(In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column

[QUARK]

Greetings Super Scum Magazine subscribers!

The repairs to SSM's corporate headquarters are complete and the annual swimsuit issue is on the stands on schedule. I've settled back into my office and am prepared to answer your letters. I'll start off with one I didn't have time to answer when we were at the undisclosed secondary HQ:

Dear Q.U.A.R.K.,

I find myself hampered in my quest to become benevolent dictator of the world by the sad quality of my agents. I am somewhat lacking in resources, so my current technique is to recruit gullible teenage girls, dress them in sexy outfits, and send them out on missions. Unfortunately this society we live in is so corrupt that only the hopelessly incompetent are naively idealistic enough to work for me for free. My chief agent is so giddy she can't concentrate on a single task for more than a second or so; when I criticize her for her inattention she says things like "Coherency is the Bugrom of the unimaginative mind" and "Weeeeeeee!" So far my team has made no progress toward conquest of our first city, much less the world.
How can I recruit intelligent, competent agents to my cause? They must be attractive and provide their own means of support; I will provide revealing uniforms and basic equipment.

Coquettishly,
Big City Bishonen

Dear Big City Bishonen,

One of the hard realities of the vill- er, benevolent dictator racket is that world conquest is damned near impossible to achive on a shoestring budget. Where you stand now, you should make your number one priority acquiring some source of revenue that doesn't envolve holding the world for ransom with a doomsday device (which you probably can't afford anyway). Consider starting a Television Evangelist Ministry; not only is it a good way to effortlessly rake in the cash, but you will soon have a cult of fanatically devoted minions numbering in the millions.

Bad Probability,

[Michael Hopcroft]

This agent wouldn't happen to be named Excel by any chance, would she?

[Gary]

I must protest!

As a subscriber, I eagerly picked up the swimsuit issue. However, imagine my shock and horror when I found out that Grond, Ogre, and Michael Jackson in thongs were the feature models!

Now I know you're a villain and this is in your job description, but this is totally CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!!!

I demand an apology and refund. Grond and Ogre were bad enough, but the centerfold with Michael Jackson was too much. It made 75% of my goons barf and then quit. Do you know how much trouble it is to recruit quality goons???

This is despicable even by your fiendish standards.

Unsatisfied Customer

[Mightybec]

Dear QUARK,

I'd like to rule the world someday, but my only superpower is the ability to turn any liquid into a high quality beer. I tried to recriut a bunch of guys from the local college as henchmen, but it wasn't long before someone puked on my couch and shaved my cat. Then there was a time I had sailors as henchmen. That time I lost my girlfriend and I got a bloody nose. Am I doing something wrong?

Thank You,
Samuel Adams

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Gary
I must protest!

As a subscriber, I eagerly picked up the swimsuit issue. However, imagine my shock and horror when I found out that Grond, Ogre, and Michael Jackson in thongs were the feature models!

Now I know you're a villain and this is in your job description, but this is totally CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!!!

I demand an apology and refund. Grond and Ogre were bad enough, but the centerfold with Michael Jackson was too much. It made 75% of my goons barf and then quit. Do you know how much trouble it is to recruit quality goons???

This is despicable even by your fiendish standards.

Unsatisfied Customer

Dear Unsatisfied,

Unfortunately you have fallen prey to a scam by our most bitter rival, Super Sleaze Weekly. The SSM Swimsuit issue features Saphire, Witchcraft, and Lady Vice (Formerly Lady Virtue). I will talk to Uncle Lou about rectifying this injustice.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Mightybec
Dear QUARK,

I'd like to rule the world someday, but my only superpower is the ability to turn any liquid into a high quality beer. I tried to recriut a bunch of guys from the local college as henchmen, but it wasn't long before someone puked on my couch and shaved my cat. Then there was a time I had sailors as henchmen. That time I lost my girlfriend and I got a bloody nose. Am I doing something wrong?

Thank You,
Samuel Adams

Dear Mr. Adams,

The best way to achieve world domination with the power you discribed is to start your own bottling company and add a "special ingredient" to the beer (i.e. an addictive mind altering drug that allows you to control people's minds with a high frequency sonic device). What the hell, it worked for Coors.

