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Darren Watts

Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

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One more...

 

A few weeks ago during the tail end of a D&D3.5 adventure in the Scarred Lands the characters were tracking a party of Slitheren (ratmen) south of the nation of Darakeene (if you don't know what i'm talking about, think Switzerland today mixed with Switzerland of a couple of centuries ago...large standing army, no one to fight, and forced neutrality...).

 

The party consists of 5 people, point bought stats, and many of them are fairly twinked out (at least as well as they could)...

 

We have an elven ranger, high skills, no charisma and no constitution (less HP than the friggin rogue :D )

 

A human Cleric of Drendari (goddess of shadow)

 

A human Paladin of Hedrada (Tyr analogue with waaaaay more personality IMO)

 

A human rogue who worships Drendari (constantly hits on the cleric...same player as Running Man from the previous story)

 

and last but not least, the personality of the group, the dumb-as-a-post half-orc barbarian (who worships Vangal the god of slaughter none the less and is constantly reigned in by the paladin...lots of fun there) named Shmir Bibil (making fun of the paladin) who has a tendency to crit with his great axe when he's been pumped to hell and back by the cleric...and raging (28 str...ugh...) at the worst possible moments for my story (like one hitting my BBEGiT THE VERY FIRST ROUND OF THE FIGHT!!! :mad: )

 

Anyway...they're heading southtrying to follow the ratmen's trail and I have them all make their search rolls to track the ratmen. Not a difficult roll, 10 or higher on a d20 not counting bonuses for high stats and skills, AND THEY ALL FAIL!

 

All except for the barbarian with his grand total of -2 to the roll...

 

Smir Bibil: "Hey guys...you missed it..."

 

He still hasn't let them live it down :D

 

Arandmoor

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More quotes from the Final Fantasy 7 Game

 

First, some background.

 

So, here we are, playing a Hero System version of Final Fantasy 7. We're playing original characters with what appears to be a slightly different plot line.

 

Characters -

 

Fahra - Possibly an Ancient, or at least infused with genetic material from one. Kinda quiet, but with an occasional mischievious side that peeks out. She is our summoner and can merge with her summons, rather like the main character from FF6.

 

Scar - A former Turk, and master of the Grammaton school of two-gun-fu. Asian, bald, wears a variant of the Turks blue suit. Master of security systems and electronics. A surprising amount of charisma for someone who doesn't really talk all that much.

 

Nina Scirocco - A native of the western desert regions. Our resident dark/red mage. Good with offensive magics. Particularly anything to do with the element of fire. Beautiful and exotic. Blonde hair and dark skin. Very VERY fast on her feet. Most likely member of the party to have someone look at her and say - "Aren't you cold, wearing that?"

 

Djinn - A chameleon, in both dress, body and personality. An expert at disguise and subterfuge. So good at her job we thought for sure she was a male until later when we visited a hot springs and she went over to the female side of the bamboo screen... A bit of a snarky, sarcastic personality. Hates Sephiroth with a passion - and won't say exactly why. She uses a whip primarily, although she seems capable of drawing almost anything from within the folds of her cloak. And I do mean ANYTHING.

 

Jason Sikorski - Expert pilot and weaponsmith for the party. Carries a large blade with an integral six-shot gun along the spine of the blade. Dark hair, grey eyes. Wears a leather bomber jacket and goggles. Calm and cool, almost laconic. Except when it comes to talking "tech" on the subject of either weapons or airframe design with someone else who understands these things. He's modified and improved the party's weaponry on at least two separate occasions when they found the resources and materials. Idolizes his uncle Cid Highwind and wants to design his own airship. Cid let him acquire his latest airship, the "Blackjack", for the party's quest. (If you've played FF6, you should know what it looks like.) He's also turned into the more or less default leader of the group.

 

Tifa, Barret and Red XIII are supporting characters (NPCs) in the party.

 

Anyway. One of our players has been documenting all the various quotes over the last few weeks, and I thought I'd share. They're probably more fun out of context. Heh.

 

And some of them are in character. But a lot of them are just the players bullshitting and trading jokes and double-entendres.

 

So here we go!

 

==========

 

"The landing is definitely bumpy, and everyone gets jostled around some, but you get down okay."

