considering the matter.

I must admit that I find the offer attractive mostly for points two, and nine through eleven. I am curious about this "body-slide" though. I am capable of extremely high-speed aerial maneouvering. If I were to be subject to a "body-slide" would the "danger room" be able to control any wild inertia, to prevent a lethal impact with the walls?

To calm any fears, I should assure Team Vanguard that I have only lost control -- gone "bezerk" -- a total of four times since the incident with Parasite. Each of these four times was of short duration, lasting no more than a few minutes, though I was still quite destructive.

Since I am confident that the readership of this esteemed publication already is quite aware of my capabilities, I will outline my c.v. for Team Vanguard as a form of pre-application.
Unlimited range high-speed flight. I have been clocked at 4x the speed of sound (measured at sea level, 15 C) at my maximum velocity in atmosphere. My flight mode is non-inertial, and as such I am capable of zero-motion hovering, 180 degree non-curving turns, and instant full range omni-directional acceleration. Outside of major gravity wells (near-planet, for example) I can attain supra-relativistic speeds during which my maneouverability and reaction time drops dramatically, though I am protected from incidental destruction by stray hydrogen atoms and particulate matter. I'll note that there is no time-dilation effect when attaining those speeds, as I do not use a "conventional" method for bypassing Einsteining special relativity.
I am hardy in most environments. I need no special equipment to survive in hard vacuum, polar conditions, nuclear reactors, or solar coronas. I have neither the need to eat, nor breath. I have yet to test my high-pressure resistances as my capability to maneouver is obviously hindered underwater.
I have tested my carrying capacity to 2.5 tonnes, and am capable of carrying this weight even at top flight speed. Carried objects suffer no integrity loss, due to the nature of my flight (solar-harnessed gravimetric control fields).
I have minor resistances, enabling me to ignore most medium arms fire (both mundane and energy-projection form). I should note that this resistance will not protect me from a high-speed impact caused by my own flight powers. This has been tested, and I do not wish to be laid up in hospital again for that amount of time.
My abilities to channel solar plasma have been severely limited since my encounter with Parasite. I theorize that he has somehow managed to siphon off a great deal of my power, and is capable of using it for himself. My current projection ability summons bolts of high-energy plasma capable of melting most mundane substances. This plasma, as I have had the unfortunate luck to learn, is lethal to unprotected individuals. I can project in a number of modes, including a rapid burst fire mode, a more powerful shorter range single beam, and an area projection centered on myself. I am also capable of constraining the plasma to a field around my hands, which affords me a devastating hand-to-hand capability. However, this field takes some time to build up, and I am not capable of using the plasma in both close-field and ranged mode simultaneously
I hold a degree in Journalism (Columbia), and a Masters in High-energy Physics (Marseille). I am fluent in English, French and Italian. I am currently studying Arabic, Spanish and Tagalog.
I have no family members, nor loved ones, who could conceivably be used against me. None survived my initial rampage. Those friends and loved ones that have entered my life since my rampage are quite capable of handling themselves.
I will convey a complete printer-friendly c.v. under seperate, more secure cover to Team Vanguard's recruitment office.

Thank you for this opportunity to prove myself, once more, as a useful member of the community.

Seraphim

[Patriot]

Let them read it, no secrets are being given away, Besides, I can take'em!
The body slide technology we have has itertail dampeners. so your accelaration will not be an issue it has teleported a member going mach 88 at one point in time

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Proemial
Dear QUARK

I am having something of a dilemma: A few years back I started my career as a Hero. You may remember some of my exploits in the Pacific Rim theatre, and that messy business involving the orbital war for Earth's magnetic field. Without meaning to trumpet myself too loudly, I did manage to kick a few world-conquerering schemes drummed up by so called geniuses.
Yes, and it looks like they didn't listen to my advice. :rolleyes:

However, a few months back I got possessed by one your villainous comrades. Nice chap by the name of Parasite.
I've known quite a few parasites in my time, the last one was my roommate in college.

