Looking for literary help with background

[Qelan]

I am working on the backstory for one of my characters. So far I have my wife doing most of the editing and proof reading but would love any extra advice. Also, it is comming out more wordy then I originally attended but I am finding it very hard to slim it down.

[Qelan]

Alistair Prospero. Born in the early 1800’s on an island in the West Indies. His family amassed a small fortune trading with foreigners and controlled the majority of the spice market and local goods on the island. Alistair was a brilliant child and by the age of 2 could speak very well. He made a game out of memorizing the species of flora and fauna on the island.

Alistair’s father, seeing the many innovations and modern conveniences the foreigners used felt there was a better world out there in which to raise and educate his son. One day he decided to move the family off the island in search of a new life. A year later they found themselves in England.

Even with his simple and uneducated background Alistair’s father was a shrewd businessman with a knack for politics and social dynamics, their ethnic status being barely a limitation. It wasn’t long before his fortune grew by investing in the new steam power technology; where others were still skeptical he instantly recognized the potential. He purchased the biggest house in town and had his son placed in Oxford University. He became a legendary mystical figure that was rarely seen in public. The family became inducted as nobility and wielded considerable influence, no small feat indeed since persons of color were rarely accepted in polite society.

Alistair entered Oxford an eager student but the faculty and peers were not prepared to accept a 16 year old colored boy so readily. Even with these obstacles Alistair excelled academically, causing jealousy and bitter rivalry. One day during a dispute between the school and the town of Oxford a group of bullies took advantage of the chaos and locked Alistair in a trunk. In the absolute darkness his mind expanded; desperate to escape he reached out with his thoughts and crushed the lock. Surprised, he frantically gathered his wits and made a hasty retreat.

After the incident he performed many small experiments, exploring the limits of his mind to discover the nature of his unusual talents. He began researching all he could about the human mind and the unexplained phenomenon. Alistair practiced moving things mentally in secret but his studies attracted the attention of a keen eye.

Professor Samson was an elderly man, though it may not be apparent due to his aggressive mannerisms. From the energy he displayed in his voice and flamboyant gestures one would assume him to be a man of youth. The Professor was drawn to Alistair after noticing a conspicuous link between the seemingly random titles of books he carried. Curious, he sent an invitation for Alistair to attend his lecture series on Egyptology.

Upon arrival Alistair noticed a cloaked and hooded figure prominently seated before the platform. The audience appeared to take no notice of the peculiarly garbed being. During the course of the lecture, Alistair received a note requesting an audience with Professor Sampson following the presentation. As the hall emptied, the mysterious individual remained seated, having remained perfectly still throughout the lecture. As Alistair approached the Professor his attention focused on the stranger. The Professor noticed his distraction and smiled inwardly…

Professor Sampson explained how he suspected Alistair may have unique talents but when Alistair sensed the presence of his cloaked associate his thoughts were validated. It was in that moment that time slowed down, images became distorted, and Alistair’s focus was drawn to a single point. The Professor continued but he could not hear what he was saying, and it was in that moment when everything in his life changed. Amid the spiraling colors was the solid and complete form of the stranger. In an instant the Professors voice became crystal clear as he said, “I would like to introduce you to a close friend of mine, The Scarab!” The Professor smiled visibly and added, “I think you will find much in common with HER.” So it was in that moment Alistair met his mentor and became entwined with the enigmatic organization known as F.A.T.E!

[Doc Shocker]

I think you could condense the early childhood aspects a bit. Focus more on the Oxford days and specifically on the initial uses of power.

All in all not a bad origin.

[Qelan]

I was thinking that I might need to drop it also but i am still undecided

[Doc Shocker]

Honestly, I can see it going either way. Flesh it out a lot more or condense it. As is, it's a sorta klunky read.

[ghost-angel]

OK, I went through and rewrote it almost completely, I got it from 670 words down to 580 and I don't think I lost anything.

--
Alistair Prospero was born to a wealthy family whose fortunes lay in the spice trade in the West Indies. Even at a young age Alistair's genius started to show, it considered it a mere game to memorize the species of local flaura and fauna.

Seeing the many innovations of the foreigners on the soil, Alirstairs father moved the family to England in search of a new life with new possibilities.

It was his father's shrewd business sense that allowed him to overcome the ethnic handicap they encountered in their new home. Allowing him to advance socially and politically amongst the English merchants. Once in England he recognized the hold Steam Power would have on the modern world and switched his investments to take advantage of the emerging technology. Seeking a better education for his son than he received Alistair was enrolled in Oxford University at the first opportunity. His father became a legendary businessman, with rare appearances he surrounded himself in an air of mystique, combined with his social savvy the family was one of the few families of color allowed into the English Aristocracy.

Alistair himself had more to overcome than mere politics. He was a young man of 16 enrolled in Oxford and encountered a great deal of prejudice. Despite this he excelled academically, causing jealousy and rivalry amongst his peers. It was during a small riot that his abilities came to the front. During the chaos a group of his enemies locked him in a trunk. It was locked in the absolute darkness that his mind expanded, through desperation he reached out with his mind and willed the lock holding him in to be crushed. He made good his espcape, despite his own surprise at the situation.

