Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

[BoloOfEarth]

Continuing the Metal Mayhem adventure

 

The players are still not sure what caused all the death and destruction, but they make a guess.

 

Shadowboxer:  Maybe that Junior Mechanon robot they built goes berserk.

 

Maker tries using her focused EMP on the Adamant robot which the Heavy Metals built. 

 

Shadowboxer:  And maybe that's what makes it go berserk...

(Luckily for them, that wasn't the case.  Unluckily for them, her attack did absolutely nothing.)

 

As background, I've started giving 5 Quirks (as in GURPS) in place of 5 points worth of a character's Complications, to help flesh them out.  For instance, Red (the human rooster hybrid) has Quirks like "No Sense of Humor.  None at all." and "Vegetarian, the Obnoxious Kind." 

 

Osmium:  (running up to Shadowboxer) And it looks like Oz is going to do the suplex on Shadowboxer!
Nexus:  Is he really saying that?

GM:  Yep.  He has a Quirk:  Provides Color Commentary During a Fight

Shadowboxer:  I have Clinging, by the way.

Osmium:  And the hero keeps on his feet!  Listen to that crowd!

 

Brass Monkey takes on Honey Badger, and gets punched in return.  However, Brass Monkey rolls with it, reducing the damage greatly.

 

Brass Monkey:  You call that a f***ing hit?  You should change your name to P***y Badger.

Honey Badger:  We could throw poo...

Brass Monkey:  Oh, I can do poo...

(It's a wonder to me that nobody commented on his initials:  BM, aka bowel movement)

 

Merc can't seem to make an EGO Roll to stop running, and one of the TURTLE agents grabs him to stop him from leaving the building.

 

Maker:  Why is he stopping him from leaving?

Malarky:  Maybe he doesn't like the bad guys getting away either.

(Nobody noticed that an "agent" was able to grab a high-DCV speedster.)

 

Kid Bronze finally makes a PER roll with his specialized Detect.

 

Kid Bronze: (looking at Circe and Malarky)  My word!  A petragenic field, and... yes, a fortunic field as well!  Amazing!  (looks straight at Maker, who is currently invisible to sight)  Which means you probably have this too.  Let's see if we can disrupt it... (hits her with a Dispel, taking away her Stone Skin additional defenses)

 

Suddenly, the PRIMUS squad (outside the front of the building) begins screaming over the radio, then goes silent and doesn't respond to calls from the heroes.  Shortly afterward, Silver Avenger Flannagan's shaky voice comes over the radio just as a large hole is blasted in the front of the building.

SA Flannagan:  Evac... Get out of there...

Malarky:  Why?  What is it?  Spit it out!

SA Flannagan:  Mech... a... non...

Various players:  (cursing)

Circe:  What's so bad about Mechanon?

Malarky:  It's the kind of thing that takes on whole hero teams.
Circe:  So?  We're a hero team.

Shadowboxer:  Mechanon can take on experienced teams.

Malarky:  Compared to them, we're junior varsity.

GM:  (to Shadowboxer)  Even villains have Hunteds...

 

For once in their lives, the heroes actually follow PRIMUS's orders and begin gathering to mass-teleport out.

 

Pops:  We need to delay him.  (teleports Kid Bronze into the room where Mechanon is coming in)  That ought to buy us some time.

Maker:  He's probably the one Mechanon is after.  He built the Heavy Metals' robot.

GM:  Mechanon has three primary targets:  Kid Bronze, an organic who dared to create mechanized life.  Rhodium, who enslaved it.  And Maker, for crimes against mechanized life.

Maker:  Me?!?!  What did I do?

GM:  Oh, I don't know.  Maybe stealing every VIPER robot you can find, and enslaving them to do your bidding.

Maker:  I'd like to contest his definition of "mechanized life."

GM:  By the way, that was Maker's body in the vision.  After Kid Bronze took away her additional defenses.  "All!  His!  Fault!"

 

Osmium:  (runs up to Pops)
Pops:  Oh, hell no!  We don't have time for this!

Osmium:  Take me with you.

Pops:  You're too heavy.

Osmium:  (turns off density increase)  Not any more. 

Pops:  (smiles wickedly)  (OOC) He has no idea where I'm going.  (meaning the PRIMUS base)

GM:  (shrugs)  "Arrested" is better than "Dead".

 

Shadowboxer gets the security chief and a TURTLE agent out the back of the building, and Rhodium flies off with Arson Nick, while Honey Badger brings Brass Monkey's unconscious body along to Pops.  Malarky teleports to the front of the building to see if he can heal any of the PRIMUS agents.  That leaves just two TURTLE agent guards inside when the rest of the hero team teleports away with the UNTIL agents and two villains, with Shadowboxer heading inside to see if he can save the two guards.

 

When he arrives, he sees one of the TURTLE agents wounded and unconscious, while the other shape shifts to become... Titanium. 

 

Titanium:  Finally, you're here.  My liege.  (kneels before Mechanon)

Mechanon:  I was under the impression that you were an altered organic.

Titanium:  Scan me, my liege.  I'm as metallic as you.  The Heavy Metals created me, and forced me to work for them.

Maker:  (OOC)  What?!  I thought he was an altered human, too.

GM:  He is.  He's acting.  (rolls well against Titanium's acting skill)  It's called "saving his ass."

 

While Mechanon was distracted, Shadowboxer saves the last TURTLE agent.  So other than Mecahnon trashing the DynaTech factory in a fit of pique before he flew off, it's a relative success.

 

Post-game wrapup:

 

GM:  I have to say, I'm kinda surprised you bolted.

Pops:  No way we'd have been able to take down Mechanon. Honey Badger had taken some pretty big hits, and Shadowboxer only had 5 STUN left.

Malarky:  And they're our heavy hitters.

