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(In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column


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Originally posted by Gary

Dear Quark,

 

I have a dilemma. My goons are threatening to go on strike! They want more pay, better working conditions, and a copy of the real SSM swimsuit issue.

 

I've been a good master. I don't beat my goons up too much and rarely make an example of one. I almost never kill any of them even if they report a failure. I give them full medical, dental, and legal coverage. I've even set up a pension plan for them (although admittedly, nobody has ever collected).

 

What is a crime lord to do? I need my goons for my next plot against Team Vanguard.

 

Kosmic Krusher

Dear Kosmic Krusher,

 

It is indeed hard to find good help these days. Two solutions to your personnel problems come to mind:

[*]Look into replacing those willful, cowardy, and generally incompetent henchpersons with stalward, ever-faithful robots.

[*]Purchase a zombification kit or two from http://www.villainsupply.com

[/list=1]

 

Bad Probability,

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Re: the wonderfull thing about villians

 

Originally posted by Patriot

The great thing about villians:

 

Ya never keep your plans quiet.

 

Whoooop! whooooop! Whooop!

(Vanguard Base is now at red alert)

 

 

 

ahh heck, I'll just play x-box till they get here...I can take 'em

 

Yeah, but us villains get 25 extra points from this psych lim. You'd better watch yourself. :P

 

Can't wait for that Zombification kit to arrive...

 

Kosmic Krusher

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Right Mr Quark, ever since Random Indian Guy and I parted ways (after the Minions & Morningstar got fried by Aglar and his M.O.P) I have become more and more... well extroverted, Is it true that with out a straight man to play off my rambunciousnessness could lead to me being "revised?"

 

Also I need a new Side kick or "partner" as you seem to be in contact with every super thing in the multiverse you wold know the best... So who would you suggest?

 

 

Forever trying to keep Bannanas from taking over the world

Rage "379"

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Dear QUARK,

 

While torturing various superhero sidekicks in my lab, I've discovered that the sound and tone of thier screams depend on where you poke them, and what you poke them with. After much trial and error, I've created an alblum of cover songs, sung by yours truly, and accompanied by the sidekick screams. "Stairway to Heaven" turned out great! Do you think that there is a market out there for my music?

 

Thank you,

Dr. Typhus

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Originally posted by Rage

Right Mr Quark, ever since Random Indian Guy and I parted ways (after the Minions & Morningstar got fried by Aglar and his M.O.P) I have become more and more... well extroverted, Is it true that with out a straight man to play off my rambunciousnessness could lead to me being "revised?"

 

Also I need a new Side kick or "partner" as you seem to be in contact with every super thing in the multiverse you wold know the best... So who would you suggest?

 

 

Forever trying to keep Bannanas from taking over the world

Rage "379"

Dear Rage,

 

Try the next big comicbook convention in your area, I sure you'll find many good potential sidekicks among the convention goers.

 

Bad Probability,

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Originally posted by Mightybec

Dear QUARK,

 

While torturing various superhero sidekicks in my lab, I've discovered that the sound and tone of thier screams depend on where you poke them, and what you poke them with. After much trial and error, I've created an alblum of cover songs, sung by yours truly, and accompanied by the sidekick screams. "Stairway to Heaven" turned out great! Do you think that there is a market out there for my music?

 

Thank you,

Dr. Typhus

Dear Dr. Typhus,

 

Uncle Lou has many contacts in the music industry, I'm sure he'd be happy to help you get your foot in the door if you'll send him a demo tape.

 

Bad Probability,

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Dear Quark,

 

I am a successful villainous overlord. My minions both fear and respect me, and tremble at my presence. I have crushed all the puny so-called "heroes" who have attempted to assault my impenetrable fortress. Entire nations quake in fear at a mere utterance of my voice, and none dare stand and oppose me when I show myself. Yet, somehow, I just don't feel fresh. What do you suggest?

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Originally posted by Nightfire

Dear Quark,

 

One of my lackeys is upset because I don't want to talk after committing one of my master crimes, how can I get him to understand that he is just an underling unworthy of my conversation without hurting his feelings?

 

Bookworm

Dear Bookworm,

 

There is no way to tell someone that, so go ahead and do it and don't worry about his "feelings." Better still, consider purchasing a Zombification kit from: http://www.villainsupply.com

 

Bad Probability,

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Originally posted by Squid

Dear Quark,

 

I am a successful villainous overlord. My minions both fear and respect me, and tremble at my presence. I have crushed all the puny so-called "heroes" who have attempted to assault my impenetrable fortress. Entire nations quake in fear at a mere utterance of my voice, and none dare stand and oppose me when I show myself. Yet, somehow, I just don't feel fresh. What do you suggest?

