Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

[Drhoz]

Champions - Return to Edge City - VillianCon
Me: If Magnus the Red favours a Red-Blue Magic deck, what card games would the other Primarchs play?
Flux's Player: Well, Tzeench would play Fluxx, because you keep changing the rules.
GM: Lorgar would play Cards Against Humanity - because you take the premise and twist to whatever you want it to say.
Me: What would Angron play, assuming he had the patience?
GM: Snap.

Quadrant are not one of the world's premier super-teams.

GM: When Justice League Antarctica is something you aspire to, you have a problem.

Quadrant and Mysterious Sugar Cookies. I mean Coins. Elemental coins, anyway, which were apparently the initial seed of this adventure.

Hero Shrew: All we know is that they're not radioactive and they're probably made on Earth.
Fireflash: We don't know that.
Hero Shrew: If they were alien they probably wouldn't have the current market prices printed on them.

Hero Shrew: Well, after we trashed that guy's bike.
Flux: Hey hey hey, there is no 'WE' in this situation.

Flux starts building a spell to locate quantum-locked sugar.

Flux: Everyone likes sugar.
GM: Tell that to Type 1 Diabetics.

Flux: And what are the rest of you going to do?
Hero Shrew: Foosball!
GM: Yeah, there's about the best you have down here in the old base you occupied. Foosball, air hockey, and an old Atari. Nobody knows how that got down here.
Hero Shrew: Hang about, I'm playing ET the Video Game - I'm sure I can get past this level if I keep trying.

Flux does determine that pockets of quantum-locked sugar, probably indicating tens of thousands of dollars worth of elemental coins, are clustering together and moving around Edge City, and converging in the suburb of Ditko.

Hero Shrew: At least the dots aren't gathering in Kirby.

Fireflash: I'll go get the papier mache van, grab Scooter and Hardlight and we'll get moving.
Hero Shrew: Hang about... I'm still trying to get. Past. This. Hole.
Fireflash: You can't. That game is broken.
Hero Shrew: .... what?

GM: We can never given Scooter Pokemon Go. Or the first time he sees a Sandshrew he'll either go 'Mom?' Or 'She's Hot' and wander off confused into traffic.

Flux: The coins are congregating and now they're on their way to Ditko. I can only assume for a holiday.

Flux: I've been humming 'The Sorcerer's Apprentice' all afternoon - time to see it that will be prophetic.

We do spot a LOT of probable gang members converging on Ditko.

GM: What do you reckon - is that a member of the Voodoo Crew?
Hardlight: Nah, it's a Spinneret.
Flux: Or a goth with a really good tailor.

Hero Shrew: We've got representatives of every alt-culture fashion school of the last 100 years converging on Ditko. Is there a convention on?
Flux: *gets out her smartphone* I'll check.

Flux: This seems like a dangerous place to be.
Hero Shrew: I think the term is 'target-rich environment'

Flux: Time to be stealthy.
Hero Shrew: I'm not sure I can do stealthy. I'm the kind of guy that takes up the entire footpath in Brooklyn.

We also spot members of Humanity First, across the road from members of Freak Legion. And they're not shooting at each other.

Fireflash: Is that unusual?
GM: Normally, just seeing each other requires an exchange of fire.

They're all converging on a particular warehouse.

Hero Shrew: Warrrrrriors... come out and plaaaaay.
GM: Warriors. Good movie.
Flux: And that guy was creepy. That whole movie was practically horror. Kung Fu Kangaroos...
GM: Wait, what?????
Hardlight: I think he's thinking of Warriors of Virtue.
Hero Shrew: Wow, we're doing well tonight. First we get Nick Cage and Nick Cave confused, and now this.

Hardlight: So, how do we get in there?
Hero Shrew: I could pretend I'm a member of PETA - they're a gang of lunatics.
Flux: I can disguise myself as member of Dysprosium Dawn.
GM: That probably won't work - Dysprosium Dawn CONTROL Ditko.

Flux: I could pretend to be from the Sanity Liberation Front.
GM: They are hard to spot, it's true.
Hero Shrew: That's because psychopaths look just like everybody else.

We do spot a unexpected new member of the Spinnerets, too - she's a Fox Moreau.

Hero Shrew: Huh - so the Spinnerets accept non-human members. She still looks great in skin-tight red leather.

Flux heads in - and discovers there's a $100 cover charge to get in. $100 in Coin.

GM: You don't get in, but you do see in. And OH MY GOD YOU WANT IN - Dysprosium Dawn are having a sale - 20% Off Everything.
Flux: OH MY GOD I WANT IN.

And apparently, since the last leadership shakeup, Dysprosium Dawn have a five-foot tall squirrel-girl as a high-ranking member.

Hero Shrew: It's Gadget Hackwrench.

Flux: OK, now I have two reasons to get in there.
Hero Shrew: *Gives Flux a Look*
GM: Got a thing for fluffy tails, do you?
Flux: *facepalm*

Hardlight makes a suggestion - teleport in along the powerlines. Flux can do that, although the lightning bolts and crawling electrical fire might be conspicuous. Or maybe not - this is a Dysprosium Dawn party.

GM: Somebody has probably set up a giant Jacob's Ladder for shits and giggles anyway.

Hero Shrew: I was right, it is a convention.
GM: No, it's a bazaar. Or maybe a Fire Sale.

One of the other Dysprosium Dawn leadership is something of a Cyberpunk Wendy.

Flux: 'Would you like a hot dog?' She's really rocking the schoolgirl chic. At least until she hits you.
Hardlight: I know, right? Look at those impact hammers.
GM: Wait, you are talking about the things on her wrists, right?

And the Spinnerets are circulating, intervening before any of the inter-gang tension flares up. But the electrical discharges Flux heard earlier weren't a Jacob's Ladder - it's someone demonstrating a 16-chamber lightning glove. All these intense electricmagnetic fields aren't good for Flux, but at least they have warning signs set up. He eventually notices the two data-brokers from the Spinnerets and the Dysprosium Dawn, who seem to handling most of the actual deals going on.

One of the vendors is selling cyberbees.

Vendor: And they can 2ml of any fluid you like. I know that doesn't sound like much, but-
Hero Shrew: Seems like plenty to me - ricin, for example. I think BZT has a very low dosage too. Fun stuff - causes shared hallucinations. Or just LSD.
Flux: Stop giving the bad guys ideas.