Sadly his possession went a bit awry, and resulted in me going on a murderous rampage up the Eastern Seaboard of the United States for a few months. Many innocent people died, as well as some heroes and villains.
Oh, THAT Parasite. Unfortuately, this happens alot with him. I told him to stick to possessing mere mortals but he just has to be a big shot. :rolleyes:

Since the rampage, my old friends don't want to associate with me. In fact, many of them consider me no better than you murderous scum.
Heroes can be so cruel with their value judgements

Anyway, to the point, I'm seeking some way of drowning the gnawing guilt that sits in my soul.
Watch a couple of hours of "reality television", that's enough to make anyone's soul go numb.

Since I've noticed that you villainous types rarely seem to have attacks of conscience, I'm wondering if the villain route would be the way to go for a cure?
Possibly, but if you plan to make a career of evil be prepared to go all the way. Nobody repects a bad guy who does things half-assed.

So, if anyone out there is in need of a helper who can fly faster than fighter jets, and can channel the inferno of the sun in order to slag aircraft carriers and small towns, please contact me.

Seraphim
I'm sure a person of your talents will have no trouble finding a villain group or organization who'll be happy to have you as a member.

Bad Probability,

[Nightfire]

Originally posted by QUARK
[
I'm sure a person of your talents will have no trouble finding a villain group or organization who'll be happy to have you as a member.

Bad Probability, [/B]

I don't have an organization persay, since as an Anarchist it would be a contradiction, but I'm alwas looking for someone willing to put the heroes in their place. The Pay is good and on a per diem basis, so no need to punch a clock.

Bookworm

[Gary]

Patriot,

Just a friendly word of warning. Jenna has the power of truesight, so it's very possible that your butler isn't really your butler, if you know what I mean.

I wouldn't imagine that Team Vanguard would hire perverted sickos, but this is your French base after all... :D

Kosmic Krusher

[Gary]

Dear Quark,

I've made great progress in Project 792 PTS. However, I find that I need an ingredient called Chemical X. An insanely intelligent (but highly redundant) colleague of mine has assured me that he can produce some, but given his prior track record, I have my doubts. Should I just bypass the middleman and kidnap the professor who developed the formula? It would be highly risky as his three daughters make fearsome bodyguards. However, possession of Chemical X would greatly enhance my chances of conquering the world.

Kosmic Krusher

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,

I've made great progress in Project 792 PTS. However, I find that I need an ingredient called Chemical X. An insanely intelligent (but highly redundant) colleague of mine has assured me that he can produce some, but given his prior track record, I have my doubts. Should I just bypass the middleman and kidnap the professor who developed the formula? It would be highly risky as his three daughters make fearsome bodyguards. However, possession of Chemical X would greatly enhance my chances of conquering the world.

Kosmic Krusher
Dear Kosmic Krusher,

I just so happens I duped the professor into giving me the formula for Chemical X last week (I still can't believe he really thought I was my goody-two-shoes brother, what a sucker :rolleyes: ). I'd be happy to share the formula in exchange for your help in stealing one of Mechanon's back-up robot bodies, I'm sick of being couped up in SSM headquarters all day.

Bad Probability,

[Gary]

Originally posted by QUARK
Dear Kosmic Krusher,

I just so happens I duped the professor into giving me the formula for Chemical X last week (I still can't believe he really thought I was my goody-two-shoes brother, what a sucker :rolleyes: ). I'd be happy to share the formula in exchange for your help in stealing one of Mechanon's back-up robot bodies, I'm sick of being couped up in SSM headquarters all day.

Bad Probability,

You have a deal. I can make some custom improvements in the body if you wish, or my colleague Genesis (Jenna) could grow a custom clone android body for you. Being able to pass as human does have a few advantages. ;)

Kosmic Krusher

[Blue]

Dear QUARK,

While cleaning out the recently confiscated base of the local group of evil-doers our team has run across some very interesting facts. I speak of the blow-up doll in the closet in the room of the team's leader (beneath a pile of stiff kleenex tissues), a past-due notice for electrolysis payments by the team's resident 'babe' villain, a collection of Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Pony paraphenalia in the room of the team's brick, and a series of badly written love poems to foxbat that belong to an unknown individual among the team.

My question is... is it wrong of us to release all of this information? We're heroes.. But come on! Just how many scruples do we have to have! We can be good guys and still leak this info to the press, right?

