Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

[Narf the Mouse]

Yorik

Hey! You stole my question!

[Lucius]

Started a third campaign, with the same GM as the D&D, and two of the players from the Cthulhu. It's a Dark Heresy game, the Warhammer 40K universe. It's also a prime example of why you don't let your players come up with the background.

Based on a few random rolls for inspiration, the PCs homeworld was an icy lifeless desert, with a few arcologies clustered around the polar icecaps. It's also a Shrineworld, dedicated to the worship of one of the Heroes of the Imperium. What did this hero do? *rolls some more* Drove off the Eldar.

Aaaand this was when Murray started getting his migraine. Because on the basis of these rolls, the saint is clearly St Nikolas, who thousands of years ago drove the vile elves from the North Pole and lead Humanity to it's triumph on this icy world Kringle. And on behalf of the Emperor on Holy Terra, St Nikolas watches everything we do. If you're on the Good list you get lumps of coal. It's a very cold planet, after all. If you're on the Bad list you get frag grenades, sans pins. Among the holy relics of the saint are a pair of Lightning Claws. You probably don't want to know what we came up with for ceremonial regalia or the fighting songs of the planet's Imperial Guard regiments.

Anyway, most of this is background because the planet in question was recently annexed by the Tau Empire, and the population sent to reeducation camps before transferal to resettlement townships on a world deep inside Tau territory. The three PCs are among the POWs - one army tech, by the name of Rosenkrantz. One lobotomised commissar/preacher by the name of Guildenstern. And at this point I decided why fight it, and named my own noble-born cleric Polonius.

The lobotomised preacher is being played by my brother Ian, elsewhere known as Suna, or as Mandible, or as Paddy McGinty. This is all the warning you should require.

Brother Guildenstern : Onward, Men of Kringle! Remember the sacred example of Saint Nikolas as he led the fight against the wicked Xenos scum! Onward! Never surrender! Never falter! The eye of the Emperor is upon you, through his vessel Saint Nikolas!
Brother Polonius : *sighs* And the sad thing is he's saying all this to a flock of chickens.

Brother Polonius : We have to wonder just how much of his brain they removed. I'm picturing a tiny little alien sitting in his skull, operating a joystick.

Brother Polonius OOC : You don't have to be a flagellant, Brother Guildenstern. You punish the rest of us enough, just by existing.

Brother Polonius : Now now, Brother Guildenstern, we've been through this before. Of course the Emperor and Saint Nikolas talk to you through the skull of your predecessor. But what do we do first? We check your hand, remember? See everything we wrote down? Yes, I know number 2 is 'Kill All Xenos' but we don't have to do that right now.

This absolutely, no argument, belongs in the Mixed Genre Nightmares thread.

Unlike most of what's in that thread, this meets the original poster's specification. I do find it "disturbing"

Lucius Alexander

Telling that palindromedary to take the red noses off and stop rankly abusing the ear of Denmark. And mine.

[Drhoz]

This absolutely, no argument, belongs in the Mixed Genre Nightmares thread.

Unlike most of what's in that thread, this meets the original poster's specification. I do find it "disturbing"

Lucius Alexander

Telling that palindromedary to take the red noses off and stop rankly abusing the ear of Denmark. And mine.

Bwahahaha.... *rubs hands together evilly and makes plans for next session*

[Lucius]

Does that mean you're going to crosspost it, or must I do it for you?

Lucius Alexander

The palindromedary remarks that Lucius generously wants to share the nightmare...

[Drhoz]

Does that mean you're going to crosspost it, or must I do it for you?

Lucius Alexander

The palindromedary remarks that Lucius generously wants to share the nightmare...

already done

[Susano]

Ten points to you

I'll admit, it took me a moment.

[Mjolnir74]

Quotes from a a D&D4 campaign.

Cast:
Anastrianna: Female Eladrin Wizard. Winter aspected with personality to match.
Balinor: Male Half Elf Warlock. Chronically randy. Exploits include: An BDSM Succubus, Halfling Twins (at the same time), and a Half Orc head of the town guard.

----------

Background:
Through out the campaign, the Warlock has been trying to get into the Wizard's panties much to the Wizard's disapproval. The GM needs some information about the Warlock.

----------

GM: Warlock, what pact did you take?

Anastrianna (OOC): He took the fudge pact.

[Egyptoid]

no gaming this month at all. however, a bunch of us did go see a movie.

we talked gaming afterwards, and one of the DMs talked about taking over
someone else's time slot. But what came out of his mouth was this:
"I'm gonna bodak his game"

Spoiler:

show spoiler

If you don't get it. this was hilarious as hell. he meant to say Bogart.
but he runs so much D&D that the monsters name slipped out instead.
he and others did not realize he had done it until a few of us started laughing.