Another guy is selling early access to some very worrying tech.

Spruiker: Visual, RADAR, Multi-scanner, automatically comparing what it sees to its internal database and adding what it sees! Seriously guy, I have VIPER lining up to buy this!
Hero Shrew: Uh-oh.
GM: Any idea what he's selling, Flux?
Flux: Uh...
Hero Shrew: It's a sensor for spotting Secret Identities.

Flux also spots something that makes him even more nervous - another technomage, watching the room. He decides to leave, in a hurry, pushing his way into the toilets to teleport out.

GM: Excuse me, excuse me, I really need to go, cubical explodes with lightning. Ganger 'Dude, are you OK in there? Dude? Jesus Christ, he turned into ozone, I'm out of here'

Flux: I have returned from the Cave of Wonders. Unfortunately it's not the nice genie.
Hero Shrew: It's not Robin Williams?
Flux: No, it's more Steve Urkel.

Flux also overheard a conversation, theorizing about the coins - whoever is making them must have expected Quadrant to take an interest, and shut down production long enough for the Coins to drain towards Dysprosium Dawn, and us to follow them there. It's a good theory, and it's lucky nobody spotted us.

Hardlight: We're up somebody smarter than us.
Hero Shrew: No change there then.
GM: Yes you are - the Spinnerets. You know, the ones who told you about the Coins in the first place.
Hero Shrew: ... godammit.

Flux: One of these days Dysprosium Dawn are going to set up hologram projectors around town and have real-life Pokemon Go.
GM: ... well, there goes that plot *deletes GM notes*

Hero Shrew: Seriously, we need to tell PRIMUS about that scanner and all this other shit.
Flux: I know, right! I got distracted! There was a roomful of shiny stuff!
GM: Funny how Scooter, the only one who doesn't have to worry about a secret identity, is the one who's freaking out about this.

The PRIMUS tip-line operators are understandably skeptical, and forward our tip-off to the Edge City Police Department. But Flux and Hero Shrew persist, and eventually the PRIMUS is worried enough to send actual help.

PRIMUS: PRIMUS units en route. So are ECPD CAESAR Units.

Loud explosions suddenly blow six large holes in the walls of the warehouse, and we here somebody yelling 'Every Bug! Everybody Bug!'

Flux: You hear that?
PRIMUS: I can hear somehing.
Flux: They're bugging out.
Hero Shrew: They must have got a tip-off.
PRIMUS: That has to be at ECPD's end.
Flux: Oh, you think?

Flux: Well, at least that ID scanner would annoy the super-villains with secret identities too.
GM: But are you bastard enough to get Dysprosium Dawn in trouble like that? Wait, of course you are, you rat-bastard.

The gangers scatter in all directions, and we fail to catch or even see that scanner vendor in the crowd. We eventually realise the Media Blimps with their 24 hour surveillance of the city might be useful.

Hero Shrew: We spend so much time worrying about being filmed doing something we DON'T want them to see, that we forget to consider them when they're actually useful.

The EPCD powered armour units arrive, and do even more damage to the building.

Hero Shrew: Hey! They all bugged out a few seconds after you got the call!
GM: You can't see the faces through the helmets.
Hero Shrew: But I bet they aren't happy.
Flux: There must be a leak at the ECPD.
Hero Shrew: Or they picked up your call to PRIMUS.
Flux: Maybe. But I don't make mistakes, so it's somebody else's problem.

GM: And you didn't even get to see the best stuff for sale.
Flux: I was distracted by the bees

Hero Shrew: If anybody asks why we didn't stop them getting away, there were three of us, and they had a hand-held chain gun, 16-chamber lightning gloves, cyber bees, and that just the stuff they had on sale.
Flux: And we have no idea what the gangers brought with them.
Hero Shrew: Oh, and they had a five-foot squirrel with a wrench.
GM: Don't - or the story will become how Hero Shrew wouldn't stop a fellow Moreau.

GM: Flux got a good look at their leadership and higher-ups, at least.
Hero Shrew: Which apparently includes Gadget Hackwrench.
GM: It was a squirrel, not a mouse.
Flux: And god help whoever makes THAT mistake to her face.

Hero Shrew OoC: She's cute, but I don't think I'm suicidal enough to make any jokes about nuts around her.
Flux OoC: Depends, do you want to keep yours?
Hero Shrew OoC: Exactly.

GM: You didn't pay much attention to this woman, but despite the cyber-augments, she's not a Booster.
Hero Shrew: She's one of the Boosters who actually figured it out.

GM: Yep - 'You passed the intelligence test! Now you can join Dysprosium Dawn'

Hero Shrew: Funnily enough it was me who pointed out that the scanner could spot secret identities. And I don't even have a secret ID.
Flux: Yes, that's your role in this party - you point out the obvious. The really obvious.
Hero Shrew: Maybe I AM stupid enough to make squirrel jokes.
Flux: You work in a place where that's inappropriate. You respect women.
Hero Shrew: .... I like the way they look. I like the way they smell.
Hardlight: Maybe you should be quiet about that.
Hero Shrew: I'm sure I'll like the way they taste, if I ever get the chance.
All: ......
Flux: And moving right along-

At least Dysprosium Dawn tech is more 'fifteen minutes into the future' than anything as advanced as dimensional engineering.

Hero Shrew: I'm sure they WISH they had dimensional tech, so they could take Bags of Holding to their LARPs.

Hero Shrew: Well, you still did better than I would have, pretending to be a member of PETA. 'We're against cruelty to animals - it's humans or nothing'

Fireflash: Did we actually learn anything from this?
Hero Shrew: Not really.
Flux: I was distracted.
GM: Yes - by shiny toys and cute techno-fetishist girls.
Hardlight: So what next? Undersconsin?
Hero Shrew: I bags riding shotgun!
Fireflash: Let's just go back to base so we don't get into more trouble.
GM: Good luck with that - this team...
Flux: I got into trouble in my own apartment.

Flux: You waved the Coins in front of us and off we went.
GM: Yes, this really was a case of 'Chase the Shiny Thing'. One of these days I'll have to write the equivalent of aluminium foil rolled into a ball.

At least we learned that both the Spinnerets and Dysprosium Dawn are recruiting Moreaus, which was news to Scooter, and the Voodoo Crew are apparently on speaking terms Dysprosium Dawn again.