GM:  There were ways.  For instance, you could have convinced the Heavy Metals to team up with you against Mechanon.  Rhodium has pretty good healing, and they have some heavy hitters.  (thinking to self:  Until the inevitable betrayal...)

[Christopher]

GM:  Where are you taking them?

Pops:  To the PRIMUS base, where else?

Malarky:  He does that so often, they have a space set aside for him.  "Pops' Spot."

it is always good to have a place to pop in. Pop's pop-in place?

[bigdamnhero]

From last night's quasi-historical FH game

 

Fun with historical names at the Court of Vladimir I, Grand Prince of Kiev and Lord of the Rus:

GM: "The Prince's favorites among his sons are Boris and Gleb, which are actual names that the GM is not making up."

Player: "We would never accuse you of making up a name like Gleb."

A bit later...

GM: You are introduced to Vladimir's daughters, Predslava, Premislava and Mstislava, which the GM is also totally not making up.

Player: "Still better than Gleb."

Later still...

GM: "...and news from far-off Ireland, where Brian Bóruma mac Cennétig has gained the upper hand in his war against Mael Sechnaill..."

Players: "Whose names you are not making up; we get it."

 

A Barbarian at Court...

Thyri: "I'm bored with all the talking. Can I drift over to the side and find a wall to lean against?"

GM: "Sure. The King's son [who they had met last night] drifts over to flirt with you some more."

Thyri: "I tell him "If you touch me I will fucking cuckold you right here.""

GM: [contemplates the massive derail that's about to ensue] "...Are you sure you want to say that to the Prince in the middle of his father's Court?"

Thyri: [considers] "I say it with my eyes."

GM: "OK, that works, he still gets the message and no one gets executed."

 

The Priest took a new Detect Evil ability that is Smell-based.

Father Edmondo: "The Scent Of Evil is all over this place. [beat] No, I'm not being metaphorical!"

 

And it's always funny when the players forget their own backstory...

Princess Anna: [to Edmondo] "Julian! Is that you? It's been 15 years, but I'd recognize you anywhere!"

Edmondo: [blank stare]

Geralt: [helpfully] "Go with it?"

Edmondo: [obviously drawing a blank] "Um...Hi?"

GM: [passes over the laptop] "I refer you to the first paragraph of the character background you submitted..."

Edmondo: [reads for a second] "Oh! Right! Yes, it is me! Julian!...But, uh, I go by Edmondo nowadays...It's a priest thing?"

[bigdamnhero]

I remembered one other. Me describing a new NPC:

 

GM: "He's obviously someone you don't want to fuck with. [beat] Well, you guys might want to. Normal people don't."

[Lucius]

From last night's quasi-historical FH game

 

Fun with historical names at the Court of Vladimir I, Grand Prince of Kiev and Lord of the Rus:

Vladimir the Great? My favorite saint??

 

 

[A Barbarian at Court...

Thyri: "I'm bored with all the talking. Can I drift over to the side and find a wall to lean against?"

GM: "Sure. The King's son [who they had met last night] drifts over to flirt with you some more."

Thyri: "I tell him "If you touch me I will fucking cuckold you right here.""

?? The prince's wife was present and Thyri was threatening to ravish her on the spot??

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary thinks that sounds cuckoo

[bigdamnhero]

Vladimir the Great? My favorite saint??

That's the guy. Tho he comes across slightly less saintly in person. This is after Vladimir has converted to Christianity, gotten rid of his multiple wives and ~500 concubines and all that. But the PCs have made friends with one of those ex-wives Rogneda, who has plenty of good reasons to hate Vladimir; plus one of Vladimir's sons Sviatopolk, whose mother was treated in much the same way. But Vladimir was a seriously vile dude before he converted to Christianity,* and one of the questions they're wrestling with is how much his later good deeds makes up for those earlier sins. It's an interesting dilemma, tho perhaps a bit meta because the players are seeing it differently than their 11th Century characters probably would.

 

* One contemporary chronicler called him "fornicator immensus et crudelis."

 

?? The prince's wife was present and Thyri was threatening to ravish her on the spot??

IKR? I'm pretty sure she actually meant "castrate." But it was one of those "Forget it, she's on a roll" moments. Besides, her character only has 1 point in Russian, so it worked in character either way. (It was also the player's birthday and she'd had a couplefew drinks before coming over; her PC is this over-the-top barbarian anyway, so it didn't exactly impede her getting into character, but...)

[bigdamnhero]

Star Wars game, arriving at Ryloth, where unbeknownst to us our previous exploits have made us minor celebrities.

System Control: "Welcome to Ryloth! Good to have you back! Please land on Platform 3, where an honor guard is waiting to meet you. The Governor is looking forward to meeting with you later!"
Artie: [cuts the circuit] "Get us out of here! No one's EVER this happy to see us! It MUST be a trap!!" [turns to the astrogator] "Jump! Jump now! Don't care where!"
Astrogator: "The last time we jumped blind we wound up stranded thousands of light years beyond the rim..."
Artie: "Yes, sounds lovely, let's go there!"

[womble]

Background: WW2 supers (Allies), planning an infiltration of a castle where the Nazi supers are. The castle happens to be adjacent to a training camp for Wehrmacht mountain troops and is accessible only by cable car, and the Ubmenschen are all members of the SS.

 

Jimmy (preternaturally coordinated assassin from London's seamier side): "So the fellers at the cable car station in the valley are SS, not Gewurstjagers*, right?"

 

 * [For those with no German] "Gebirgsjager" are the mountain troops. "Gewurstjager" probably means "sausage hunters"...

[Christopher]

 * [For those with no German] "Gebirgsjager" are the mountain troops. "Gewurstjager" probably means "sausage hunters"...

Yes. Yes it does mean that.

[L. Marcus]

One does not hunt sausages. One lies in wait.

