Enforcer84
It's Valentine's Day.
by , Feb 14th, '11 at 03:50 PM (932 Views)
In general I consider myself an optimist.
Today is one of the few days I allow myself to wallow in the teenage angst I avoided as a teenager.
Nobody loves me.
it's not true of course - but by Valentine's Day standards, I am and have always been something of a loser.
My Ex-Wife, aka my first girlfriend, hated the holiday. Her father died of Complications during Cancer surgery on the 22nd when she was twelve, but he'd been in the hospital for weeks. So her big Valentine's Day memory is feeling sad and sorry for herself. And she never got over it.
When we were together it was ok, I bought her flowers or candy, and a card - but that was it. We didn't do dinner, or celebrate.
It's been 5 1/2 years since the divorce and 3 years since I met Carol. the 2 in between I think I actually got Jenny something.
Carol's been a life saver and a muse, and a source of endless laughter, tears, and frustration. I'm coming to the point where I don't think her demons will let us have a chance. But I really want to try.
So I've mentioned the book. It's a birthday gift really, but her birthday is the 21st. It started as a short story about our World of Warcraft characters I wrote 2 years ago, and then a second, and a third.
The first couple of stories were excuses to try my hand (again) at erotic fiction - what every girl wants, eh? But she has enjoyed them and sometime last year I sort of put them in a specific timeline. Then cribbed them together. All told, it was 81,000 words. And when I printed it out at Lulu.com it was (in traditional pocket book format) 455pages.
I whipped out a cover on their cover wizard using the art I commissioned for her birthday last year and then had my brother help me make a better one.
It's kind of a bizarre feeling of embarrassed pride holding it in my hand. It looks like a real book. The proof copy I got had some formatting errors and I just uploaded the corrections and new cover and reordered 2 copies one for each of us. But I don't think I've really completed a project in nearly 30 years. The first 10 years I was easier to please
So I'm proud of this work. It has made me want to write something and publish it...another gift she's inadvertently given me.
She's trying to get me a place to send her copy (she doesn't know what it is, only that I'm begging her to let me mail her a gift)...she's afraid. She has good reasons for her fears no matter how unfounded.
There are flags so big and so red over all of this relationship, I randomly get chased by cattle every week. But at the moment, I've nothing to lose.
But on days like today, I feel very sorry for myself. Which I hate. I feel very cynical (also hate).
On the plus side, I still get a card from my mom every year.
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