 

"Can I make a roll to see if I land anywhere fanservicey?"

 

"Roll a d6."

 

"Dammit! 1! #@##!"

 

"No, you don't. Well, actually, you get fanservice, but it's Barret."

 

"OH MY GOD! HOW DOES HE WALK?! MY -GOD-! HE'S STILL GOT TWO GOOD ARMS LEFT!! SWEET MERCIFUL LORD! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!! (He hides behind Tifa.) Get awaaay! Shoo!"

 

==========

 

"So if we land it there, it's gonna be rough."

 

"Yeah, and if we go to Junon, we get shot. We left Rufus stranded at the mines, and I bet he wasn't pleased."

 

"Yeah, but if we put down in that clearing, the plane's never lifting off again."

 

"Between a rough landing and a pissed-off Rufus Shinra, I know what I'd pick!"

 

==========

 

[The party is in a shack, trying to figure out how to escape without being attacked by the large group of Shinra guards outside.]

"Well, we could send Tifa out and she could flash them, and while they're distracted by the blood gushing from their noses..."

 

"You don't even finish your sentence before she slaps you."

 

==========

 

"I don't know why we haven't ditched you already!"

 

"Yeah, that's really meaningful from you, Ms. Run-and-hide-behind-a-tree."

 

==========

 

"I made my disguise roll by one."

 

"So, yeah, okay, you make a decent Sephiroth. You're suddenly a whole lot taller and an asshole."

 

==========

 

"I missed the opportunity to see someone's panties AGAIN?! Dammit!"

 

==========

 

"So, since I probably have greater presence after that resounding destruction of the mecha, I'm gonna do a presence attack, running at them and screaming."

 

"Ah! The Han Solo Maneuver!"

 

==========

 

[something you really don't want to hear the GM say, especially after one vehicle-related accident already:]

 

"Did you remember to check the plane's fuel gauge?"

 

==========

 

[Close after, in reference to the previous accident, wherein our intrepid pilot didn't notice a helicopter was missing its rear rotor assembly (we were in a very great hurry, and being shot at, a leisurely walk-around of the vehicle was out of the question):]

 

"Great, right about now we're going to start spinning again, aren't we?"

 

==========

 

"That materia better be a NATURAL yellow!"

 

==========

 

"So Jason, being covered in Midgar Zolem blood and swamp water, kind of pauses and tugs at his collar, going "Whew! And I thought they smelled bad on the OUTside!'"

 

==========

 

"So, you see a horrible sight... one of the Midgar Zolems, shoved down on this big flagpole outside the mine, and basically gutted."

 

"After the crap that one in the swamp just now gave us, this is a HORRIBLE sight?"

 

==========

 

"Yes, your presence attacks have definitely caused the Midgar Zolem to notice you. This is not particularly a good thing."

 

==========

 

"I'm not con-stunned anymore! Put me down!"

 

==========

 

"The fight so big, we needed two weeks to prepare for it!" [The previous session was canceled on account of sickness.]

 

==========

 

"Can I get 'Respect' as a character skill? How many points to buy that?"

 

"No."

 

"Man, I'm never gonna get any Respect."

 

==========

 

"It belongs to Shinra! Let's blow it up!"

 

More than one player: "NO!"

 

==========

 

"I predict our visit to Junon will wind up with me in drag again. In fact, I strongly suspect that I will be required to seduce Rufus Shinra. This is not a premonition... it's a mission statement."

 

==========

 

"The bathroom is a horrible mess. It's basically a port-a-potty."

 

"I'll take care of this. Restore! Restore! Restore!"

 

==========

 

"The last time we slept in a Shinra installation, it turned out bad."

 

"Yeah, but it also means we got this plane!"

 

"SHUT! UP!"

 

==========

 

"So, since Fahra has merged with Ifrit, a fire summon, Nina should have a greater affinity with her, since she's got a Fire element."

 

"Ya! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! ENTERTAINING thoughts, but bad! Entertaining but bad thoughts!"

 

==========

 

"So he looks at Barret and says, 'Does that thing have any other attachments?'"

 

"... Just a minute..."

 

==========

 

"The Gelinka cargo planes, luckily, have a lot of rings and hooks to attach stuff to."

 

"I could be very happy here!"