[Lucius]

 

Any way you slice it, yesterday was a day to celebrate sausage.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary notes that it was ground hog day

[Lucius]

That's the guy. Tho he comes across slightly less saintly in person. This is after Vladimir has converted to Christianity, gotten rid of his multiple wives and ~500 concubines and all that. But the PCs have made friends with one of those ex-wives Rogneda, who has plenty of good reasons to hate Vladimir; plus one of Vladimir's sons Sviatopolk, whose mother was treated in much the same way. But Vladimir was a seriously vile dude before he converted to Christianity,* and one of the questions they're wrestling with is how much his later good deeds makes up for those earlier sins. It's an interesting dilemma, tho perhaps a bit meta because the players are seeing it differently than their 11th Century characters probably would.

 

* One contemporary chronicler called him "fornicator immensus et crudelis."

Yeah, who did he think he was, Solomon?

 

Actually, being a fornicator immensus et crudelis is what makes him my favorite saint.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

Patron Saint of Palindromedaries

[bigdamnhero]

I've got nothing against a dude getting lots of sex. It's the "rape my brother's wife/fiance in front of her parents then make her watch while I kill her parents and then force her to marry me" episodes - note the plural - that I kinda have a problem with. And granted, after his conversion he was by all accounts a model Christian. Whether or not that washes away his extensive list of previous sins is perhaps a question best discussed elsewhere. But I don't think it's unreasonable that said ex-wives might hold a grudge.

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder - Magnimar - Cartchase Scene
The PCs and a gang of Sczarni cartjackers have just become aware of the full squad of Magnimar's guardsmen bearing down on us. We have a cartload of stuff and an unconscious horse to get away.

Harshal OoC: So do we do the Keystone Kops, and hang onto each other's ankles and the rear of the cart?
GM: No. But knowing this group I should have Yakity Sax cued.

Gillert: Wait - neither group brought anybody who could actually drive the cart?
Harshal: .... um.
Gillert: I hope we kept the driver alive?
Harshal: Zin shot him in the head.
Ys: And I cut his throat.
Harshal: So no.

Ys OoC: Should we go into Initiative order now?
GM: I've been letting you guys...
Harshal OoC: Panic?
GM: Yes. But the guards aren't quite here yet.

Harshal boots the horse awake and jumps into the driving seat.

Ys OoC: We've still got an appropriate soundtrack - Red Hot Chilli Peppers 'Under the Bridge'
Gillert OoC: I still think Yakity Sax is a better fit.

We drive into the maze of alleyways, dropping caltrops and marbles.

GM: This is especially painful for the guardsman who slips on the marbles, and lands on the caltrops. And then gets used as a bridge by the other guards.

Of course the next alley is blocked by workers and a stack of crates and barrels.

Gillert: Move that stuff or we'll move your bodies!
Harshal: And slice you up and use you as shoelaces!

We turn back on the main road, to get more speed, and now have to deal wit a panicking crowd.

Gillert: If I wasn't a moral person I'd just Colour Spray them and drive over them. But I am a moral person.
Harshal: For now.

Harshal: OFF THE STREETS! THERE'S A DRAGON COMING!
GM: .... Well, you're going to have fun with that. And there's alway someone who will stop and ask 'which one?'

At least the crowd is all panicking in one direction now.

Harshal: What I should have said is 'The giant spiders are back!'
GM: Yeah - then they'd all be running towards the sea.

Zin and the Sczarni are sniping and throwing tanglefoot bags off the cart. Unfortunately, the crowd ahead is diverting around a figure standing in the middle of the road, sword in one hand, palm raised in the other.

GM: It's a guard captain.
Tannis: Kill him - it suits our purposes.
Ys: Yes.
Zin: I'll shoot him!
Harshal: I guess we're playing chicken then. Faster! Faster!

It's Ys's dagger that gets him in the leg.

Zin: He used to be a guard captain, but then he took a dagger to the knee.
Tannis: It wasn't funny the first time.

The Captain rolls out of the way of cart, straightens up, and shoots one of the Sczarni riding on the cart.

Tannis: Everything is going according to plan.

Tannis checks the wounded thug, hoping to a chance to leave him behind for the guards.

Tannis: He's too far gone.
Ys: Lose the extra weight!
Tannis OoC: Thankyou.

The Sczarni sniper boots him off the cart.

Tannis: We will avenge him! In due time.
Sczarni: F**k that, he owes me 60 silver.

By now we're way off course, and see some of our dockworkers have a shouting match with some stevedores. For some reason, Ys thinks that lassoing one of the stevedores and dragging him behind the cart will be a good idea.

Harshal: Why have we slowed down?
Ys: Don't worry about it.
GM: There was a jerk on the wagon. Thanks to the jerk on the wagon.

Ys cuts him loose as we round the corner into the final stretch.

GM: Should I, should I...
Harshal: Yes you should.
Gillert: 'please sir, another thump on the head'

There's another guardsman ahead, buying a handmeal and wondering why everybody is running. It's Colon.

Harshal to Ys: Jump off the cart and save his life.
GM: *cracks up* You just asked Ys. To save the life. Of a guardsman
Ys: No!

Tannis leaps off instead, dropping his disguise and pulling the oblivious guardsman aside as the cart races past.

Tannis: Colon, my friend! Come have a drink!
Colon: Oh, hello Mr Oberech *whoosh of the cart going past* I wonder where they're going in such a hurry.

Final obstacle - a bunch of Shoanti in the middle of the road, having an altercation with Varisians. This is problem for Harshal, since he's a Shoanti who portrays himself as a Varisian, there's racial tension between the locals and the Shoanti clans, and the last three Shoanti representatives that came to Magnimar got killed under highly suspicious circumstances.

Gillert: If you run over both of them-
Harshal: Yes, it's fair, but!

Harshal steers the cart through the Shoanti entourage, taking out the corner of a building as they scatter. And then gets slightly lost finding the empty warehouse we were aiming for, since Tannis jumped earlier.