[misterdeath]

Originally posted by Gary
You have a deal. I can make some custom improvements in the body if you wish, or my colleague Genesis (Jenna) could grow a custom clone android body for you. Being able to pass as human does have a few advantages. ;)

Kosmic Krusher

Beware of this, I tried sending QUARK a very nice biomorphic android for Christmas. Had it made up all pretty, with some nice enhancements, including a Reverse Phase Anti-photon Cannon.

It came marked Undeliverable, and it blew up when I opened it. Inside was a note, "Please, do not attempt this again."--L.C.F.

Sorry. Just an FYI. Took a few days to get bioplasm off the carpet.

D

[QUARK]

Originally posted by misterdeath
Beware of this, I tried sending QUARK a very nice biomorphic android for Christmas. Had it made up all pretty, with some nice enhancements, including a Reverse Phase Anti-photon Cannon.

It came marked Undeliverable, and it blew up when I opened it. Inside was a note, "Please, do not attempt this again."--L.C.F.

Sorry. Just an FYI. Took a few days to get bioplasm off the carpet.

D
Uncle Lou did that? Damn...:(
Okay, don't send the robot body to SSM HQ, send it to my idiot younger sibling Q.U.I.R.K. and he'll bring it to me (I bribed him with a copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City). In the meantime, it appears me and Uncle Lou need to have a little chat.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Blue
Dear QUARK,

While cleaning out the recently confiscated base of the local group of evil-doers our team has run across some very interesting facts. I speak of the blow-up doll in the closet in the room of the team's leader (beneath a pile of stiff kleenex tissues), a past-due notice for electrolysis payments by the team's resident 'babe' villain, a collection of Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Pony paraphenalia in the room of the team's brick, and a series of badly written love poems to foxbat that belong to an unknown individual among the team.

My question is... is it wrong of us to release all of this information? We're heroes.. But come on! Just how many scruples do we have to have! We can be good guys and still leak this info to the press, right?
Dear Blue,

If they actually left embarassing items such as you've discribed just lying around, I'd say it's fair game. Infact, I for one would love to hear even more details if you have them.

Bad Probability,

[Blue]

Alright, but you asked for it. And I quote:

Cape wavers in the mid day breeze
Your scent like fine, ripe cheese
Bloodshod eyes the red of vibrant roses
When you cough I can hear violins

Conquer me o' caped rodent
Bring me to your base of love
Let me see your ping pong balls
You're my fox and I'm your dove


It was physically painful to retype that. I'd narrow down the author by saying that whichever of the team it was obviously has no taste, but it turns out that doesn't narrow anything down within that crew!

Excuse me, I need to go take a cheese grater to my brain.

[Gary]

Originally posted by QUARK
Uncle Lou did that? Damn...:(
Okay, don't send the robot body to SSM HQ, send it to my idiot younger sibling Q.U.I.R.K. and he'll bring it to me (I bribed him with a copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City). In the meantime, it appears me and Uncle Lou need to have a little chat.

Bad Probability,

Quark,

I just sent 8 bodies over.

Male/Female "hunk"/"babe"

Male "anonymous"

Female "child"

Male/Female "Old Fart"/"Old Crone"

Generic dog

Generic cat

Unfortunately, the shape shift model is a trifle unstable. It's safer shipping separate bodies.

Let me know what attachments and upgrades you want. By adding in Chemical X, these bodies can be greatly strengthened.

Kosmic Krusher

[Space Cadet]

Originally posted by Blue
Dear QUARK,

While cleaning out the recently confiscated base of the local group of evil-doers our team has run across some very interesting facts. I speak of the blow-up doll in the closet in the room of the team's leader (beneath a pile of stiff kleenex tissues), a past-due notice for electrolysis payments by the team's resident 'babe' villain, a collection of Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Pony paraphenalia in the room of the team's brick, and a series of badly written love poems to foxbat that belong to an unknown individual among the team.

My question is... is it wrong of us to release all of this information? We're heroes.. But come on! Just how many scruples do we have to have! We can be good guys and still leak this info to the press, right?

YEEECCCCHH!!... And I thought the Freshmen's Dorm here at
the Academy was a sleazy joint...

Space Cadet:eek:

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Gary
Quark,

I just sent 8 bodies over.

Male/Female "hunk"/"babe"

Male "anonymous"

Female "child"

Male/Female "Old Fart"/"Old Crone"

Generic dog

Generic cat

Unfortunately, the shape shift model is a trifle unstable. It's safer shipping separate bodies.