[Drhoz]

Call of Cthulhu, opening the year with a bang. In which the players shoot a house and set fire to an enemy, and the opening salvos in an intercontinental magical war between Vitus of Clan Scorpion and McGinty of Clan Mad Irish Bastard.

June 1924 - First half of Fred Behrendt's Mansion of Madness from Mansions of Madness. In which a collector of some really creepy paintings has gone missing, and they volunteer to track him down. It'll get Lancaster out of the house, for one thing, even though he's still just a brain in a jar.

Elsewhere, Agent Landing of the Office of Naval Intelligence has put together a brief file regarding one Jackson Elias, occult writer. According to the investigator's pet spook, he's just arrived in Nairobi, and has a subject for a new book in mind - apparently not all the members of the infamously ill-fated Carlyle Expedition are dead! And according to Elias it looks like a cult was involved!

Despite the difficulty of running your business when you're a head in a jar, word HAS reached Lancaster, via the rare book network, of an odd development in the trade. Somebody in Cairo is sending out standing orders for any rare or unique Arabic texts on Astronomy & Magic they can get hold of. And they're willing to pay a premium.

And McGinty also received word that somebody broke into his farmhouse/Warehouse 23 in Charing Cross. The burglars searched the house top to bottom but they weren't caught, alas. Nor did the the neighbours get a good description of them. By an odd co-incidence somebody bearing an exact resemblance to the minion used by the hyena-headed werewolf-thing that repeatedly kicked McGinty testicles up into his abdominal cavity, a few years back, came sniffing around Rondale & McGinty's Automotive & Electrical Repair shop whilst McGinty was out. They were apparently attempting to track down and purchase a unique Arabic text on Astronomy, Maths, and Magic he for some reason thought McGinty had acquired.

One thing McGinty has acquired - or at least acquired legally, with actual money and receipts changing hands - is a funeral plot.

McGinty : In case I need somewhere to hide a body in a hurry
GM : *headdesk* I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding someone to fill it.

He also blows $1400 on an apartment in Arkham for his friend Kelley and his vampire sibling Hal. And lets them stay there rent free. Thus turning a large pile of stolen gang cash into a tax write-off for himself.

GM : How does he keep doing this? He does things that at first glance seem outright insane, and they all turn out to be brilliant ideas.
Lancaster's player : He's a Drunken Master of life.

Back in Massachusetts it's good to know that the Boston Police are good for something - they've just broken up an occult group that was planning a human sacrifice! Too late for the victim, alas. Two of the members were taken alive by the police, but the leader apparently got away. In other occult news, Mina "Margery" Crandon, wife of a wealthy Boston surgeon and socialite, Dr. Le Roi Goddard Crandon was submitted as a candidate to Scientific American magazine, as a medium who could demonstrate telekinetic ability under scientific controls. Her séance circles include luminary members of the Boston upper class and Ivy League elite. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle gave her significant credibility. She's became so popular that her prayers are read by the US Army. And Committee Secretary Malcolm Bird has leaked to the press that the Committee are leaning toward a positive vote - it looks like she's the real McCoy!

GM : McGi... Lancaster's Brain. I was about to say McGinty's Brain... but what brain would that be?

Rondale : I don't have any problems with my sister dating, I just don't want her dating any occult types or anybody remotely connected to the Mafia.
GM : So Irish gangsters, Jewish gangsters, Yakuza, Triads, and the Union Corse would all be fine?

Threatening to tell Lancaster's daughter everything that's happened to him if he doesn't agree to be sawn open like a tin of beans, reduced to calcined powder, and reconstituted as a probable vampire.

McGinty : *holds up Lancaster's jar* This is your father's brain. *holds on his head like a hat and dances around* This is your father's brain on McGinty

GM : What about your late brother, Amy?
McGinty : I could bring him back for you.
Amy : No! Just no!
McGinty : Not even to ask his ghost if he's happy?
Amy : No!!! I just hope he isn't lingering, that's he's gone to wherever people finally go when they die!
GM : I suspect he means he could bring your brother's ghost back whether it wants to or not
Amy : Oh god! *hugs knees and shakes*
Rondale : McGinty, let's not violate natural order today, ok?
Amy Wells : But McGinty casting any spells whilst sober is against the nature order!

To the considerable shock of the Detective Sergeant that's been handling both the kidnapping and the the cult cases, McGinty and company soon make significant breakthroughs in both, AND correctly identify the informant the police has been protecting with a false name. All this and still find time to play Lancaster's canister like the bongos. And are promised $2500 by seriously ill mob boss Zeke the Geek Crater if they can track down and return a stolen crystal carving.

GM : And having just expertly milked you of everything you know of the case without saying more then ten words, Crater continues.

Rondale : What's the difference between crazy & eccentric?
GM : About $20,000 a year

Lancaster's Brain usually occupies a hatbox on long-distance travel.

Rondale : It's got a lock on it.
Lancaster : It's the only hatbox in America with chains.