GM: But at least you lost the guards.

Zin: And then, back from the road where you yelled 'There's a dragon coming!' A bunch of kobolds doing a dragon dance emerge.
Bystander: Really? Ok, I guess?!

Dividing the loot.

Sczarni Sniper: To tell you the truth, we only really need one of each. Bit more to cover costs. The bosses want to know what the Nightscales are up to.
Gillert: ... I think I'm hearing an echo.
Ys: *starts to cackle hysterically*
Tannis: Don't mind her, she does that.

We let the Sczarni hole up in the warehouse, until the guardsmen calm down, and they can take their selection off in a handcart. We'll 'recover' the excess to return to the original buyers.

Tannis: What a pity it would be if the Guard caught them as they were passing through Underbridge.
GM: You bastard. But if they get caught, what's to stop them singing about you?
Tannis: I was planning on burning this location anyway.
Harshal: I rather not let the guards know there were two groups involved.
GM: The witnesses will confirm that it was a precision operation

The reagents are indeed volatile, and inflammable. Some bubble alarmingly when Ys experiments. The alchemsteel and asbestos tubes, and valves, are puzzling too.

GM: This is some kind of thrower of flame.
Zin: It's a Dragon's Breath weapon!

We haven't got all the pieces - but the possibility that a cult leader with a thing for fiery destruction DOES is a little worrying. Time to invest in asbestos underpants...

[Drhoz]

Champions - Return to Edge City - Superheroes vs Hyperhobos

Hero Shrew: Basically, I'm lurking in the bushes while you two break into a LoCarb business premises, and I'll be pulling up a tree to use as a battering ram when you scream for help.
Flux: And Fireflash isn't here because she needs to be at home studying.
GM: She can fly here in minutes - it's not that far from Monterey to San Fran.
Fireflash: Probably closer to an hour. Longer if I stop for breaks.
GM: You really need to get her here - you're going to be here a while.
Hero Shrew: I can do that - I'll ring her and tell her what you two are doing, and she'll come here and stop you.

GM: You don't find any pentacles, but you do find this symbol all over the place.
Hero Shrew OoC: Ah, a Celtic knotwork Yggdrasil
Hardlight: OMG, they're not white collar witches, they're white collar druids.

Of course, the players know enough mythology and folklore to have a long list of things to be avoided, such as wrestling contests and being shoved into cauldrons.

Hero Shrew OoC: Check the canteen for holy grails before you leave.
GM: What?
Hero Shrew OoC: Cauldron of Plenty.
GM: But none of you know that because you all failed to ID the symbol.
Hero Shrew: Yeah, we're just not very good.
Hardlight: Wasn't there a stone circle around here?

We head back to the hotel, arguing about lost languages like Celtic Runes, the Rongo-rongo tablets, and so on

GM: Funny thing is, that tablet you're after is in a lost language.

At least Hardlight remembers to get Hero Shrew to sniff around the stone circle - literally. But it's Flux who smells the unpleasant odor first.

Hero Shrew: The Worst Toilet in Scotland?
GM: Not quite that bad.

And Hardlight's scan of the stones produces some odd results. They're dolerite, for one thing. The fuzzy five pointed shadow on the scan under the trilithons is probably bad news too.

GM: There's a strong ammonia / fecal smell.
Hero Shrew: Hobo nest?
GM: Miiiiight be? Alright, here's a clue - what do Nicholas Cage and Christopher Lee have in common?
Hero Shrew: .... they've both played Dracula?
GM: OK, how about Edward Woodward, Britt Eckland, Ingrid Pitt, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beehan
Fireflash: Oh dear.

GM: Despite your invisibility, the figure wrapped in wicker can see you.
The Wicker Man: YOU WILL FREE ME.
GM: You all heard that, incidentally.
Hero Shrew: Um.

Hardlight: Um... I cast Expeditious Retreat.
The Wicker Man: *bursts into flame and comes after Hardlight*
GM: Funny enough the fire isn't that hot - yet. The rest of you see fire and hear a yell for help.
Hero Shrew: We'll need to beat that fire out *pulls up a tree*
Flux: We're not there yet.
Hero Shrew: Hey, I remember the plan - you call for help, I pull up a tree and come help.
Flux: *sigh*

The tree proves oddly difficult to dislodge, which will probably prove important later.

GM: You find Hardlight wrapped in wicker which is on fire.
Hero Shrew: *grins evilly and heft his oak* We need to beat that out.

Hero Shrew: *on phone to Fireflash's message bank* Hey Fireflash -
Flux: You're on the phone mid-combat?
GM: Soliloquies are single-action.
Hero Shrew: - you know how you said to ring you if we did anything stupid? Well, Hardlight's on fire in some kind of cane basket-

Hero Shrew OoC: So, do you object to me hitting you with an oak tree?
Hardlight: No.
Hero Shrew: !
Hardlight: This once.

Hero Shrew: I wouldn't want to be the gardener around here.
Hardlight: Maybe it is the gardener.
Hero Shrew: Nah - a gardener in Southern California would be Mexican.

The Wicker Man rebuilds his armour and continues an apparent attempt to transform Hardlight into another Wicker Man. And then four more lumber out of the undergrowth. Flux blasts the first Wicker Man off his feet, and Hero Shrew winds up for a haymaker on it.

GM: This will be fun. You'd smelled Scooter when he was wet before, but what do you think of the smell of burnt fur?

Hero Shrew: Fireflash is going to have so many missed calls on her message bank. 'What was the number for PRIMUS again?'
Flux: 'You might want to bring some weedkiller'

Hardlight generates a hardlight chainsaw to get out of his entanglement.

