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NGD Scenes from a Hat


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On 2/19/2021 at 1:02 PM, Pariah said:

 

Yersinia pestis. I'm not thrilled with it.

 

New Topic: So Texas has frozen over. What's the next sign of the American Apocalypse?

 

Congress actually makes an honest statement.

 

NT: You get to name the newest planet discovered. What is that name? (Crazier the better)

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1 hour ago, Asperion said:

 

Congress actually makes an honest statement.

 

NT: You get to name the newest planet discovered. What is that name? (Crazier the better)

 

Usually called "The Monolog", it's full name is

ThissongiscalledAlice'sRestaurant,andit'saboutAlice,andtherestaurant,butAlice'sRestaurantisnotthenameoftherestaurant,that'sjustthenameofthesong,andthat'swhyIcalledthesongAlice'sRestaurant.YoucangetanythingyouwantatAlice'sRestaurantYoucangetanythingyouwantatAlice'sRestaurantWalkrightinit'saroundthebackJustahalfamilefromtherailroadtrackYoucangetanythingyouwantatAlice'sRestaurantNowitallstartedtwoThanksgivingsago,wason-twoyearsagoonThanksgiving,whenmyfriendandIwentuptovisitAliceattherestaurant,butAlicedoesn'tliveintherestaurant,shelivesinthechurchnearbytherestaurant,inthebell-tower,withherhusbandRayandFashathedog.Andlivin'inthebelltowerlikethat,theygotalotofroomdownstairswherethepewsusedtobein.Havin'allthatroom,seein'ashowtheytookoutallthepews,theydecidedthattheydidn'thavetotakeouttheirgarbageforalongtime.Wegotupthere,wefoundallthegarbageinthere,andwedecidedit'dbeafriendlygestureforustotakethegarbagedowntothecitydump.Sowetookthehalfatonofgarbage,putitinthebackofaredVWmicrobus,tookshovelsandrakesandimplementsofdestructionandheadedontowardthecitydump.Wellwegotthereandtherewasabigsignandachainacrossacrossthedumpsaying,"ClosedonThanksgiving."AndwehadneverheardofadumpclosedonThanksgivingbefore,andwithtearsinoureyeswedroveoffintothesunsetlookingforanotherplacetoputthegarbage.Wedidn'tfindone.Untilwecametoasideroad,andoffthesideofthesideroadtherewasanotherfifteenfootcliffandatthebottomoftheclifftherewasanotherpileofgarbage.Andwedecidedthatonebigpileisbetterthantwolittlepiles,andratherthanbringthatoneupwedecidedtothrowour'sdown.That'swhatwedid,anddrovebacktothechurch,hadathanksgivingdinnerthatcouldn'tbebeat,wenttosleepanddidn'tgetupuntilthenextmorning,whenwegotaphonecallfromofficerObie.Hesaid,"Kid,wefoundyournameonanenvelopeatthebottomofahalfatonofgarbage,andjustwantedtoknowifyouhadanyinformationaboutit."AndIsaid,"Yes,sir,OfficerObie,Icannottellalie,Iputthatenvelopeunderthatgarbage."AfterspeakingtoObieforaboutfourty-fiveminutesonthetelephonewefinallyarrivedatthetruthofthematterandsaidthatwehadtogodownandpickupthegarbage,andalsohadtogodownandspeaktohimatthepoliceofficer'sstation.SowegotintheredVWmicrobuswiththeshovelsandrakesandimplementsofdestructionandheadedontowardthepoliceofficer'sstation.Nowfriends,therewasonlyoneortwothingsthatObiecouldadoneatthepolicestation,andthefirstwashecouldhavegivenusamedalforbeingsobraveandhonestonthetelephone,whichwasn'tverylikely,andwedidn'texpectit,andtheotherthingwashecouldhavebawledusoutandtoldusnevertobeseedrivinggarbagearoundthevicinityagain,whichiswhatweexpected,butwhenwegottothepoliceofficer'sstationtherewasathirdpossibilitythatwehadn'tevencountedupon,andwewasbothimmediatelyarrested.Handcuffed.AndIsaid"Obie,Idon'tthinkIcanpickupthegarbagewiththesehandcuffson."Hesaid,"Shutup,kid.Getinthebackofthepatrolcar."Andthat'swhatwedid,satinthebackofthepatrolcaranddrovetothequoteSceneoftheCrimeunquote.IwanttellyouaboutthetownofStockbridge,Massachusets,wherethishappenedhere,theygotthreestopsigns,twopoliceofficers,andonepolicecar,butwhenwegottotheSceneoftheCrimetherewasfivepoliceofficersandthreepolicecars,beingthebiggestcrimeofthelastfiftyyears,andeverybodywantedtogetinthenewspaperstoryaboutit.Andtheywasusingupallkindsofcopequipmentthattheyhadhangingaroundthepoliceofficer'sstation.Theywastakingplastertiretracks,footprints,dogsmellingprints,andtheytooktwentyseveneight-by-tencolourglossyphotographswithcirclesandarrowsandaparagraphonthebackofeachoneexplainingwhateachonewastobeusedasevidenceagainstus.Tookpicturesoftheapproach,thegetaway,thenorthwestcornerthesouthwestcornerandthat'snottomentiontheaerialphotography.Aftertheordeal,wewentbacktothejail.Obiesaidhewasgoingtoputusinthecell.Said,"Kid,I'mgoingtoputyouinthecell,Iwantyourwalletandyourbelt."AndIsaid,"Obie,IcanunderstandyouwantingmywalletsoIdon'thaveanymoneytospendinthecell,butwhatdoyouwantmybeltfor?"Andhesaid,"Kid,wedon'twantanyhangings."Isaid,"Obie,didyouthinkIwasgoingtohangmyselfforlittering?"Obiesaidhewasmakingsure,andfriendsObiewas,causehetookoutthetoiletseatsoIcouldn'thitmyselfovertheheadanddrown,andhetookoutthetoiletpapersoIcouldn'tbendthebarsrolloutthe-rollthetoiletpaperoutthewindow,slidedowntherollandhaveanescape.Obiewasmakingsure,anditwasaboutfourorfivehourslaterthatAlice(rememberAlice?It'sasongaboutAlice),AlicecamebyandwithafewnastywordstoObieontheside,bailedusoutofjail,andwewentbacktothechurch,hadaanotherthanksgivingdinnerthatcouldn'tbebeat,anddidn'tgetupuntilthenextmorning,whenweallhadtogotocourt.Wewalkedin,satdown,Obiecameinwiththetwentyseveneight-by-tencolourglossypictureswithcirclesandarrowsandaparagraphonthebackofeachone,satdown.Mancameinsaid,"Allrise."Weallstoodup,andObiestoodupwiththetwentyseveneight-by-tencolourglossypictures,andthejudgewalkedinsatdownwithaseeingeyedog,andhesatdown,wesatdown.Obielookedattheseeingeyedog,andthenatthetwentyseveneight-by-tencolourglossypictureswithcirclesandarrowsandaparagraphonthebackofeachone,andlookedattheseeingeyedog.Andthenattwentyseveneight-by-tencolourglossypictureswithcirclesandarrowsandaparagraphonthebackofeachoneandbegantocry,'causeObiecametotherealizationthatitwasatypicalcaseofAmericanblindjustice,andtherewasn'tnothinghecoulddoaboutit,andthejudgewasn'tgoingtolookatthetwentyseveneight-by-tencolourglossypictureswiththecirclesandarrowsandaparagraphonthebackofeachoneexplainingwhateachonewastobeusedasevidenceagainstus.Andwewasfined$50andhadtopickupthegarbageinthesnow,butthatsnotwhatIcametotellyouabout.Cametotalkaboutthedraft.TheygotabuildingdownNewYorkCity,it'scalledWhitehallStreet,whereyouwalkin,yougetinjected,inspected,detected,infected,neglectedandselected.Iwentdowntogetmyphysicalexaminationoneday,andIwalkedin,Isatdown,gotgoodanddrunkthenightbefore,soIlookedandfeltmybestwhenIwentinthatmorning.'CauseIwantedtolookliketheall-AmericankidfromNewYorkCity,manIwanted,Iwantedtofeelliketheall-,IwantedtobetheallAmericankidfromNewYork,andIwalkedin,satdown,Iwashungdown,brungdown,hungup,andallkindso'meannastyuglythings.AndIwakedinandsatdownandtheygavemeapieceofpaper,said,"Kid,seethephsychiatrist,room604."AndIwentupthere,Isaid,"Shrink,Iwanttokill.Imean,Iwanna,Iwannakill.Kill.Iwanna,Iwannasee,Iwannaseebloodandgoreandgutsandveinsinmyteeth.Eatdeadburntbodies.Imeankill,Kill,KILL,KILL."AndIstartedjumpinupanddownyelling,"KILL,KILL,"andhestartedjumpinupanddownwithmeandwewasbothjumpingupanddownyelling,"KILL,KILL."Andthesargentcameover,pinnedamedalonme,sentmedownthehall,said,"You'reourboy."Didn'tfeeltoogoodaboutit.Proceededondownthehallgettinmoreinjections,inspections,detections,neglectionsandallkindsofstuffthattheywasdoin'tomeatthethingthere,andIwastherefortwohours,threehours,fourhours,IwasthereforalongtimegoingthroughallkindsofmeannastyuglythingsandIwasjusthavingatoughtimethere,andtheywasinspecting,injectingeverysinglepartofme,andtheywasleavingnopartuntouched.Proceededthrough,andwhenIfinallycametotheseethelastman,Iwalkedin,walkedinsatdownafterawholebigthingthere,andIwalkedupandsaid,"Whatdoyouwant?"Hesaid,"Kid,weonlygotonequestion.Haveyoueverbeenarrested?"AndIproceededtotellhimthestoryoftheAlice'sRestaurantMassacre,withfullorchestrationandfivepartharmonyandstufflikethatandallthephenome...-andhestoppedmerightthereandsaid,"Kid,didyouevergotocourt?"AndIproceededtotellhimthestoryofthetwentyseveneight-by-tencolourglossypictureswiththecirclesandarrowsandtheparagraphonthebackofeachone,andhestoppedmerightthereandsaid,"Kid,IwantyoutogoandsitdownonthatbenchthatsaysGroupW...NOWkid!!"AndI,Iwalkedovertothe,tothebenchthere,andthereis,GroupW'swheretheyputyouifyoumaynotbemoralenoughtojointhearmyaftercommittingyourspecialcrime,andtherewasallkindsofmeannastyuglylookingpeopleonthebenchthere.Motherrapers.Fatherstabbers.Fatherrapers!Fatherraperssittingrightthereonthebenchnexttome!Andtheywasmeanandnastyanduglyandhorriblecrime-typeguyssittingonthebenchnexttome.Andthemeanest,ugliest,nastiestone,themeanestfatherraperofthemall,wascomingovertomeandhewasmean'n'ugly'n'nasty'n'horribleandallkindofthingsandhesatdownnexttomeandsaid,"Kid,whad'yaget?"Isaid,"Ididn'tgetnothing,Ihadtopay$50andpickupthegarbage."Hesaid,"Whatwereyouarrestedfor,kid?"AndIsaid,"Littering."Andtheyallmovedawayfrommeonthebenchthere,andthehairyeyeballandallkindsofmeannastythings,tillIsaid,"Andcreatinganuisance."Andtheyallcameback,shookmyhand,andwehadagreattimeonthebench,talkinaboutcrime,motherstabbing,fatherraping,allkindsofgroovythingsthatwewastalkingaboutonthebench.Andeverythingwasfine,wewassmokingcigarettesandallkindsofthings,untiltheSargeantcameover,hadsomepaperinhishand,helditupandsaid."Kids,this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