 

==========

 

"I can pilot it, sure!"

 

"You said that about the helicopter, too."

 

"Well, yeah, but that was much more complicated."

 

"Yes, the fact that you can only use simple stuff really makes us more inclined to put our lives in your hands..."

 

==========

 

"Sephiroth said he went to 'talk' to Rufus, but I doubt that's what he means, since I don't think he really does the 't-word', unless it's followed by '-erminate'."

 

"... ... OH! Oh, okay. I was kinda weird there, thinking 'talkermitate, what's that?'"

 

"It's when Sephiroth shoves his hand up the ass of a green felt puppet to talk with. 'Rufus, I'm very disappointed in you!'"

 

==========

 

"Sephiroth's down there, we could-"

 

"Shoot him in the head!"

 

"... try talking to him."

 

"And THEN shoot him in the head!"

 

==========

 

Yuffie: "YOU! YOU NEVER WRITE! YOU NEVER CALL! YOU JUST LEFT! I'VE GOT YOU NOW, YOU LOUSY, ROTTEN EXCUSE FOR A BOYFRIEND!"

 

We all turn and LOOK at Djinn.

 

"... I just turn and start beating my head against a tree..."

 

(It should be stated that at this point, we STILL weren't sure of Djinn's gender. And this didn't help the confusion any...)

 

==========

 

"The stuff that was stolen... was it shiny?"

 

"Everything was."

 

"Someone is stealing -shiny things-!"

 

"I DIDN'T DO IT!"

 

==========

 

"We'll need to bait the trap with something shiny..."

 

"NO! You can't have any of my shiny things! They're MY shiny things! Mine!"

 

"My preciousssss..."

 

==========

 

"Since you ALL botched your perception roles, you wake up and you've been robbed blind. All your materia's gone, and Djinn's missing his last pair of clean underwear."

 

"GOD NO! NO! MY SATIN THONG!"

 

"Oh dear lord it was a shiny thing!"

 

==========

 

[GM RPing a little girl in a coastal village]

 

"Since I lost my whistle, it's not as easy to play with Mr. Dolphin... NOT LIKE THAT, PEOPLE."

 

==========

 

"And so, as you come out, you spot the Bouncy Trio, I mean, the girls..."

 

"Yes. What we have here is Medium, Large, and Family Size."

 

==========

 

"Magical Office Lady Transformatiooon!"

 

==========

 

"Curatives now come in four sizes: Potion, Hi-Potion, X-Potion, and Barret's..."

 

"AHEM!!!"

 

==========

 

"The good news is you have plenty of Shinra rations. The bad news is they make Barret gassy."

 

==========

 

"What's WRONG with Shinra rations?!"

 

"Trust us, Barret, they're helping to destroy the planet. -Through you-."

 

==========

 

"I've got Red XIII hooked on candy! Soon he will be mine to toy vith!"

 

"... Dude, just... no."

 

"I just like saying that." ^.^

 

"With the French accent and all?"

 

"Eet's like wiping your ass weeth silk..."

 

==========

 

"And Tifa says 'I am NEVER having children!'"

 

"Now there's a crying shame, right there."

 

==========

 

"I still say we should blow the Gelinka up."

 

"-No-. There's -no reason-."

 

"Shinra could come back and get it!"

 

"They've got plenty, they won't care."

 

"I WANNA SEE AN EXPLOSION DAMMIT!"

 

==========

 

"And so, you see Junon, with its giant cannon."

 

"Do you think Shinra's compensating for something?"

 

==========

 

"Consider that Scarlet's the one in charge of that thing..."

 

"Caliber envy."

 

==========

 

"Boy, I bet that thing would blow the head clean off a giant sea monster!"

 

==========

 

"I want to see an explosion! I just don't want to be at the CENTER of it!"

 

==========

 

"And a giant tentacle tears its way down from above..."

 

"Quick! Hide the schoolgirls!"

 

==========

 

"You do realize that trying to kill Sephiroth would most likely result in the sinking of this ship?"

 

"There are _probably_ lifeboats!"

 

==========

 

[Talking to a local Shinra Guard]

"It's sort of a catch-22... I can't go off duty because I don't have my keycard, and I can't leave my station to go look for it."