Lancaster OOC : Oh god, I asked her prop me up on the dashboard. I'm the first bobble-head in history.

Amy : Let's just get Lancaster's Resurrection over with, shall we???
GM : You really want to risk him coming back as a vampire, like Hal?
Amy : ... that may have been an accident....

On Star Trek sanitary facilities

Amy's player : The Enterprise plans show hundreds of crew... and one toilet.
Rondale's player : I guess the queue must get pretty long sometimes.
GM : Nah, after some of the things Kirk puts the ship through they just need the laundry
Amy player : Still it's better off than the Klingon ships. They have none.
McGinty's player : Guess that's why they call them Klingons
Everybody else : *facepalm*

Lancaster's player : No wonder they're so mean-tempered. They've been holding on since they left the homeworld.

Watching McGinty smoothly pretending to be a normal concerned citizen when somebody breaks into the Arkham house they've been illegally occupying.

GM : I still can't understand how, with all the things he does, he still manages to maintain a Credit Rating in the high 70s. It must his Irish charm. Or whenever people get near him they suffer catastrophic brain damage from the alcohol fumes.

Whoever broke into Bernie's old place ( or what WAS Bernie's place before McGinty frightened him into fleeing the country ) apparently searched it from top to bottom, finding one of the secret room... and punching a heavy steel door out of it's frame. McGinty leaps to the conclusion that it must have been the hyena-thing and his human minion, and digs out the voodoo doll that featured so horribly in the New York case. On the other side of the world, Vitus's leg suddenly breaks. Happily for Vitus, it's the work of moments to figure out where the attack originated ( yet another 01 roll! I must be getting two or three of these a session the last few games!) and dispatch a response in kind. Less happily, McGinty has had time to rig the saferoom with a crateful of grenades, whilst he himself heads back down to Boston and anticipates a phonecall from the police about his house exploding.

Amy and Lancaster's Brain have been having their own problems. Such a rather alarming thing that's been knocking on her apartment door. And third-storey windows, trying to get in.

The Thing is less than clear-spoken about its nature or mission.

McGinty : Hey! You! Where's Keetling!
Thing : Where the wish is father to the thought.
McGinty : An address would be nice

Rondale : Right! Let's go!
McGinty : t' wot?
Rondale : Muskrat Falls
McGinty : t' wot?
Rondale : In Pennsylvania!
McGinty : t' wot?
GM : You're just calling him that deliberately, aren't you?

But once interstate things start going slightly awry. For one thing Rondale empties a dragon's breath shotgun round into an unarmed woman as soon as he sees her. In front of a Sheriff. And then uses a normal round to blow a doorlock off and kick his way in. Which is when the room beyond unfolds into infinite space and impossible light poured down on them from above.

The session closed with Lancaster's view from the dashboard of the truck - McGinty & Rondale diving from a second storey window, Amy dragging a stupefied sheriff out the door by his collar, and McGinty & Rondale ignoring their injuries as they run around the house frantically firing incendiary rounds through every window....

For Fans Of The Foul Tempered Gnoll, a new tag - Sic Vitus Est. Revisit all your favourite stories about one of the Guild's more memorable utter bastards.

[Manic Typist]

He also blows $1400 on an apartment in Arkham for his friend Kelley and his vampire sibling Hal. And lets them stay there rent free. Thus turning a large pile of stolen gang cash into a tax write-off for himself.

Since I've never really had occasion to pay taxes.... can you explain how using this money in this way would qualify as a tax write off? Just curious.

I do enjoy these recountings very much, regardless.

[csyphrett]

Since I've never really had occasion to pay taxes.... can you explain how using this money in this way would qualify as a tax write off? Just curious.

I do enjoy these recountings very much, regardless.

You can give up to a certain amount as gift and deduct that from your taxes.
CES

[Manic Typist]

Thank you. I'm still not sure how it would help him avoid the IRS, but it is still amusing nonetheless.

[Drhoz]

Thank you. I'm still not sure how it would help him avoid the IRS, but it is still amusing nonetheless.

Trust me, the IRS is the least of McGinty's worries right now. The Bureau of Investigation, the Prohibition Agents, the Pinks, three cults, a gangster, and a notoriously foul-tempered wizard are all taking a keen interest in McGinty's activities right now.

[Ian Mackinder]

Trust me, the IRS is the least of McGinty's worries right now. The Bureau of Investigation, the Prohibition Agents, the Pinks, three cults, a gangster, and a notoriously foul-tempered wizard are all taking a keen interest in McGinty's activities right now.

So, when will they start comparing notes and teaming up?

[Drhoz]

So, when will they start comparing notes and teaming up?

Give it a few months. Cult team-ups can wait until Masks of Nyarlathotep.

Oh, that reminds me. He also has a pack of racist Virginian rednecks out for his blood.