When I Am the Benevolent Ruler....

[SKJAM!]

As you know, Bob, Evil Overlords have a list of things to do (or not do) should they ever be in a position of power.

However, it is clear from fantasy and other escapist literature that not-so-evil leaders also sometimes do very foolish things, and could use a guide to proper behavior.

Thus, this list....

When I Am the Benevolent Ruler...

As a general rule, I will remember that I am not the Evil Overlord, and should not indulge in behavior that will confuse my subjects on this point.

I will ensure that all my potential heirs have interesting and important jobs to do, according to their abilities, so they will have less time to plot against one another.

If I do have a particular favorite among my heirs, I will go out of my way to show the others that I love them too. Even if this is not true.

Being aware of the possibility of evil twins, mind control, or just having a really bad day, if the Hero suddenly starts acting out of character, I will call for a careful investigation rather than his head.

I will not callously dump my old, reliable Hero for the latest flashy device, or a new "kewl" Hero. This invariably backfires, and it's so embarrassing to have to apologize to the Hero afterwards.

I will remember that the word "vizier" is always preceded by the word "evil" for a reason, and plan accordingly.

I will treat any flashy gift from a previously unknown wizard or inventor with the same caution I would a venomous snake.

I will not be tempted by immortality. It is more important that my land be ruled well than that it be ruled by me.

I will not base the distribution of my lands and property among my heirs on a flattery contest. Even if I think I'm smart enough to spot a good metaphor when I hear one.


Additions?


SKJAM!

[Blue Jogger]

I will listen to the people, even though I will be horribly bored with one more farmer or peasant complaining about their minor problems. For I know, peasant revolts have been started over less.

[OddHat]

If the Hero is more popular than I am, I will not allow my jealousy to drive me to throw him into the dungeons, even if urged to do so by my evil advisors. Instead, I will appoint him to a well paid position for which he is not suited, such as Head of the Fisheries Department, and allow him to fade from the public eye. If this does not solve the problem, I will assign him as an ambassador to a friendly and unimportant country as far from the capital as possible.

I will reconsider the need for Evil advisors, and will employ a bright seven year old child to inform me of which of my advisors are in fact Evil.

When my Queen and my Champion are getting excessively friendly, I will send my Champion off on that crusade against Evil I've been meaning to get around to. My queen and I will seek marital counseling.

I will reconsider marrying for love or money, and will instead marry a woman based on her demonstrated head for management and commitment to good government.

If a bastard son should show up, I will welcome him, shower him with gifts, and find a nice crusade for him to head off on. My Queen will just have to deal with it.

When a quest needs to be accomplished, I will send my youngest son first, and thus avoid ending up getting his brothers killed.

My identical cousin or twin brother will either be given a nice job within my administration or killed outright, or possibly both and in that order. Imprisoning him in some form of mask will not be an option.

[Worldmaker]

I will scour the books for any pesky "Must be married by..." laws that might come up and bite me, or even worse my heirs, in the ass at a highly inappropriate time. Such laws are only there to allow the Evil Vizier another shot at stealing my throne.

[OddHat]

My wife will be advised in no uncertain terms against inviting Faerie Godmothers, Witches, or supernatural creatures of any sort to our child's christening.

Old women, gypsies, and indeed people in general will be treated courteously at all times by my courtiers, champions and guards, even if I intend to have these people killed. Especially if I intend to have them killed.

Plans to build an invincible super-weapon will be filed and ignored, unless we are actually at war.

A good network of roads and accompanying communications system are vital to good government, and I shall maintain both.

Wizards and withes will not be harassed by my loutish knights, but will instead be offered well-paid jobs in my Royal University, and provided with enough wine and food to keep them drunk, fat and happy.

I will reconsider the need for loutish knights.

[OddHat]

If my brilliant yet ruthless wife is determined that her worthless son be named as my heir, I shall ask her to come up with a convincing plan for him to successfully rule once she is no longer there to pull his strings. If she is sufficiently brilliant to come up with such a plan, I shall accept her wishes rather than see all of my other potential heirs killed off. If her plan is not convincing, I shall have the pair of them killed then and there, or possibly that night. The welfare of my people comes first.

If my wife seems to be gathering a great deal of power to herself, I will praise her for it, shower her with honors, and quietly assign her to take care of a massive and nearly impossible public works project, such as building a pyramid in a swamp or a wall that surrounds our entire kingdom. If she still wants power after trying to drain a swamp for thirty years, she can have it.

I will avoid marrying family enemies, such as the grand-daughter of a man my father killed or the widow of a man I slew in fair combat. Instead, I shall marry a plain but bright girl with a talent for city planning.