Listening in to police broadcasts informs us that one of the ECPD CAESER suits got taking out by a Booster.

Hero Shrew: That's not good.
Hardlight: But the CAESER suits got taken out by the Armadillo.
Hero Shrew: Sure. And the Armadillo is an internationally recognised threat.
Hardlight: .... good point.
Fireflash: I guess I know who we'll be tracking down in the morning, then.
Fireflash: Well, I'm going to bed.
Flux: Same here.
Hero Shrew: That's nice - I've got to get to my night job.
GM: Yeah, the one that actually pays the bills. Which begs the question of whether Moreaus count as taxable entities.
Hero Shrew: I'm sure we Moreaus do the exact same thing Mexican immigrants do - we pay every damn cent of tax we're supposed to.

Hero Shrew: And after I've turfed out the last drunk, it's back home to collapse into bed, and wake up five minutes later to do it all again.
Hardlight: One of these days you're going to crash, and crash hard.
Hero Shrew: Hey, in this economy, you have to work two jobs.

The Booster the police are after calls himself Ulysses Max. He's pretty heavily augmented, and wears an American flag bandanna at times.

Hero Shrew: Well, at least he doesn't call himself American Made. There'd be too many jokes.

He also has a reputation for level-headedness, so it's a bit strange that he got into a punch-up with the cops.

Flux: Maybe we should have a talk with him, when we find him. There's something odd here.

He also looks like a character from Mortal Kombat.

Hero Shrew: I got banned from my local arcade - I kept breaking the strength tester.

We split up to patrol the Booster's home turf. At least Ulysses Max should be on the streets.

Flireflash: This is the Boosters. They're all about affectation.
Hero Shrew: To be fair, that describes most of the gangs in Edge City.

GM: He's not out on the streets.
Hero Shrew: Smart move - WE might have forgotten about the surveillance Blimps, but...
GM: Remember that Edge City developed an affectation of awnings on most buildings. Guess why.

Fireflash: Well, time for Plan B - No Drugs Today.
GM: Oh god, you're trying that again.
Fireflash: I go with what works.
GM: If only one of you had actually taken investigatory skills.
Flux: Are we hounding their dealers again?
Fireflash: Not exactly. We just choose a street corner. And sit there. All day. So no drugs get sold, no streetwalkers get any johns and if any cars slow down you wave at them and they drive off again. So, how do they react?
Hardlight: They try and beat us up?
Fireflash: They know that won't work.
Hardlight: Are you sure? This is the Boosters we're talking about. Besides, they could just move.
Fireflash: Not really - the dealers get assigned to a corner.
GM: And the customers need to be able to find them.
Hero Shrew: And they're only so far they can move and still be on Boosters turf.

And as Fireflash predicts, it's not long until one of the Boosters members comes to find out why we're hassling them. We explain who we're after, and are told he's skipped town.

Booster: Everybody knows you gotta lie low if you take out a Spambot. He might be with family in Vegas. Or Reno. There some who say he don't have family, he came outta a vat.
Flux: Vegas. Oh, fucking wonderful.
GM: Yes 'There's a suspected cyberpath within 20 miles of Las Vegas' 'Arm the anti-air missiles'
Fireflash: Dead end then. Back to patrolling then. Two flyers, and two on the ground?
Flux: Sounds good.
Fireflash: *sotto voice* and it pairs up the sensible ones with the not-so-sensible ones.
Hero Shrew: My ears are burning.

GM: Sometimes I have to give you a few days to give up on a loose thread - you're like kittens chasing a piece of string in the breeze.

Ravenholme Biotech have released a wrist-mounted hologram smartphone, that projects a weak forcefield as the screen surface.

Hardlight: I'll have to tell the secretary to buy three - I have some reverse engineering to do.
Hero Shrew: I'd be more worried about one interfering with your own forcefields.
GM: Or if they both come for the same source technology.

That graffiti that has been showing up around town - the double helix glyph and 'In the game of evolution diversity trumps uniformity' has been replaced by new graffiti - the same glyph, and 'The strongest weapons are forged in the heat of battle'.

Hardlight: Well, that's ominous.
Hero Shrew: *as a member of a persecuted minority* You might want to analyse that paint. Because it would not surprise me at ALL if somebody is trying to discredit the original artists.
Hardlight: .... good point.

We hit the internets - the second quote is apparently from Skyrim.

Hardlight: It appears that it was done by geeks.
Flux: Google is having trouble with 'trumps' though.

And the slogan is getting airbrushed over a wider part of town this time. And is still appearing in inaccessible places, in less than a second.

Fireflash: So we're after somebody with super-speed.
Hero Shrew: And can fly, too.
Hardlight: Superfast villain?
Fireflash: It's just graffiti. Not much of a supercrime.
Hero Shrew: Neither was modifying the monorail to make a mildly annoying noise.
GM: It's all a question of scale.

And two days later, there's a third round of slogans "Control oil and you control nations..." a misquote usually attributed to Kissinger. The rest of the quote is 'Control food and you control people'.

Hardlight: I think we're being led on here.
Flux: Either that or we're up against the Riddler.

On the other hand, Edge City IS a centre for alternative foods. Not least because of the Moreau population. But Ravenholme do produce a lot of it.

Hero Shrew: .... I think I'll start a cricket farm. Just in case.
GM: Don't forget how young most of the Moreaus would have been at the time of the Breakout. Scooter was just a kid, for example.
Hero Shrew: I was a little shrew. Already biting the ends off milk bottles.

Ravenholme are, in fact, worried about this latest graffiti, but there's more than one food producer in Edge City that might be targeted. Fireflash and Flux start searching for likely targets. They do notice that the actual variety of Moreau foodstuffs is quite low - less than 30.

Fireflash: Well, I know the next thing that LowellTech should invest in.

GM: I'm interested to see that Drhoz (Hero Shrew) is following the logic that the Moreaus are a small, economically depressed population, but still worth targeting for consumables.

And that appears to have been the graffiti artist's plan all along - to be cryptic until people actually notice this and start talking about.

GM: Villain Success! But it is still vandalism.
GM: You put the clues together and deduced the correct answer.
Hero Shrew: For once.