Dear Overlord,

 

Try taking a shower.

 

Bad Probability,

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Dear QUARK,

 

How many villains DOES it take to screw in a light bulb? No, really! I have an argument going with the Government's Wargame computer; According to the WOPR, ideally it's 2 (One to trap the hero and one to mind-control him into doing it for you), whereas I think it's no less than 3 (One to develop the machine to shrink the sun, one to give away the plan to the heroes, and one to to remind the others that they have ultra-violet goggles and don't need a light bulb after all). Could you put your computative powers to work and settle this argument?

 

Thanks,

Blue

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Originally posted by QUARK

Bump!!!

I'm a secret agent working for an ideological society. My supreme commander wants to become Dictator so he can rebuild the economy and purify society. Not unlike a certain Western Chancellor of recent history. But I'm the one who ends up getting shot in the underground bunker.

I don't have very many brain cells. How can I become a better agent so my beloved leader will like me?

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My friends die a lot. First it was a guy I liked from Latin America (no, not like that, we were just friends) Now I've got a new friend who's really delicate. She drops dead on a regular basis and I'm worried she won't recover next time. Plus it's really disgusting. So I guess my question is how do I protect my friends in a dangerous lifestyle?

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Originally posted by Blue

Dear QUARK,

 

How many villains DOES it take to screw in a light bulb? No, really! I have an argument going with the Government's Wargame computer; According to the WOPR, ideally it's 2 (One to trap the hero and one to mind-control him into doing it for you), whereas I think it's no less than 3 (One to develop the machine to shrink the sun, one to give away the plan to the heroes, and one to to remind the others that they have ultra-violet goggles and don't need a light bulb after all). Could you put your computative powers to work and settle this argument?

 

Thanks,

Blue

 

Well, for a start, all the villains are going to have to have some Shrinking to fit in there.

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Originally posted by Mightybec

Dear QUARK,

 

While torturing various superhero sidekicks in my lab, I've discovered that the sound and tone of thier screams depend on where you poke them, and what you poke them with. After much trial and error, I've created an alblum of cover songs, sung by yours truly, and accompanied by the sidekick screams. "Stairway to Heaven" turned out great! Do you think that there is a market out there for my music?

 

Thank you,

Dr. Typhus

 

Yet another example of the sort of demented imagination that

gave us the "Singing Dogs" Christmas album...

 

Space Cadet :eek:

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Originally posted by QUARK

Dear Bookworm,

 

There is no way to tell someone that, so go ahead and do it and don't worry about his "feelings." Better still, consider purchasing a Zombification kit from: http://www.villainsupply.com

 

Bad Probability,

 

Thank you for the excellent suggestion, I have purchased so many wonderful items from villiansupply that I had to make a substantial withdrawl from Fort Knox. It's so much quieter around the base.

 

Hugs,

Bookworm

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Originally posted by Blue

Dear QUARK,

 

How many villains DOES it take to screw in a light bulb? No, really! I have an argument going with the Government's Wargame computer; According to the WOPR, ideally it's 2 (One to trap the hero and one to mind-control him into doing it for you), whereas I think it's no less than 3 (One to develop the machine to shrink the sun, one to give away the plan to the heroes, and one to to remind the others that they have ultra-violet goggles and don't need a light bulb after all). Could you put your computative powers to work and settle this argument?

 

Thanks,

Blue

Dear Blue,

 

Changing light bulbs is beneath a master villain's dignity, that's why we surround ourselves with all these slack-jawed flunkies.

 

Bad Probability,

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Dear Quark,

 

I'm afraid that villainsupply.com has run out of zombification kits and other goodies. It seems that a certain Bookworm has cleaned out the supply.

 

Are there any alternate sources of supply? Or should I Krush Bookworm first before I move against the Vanguard Base?

 

Kosmic Krusher

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Originally posted by Gary

Dear Quark,

 

I'm afraid that villainsupply.com has run out of zombification kits and other goodies. It seems that a certain Bookworm has cleaned out the supply.

 

Are there any alternate sources of supply? Or should I Krush Bookworm first before I move against the Vanguard Base?

 

Kosmic Krusher

 

Feh that's what the heroes want you to do, None can stop me so they set rivals on me, how about I sell you some zombification at 10% above list price, it'll still be cheaper than trying to break down my impenetrable doors, and then thinking you can hit the Vanguard Base afterwards. Krusher dear, I do offer courses on how to avoid falling for Heroic ploys.

 

Bookworm

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