 

"How long have you been on duty?!"

 

"Ten hours. ... I need to go to the bathroom REALLY bad..."

 

==========

 

"So Nina's off just trying not to puke..."

 

"Looook, Nina! I got you some stuff from the galley! Greasy bacon, a big pile of scrambled eggs, sausage...!"

 

"... HUAAAARG!!"

 

"Nina, roll to hit. He was asking for that."

 

==========

 

"That'll hit."

 

"Wow, thanks, Djinn! I feel sooo much better now!"

 

"Yeah. You're welcome. To show how welcome you are, here's a big hug!"

 

===========

 

"NO MORE HELICOPTERS FOR YOU!"

 

==========

 

"May I remind you you haven't actually LANDED either of the last two vehicles you've piloted?!"

 

"Well... the Highwind doesn't really -land-, per se, anyway..."

 

==========

 

"Djinn -could- be a girl! A girl with an intense interest in Tifa's breasts, sure, but then, who doesn't have that?"

 

==========

 

[Djinn hands Tifa a roll of binding tape while the group is disguising themselves as sailors.]

 

"Well, this hurts a lot, but at least the shirt's more comfortable, now!"

 

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

 

"... What?"

 

"... Nothing!"

 

==========

 

"Red? Your species made the cave paintings, right?"

 

"That's what my mother said, yes."

 

"... HOW?!"

 

(Red XIII is a quadruped creature with no hands. Kinda looks like a cross between a Wolf and Lion.)

==========

 

[While Djinn is busy writing a letter.]

"And Barret's all 'We still gotta stop the Shinra!' He's waving his hands around wildly and shouting 'They're still tearin' shit up and messin' up the planet!'"

 

"'The large black man continues to be excessively loud...'"

 

==========

 

[After a party member has learned Cid, his uncle, may have been taken captive by Wutai]

 

"Don't worry, Jason! Those stories of Wutaians torturing captives are SLIGHTLY exaggerated!"

 

"Somehow, I am not reassured."

 

==========

 

"Worse yet, Yuffie's BROTHER has a thing for you, too. Thinks he's a girl, and has sent him flowers for the last four Valentine's days. In fact, there's probably some poor delivery guy sap wandering around Midgar right now."

 

"Oh lord."

 

"But then, her brother's got a kind of screwed-up gender sense anyway. He calls Yuffie his little brother."

 

==========

 

"That was Yuffie Kisaragi. Her family's pretty much the royalty of Wutai."

 

"That's your royalty? No wonder you're such a royal pain."

 

==========

 

"Our country's kind of poor, but they're still the richest people around. So that might have offered some incentive... IF SHE WASN'T SO ****ing NUTS!! ... That and the fact she'd probably have to share me with her brother."

 

"I think we've heard enough of this story..."

 

==========

 

"I had the Family Size Fun Bags!"

 

==========

 

"Don't worry, WE wouldn't leave you to die in the desert without at least telling you first!"

 

==========

 

"Welcome to the Fellowship of the Damned. Our medical coverage sucks, but you get dental. Barret has an attachment for that."

 

==========

 

"Is he dead...?"

 

"No."

 

"Kill 'im."

 

==========

 

"After touching the screen, you have fingerless gloves. You didn't, before."

 

==========

 

"You LOST our SUMMONER?!"

 

==========

 

"You made her trip and fall in some hole?!"

 

"I didn't -make- her do anything, she did it perfectly fine on her own."

 

==========

 

"Okay, so touching the Leviathan Token, it feels like sticking your hand in cold water." *makes motion of reaching up and touching something to other player's forehead* "Brainfreeze."

 

==========

 

"So, as you hold the token out in front of you, the flames SWEEP apart."

 

"I TOLD YOU TO LET MY PEOPLE GO!"

 

==========

 

"First lesson of life in Wutai. Do not cause a ruckus in a bar where the bouncer is a former sumo wrestler."

 

==========

 

Cid: "It's a great ship!"

 

"Yeah, hope the bottom doesn't scrape off like the Tiny Bronco's did that time you crashed it, Jason!"

 

"..."

 

Cid: "YOU DID -WHAT-?!!?!?!"

 

==========

 

In Wutai, we also met up with Momo, Yuffie's cousin who has adopted my character Djinn as a "big brother".