GM: I assume you'll make the press announcement that LowellTech will be expanding into sustainable farming, with LoCarb Developments, with an eye to diversifying the diet of California's Moreau population.
Hardlight: *looks at Hero Shrew* Guess who's going to be on the front of the LowellTech food brand boxes!
Hero Shrew: uuhhhhh...
Flux: NOT the guy that looks like he should be on the poster for Jaws 6?



And the company that's releasing domestic robots has also released details of the Laws of Robotics they'll be operating under. It turns out that they just cribbed the Ten Commandments, with humans standing in for god, and a good night's sleep in place of the sabbath.

Hardlight: I can see a few ways around that.
Hero Shrew OoC: There's a reason Asimov got so many stories out of loopholes in the Three Laws of Robotics.

[Christopher]

And the company that's releasing domestic robots has also released details of the Laws of Robotics they'll be operating under. It turns out that they just cribbed the Ten Commandments, with humans standing in for god, and a good night's sleep in place of the sabbath.

 

Hardlight: I can see a few ways around that.

Hero Shrew OoC: There's a reason Asimov got so many stories out of loopholes in the Three Laws of Robotics.

Once you got a Artifical General Intelligence, all those wonderfull "rules" come all back to the Stop Button problem. I actualyl made a thread about someone dicussion actuall AI safty research:

http://www.herogames.com/forums/topic/95631-the-insanity-of-trying-to-make-safe-ai/

[Armory]

The INT-challenged brick in our group, upon encountering zombies for the first time:

 

"You called 'em undead?  That's confusin'.  I mean, "un" means "not", right?  So living people are un-dead too, right?  How does anybody know who "undead" is about, then?  It's about everybody, not just zombies.  Why not call 'em "unalive"?  Naw, that don't work, 'cause they's walkin' around, so they's kinda-alive. Plus, everything that ain't alive is unalive, like cars and rocks.  I know!  Used-ta-be-dead!

 

"See, ya'll really need me more for my brain than my muscles.  I'm the only one who can keep this stuff straight."

[Era Scarecrow]

Well here's a 3 for 1 deal...

 

Back in 2007 I got into a fantasy hero game (Brightwood), I made a werewolf characters; Anyways, first session of the game in a tavern there's an attack and a wererat comes in trying to act all that and the like; I transform and outdo his presence attack and am a bit stronger, naturally he was surprised since he wasn't the big bad anymore. But that didn't stop him from summoning some large rats for us to fight.

 

During the fight I made a few successful powerful hits, and did presence attacks. GM added up the dice to something like 11 dice.

GM: Soliloquy?

Me: Take DAT you rat!

GM: Negative one for impact...

 

(Truthfully I still don't know what a Soliloquy is or how I'm suppose to use it...)

 

In a later fight (same first session) we were fighting goblins and orcs, who after I roared and scared them to death they were all running away.

Me: Get back here SO I CAN KILL YOU!

GM: They run away faster

Me: I mean, Stop and won't kill you

 

They surrender, and we interrogate them. I decide to ask the low grunts why they were attacking humans. The answer?

Goblin: Humans are Num Nums!

 

The NPC help and my teammate suggested I try someone with a little more rank...

[mrinku]

Playing our Space:1889 game last night.

 

We're in an underground complex filled with jungle and find a bollard-like thing with a grille on it. Unable to work out what it is we move on.

 

Then we find another one, identical to the last.

 

Me: We've got grilles - they're multiplying.

GM (catching on): And you're losing control

[Tjack]

Watch out for that energy blast their supplying. When they start "electrifying"!

[Era Scarecrow]

Hmmm I'm suddenly reminded of another story. 2nd Edition D&D, the world was vampires and werewolves were warring (later when the numbers of supernatural were so high, if you were human you were potential food...).

 

Anyways, I was playing a druid werewolf. He used his were abilities during fights (depending on the opponents) and shifting when other options arose. Regardless we were fighting an Umberhulk, and my character got hit with confusion. First round, I rolled and could act normally. I told the DM "I turn into a squirrel!"

 

The remainder of the battle I was biting Dan's character (who previously was a vampire, long story on that) but as a squirrel the damage was minimal.

 

HOWEVER since my character was a were, he still had a chance to turn (calculated it was like 5-8%) and he rolled it. Then the DM was pondering over how to do it. "A were-squirrel. Well he would get shorter, and lose strength, but his Dex would go up...". The DM decided he'd just become another werewolf I guess due to the silliness of it all, and Dan was angry because he wanted to be infected by a specific were.

 

 

 

To note Dan had a quirk where he blurted out whatever he was thinking as his action, regardless if it was smart or not, and eventually wrote down on his character sheet 'THINK FIRST', which actually helped him once or twice.

 

One of his random actions occurred while we got ambushed by like 30 bandits (we had a caravan), Dan picked up a handful of crap/manure and started eating it making all the bandits puke (those that managed to somehow save failed on the second round) and everyone outside lost their lunch. The bandit leader finally replied "Alright, maybe we won't rob you..."

[bigdamnhero]

"We've secretly switched the kyber crystals this Death Star normally uses with Folger's. Will anyone be able to tell the difference?"

 

(For you youngens, it's spoofing a series of commercials from the 80s.)

[Era Scarecrow]

This exchange I recall from years ago. My younger brother was the DM so you'd have to ask the full details from him. It went something like this...

 

Player: I enter the room, is there any treasure?

DM: There's a chest in the middle of the room

Player: I go open it

DM: She slaps you

[DusterBoy]

Once you got a Artifical General Intelligence, all those wonderfull "rules" come all back to the Stop Button problem. I actualyl made a thread about someone dicussion actuall AI safty research:

http://www.herogames.com/forums/topic/95631-the-insanity-of-trying-to-make-safe-ai/

 

If you're working on the safety side of AI research, here's a video, you might find interesting:

 

Chap's name is Isaac Arthur, a physicist.

[Christopher]

If you're working on the safety side of AI research, here's a video, you might find interesting:

 

Chap's name is Isaac Arthur, a physicist.

Not actually working on it. Just talking about it.

 

The big flaw with any of the Asumptions about AI behavior is that it will stay that way forever. Humans have a whole lifetime to get over anything they learned from Childhood to Adolescence. A AI would have unlimtied relative lifetimes to get over what it learned in the first few minutes.

Hitler was not born or raised with a desire to murder jews. It was his experiences during WW1 - mixed with some common conspiracy theories of the time - that made him who we remember him as.