[OddHat]

When my tomboyish young daughter determines to prove that she is as good as any man, I will provide her with as much combat training as she can handle and a command of her own, with very skilled, loyal, and good looking body guards. A few tastes of bloody combat and their aftermath should get the bloodlust out of her system, especially if I include "field medicine" as part of her training. The inevitable affair with a guard should get me some grand-children, and taking care of them will keep her out of combat for a few years.

My brave but foolhardy son shall be showered with love and praise, and will be sent into the worst of the fighting whenever possible. He'll either get some sense knocked into him or be killed.

My cowardly but clever son will be given love and praise and a nice position in the church, or possibly as an administrator. If he is both cowardly and a fool, he will be quietly killed. I can always adopt an heir, and the good of my people is more important than the purity of my line.

[LordGhee]

Wait Wait!! the Evil overlord kills everyone and the Benevolent Ruler dose also!!

Is this just a function of goverment?

Lord Ghee

[OddHat]

Wait Wait!! the Evil overlord kills everyone and the Benevolent Ruler dose also!!

Is this just a function of goverment?

Lord Ghee

The Evil Overlord kills for fun and profit. The Good Overlord kills for the good of his nation. The "Pacifist Overlord" is more accurately described as "The Former-Overlord."

[SKJAM!]

However, the Benevolent Ruler should kill in such a way as not to have people confuse him with the Evil Overlord. It's a difficult line to walk, but an important one.

Back to the list....

I will avoid producing extra-marital offspring. Yes, my needs are important, and a "spare" *might* come in handy, but 99% of the time bastards just cause trouble.

It is only proper that my standard of living is better than that of my subjects. Indeed, my subjects *expect* that of their ruler. However, I will never mistake my personal prosperity for that of the general populace and drive them into destitution.

Firmly disciplined peasants=good. Oppressed peasants=bad.

If the god of my country is not only demonstratably real, but has taken a close personal interest in my career, I will not tick Him off by pulling stupid stunts I darn well know are against His rules. My weaselly workarounds and excuses are *not* going to impress Him, and the country really doesn't need another bout of divine wrath.

I will keep my children's feelings in mind when picking spouses for them. While political considerations are important, it won't help the planned alliance if my daughter's first reaction is to poison her new husband.

[OddHat]

I shall not, under any circumstances, fund construction projects intended to "rival the glory of the Gods themselves." Instead, I shall base my development plans on the actual needs of my kingdom.

Should I be lucky enough to have a beautiful daughter, I will at no time declare her to be more beautiful than a named goddess, and will instead restrict myself to referring to her as "very beautiful". Similarly, I will not compare myself to any known divinity.

If asked to judge a beauty a contest between several rival Goddesses, I shall decline as politely as possible. If forced to participate, I shall base my choice of winner on the Goddess most able to offer post-contest protection, and prepare for the worst.

If my beloved son should bring his married lover to my capital city, I shall strongly advise the two of them to reconsider their relationship, and order them to leave. Love is grand, but my son's romantic life is not worth a major war.

Rather than relying on passing heroes to solve my monster problems, I shall invest in a well trained standing army.

If a Forest of Evil should exist on my lands, I will systematically convert it into small farms over a period of 5-10 years rather than leaving it to fester.

If I feel that I absolutely must win back the Holy Land from the Infidel, I will not ride out to do so myself, leaving my evil and foolish younger brother on the throne. Instead, I will dispatch a loyal and competent general to take care of the problem.

[Just A Guy Name]

Sounds like the Benevolent Ruler and the Evil Overlord studied from the same book. Machiavelli?

I'll bet they even graduated from the same class.. probably salutatorian and valedictorian

[OddHat]

Sounds like the Benevolent Ruler and the Evil Overlord studied from the same book. Machiavelli?

I'll bet they even graduated from the same class.. probably salutatorian and valedictorian

Possibly. I've never liked the idea that Benevolent = Dim.

[Captain Obvious]

Agreed. Back in my D&D days, I started playing Lawful Good hardasses because I was sick of the forgive-and-forget weaklings that LG was being equated with....

[Koshka]

If a bastard son should show up, I will welcome him, shower him with gifts, and find a nice crusade for him to head off on. My Queen will just have to deal with it.

I won't take any actions that could result in a bastard child until I have at least one legitimate heir, preferably two. My country doesn't need some noble (especially one related to the Queen) claiming that the reason there's no legitimate heir is because I've been too busy chasing other women to have sex with my wedded spouse.

If my Queen and I have fertility problems, I will get them taken care of promptly. Adoption is good, if nothing else works.