 

"Those god damn Shinra!"

 

"Djinn claps his hands over Momo's ears."

 

"Those god damn jerks and their bleep bleepin' bleep bleep!"

 

"Would somebody SHUT HIM UP, PLEASE?!?!?!"

 

==========

 

"Can we please not piss off Godo at -us-? I really don't want to get kicked out of my own country yet."

 

"... Yet?"

 

"There may come a time when there will be something worth getting banned from my homeland over. This ain't it."

 

==========

 

"What if it was getting banned to get Sephiroth?"

 

"Kill Sephiroth, yes. Chase Sephiroth, no."

 

==========

 

"So you walk into the pagoda, and eventually find Godo in the garden. He's sitting on a stone in the middle of the pond, with a scroll in hand, looking deep in contemplation. ... After a moment, you hear, 'zzzz, zzz...'"

 

"Okay, Scar leans down to pick up a rock and-"

 

"NO."

 

==========

 

"You know, it might have been nice to find out from her who the bad guys WERE..."

 

"Who cares?! Let's just go kick their asses!"

 

"And you were ragging on -me-?"

 

"YOU WERE GONNA THROW A ROCK AT HIM!!"

 

==========

 

"Okay, I'll take the left side."

 

"And perhaps the only time in Logan's life we'll hear him say THOSE words..."

 

==========

 

"Well, we already took the left path. This time let's go right. We'll be more Centrist."

 

==========

 

"He's Kuno to Djinn's Ranma."

 

"He's Amelia to Yuffie's Lina."

 

==========

 

"Wow. You actually managed to land a vehicle we were riding in -normally-."

 

"Oh, shut up."

 

By the way, our current tally of vehicles:

 

Helicopter - Was missing rear rotor assembly. Crashed.

 

Gelinka (Cargo Plane) - Beached somewhere outside of Junon. Low on fuel. (We may use it for something later, as it's in perfectly good shape otherwise.)

 

Sea tanker - Crushed by Jenova monster, sank.

 

Dune buggy - Cannibalized interior for metal to sell. Still working okay, if uglier. Left in Rocket Town.

 

Tiny Bronco (Gyroplane) - Crashed the everliving hell out of it. Repaired. Actually landed normally outside of Wutai. Hooray.

 

Blackjack (Airship) We've actually managed to hang on to this one and make it our base of operations. Sephiroth stole it once. But the steering gear was wrecked and he crashed it. We repaied it and it's now in good shape again. We've even added weapons to it in the form of a large deck gun and some missiles.

 

==========

 

"You both wake up halfway back to the Blackjack, feeling like you've been five sheets to the wind recently."

 

"More like that one preview for Troy..."

 

==========

 

"Kess, you wake up with a fuzzy taste in your mouth and vague memories of Djinn cracking her whip and shouting 'Call me queen!'"

 

"Oh lord."

 

(I would like it noted, it was the GM who stated Kess' booze-addled memory.)

 

==========

 

"So, this dragon, it-"

 

"Breathes fire."

 

"Right. All I needed to know."

 

==========

 

"So, in a friendly way, still from concealment, I say, 'Now, Smokey-'"

 

*giant groans and protests from the other players*

 

"What? I named the dragon, so what?"

 

==========

 

"'I am the spider-killer, and the barrel rider!'"

 

==========

 

"'This home! You go now or be...' and you see him trying to think very hard of the word... '... food.'"

 

"Right. We'll just be going."

 

==========

 

"Um, do you mind if we use that elevator?"

 

"... Leave faster?"

 

"Much."

 

"*grunt*"

 

(I might add that we actually ROLE-PLAYED a conversation with a dragon and TALKED our way out of the situation! I consider that something of a notable accomplishment.)

==========

 

"So, you go to the hot springs."

 

"o/` Naked women, ICE cold beer!"

 

==========

 

"Um, boys! Sound travels over water!"

 

"We're too drunk to care!"

 

==========

 

"And Djinn, in the auxiliary control room, you realize that everything's tilted and think 'Hmmm, that's not right.' You kind of have to walk lopsided."

 

"That's okay, I'll just, like, pad this one side, sort of balance myself out."

 

==========

 

"She screams and goes running off into the city."