[Era Scarecrow]

Ahh here's one I just remembered...

 

ME: So what if you took extra time to Fast Draw?

 

DM: *thinking about it* Well he could be checking to make sure it's unsnapped, no obstacles in the way, the blade is oiled and coming out easily...

 

Logically this defeats the whole purpose of fast draw in the first place...

[Christopher]

Ahh here's one I just remembered...

 

ME: So what if you took extra time to Fast Draw?

 

DM: *thinking about it* Well he could be checking to make sure it's unsnapped, no obstacles in the way, the blade is oiled and coming out easily...

 

Logically this defeats the whole purpose of fast draw in the first place...

I think the GM meant "check before you need to fastdraw", like "in your downtime".

And was weighing if the players comming claim "Of course my character did that!" makes sense. You know, to avoid this effect:

https://youtu.be/sIaIdv79Xz4?t=224

[Era Scarecrow]

"... Define 'Hordes'."

"Someone better shut up these clowns..."

Hmmm this brings back memories. Playing in a D&D game 3.5, we had characters who were in a tower and had an open book which took us to other locations...

 

Anyways, one of the badguys was a clown. Literally. He had a scepter with a clown head on it and he was inviting us to play and have fun. When he hit someone with his scepter they would laugh... and lose vitality, along with anyone else who laughed as well. We played along until it got dangerous and then fought him...

 

Anyways, later the DM brought out new NPC's for us to talk to (plot or otherwise)... with the same (or very similar) voice. So...

 

Oh Pei (monk): Are you related to a clown?

DM: Nnnnnooooo.... Why?

Oh Pei: Just asking...

 

This happened like 3 more times before he realized to mix up his voice acting, because that creepy way he talked with the clown stuck... and every character with that creepy voice made me ask 'Are you related to a clown?'... sorta a running joke for a little while.

 

 

I think the GM meant "check before you need to fastdraw", like "in your downtime".

No, he was meaning that's what was going on DURING the extra time taken... Imagine taking a minute to make sure your fast draw is unimpeded, pulling your weapon out and oiling it and putting it away and testing it again for less resistance...

[Era Scarecrow]

All of us have experienced this at one time or another...

 

"There's no way he could fail this. He'd have to roll a one. ...Uh..."

THAT brings back an old memory or two...

 

First experience playing (doesn't mean I had a meaningful character).

 

Very very first experiences playing D&D 2nd edition I was playing... well... I don't remember what or who I was playing. But the DM was fed up with me over nothing (I am guessing my lack of knowledge on the game since I hadn't any books, hadn't read anything, knew nothing of the lore, etc etc etc). So he declares "As you walk (alone) down the hallway a bolt of lighting hits you, and you're dead".

 

A neighbor who played as well objected. "Aww come on man. You HAVE to give him a 1% chance."

 

The DM agreed, at least there was a CHANCE that I'd survive. And I roll it. DM is stupefied. "You see a copper piece on the ground, bending over to pick it up the bolt of lightning passes by you..."

 

The DM (same one I think) later wanted to kill me again only an attack from the heavens since I angered him. Same neighbor gave the same complaint, agreed, I rolled a 1 again, and again survived miraculously. On the third time the DM just said flat refused seemingly, since it seemed whenever that exact phrase was used, I somehow (graced by the heavens) always rolled a 1%.

 

---

 

Speaking of bad rolls another one comes to mind, a friend drew an image to depict the aftermath, don't think she uploaded it either...

 

Recall that earlier story of the tower? Well this is a continuation of that. But first some backstory. Our character got some nice treasure, one of which was some magic tomes, and if you read the tomes for a week you could get a permanent stat boost (probably 1-2 in this case). So the leader looked up at the sky as we're in the middle of a town (remember whisked here by one of those books as long as it's open) and said (since this was more or less a window of entertainment for someone) "Alright, we are going to go do our own thing for a week. So keep watching this spot if you really want to. See you later..."

 

Anyways... During the absence another character joined and got the DM's permission to play an assassin class, and got him prepared and even ran a short session. None of us knew this until later I think. But our adventure later has us going against a large contingent of orcs based in the side of a mountain (was suppose to be a mine I think). The assassin goes invisible and sneaks past the bulk of orcs right to the leader... where there's a a large collection of explosives, and manages to take him out. Good right? Welll...

 

Another player who was playing an anthromorphised unicorn cleric of Palor already had been casting Flame strike. Flame Strike as I recall takes a bit to cast as I recall, the effect being that MOMENTS AFTER the orc leader is defeated and falls over dead the assassin appears (invisibility wearing off). There was no way to abort the spell at that point, so the Flame strike hit that area setting off the explosives killing everything inside and around.

 

Worst part? The assassin needed a 3 or greater to take no damage (hell the group was 8-10th level)... he failed. So it went something like this.

 

DM: As you are finishing your spell...

Cleric: FLAME STRIKE!

DM: The leader in the back falls over dead as your friend xxx appears next to him. Then your Flame Strike hits the explosives *rolls like 30 dice*. Then there's an explosion big enough to destroy half the mountain.

Cleric: ... Oops...

 

The player for the assassin was a good sport about it

[Christopher]

THAT brings back an old memory or two...

 

First experience playing (doesn't mean I had a meaningful character).

 

Very very first experiences playing D&D 2nd edition I was playing... well... I don't remember what or who I was playing. But the DM was fed up with me over nothing (I am guessing my lack of knowledge on the game since I hadn't any books, hadn't read anything, knew nothing of the lore, etc etc etc). So he declares "As you walk (alone) down the hallway a bolt of lighting hits you, and you're dead".

 

A neighbor who played as well objected. "Aww come on man. You HAVE to give him a 1% chance."

 

The DM agreed, at least there was a CHANCE that I'd survive. And I roll it. DM is stupefied. "You see a copper piece on the ground, bending over to pick it up the bolt of lightning passes by you..."

 

The DM (same one I think) later wanted to kill me again only an attack from the heavens since I angered him. Same neighbor gave the same complaint, agreed, I rolled a 1 again, and again survived miraculously. On the third time the DM just said flat refused seemingly, since it seemed whenever that exact phrase was used, I somehow (graced by the heavens) always rolled a 1%.

 

---

 

Speaking of bad rolls another one comes to mind, a friend drew an image to depict the aftermath, don't think she uploaded it either...