Let me know what attachments and upgrades you want. By adding in Chemical X, these bodies can be greatly strengthened.

Kosmic Krusher
Dear Krusher,

Thanks again for the new bodies. If it can be arranged, I'm going to need a new shapeshifter body. You were right about the unstable part, though I believe there's a way to correct the problem (I'm sending you some specs and notes that might be helpful). In the meantime...

A SPECIAL ANOUNCEMENT FOR ALL SUPER SCUM MAGAZINE SUBSCRIBERS:

With the recent mysterious disappearance of Uncle Lou, I as the senior most member of the SSM staff will be acting editor and chief. Lou was last seen during the aftermath of an evil plot gone horribly wrong down at the Bad Sector Club. My contact at the Space Academy has recently informed me that he hasn't been by with the latest batch of Super Scum Magazines and other contraband goodies, so we here at SSM Headquarters fear the worst. I will keep you informed as further information becomes available

Bad Probability,

[death tribble]

I would just like to thank Quark for his timely return. Your astute and thought provoking advice has been sorely missed.

["V"]

I've just managed to get hold of a copy of the Swimsuit Edition referred to at the start of the thread. Imagine my delight and anticipation as I scuttled back to my Penumbratic Palace and bolted the doors behind me.

Imagine my delight turning to horror as I unfolded the Centrefold and discovered some pneumatic wench in a sapphire blue micro-kini!

I'd been promised Michael Jackson in a thong!

Now admittedly his recent thongs have thucked, but I'm still outraged.

Furnish me with semi-nude neo-albino pictures or it's firework time!

[Gary]

Originally posted by QUARK
Dear Krusher,

Thanks again for the new bodies. If it can be arranged, I'm going to need a new shapeshifter body. You were right about the unstable part, though I believe there's a way to correct the problem (I'm sending you some specs and notes that might be helpful). In the meantime...


QUARK, Your new specs do not make sense. I do not see how the blood of a virgin, eye of newt, or thong from a semi-nude neo-albino will help stabilize the new body.

Please explain.

Kosmic Krusher

[Space Cadet]

Originally posted by "V"
I've just managed to get hold of a copy of the Swimsuit Edition referred to at the start of the thread. Imagine my delight and anticipation as I scuttled back to my Penumbratic Palace and bolted the doors behind me.

Imagine my delight turning to horror as I unfolded the Centrefold and discovered some pneumatic wench in a sapphire blue micro-kini!

I'd been promised Michael Jackson in a thong!

Now admittedly his recent thongs have thucked, but I'm still outraged.

Furnish me with semi-nude neo-albino pictures or it's firework time!

I know that this board occasionally attracts some, shall we
say, interesting people, but this... the only word in the
English language that really fits here is:

BLEEEAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!

Space Cadet :p

["V"]

How rude.

[Southern Cross]

Err "V" you do know that the version with Michael Jackson in a thong was a fake? You have the REAL Super Scum Swimsuit Edition.
And I have to concur with Space Cadet on this. :D

[Space Cadet]

Originally posted by QUARK
Dear Krusher,

Thanks again for the new bodies. If it can be arranged, I'm going to need a new shapeshifter body. You were right about the unstable part, though I believe there's a way to correct the problem (I'm sending you some specs and notes that might be helpful). In the meantime...

A SPECIAL ANOUNCEMENT FOR ALL SUPER SCUM MAGAZINE SUBSCRIBERS:

With the recent mysterious disappearance of Uncle Lou, I as the senior most member of the SSM staff will be acting editor and chief. Lou was last seen during the aftermath of an evil plot gone horribly wrong down at the Bad Sector Club. My contact at the Space Academy has recently informed me that he hasn't been by with the latest batch of Super Scum Magazines and other contraband goodies, so we here at SSM Headquarters fear the worst. I will keep you informed as further information becomes available

Bad Probability,

You've got a contact here in the Academy? Hmm... I'll have to
look him (or her, or it -- this is, after all, a multi-species
establishment) up one of these days.

This could also explain why the guys in the CCU (Contraband
Confiscation Unit) look so insufferably pleased with them-
selves lately...

Space Cadet :cool:

[Mayday]

Dear Quark.