say",andtalkedforforty-fiveminutesandnobodyunderstoodawordthathesaid,butwehadfunfillingouttheformsandplayingwiththepencilsonthebenchthere,andIfilledoutthemassacrewiththefourpartharmony,andwroteitdownthere,justlikeitwas,andeverythingwasfineandIputdownthepencil,andIturnedoverthepieceofpaper,andthere,thereontheotherside,inthemiddleoftheotherside,awayfromeverythingelseontheotherside,inparentheses,capitalletters,quotated,readthefollowingwords:("KID,HAVEYOUREHABILITATEDYOURSELF?")Iwentovertothesargent,said,"Sargeant,yougotalotadamngalltoaskmeifI'verehabilitatedmyself,Imean,Imean,Imeanthatjust,I'msittin'hereonthebench,ImeanI'msittinhereontheGroupWbench'causeyouwanttoknowifI'mmoralenoughjointhearmy,burnwomen,kids,housesandvillagesafterbein'alitterbug."Helookedatmeandsaid,"Kid,wedon'tlikeyourkind,andwe'regonnasendyoufingerprintsofftoWashington."Andfriends,somewhereinWashingtonenshrinedinsomelittlefolder,isastudyinblackandwhiteofmyfingerprints.AndtheonlyreasonI'msingingyouthissongnowiscauseyoumayknowsomebodyinasimilarsituation,oryoumaybeinasimilarsituation,andifyourinasituationlikethatthere'sonlyonethingyoucandoandthat'swalkintotheshrinkwhereveryouare,justwalkinsay"Shrink,Youcangetanythingyouwant,atAlice'srestaurant.".Andwalkout.Youknow,ifoneperson,justonepersondoesittheymaythinkhe'sreallysickandtheywon'ttakehim.Andiftwopeople,twopeopledoit,inharmony,theymaythinkthey'rebothfaggotsandtheywon'ttakeeitherofthem.Andthreepeopledoit,three,canyouimagine,threepeoplewalkinginsinginabarofAlice'sRestaurantandwalkingout.Theymaythinkit'sanorganization.Andcanyou,canyouimaginefiftypeopleaday,IsaidfiftypeopleadaywalkinginsinginabarofAlice'sRestaurantandwalkingout.Andfriendstheymaythinksit'samovement.Andthat'swhatitis,theAlice'sRestaurantAnti-MassacreMovement,andallyougottodotojoinissingitthenexttimeitcome'saroundontheguitar.Withfeeling.Sowe'llwaitforittocomearoundontheguitar,hereandsingitwhenitdoes.Hereitcomes.Youcangetanythingyouwant,atAlice'sRestaurantYoucangetanythingyouwant,atAlice'sRestaurantWalkrightinit'saroundthebackJustahalfamilefromtherailroadtrackYoucangetanythingyouwant,atAlice'sRestaurantThatwashorrible.Ifyouwanttoendwarandstuffyougottosingloud.I'vebeensingingthissongnowfortwentyfiveminutes.Icouldsingitforanothertwentyfiveminutes.I'mnotproud...ortired.Sowe'llwaittillitcomesaroundagain,andthistimewithfourpartharmonyandfeeling.We'rejustwaitin'forittocomearoundiswhatwe'redoing.Allrightnow."

 

NT: Things at the menu at Alice's Restaurant

 

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On 2/24/2021 at 4:38 PM, Pariah said:

New Topic: It's been almost two weeks, and stories are starting to come out. What did your favorite superhero/villain get caught doing over Valentine's Day weekend?

A Junior High School girl waits for Billy Batson to meet her at the multiplex for a data and Captain Marvel Shazam shows up.

 

NT: Subtle signs your military has been buying their equipment from Foxbat Enterprises (Providers of Fine Comedic Weaponry since Last Tuesday!).

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