 

Recall that earlier story of the tower? Well this is a continuation of that. But first some backstory. Our character got some nice treasure, one of which was some magic tomes, and if you read the tomes for a week you could get a permanent stat boost (probably 1-2 in this case). So the leader looked up at the sky as we're in the middle of a town (remember whisked here by one of those books as long as it's open) and said (since this was more or less a window of entertainment for someone) "Alright, we are going to go do our own thing for a week. So keep watching this spot if you really want to. See you later..."

 

Anyways... During the absence another character joined and got the DM's permission to play an assassin class, and got him prepared and even ran a short session. None of us knew this until later I think. But our adventure later has us going against a large contingent of orcs based in the side of a mountain (was suppose to be a mine I think). The assassin goes invisible and sneaks past the bulk of orcs right to the leader... where there's a a large collection of explosives, and manages to take him out. Good right? Welll...

 

Another player who was playing an anthromorphised unicorn cleric of Palor already had been casting Flame strike. Flame Strike as I recall takes a bit to cast as I recall, the effect being that MOMENTS AFTER the orc leader is defeated and falls over dead the assassin appears (invisibility wearing off). There was no way to abort the spell at that point, so the Flame strike hit that area setting off the explosives killing everything inside and around.

 

Worst part? The assassin needed a 3 or greater to take no damage (hell the group was 8-10th level)... he failed. So it went something like this.

 

DM: As you are finishing your spell...

Cleric: FLAME STRIKE!

DM: The leader in the back falls over dead as your friend xxx appears next to him. Then your Flame Strike hits the explosives *rolls like 30 dice*. Then there's an explosion big enough to destroy half the mountain.

Cleric: ... Oops...

 

The player for the assassin was a good sport about it

At large I have some issues parsing what you write. General sentence structure I guess. The oncassional blue text is not really helping either.

 

But that last part I understood enough to find it funny.

[Era Scarecrow]

At large I have some issues parsing what you write. General sentence structure I guess. The occasional blue text is not really helping either.

 

But that last part I understood enough to find it funny.

I have a script that does formatting for me in a way I've decided I want it. BOLD (italics) "blue or orange" 'green and italics'... although it works better on a different coloring scheme than what's on this site. If you'd prefer I can leave those out.

[Drhoz]

A bit of flavour text I wrote up for the Militia unit I'm playing in this month's Warhammer 30K campaign, Swamptober -

 

 

The King's Own Immemorials AKA the Electi Regum, AKA The Majestic XIIth AKA "Those toffee-nosed bastards"

The most lauded battalion on Herrio 7-3 before that world was brought to compliance, the King's Own were hand-chosen from the planet's nobility, and equipped to the most exacting standards. When King Kacer the Seventeenth bent the knee in the face of the overwhelming superiority of the Crusade Fleet, the new Planetary Governor thought it would be politically wise to continue the tradition. Not only would this assuage the honour of the previously-ruling families, but it would ensure that the sons of those families were sent off-world where they couldn't foment any trouble for the new regime.

The Immemorials accepted this new situation without much complaint (or perhaps failed to realise the intent of the order) and continued much as they had before - as a collection of vainglorious bluebloods, that treated war as a day at the hunt, and used their subsidiary regiment as batmen and beaters until they could finish off the enemy with pre-compliance gravitic rifles and expertly placed kill-shots.

Needless to say, they did not take being dropped into the noisome nitre-encrusted swamps of Metallikus at all well.

 

 

 

The Satapatis-Baronet de Quincy snorted with disgust. He's had his batman scrub his boots four times today, and they still weren't clean. "What's the problem with you, man, you must have done it a hundred times!"

Vurger shrugged. "Don't know sir. Might have something to do with the swamp, sir."

de Quincy narrowed his eyes. Every part of Metallikus that they'd seen so far was some flavour of swamp, mire, morass, or petrochemical sludge pit. "Are you trying to be funny, Vurger?"

"No, sir. Wouldn't know how, sir."

"Exactly." de Quincy stalked around the room, and scowled at the crust of nitre forming on the outside of the armourglass window. "What regiment were you with before you were attached to the Twelfth, Verger?"

"Second, sir."

"Second? Second? Now what do they call the second? Turnip-eaters?"

"Turnip-farmers, sir."

"Did I look like I asking you? Turnip-farmers. Well, your regiment is seconded to the Twelfth now, and you'll damn well behave like it! And that means no talking back, and no trying to be funny, and damn well following every order I give you! Scrub them again!"

Vurger renewed his pointless attempt to clean the officer's boots.

de Quincy glowered out at the horizon, and the disturbingly fleshy vegetation, and the bubbling brown mud. "If only we'd been part of the Third Legion's fleet! Now there's a Legion that knows how to treat people of rank!"

His batman paused in the scrubbing. "The Emperor's Children, sir?"

"Yes, the Emperor's Children, you damn fool! Did I say you could stop cleaning?"

"Nossir. Right away sir. It's just I thought the Third Legion were fighting on the other side, sir."

"Nobody's paying to think, man! And help me get my kit on, I feel like inspecting the troops."

Vurger sighed and stood up, helping his commanding officer into the breathing harness and weaponry frames, and moving to fetch his own. He muttered something under his breath. de Quincy whirled on him, bristling with anger.

"Did you just say something, Vurger?"

"Brass Hat, sir. Brass Hat. You've forgotten it." the batman replied, snapping his heels together and gesturing to the onion-domed, spiked lion's helm.

The Satapatis-Baronet snatched it off the table, and slipped it on over the filter hood. "It's not brass, you idiot, it's gold-chased platinum." He stomped off towards the airlock.

"Yessir, sorry sir. I'm sure the enemy will be very impressed."

[Cancer]

"Set yourself on fire. All the cool kids are doing it."

 

In deliberate imitation of the scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, in a town where wights and zombies were an all-too-common problem: "Bring out your undead!" (clank of cowbell) "Bring out your undead!"

[steriaca]

"Set yourself on fire. All the cool kids are doing it."

 

In deliberate imitation of the scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, in a town where wights and zombies were an all-too-common problem: "Bring out your undead!" (clank of cowbell) "Bring out your undead!"

(starts singing "Not Quite Dead" from Spamalot)

[Era Scarecrow]

Here's one from 2004!

 

Me: Can I have some iron balls?