For years I have been pursuing a career in politics. I have a beautiful wife, a respected career prosecuting criminals and on the dinner circuit, am photogenic and inherited wealth from my parents, but recently my wife suffered mental trauma and has become a vigilante, combing the streets at night in a leather catsuit assaulting criminals.

She refuses to attend any more political fundraisers or have children, in fact she says she hates me! People are starting to talk!

And I haven't had any since this happened a year ago. I don't know how much longer I can let his go on.

What would you recommend? Surgically alter an actress to pose as my wife, a quiet divorce, spill her secret Identity and play it as a tough stance on crime or a 10 step Stepford wife program?

I would also like to speak to Uncle Lou regarding my political career, I feel he can do alot for me. Is there a mailing address where I can leave a message should he return?

Anonymous in New York

[Gary]

Dear Quark,

I wish to seek your advice regarding foreign competition. Lately it seems that American crime organizations are outsourcing more and more jobs overseas. It seems that Viper can pay an Indian or Chinese supervillain 1/10 of what they would have to pay an American supervillain.

My operations are being squeezed. My company is getting fewer assignments, and the clients are negotiating some hefty reductions in my fees. If this continues, I'll have to start downsizing and laying off some of my lackeys, and reducing the Super Science R&D budgent. I'll even have to contribute less to my Swiss Bank account as well.

What is an Awesome Supervillain such as myself to do?

Kosmic Krusher.

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Mayday
Dear Quark.

For years I have been pursuing a career in politics. I have a beautiful wife, a respected career prosecuting criminals and on the dinner circuit, am photogenic and inherited wealth from my parents, but recently my wife suffered mental trauma and has become a vigilante, combing the streets at night in a leather catsuit assaulting criminals.

She refuses to attend any more political fundraisers or have children, in fact she says she hates me! People are starting to talk!

And I haven't had any since this happened a year ago. I don't know how much longer I can let his go on.

What would you recommend? Surgically alter an actress to pose as my wife, a quiet divorce, spill her secret Identity and play it as a tough stance on crime or a 10 step Stepford wife program?

I would also like to speak to Uncle Lou regarding my political career, I feel he can do alot for me. Is there a mailing address where I can leave a message should he return?

Anonymous in New York
Dear Anonymous,

With regards to your marital quandry, I recommend you discreetly hire a "professional" to arrange a little "accident" for your current wife and speak to my old friend Teleios about creating a wife more to your liking.

As for Uncle Lou, it's been months with no word from him but I will have one of my bikini-clad secretaries dust off Lou's old rolladex and see if one of his people would be willing to assist you in your quest for political power.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,

I wish to seek your advice regarding foreign competition. Lately it seems that American crime organizations are outsourcing more and more jobs overseas. It seems that Viper can pay an Indian or Chinese supervillain 1/10 of what they would have to pay an American supervillain.

My operations are being squeezed. My company is getting fewer assignments, and the clients are negotiating some hefty reductions in my fees. If this continues, I'll have to start downsizing and laying off some of my lackeys, and reducing the Super Science R&D budgent. I'll even have to contribute less to my Swiss Bank account as well.

What is an Awesome Supervillain such as myself to do?

Kosmic Krusher.
Dear Krusher,

Jobs being outsourced to cheaper labor markets overseas is an unfortunate sign of the times. The key to your organization's survival is to play even dirtier and more dastardly. Anonymously drop a dime on PRIMUS, UNTIL, and/or some superhero teams about these foreign villains and things should start looking up for you. In the meantime, consider talking to one of Uncle Lou's old cohorents for help with contract negotiation. Just dial: 1-666-MEPHISTOPHELES

Bad Probability,

[Space Cadet]

Originally posted by QUARK
Dear Krusher,

Jobs being outsourced to cheaper labor markets overseas is an unfortunate sign of the times. The key to your organization's survival is to play even dirtier and more dastardly. Anonymously drop a dime on PRIMUS, UNTIL, and/or some superhero teams about these foreign villains and things should start looking up for you. In the meantime, consider talking to one of Uncle Lou's old cohorents for help with contract negotiation. Just dial: 1-666-MEPHISTOPHELES

Bad Probability,

Talk about outsourcing to a foreign market... that phone number's
got way too many digits for an American phone number.

Space Cadet :D