Hero Shrew: 'By the Hoary Hosts of Husqvarna!'
Hardlight: New plan! RUN!
Wicker Men: FREEEEDDDDOOOOOMMMM

Flux and Scooter gets grabbed by the other moaning wicker creatures. Scooter keeps whaling on the first one despite the flames that keep erupting from it. Flux finally gets through to Fireflash.

Fireflash: Hello?
Flux: Do you have a memo pad?!
Fireflash: Why do-
Flux: This is the last will and testament of-
Wicker Men: FREEEEEEDDDOOOOMMMM
Fireflash: What???
Flux: I'm being eaten by a wicker man!
Fireflash: What???????
Hardlight: ARE YOU ON THE PHONE????
Fireflash: What are you even doing up there???
Flux: We needed to find the guys so the other guy will give us the thing-
Fireflash: That is terrifyingly nonspecific!
Flux: THE WICKER MEN MIGHT BE LISTENING
Wicker Men: FREEEEEDDDDOOOMMMMM
Hardlight: THE POWER OF JOHN DEERE COMPELS YOU
Flux: That's Husqvarna!
Fireflash: Stop telling him he's wrong when he's getting it right!
Flux: Do you want me to put you on speakerphone?

Flux figures out that these things are actually thorn golems, and that they're draining us for their own power. Not that this does him any good, since all his incantations require freedom of movement.

Hero Shrew: What Hardlight needs to do is conjure up a hardlight combine harvester.
Hardlight: True.

Hardlight cuts Flux free, but the shrew is rapidly losing vitality. Happily, the other two get him free.

Hardlight: Run away! Run away!
Flux: Escap-ay!
Hero Shrew: Will should probably tell somebody about this.
Hardlight: Oh, you think?

Hero Shrew: We need to get a fire truck up here and run a hose out.
GM: Have any of you bought a positive public image yet?
Flux: No. And Scooter has a negative one.
GM: Yes - you have a reputation for causing property damage.
Hero Shrew: Yes, but this time I'm getting the fire trucks in beforehand.

Happily, with some forward planning and using Hardlight as bait, we manage to take the thorn golems down and rescue the unfortunate homeless people they were using as hosts. They don't remember a thing apart from the initial wicker attack.

Hardlight: I'll get them in contact with the San Francisco branch of Homes for the Homeless and make a generous donation.
GM: Ah yes, the Century Industries branch.
Hardlight: F**k.
GM: Well, Centurion IS one of those CEOs with more money than he knows what to do with.

Hardlight also discovers that the central stone of the circle was once covered in blood, but it was repeatedly scrubbed with ammonia and other cleaning products. This is presumably A Clue.
 

[Lucius]

I've got nothing against a dude getting lots of sex. It's the "rape my brother's wife/fiance in front of her parents then make her watch while I kill her parents and then force her to marry me" episodes - note the plural - that I kinda have a problem with. And granted, after his conversion he was by all accounts a model Christian. Whether or not that washes away his extensive list of previous sins is perhaps a question best discussed elsewhere. But I don't think it's unreasonable that said ex-wives might hold a grudge.

Surprising if they didn't.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

And a model palindromedary

[CaptainCoulson]

The Chicago Supernatural Government Response team are trying to capture to capture a demonic lizard without killing. Cue loading up with tranq dart pistols and those long poles with the loop at the end. They fill the van with a metal wire cage. They all head out together to the pick up site. Cue six-story tall horned lizard bursting out of aircraft hangar. 

 

Doctor Vance, team leader: Reports of our target *should* have been exaggerated!

[Drhoz]

Champions - Return to Edge City : I Left My Plot Token In San Francisco
The situation - the superteam Quadrant are neglecting their duties back in Edge City, because we're up the coast in San Francisco, hunting down a group of magicians. Why, we're not entirely clear on, anymore.

GM: You've made assumptions so many times that I've lost track of what actually true. And you're stated stuff as definitive fact - including in your quotes, by the way-
Hero Shrew and Hardlight's players: Sorry

The GM eventually reminds us - There's an undead sheriff threatening trouble in Edge City. The local bokor told us that we could get the help we needed in San Francisco, where a Mysterious Old One-eyed Oriental Gentleman in a Magical Shop said he could point us towards the Tablet of Kedjameth, but not before we dealt with another group of magic users that were causing unspecified problems in SF. THAT barely passed as a hint, but we did find an environmentally-minded real estate development group that apparently thought putting sacrificial altars, stone circles, and body-stealing plant monsters in the grounds was a good idea. Now that we've found them (and survived the Thorn Golems) what do we do with them? Or charge them with?

Hero Shrew: I could always loom intimidatingly. Up to their waists.
GM: You're not that short.
Hero Shrew: True, but my posture is bad.

Hero Shrew: Turning somebody into a thorn golem probably counts as deprivation of liberty.

Of course, we should also find out if it's connected to that extradimensional Gate the revenant gunslinger wants to open.

Flux: OK, somebody invoked Geb to open a gate to somewhere-
GM: Guédé- Geb is the ancient Egyptian god of the Earth. The Theosophists call him the King of the Gnomes.
Flux: OK, we don't want to accidentally invoke Geb when we're messing up a stone circle.
GM: Especially with the Western Gate RIGHT THERE *points to the Bay*

Flux: - and then we'll get the codex we need to translate the Tablet of Kedjameth.
Hero Shrew: I thought it was the Tablet of Kwijibo.
Flux: - you bastard.

Fireflash: Why don't we just go see the LoCarb CEO?
Rest of Players: *silence*
Hero Shrew: That... never occurred to us.
GM: Fireflash is becoming the default leader of the party.
Hero Shrew OoC: Believe me, we've noticed.

Hardlight: So these guys are making low-impact developments -
Hero Shrew: All environmental. Hence, druids, or whatever these guys are. Plus a bit of magic always helps with the stock prices. You should get Flux to do that for you.
Flux: No.
Hero Shrew: You manipulate data don't you?
Flux: Yes, but even assuming I survive the attempt - the stock market is run by an AI these days, isn't it?