 

DM: What? NO!

 

Me: Well what about glass ones?

 

DM: Huh?

 

Took him a minute to realize I was asking for some meditation balls for my character, who happened to have juggling and needed... something to juggle that he might also use as a weapon...

 

It's only too easy to guess what he THOUGHT I was asking for...

[Drhoz]

Here's one from 2004!

 

Me: Can I have some iron balls?

 

DM: What? NO!

 

Me: Well what about glass ones?

 

DM: Huh?

 

Took him a minute to realize I was asking for some meditation balls for my character, who happened to have juggling and needed... something to juggle that he might also use as a weapon...

 

It's only too easy to guess what he THOUGHT I was asking for...

 

Obviously your character wasn't in the Imperial Guard then, where giant steel balls are standard issue. Generals get master-crafted adamantium powerballs.

[Enforcer84]

"Come Billy, we shall beat back this barbaric brute with bashings both belittling and baneful to body and brain!"

~ Donur Tymtumbler, Cleric of Urjyon the Thunderer. (to a giant goat)

[Christopher]

On the mater of Christian Nobles "keeping it in the Family", there is this Trailer to Crusader Kings 2 from Pradox:

FLSH_BNG  asked the communuty "Anybody ever accidentally marry their own sister during their first game?"

The replies are pure comedy gold.

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder - Streets of Magnimar - How To Make Enemies And Influence Ushers
Zin: Kobold trapsmith, escaped slave, master of disguise, future Underlord
Gillert: A sheep among wolves. Varisian, human, eldritch scoundrel, but not by choice.
Ys Danar: Elven cutthroat, former pirate, freelance assassin, etc.
Harshal High-seeker: Shoanti investigator and extremely crooked barrister.

Tannis Oberech: Human rake and fledgling noble, who hasn't actually been at any of the sessions for a while, which is a shame because his money-making schemes are starting to pay off.

Important NPCs:

Emelliandra Oberech, Iria, and Ticaria: Scholars of various levels of shadiness. We've done favours for most of them, as part of a long ladder to positions of wealth and influence. We're currently trying to get Ticaria's proposal to open the giant spider-monster-infested ruined cyclopean bridge up to adventuring parties in front of Magnimar's Council of Ushers.
Lady of the Council of Ushers - Lady Verrine Caiteil: The Elf In Charge
Seneschal of Dates - Jacildria Quildarmo: Highly influential civil servant
Parvo Crispin: Owner and publisher of Magnimar's first broadsheet newspaper
Lalya Margare: Parvo's spitfire reporter/assistant. It was her idea to sell the paper cheaply, to a much wider audience. Her revolutionary zeal and investigative reporting will probably mean trouble for us later.

The biggest bottleneck when trying to talk to the Council of Magnimar is the Seneschal of Dates, and it doesn't matter how even-handedly the Lady of the Council runs things, if the Seneschal doesn't like you, you aren't talking to anybody.

Harshal: So we need to frame her for something.
Ys: And then blackmail her. Killing her isn't the best option, since we have no control over who replaces her.
Gillert: We should try and find out if she's already guilty of something. More efficient than framing her ourselves. Any ideas?
Harshal: Sorry, I'm just reflecting on the fact that it's YS who's saying murder isn't the best option here.
Ys: Hey, I know murder.

Gillert: So far, no luck with dirt-digging.
Harshal: Hey, if was easy everybody would have done it.

Harshal: Does the seneschal have any kids?
GM: No - the joke is 'no man can keep to her schedule'.
Harshal: So no kids, and no lover. Or if there is a lover she's discrete. And if she had a female lover the joke would be 'no-one else can multitask'

Zin: So, how do you fell about a little light kidnapping?
Harshal: Is it anything like light housekeeping?

What we DO find out is that anybody that leans too heavily on the Seneschal finds secrets about THEM getting out into the world. Apparently she has her own information network that we haven't even heard of. On the other hand we also hear a rumour that her manse has a secret second level to the basement.

Zin: Easy, she's a noble - it's a sex dungeon.

She's also well-preserved for somebody in her fifties. The paranoid might say suspiciously well-preserved.

Zin: I guess she'll be getting a tail. A very small tail.
Harshal: As the pervy gnome-fancier said.

Her manse is a little on the small side for the Alabaster District. It barely qualifies, in fact.

Gillert: That would explain the basement, too - if you can't build out, dig down.
Harshal: And you could sell the marble you excavated, too.

She never eats alone, either - she's always seen in company, whether at Magnimar's eateries or entertainments. That could just be because she enjoys her work. But she's also known to be inconsistent on bribes - sometimes, no amount of coin will move her - at other times a mere token will suffice.

Harshal: Which must be endlessly frustrating for the people trying to bribe her.

Ys suggests we get in, disguised as delivery persons, and use the fact that she has a very small staff to our advantage. Nobody would be insane enough to break in in broad daylight, too. Zin suggests we deliver him in a box.

Harshal: 'Here's your delivery from Pervy Kobold-fanciers'?

The best time to break in is going to be when the cook and maid are out doing the shopping. If we're careful, they'll won't even know we were there. Although the staff do seem oddly subdued and covered-up whenever they leave the building.

Harshal: If the seneschal's level of preservation and the staff's behavior DOES add up to something, I'm not going to be the one that says 'I told you she was-'
GM: Why is 'Vampire' the first conclusion you guys leap to? Seriously, it must be the fourth time this campaign.

GM: They're not wearing wimples, they're wearing muffin-caps.
Gillert: Which are not the same thing as muffin-tops.

Zin is delivered, and waits in the box until the butler opens in the box, triggering the trap loaded with drow sleep potion. He drags him off to the closet, and discovers that the butler's belt is actually a cat-of-nine tails.

Harshal: Maybe you were right about the sex dungeon.

The rest of us get in through a window, cutting and Mending the glass as we go. We can hear somebody upstairs, which should be no problem unless they come looking for the butler in the closet.

Ys: Is it a Quasit Closet?

Zin sets a tripwire at the top of the basement stairs, just in case somebody finds the butler and they start hunting for us.

Ys: Everybody look for the secret doors.
GM: *rolls some dice* You have to wonder about Gillert sometimes... you find the hidden latch behind the hanging jerky.
Gillert: Well, I'm not useless at this kind of search.
GM: But Zin is supposed to be better.
Gillert: He was distracted by the jerky.