After this incident Alistair took to studying his new found ability. Learning both all that was to be had about the human mind, and through experimentation of his own. Despite his practicing in secret he caught the attention of a keen eye.

Professor Sampson was a man whose energy and mannerisms belied his age. He was drawn to young Alistair as he took notice of the seemingly random assortment of books he studied. Curious he sent an invitation to the young studnet to attend his lecture series on Egyptology.

Upon his arrival at the lecture hall Alistair took notice of something that the other students seemingly ignored completely. A cloaked and hooded figure was prominently seated before the platform. During the lectuer Alistair received a note that the Professor wished an audience with him. As the audience hall cleared out the figure made no movements at all, and Alistair was fixated on him depsite the Professor wanting to talk to him. The Professor noted this distraction and smiled inwardly.

Professor Sampson did get Alistair's attention when he explained the young man may have unique talents. The Professor's own suspicions were validated when Alistair noticed the cloaked figure. It was in that moment that time slowed and images became distorted, Alistair had trouble focusing on the Professors words. Amid the spiraling chaos the strangers form becaome solid and unmoving. As his mind focused on this one point the Professors words came through clearly, "I would like to introduce you to a close friend, The Scarab." The Professor smiled, "I think you will find you have much in common with her." So it was at that time that Alistair met his mentor and became entwined with the enigmatic organization known as F.A.T.E.!
--

Use it, or parts of it, or none of it, as you will. Enjoy.

[Qelan]

Ghost Angel, I find your rewrite nearly flawless. It’s smooth and uncomplicated basically all the objectives I was trying to achieve. I like how you manage to all that and keep the original story intact. Awesome Job!

[ghost-angel]

Thanks.

[Doc Shocker]

Repped.

[aylwin13]

You could slip in that Prof. Sampson's first name is John. Not because my name in John Sampson, or anything like that, though.

[Qelan]

Ghost Angel, this is what we came up with after my wife got ahold of it. Thanks for your help. I am looking for any more helpful suggestions anyone may have.

---------------------------------------------------

Alistair Prospero was born to a wealthy family whose fortunes lay in the spice trade in the West Indies. Even at a young age Alistair's genius started to show and he considered it a mere game to memorize the species of local flora and fauna. Seeing the many innovations of the foreigners that he encountered, Alistair’s father moved the family to England in search of a life with new possibilities.

It was his father's shrewd business sense that allowed him to overcome the ethnic handicap they encountered in their new home, permitting him to advance socially and politically amongst the English merchants. Alistair’s father recognized the hold steam power would have on the modern world and positioned his investments to take advantage of the emerging technology. Rumors circulated concerning his legendary rise in business and social standing, adding to the air of mystique that surrounded him. Even though his public appearances were rare the English aristocracy embraced him and they were one of the few families of color accepted into polite society.

Seeking a better education for his son Alistair was enrolled in Oxford University at the first opportunity. He was an eager student but the faculty and peers were not prepared to accept a 16 year old colored boy so readily. Even with these obstacles Alistair excelled academically, causing jealousy and bitter rivalry. One day during a dispute between the school and the town of Oxford a group of bullies took advantage of the chaos and locked Alistair in a trunk. In the absolute darkness his mind expanded; desperate to escape he reached out with his thoughts and crushed the lock. Surprised, he frantically gathered his wits and made a hasty retreat.

After this incident Alistair took to studying his new found ability. Through experimentation of his own he began to explore the limits of his new talents. Despite his practicing in secret he caught the attention of a keen eye.

Professor Sampson was a man whose energy and mannerisms belied his age. He was drawn to young Alistair as he took notice of the seemingly random assortment of books he studied. Curious, he sent an invitation to the young student to attend his lecture series on Egyptology.

Upon his arrival at the lecture hall Alistair took notice of something that the other students seemingly ignored completely. A cloaked and hooded figure was prominently seated before the platform. During the lecture Alistair received a note that the Professor wished an audience with him. As the hall emptied the figure made no movement at all, and Alistair was fixated on the stranger. The Professor noted his distraction and smiled inwardly.

Professor Sampson explained how he suspected Alistair may have unique talents and when Alistair sensed the presence of his cloaked associate his thoughts were confirmed. It was in that moment time slowed and images became distorted and Alistair had trouble focusing on the Professors words. Amid the spiraling chaos the stranger’s form become solid and unmoving; mesmerized, his focus was drawn to it. Suddenly, the Professor’s words came through clearly, "I would like to introduce you to a close friend, The Scarab." Throwing back the hood, the stranger revealed a face glowing with a timeless energy. Alistair stood awestruck, mesmerized by a gaze full of ancient wisdom. The Professor smiled, "I think you will find you have much in common with her." In that moment Alistair met his mentor and his life became entwined with the enigmatic organization known as F.A.T.E.!