Bad Probability,

[MilkmanDan]

Originally posted by Mightybec
Dear QUARK,

I'd like to rule the world someday, but my only superpower is the ability to turn any liquid into a high quality beer. I tried to recriut a bunch of guys from the local college as henchmen, but it wasn't long before someone puked on my couch and shaved my cat. Then there was a time I had sailors as henchmen. That time I lost my girlfriend and I got a bloody nose. Am I doing something wrong?

Thank You,
Samuel Adams

Tragically, I have the opposite problem. My only superpower is the ability to turn any high quality beer into, er, another liquid.

[Patriot]

Dear QUARK,
I am writing on behalf of the hero team I work for, Team Vanguard. Although we are quite busy, I still take the time to read the publication whenever it comes in....You know what they say,Know your enemy!


P.S. You may or May not find humor in the fact that it was Foxbat that sent us the subscription.



Sincerely,
Patriot

[Mightybec]

Originally posted by QUARK
Dear Mr. Adams,

The best way to achieve world domination with the power you discribed is to start your own bottling company and add a "special ingredient" to the beer (i.e. an addictive mind altering drug that allows you to control people's minds with a high frequency sonic device). What the hell, it worked for Coors.

Bad Probability,

Dear QUARK,

I've made alot of progress with a recent batch of henchmen. It appears that many senators and representatives are alcoholics, and are willing to almost anything for a bit of the good stuff. Wish me luck!

Samuel Adams

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Patriot
Dear QUARK,
I am writing on behalf of the hero team I work for, Team Vanguard. Although we are quite busy, I still take the time to read the publication whenever it comes in....You know what they say,Know your enemy!


P.S. You may or May not find humor in the fact that it was Foxbat that sent us the subscription.



Sincerely,
Patriot

Dear Patriot,

Enjoy your subscription.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

Originally posted by Mightybec
Dear QUARK,

I've made alot of progress with a recent batch of henchmen. It appears that many senators and representatives are alcoholics, and are willing to almost anything for a bit of the good stuff. Wish me luck!

Samuel Adams

Dear Mr. Adams,

I gratifies me to hear your prospects are looking up.

Bad Probability,

[QUARK]

A message from Uncle Lou:

Dear Super Scum Magazine Subscribers,

SSM is currently filing a lawsuit against our rival Super Sleaze Weekly after their mole within SSM stole a copy of our subscriber list and sent out bogus Swimsuit Issues. Copies of the real swimsuit issue are being mailed to our subscribers as you are reading this and the mole is being properly punished. If you have recieved a bogus Swimsuit Issue, please mail it to SSM corporate headquarters for disposal. Thank you.

Lou C. Furr ("Uncle Lou"), Editor and Cheif

[Gary]

Thanks Quark,

I appreciate the quick action on this matter. However, I found an interesting benefit from this incident. It appears that when the heroic side tries to stop my plans, I am able to hold up the centerfold of Michael Jackson in a thong, and the heroes are stopped dead in their tracks. This distraction has given me time to make my getaway.

However, I do hear ominous mutterings of 'revenge' from the likes of Patriot and Team Vanguard. Should I take any precautions?

Kosmic Krusher

[Doc Razor]

Dear QUARK,

I found myself unable to follow your last advice to me. As you may recall, I had found myself in romantic pursuit of a superheroine who deemed me repugnant. The issue now is that it seems by continuing my pursuit I have stirred up another hornet's nest.

The young goddess' boyfriend is an unearthly powerful thug who has pledged to bring her my head! Such a thing is very un-heroic, as I've tried to remind him, but he is set on this decidedly villainous action, foresaking his (weeny) code of ethics.

My question is: Can you suggest a good method by which to fake my own death and implicate the gentleman in question? All you need know is that he is a "brick" with bicep measurments higher than his IQ. Please advise.

Yours in Villainous splendor,
Doc Razor

(Not affiliated with Doc Razor's Hard Lemonade or Doc Razor's disposable shaving implements)

[Patriot]

(ripping of brown paper wrapper)......


flip flip flip


(Critical failure on Con Check) hmmm...a centerfold.



Blargh....ralph...hurl


And they call us mutants freaks