The access to the secret sub-basement is actually a shaft. Ys goes down, and discovers rails. And a flat-top cart. And manacles. And a shrine to the Reaper of Reputations. And a torture rack. And a blood spa.

Harshal OoC: Ah - Elizabeth Bathory.
GM: Yeah, except this actually works.
Ys: SQUEE.

Ys is very impressed by the arrangement, and the convenient corpse disposal off the cliffs and into the ocean. Ys is aware that the Reaper of Reputations is one if the multiple aspects of the evil god Norgorber, and has a good number of cult devotees in Magnimar.

Harshal: Ys, would I right in assuming that you are a devotee of one of these aforementioned aspects?
Ys: *looks innocent*
Gillert: This would not be a good time to complain about this.
GM: Right. If you object, Ys has everything she needs right here.

Ys suggests the rest of us leave - she'll stay and have a word with the Seneschal herself. After changing into a suitable outfit.

Gillert: This is creepy as f*ck.
Harshal: There are multiple ways events could proceed from here. I suspect it won't be 'The Seneshal mysteriously disappears'. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this.

A few hours later there's a commotion upstairs, and a little after that somebody drops a smoke grenade down the hole. Ys waits sitting on the edge of the bloodbath, and bows respectfully to the Seneschal when she appears with a crossbow.

Ys: Greetings, Mistress.
The Seneschal: You are trying to curry favour with me, calling me mistress without an introduction. This will not go well for you.
Ys: You are clearly high in the favour of the Master.
The Seneschal: Who are you?
Ys: The Shadow in the Shadows.
The Seneschal: That is who you wish to be. Who. Are. You.

Ys identifies herself, and the seneschal deduces much about the party's identity, and how carefully Ys has avoided the more bloody repercussions of this meeting by sending the rest of us on.

The Seneschal: Clever.
Ys: Thank you.

Ys also tells the seneschal who we're working for, and offers our services. She's not impressed - all the benefits are mere potential, and none immediate. Opening the bridge to exploration by adventurers still seems the work of a madwoman, even in the opinion of a secret murder-cultist. But then, she's a secret murder-cultist, not a reckless idiot. The status quo suits her, and the Council might actually approve the adventuring plan if she lets it go through. The seneschal is also going to need some really convincing reason, or a really good bribe, to let the proposal go through - especially since she's flatly and openly refused all bribe attempts regarding the proposal in the past. The need for this bribe to be publicly known rules out any of the stuff we stole, and Day-Z the Zombie Anthrax Cow. After all, more people will ask questions if the seneschal suddenly changes her mind for no apparent reason.

The Seneschal: One question - where is my butler?
Ys: The mahogany closet in the main hall.
Gillert: With his pants around his ankles.

We decide that melting down one of those platinum bars, and reforging some of it into, as Zin puts it, 'a piece of modern art in the Thassalonian style' should be an acceptable bribe. Our client doesn't argue the point.

Gillert: We're not getting paid for this gig, are we?
Ys: But we are setting up profit in the future.

We go one better - forging a 'genuine' Thassalonian art piece, but telling everybody in advance that 'of course it's a forgery, but it's a lovely example of how good some of these forgeries can be'. Our client even has an idea who can do the forgery for us.

Tikaria: Do you know Emelliandra Oberech by any chance?
Harshal: *cackles*
Tikaria: What's so funny?
Harshal: Yes, yes we know her.

And Emmeliandra is not only an expert on Thassalonian artefacts, she's also a sculptor. And the fake she produces for us is so incredibly good (a roll of 35 on a d20) that it's only her signature stamp on the underside that suggests it isn't the real thing. The 'Seven Virtues' (and a domino mask from Ys) is duly passed on to the seneschal, and the proposal passed on to the Council for discussion. Of course, now we have to make sure the vote passes in our favour - since we only took on this job on behalf on Iria, as a favour to Tikaria, bribing the Senschal, and all that, so we'll have a foot in the door in this whole adventurer-farming enterprise. It won't be easy - there's 115 people in the Council of Ushers. Harshal starts crafting an opinion piece to go into Parvo Crispin's newspaper, about how adventurers bring money and magical items into a city, after they've looted a dungeon somewhere. So anything that brings adventurers to Magnimar is a good thing.

Ys: And avoid any mention of murder-hobos.
GM: Thanks to guilds and the Pathfinder's Society, adventurers are considered valuable members of society. And even murder-hobos serve a purpose - they keep money in the hands of pretty people.

Thanks to Harshal's Convincing Lie talent, his legal argument, and combined with the cheapness of Crispin's broadsheet, our opinion vis-a-vis opening up the interior of bridge for dungeoneering becomes a very popular opinion indeed.

Harshal: Now we just need to be in position to milk every cent out of it when the vote passes.

And since Magnimar has no town charter per se, there's no need to put out the dungeoneering plans out for public tender.

There's a bit of a scare the next day, when an article by Crispin's firebrand assistant reveals just how much the PCs stand to personally profit from the adventurer-farm. Fortunately for us, the article is mostly about how much the city stands to profit - it might even be enough to reduce tax rates. Ys sends her some flowers in thanks, and the circulation of the paper explodes.

Harshal: We've positioned ourselves to ride the crest of this wave to fame and fortune. Although mostly fortune, because we don't want the fame.
GM: Tough - she's going to make sure you're famous.
Harshal: Ah well.
GM: The subtext is that you are the champions of the people.
Ys: *cackles*
GM: Because you're not part of the entrenched nobility, etc.

Harshal: So, overwhelmingly in favour of the Adventurer Farm?
GM: Let's not call it the Adventure Farm. Unless you start offering Adventur-cations.

Since voting against the proposal is increasing political suicide, the no-crowd start insisting on precautions, and the city getting first dibs on any items the adventurers bring out, and waivers and security bonds.

Harshal: *grinning* Such as these forms I drafted earlier?
No-crowd: And the gangs of Underbridge will need to be quelled.
Gillert: I was going to offer them a 5% cut if they just wracked off.

Gillert: I'm trying to argue from the grey areas, OK?
Ys: You're not grey anymore, you're heading down into the pitchest black.
Harshal: Not really - Gillert is the person we hold up whenever anybody accuses us of being evil. If we were evil, would somebody like Gillert hang around with us?
GM: Mostly hanging around out of fear.