Fireflash: Flux, can you make a device that will detect mystic objects?
Flux: Yes, but I'd need to go back to my lab-
Fireflash: *yoink* *flies him back*

Hardlight goes in to poke around the LoCarb development, in his civilian ID, posing as a potential buyer, with Hero Shrew as his bodyguard.

LoCarb Rep: I'm not sure you'd be a good fit for the community, Mr Lowell. We're really after the right KIND of people. But we always welcome visitors, especially if they're willing to take responsibility for their impact on the environment.
Hero Shrew: Hey, we're all about responsibility.
GM: You pulled up an oak.
Hero Shrew: You can't prove anything. *whispered aside* They can't get fingerprints off bark, can they?

Flux: Well, at least we've confirmed they're using magic. All over the place.
GM: Yep. There's somebody over there with an Amulet of +5 Presence, for a start.

Flux's analysis reveals an blanket enchantment on the development.

GM: GROW. BE HEALTHY. BE FRUITFUL.
Fireflash: Magical subliminal advertising?
Hero Shrew: A Positive Affirmation field.
GM: Yeah - although the Be Fruitful thing is calling problems. Everybody there is nailing it. Every day.
Hero Shrew: Mass chafing problem.

It seems to be tied to the stone circle. No doubt disrupting the circle will attract attention.

Hero Shrew: We'll probably find out what they're sacrificing to charge up the altar too.

Flux: I deal with large energy fields - is anything bad likely to happen if we disrupt the stones?
GM: Maaaaaaaaybe?
Hardlight: Not a problem. Hey, Scooter!
Hero Shrew: *bounces over oblivious of the imminent doom* Yeah?

Hero Shrew and Hardlight get ready to dismantle one of the trilithons.

Hero Shrew: So, how many cameras are watching us.
Flux: None. I can make us invisible to cameras.
Hero Shrew: But are any cameras watching the gardens?
GM: No. Wireless cameras can be tapped. And if they're up to anything hinky at the altar....

Then we put the trilithon back together, and wait to see how long it will take the coven to notice we've ended their enchantment. We wait. And wait. And wait. Eventually the sun starts coming up.

Hardlight: Alright, I'm going for food.
GM: I assume you realise you'll need to work in shifts.

Nothing happens the next night either. Hero Shrew eventually suggests we just set-up a webcam of our own, and stake out the site from somewhere more comfortable.

Fireflash: The No-tell Motel. Hopefully nobody will notice that I keep flying there.
GM: 'CEO of Lowell Tech seen spending time at seedy motel with prominent local underage superheroine'

It's a couple more days before somebody comes out to check the stones, do something strange with their hands, and leave again.

Hero Shrew: They MUST have heard about the thorn golems and hobos by now.
GM: Why?
Hero Shrew: Hmm. We didn't actually tell anybody about it, did we?
GM: Nope. And the hobos aren't telling anybody. They don't want anybody to think they're crazy. And they probably think your donation to Homes for the Homeless was a bribe.

GM: Your webcam resolution isn't good enough to see exactly what he's doing, but it's one of the higher-ups at LoCarb.
Hero Shrew: At least we don't have a squirrel peering down the lens.
GM: It's worse when they wave. Some Moreaus are close to the size of the original animals.

The guy comes back with two more of the higher-ups, and they do more of the weird cat's-cradle stuff with their hands. Flux checks, but the enchantment hasn't been restored. A few nights later the entire coven shows up to sacrifice chickens over the altar. And then they start disrobing.

Fireflash: Are we getting all this on film?
GM: She really shouldn't be watching this - it technically counts as corrupting a minor.... I'm glad that nobody lives next door at the moment.
Flux's: 'So, why did Tony get arrested?'

The ritual seems to have been cobbled together from all over the place - old-school blood-magic with lots of window dressing. It'll also kill their stock prices when we sell the tape to cable news, or put it up on YouTube. And then we see them putting rats into wicker figures.

Hero Shrew: .... what.
Hardlight: We've got them on animal cruelty now.
Hero Shrew: No, that's not - they don't even - oh my f**k. They probably don't even know that the thorn golems traded up to hobos.

Hardlight: OK... get the video. And post it to YouTube.
Hero Shrew: Really? Shouldn't we go get the stuff off them first, and threaten to release the tapes if they don't.
Fireflash: Nah. Tank their stock prices and buy them out first.
Hardlight: Are they even publicly traded?

Fireflash: Just send them the video first. Jeez, am I the only one who's seen a Hiest movie?
Hero Shrew: I've seen Castle of Cagliostro, but I don't think I could drive like that.
Fireflash: I don't think anybody could.

We send the LoCarb CEO a copy of the video, and the number of a burner phone. As Hero Shrew figured out, it was the combination of the Thorn Golems and the Fecundity spell that meant the thorn golems kept trading up. And the neo-druids are appalled when they realise how badly they fucked up, especially when their intentions were genuinely good. Which is really rare with magical groups in the Champions universe. At least our anonymous involvement has been a much needed warning to the really careful with interacting magic. And Hero Shrew's insistence that we at least talk to them first means they're still in a position to go fix the invisible Wicker Men problem at all their OTHER sites. Some screaming is involved, but they manage to shut the golems down without our assistance.

The Mysterious One-eyed Oriental Gentlemen and his magical shops is back where we first found it.

Flux: Nobody touch, open, or lick anything.
Hero Shrew: What happens if I blow through this conch?

MOEOG: Good evening, young lady.
Fireflash: So, did that suffice?
MOEOG: That was not your task, and therefore not your question to ask.

His cryptic comments about the use and mis-use of power seems to be as much directed at us, as describe the neo-druids.

MOEOG: I have held this position for some time. One day, I would like to pass it on. But not to you. It is not your role. But I do know who holds the Tablet of Khedjameth. They will give it you. Go to this address in Millennium City.
Flux: Nice to know I can trust you.
MOEOG: I see I still have much to teach you.
Flux: So, do we get to pick something from the shelves before we go?
MOEOG: Not at this time. But go to that restaurant across the lane - she does the best sweet buns.

GM: The address you're sent to is quite a big building. Quite a BIG building. Why didn't that bastard just say 'Go to Homestead'? He's just sent you to the Champions equivalent of the Avenger's Mansion.

Receptionist: .... and who gave you this address?
Flux: A One-eyed gentlemen.
Receptionist: ... A one-eyed CHINESE gentlemen?
Flux: I don't want to assume, but he was Oriental.
Receptionist: Can you describe the place you found him?
Flux: THE magic shop.
Receptionist: ... wait here. Witchcraft will be out shortly.
Flux: *gulp*

Witchcraft: So, are you responsible for all the lightning with Quadrant?
Flux: Yes?
Witchcraft: We thought there were four of you - your team call themselves Quadrant after all.
Flux: I like to keep a low profile.
Witchcraft: I see the old guy is playing his games again. He seems to think you can understand the tablet. If that's true, I'm sorry for you. Now get out of here.
Flux: Thanks ma'am, big fan, bye.

Hardlight: So, how was the trip?
Flux: Eventful.
Hero Shrew: Much property damage?
Flux: No.
Hero Shrew: Slight property damage?
Flux: I've somehow managed to annoy the most powerful mage on the planet.
Hero Shrew: Was she hot?
Flux: Well, yes, but-
Hardlight: Did you get her number?
GM: Everybody's got her numb- what I MEAN is that the Champions have a public contact number.

Flux gets the Tablet back to his lab - everything he's read about it said it can't be analysed - but his info-magery immediately reveals the arcane equivalent of circuitry.

Hardlight: Oh - it's the TABLET of Khedjameth.
GM: Yep - Which explains why everyone thought it was incomplete. Nobody else figured out how to change the page.

Fireflash contacts her school counsellor - who else would know how to get ancient Lemurian and Atlantean translated?

Cortana: We don't teach anything that old in History.
Fireflash: I didn't study History.
Cortana: Fair enough then. I suppose you could ask them. But the Atlanteans and Lemurians are still at war, technically. And the Atlanteans don't like humans much. And would probably say 'That is an ancient artefact of our magic, and belongs to us.' Or 'that is an ancient artefact of our enemies and should be destroyed'. And the Lemurians REALLY don't like humans. Or you could ask Witchcraft - have you tried calling in the Champions?
Flux: Um.

Fireflash gets a phonecall a few hours later, from Millennium City.

Witchcraft: He's had it for less than a day. I spent THREE WEEKS in the LIBRARY OF BABYLON, with THE LIBRARIAN'S SCROLL and I didn't even finish the page!
Fireflash: It's information magic.
Witchcraft: It can't be, it's older than the Lemurians-
Fireflash: Yes, well, it's a Kindle.
Witchcraft: ... The TABLET of Khedjameth.
Fireflash: It took me a while to get that too.

Witchcraft: Anyway, I can't help you - I'm about to leave this dimension so I'll have one to come home to.
Fireflash: Oh, going by yourself?
Witchcraft: Just me and Sapphire.
Hero Shrew: Hot.

Fireflash: She's one of my heroes, you dork.
Flux: Hey, you're the one that plays Dungeons and Dragons. Oh, right, 'Pathfinder'.

Witchcraft: Anyway, I got to go now YES I'M COMING so try someone more local.

Hero Shrew: If anybody has invented a Universal Translator it'll be some Star Trek fan in Dysprosium Dawn.
Flux: .... Scooter is on a roll this week.

The Tablet is a detailed description of the powers and binding of someone with Nephilim blood. Which is alarming, especially since it means the undead sheriff that started all this no mere revenant.

Hero Shrew: And letting him open the gate will probably be literally apocalyptic. Hey! I used literally, literally!

Hero Shrew OoC: I'm impressed that it was me that figured out half of what was going on, and the simplest solutions.
Flux: That's because you're simple. But not stupid.

[Christopher]

Hardlight: So, how was the trip?

Flux: Eventful.

Hero Shrew: Much property damage?

Flux: No.

Hero Shrew: Slight property damage?

Flux: I've somehow managed to annoy the most powerful mage on the planet.

Hero Shrew: Was she hot?

Flux: Well, yes, but-

Hardlight: Did you get her number?

GM: Everybody's got her numb- what I MEAN is that the Champions have a public contact number.

 

Flux gets the Tablet back to his lab - everything he's read about it said it can't be analysed - but his info-magery immediately reveals the arcane equivalent of circuitry.

 

Hardlight: Oh - it's the TABLET of Khedjameth.

GM: Yep - Which explains why everyone thought it was incomplete. Nobody else figured out how to change the page.

[...]

 

Fireflash gets a phonecall a few hours later, from Millennium City.

 

Witchcraft: He's had it for less than a day. I spent THREE WEEKS in the LIBRARY OF BABYLON, with THE LIBRARIAN'S SCROLL and I didn't even finish the page!

Fireflash: It's information magic.

Witchcraft: It can't be, it's older than the Lemurians-

Fireflash: Yes, well, it's a Kindle.

Witchcraft: ... The TABLET of Khedjameth.

Fireflash: It took me a while to get that too.

I literally have no idea how you even got that idea.

 

And here I was about to say something about the resident "genious, billionaire, playboy philantropist" having something against hitting on witchcraft.

[Netzilla]

I have been so bad about keeping up with quotes.  The following are all scattered over various games and are presented with minimal context.

 

Our cast:

Nymeria - Human huntress

Lexi - Human priestess

Braddoc - Halfling thief [bronwyn's brother]

Bronwyn - Halfling illusionist

Grim - Orcish monk

Danwell - Elvish sage

Gar - Dwarvish priest

Griff - Human (angelic) fighter

 

****

 

Gar -- Have you heard the song of my people?  It goes, "Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom!"

 

****

 

Brad -- We may well be the greatest ecological disaster this world has ever seen.

 

Nym -- Only second.

 

Brad -- Oh, Skyfall.

 

Nym [pouting] -- That's my point, we're only #2.

 

Gar [chanting] -- WE'RE NUMBER 2!  WE'RE NUMBER 2!

 

****

 

Brad -- All I know is that Fate gets you into trouble, not out of it.

 

GM -- Hey, Fate gives you all the tools you need to solve your problems.

 

Brad -- Not all the tools.  Not the intelligence to use them.

 

Nym -- Fate gives you all the tools but none of the instructions.  Like Ikea.

 

****

 

Lexi [OOC about to roll dice while we all watch] -- Now you're giving me performance anxiety.

 

****

 

Nym -- When's the uterine eviction?

 

****

 

Gar's been complaining about how he keeps missing in combat and a couple of us go over his math and determines that he only needs something like a 7 to actually hit.  Still, he'd been rolling 5s and 6s.

 

Gar [a few rounds later] -- Whoohoo 17!  That's three high rolls in a row!

 

Brad -- Sure.  Since they know how easy the roll is, your dice are going to give you all your high rolls now.

 

Gar [at his dice] -- You bastards!

 

****

 

Brad [OOC after a dice mishap] -- Bad die!  No mixing with Gar's dice.  They're a bad influence.

[bigdamnhero]

From last night's FH game. The players are laying low for the day, keeping a low profile before planned nighttime shenanigans.

 

Barbarian: "I'm going to the library to continue my research*."

Ranger: "I thought we were laying low?"

Barbarian: "...It's the library."

Knight: "I wouldn't think to look for her there."

Ranger: "Good point."

 

* It's a running gag that the barbarian is far smarter than she lets on.

 

 

Another running gag is that the Barbarian and the Priest have this odd will-they-won't-they quasi-romance thing going on. At one point the players are talking about an incident a few sessions back when they got captured and tortured.

 

Barbarian: "That was so awesome! The torture wasn't even that bad."

[blank stares]

Barbarian: "I'm not saying I'm into being tortured..."

Priest: [grabs pen & paper] "Just making a few notes for later."

 

 

The Priest always jokes that he doesn't need to carry a weapon because "I have a Barbarian."

GM: "You have all been summoned to appear before the Grand Prince. As before, you have to leave your weapons outside."

Priest: [jerks a thumb at the Barbarian] "So you want her to stay out here?"

 

 

One of the PCs is Welsh:

Barbarian: "I don't know how they do things back in Welshland..."

Welshman: "Welshland?!?!"

Barbarian: "Whatever..."

A few minutes later...

Priest: "He's from some place called Welshlandia."

Welshman: "[sigh]"

[bigdamnhero]

Oh, and I can't remember the exact context for this one, but it cracked us all up. From the African alchemist to the Welsh ranger:

 

"As the only black character in probably this entire country, can I point out that your White Privilege is showing?"

[Enforcer84]

Hello old thread. 

 

Started a new campaign, tentatively titled Storm Chasers.

Our heroes!

 

Tahlten La'aoriel - half-elf ranger, bearer of adorable kitten named Moxie. 

Donur Tymtumblyr - Dragonborn Cleric of Uryjon the Thunderer, friendly sort. Will hit anyone.

Thirin Salthammer of Clan Riversteel - dwarf bard, from a clan that left the mountains to sail the seas. Stuck in a podunk human village on a pisscreek they call a river. 

 

New Group. Tahlten is a new player and not quite as comfortable with the RP. 

 

Donur and Thirin are old hats though. 

 

Donur Tymtumblyr: BIC: "We have an... accord," He says to Grimslad, then looks to Thirin Salthammer and Tahlten La'ailior "Adventure awaits! As the holy script says 'A righteous clouting is a joy to bring to the sinful'... Book of Claw II, Verse 26."

Donur Tymtumblyr: (Draconic) "Blow it out your snack hole"

Donur Tymtumblyr: BIC: "The Thunderer fill thee with health and may thy eggs be many!" A pause, "It's a very old healing spell. We really should update the orthodoxy."

Donur Tymtumblyr: (In Draconic) A grunt, and then, "My mother's mother hits harder than you and she's venerable."

Donur Tymtumblyr: BIC: "Kill em all and let Urjyon sort em out!" He quotes saint whompscale the blessed martyr!

Donur Tymtumblyr: "Urjyon the Thunderer, Shakaboom be his name, takes no blood sacrifices save that willingly given in battle by the brave and righteous." he coughs, "It maybe... kobolds."

 

 

Thirin Salthammer: Pick on someone yer own size!

after Lizardman picks on much shorter dwarf...

Tahlten La'alior: "Time for a drum solo!"

[GhostDancer]

Fletch, playing The Mighty Thor, "I'm going to use my Thunderclap."

Will "Suffice" Geiger, playing Black Panther, "There's no cure for that, but there is a treatment diet.  Pizza and pancakes, we can slide that under your door."

[Mjolnir74]

Pathfinder: Xcrawl

The Cast:

Drew Blood: Female Human Barbarian from Minneapolis, Minnesota. (Yes, she has the accent)

Steel Rose: Female Elven Rogue/Ranger (Two Weapon Specialist)

Silver Sorceress: Female Human Sorceress (Dragon Blooded)

Lacey Cravat: Gender Confused Dwarven Cleric

The Setting:

Silver is buffing the party before an anticipated combat.

The Action:

 

Silver Sorceress (OOC): I cast Stoneskin on Drew --

 

Drew Blood: It's clobberin' time!