 

"What did you DO, Jason?"

 

"I was, um, just trying not to startle her."

 

"Worked out real well, huh?"

 

==========

 

"Well, since I'm the cook, I'll check the kitchen."

 

"Someone's raided the fridge. It's -cleaned out-."

 

"MOTHER&*#@!#ER!"

 

==========

 

"There's so little food left in there, the cockroaches are bitching."

 

==========

 

"A famous phrase comes to mind. And that phrase is...?"

 

"'Whip it, whip it good'?"

 

==========

 

"You see a lot of fragments of nonworking materia."

 

"Which are the shiniest?"

 

==========

 

"Uh-oh, trouble."

 

"This is where we start spinning again, right?"

 

==========

 

"Look, if it involves stealing something or blowing something up, it's good with me."

 

==========

 

"One of the craziest rumors is that there's a city on the moon!"

 

"That's true."

 

"Oh."

 

==========

 

"It looks like a giant hand. Anyone know what that looks like?"

*entire party simultaneously raises their hand*

 

==========

 

"That was where I fell down the hole, remember?"

 

"Summoner go down the hoooole..."

 

==========

 

"They're referred to as 'the enemy'! They must be scary!"

 

"Actually, we know one."

 

"Really? Is he scary?"

 

==========

 

"Hello? Anyone in here?"

 

"Don't be alarmed, we's Asians!"

 

==========

 

"Someone should tell that woman she's naked."

 

==========

 

"Smokey's a very old dragon."

 

"Oops. Hope the sugar doesn't hurt him."

 

==========

 

"I can so see Sephiroth as that Cats guy. 'How are you Shinra? All your bishonen are belong to us. You are on the way to yaoi. Your anal virginity has no chance to survive, make your time. Ha-ha-ha-ha.'"

 

==========

 

"Metagaming skill, bribe GM."

 

"Behold, the power of cheese... popcorn."

 

==========

 

"Metagaming skill, threaten player. Gimme the cheese popcorn. ... Please."

 

==========

 

"Well, the pile of bones kind of gives us a hint of the dragon's disposition."

 

==========

 

"Yes, your limit breaks are charged."

 

"Ooooo, I'm gonna need more dice!"

 

==========

 

"Um, Jason... seems that Sephiroth crashed the Blackjack."

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!"

 

"And, for just a moment, Jason is wearing a yellow shirt with a black zig-zag line on it."

 

==========

 

"Hey! What's all the-... oh. Um. Oh. ... That'll buff right out!"

 

==========

 

"So I put my horn in the little hole and I see all that as a vision?"

 

"I'm so glad we got the plug-and-play Summoner..."

 

==========

 

"You're squatting on something hard and stone and something is clutched between your legs."

 

"..." *player curls in on themselves in their attempts to neither kill themselves laughing or make a thousand dirty jokes at once*

 

==========

 

"You realize that the Blackjack has come to rest atop this statue's head, and that you're crouched on its nose."

 

"... I'm sitting on his face?!"

 

*rest of the group bursts out singing, in perfect unison* "Sit on my faaaace, and tell me that you love meeee!"

 

==========

 

"Put your thing in." (In reference to the Summoner's forehead crystal horn, which has shown to be a key to some locks.)

 

==========

 

"Can I make a seduction roll against Odin?"

 

==========

 

More quotes later. This pretty much catches us up to date as we stand. :D

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Off color warning

 

This one's off color, for those easily offended.

 

(are they gone? OK...)

 

This took place in a Hackmaster module based on the old first D&D beginning adventure I remember buying/having - the title is "Quest for the Unknown". I was making conversions on the fly, as this is the second game with the group and I'm still getting the feel for the characters and what they can handle.

 

Anyway, the characters enter a cavern with piercers in it (stalactite-like creatures whose only real attack is to fall on people, basically). I make it so that two attacks happen for each character, with a couple left over for the next phase. If the players live, they basically can kill them at their leisure, but they don't know it. After what happened, they ran, so it saved a bit of boring "roll, it's dead".

 

I roll for one characters danger sense and she makes it. Having only 10 Body (new to the system, but she was going to buy more with experience - her choice), she decides to dodge when she sees what's happening. Nobody else can react. The first two characters, a human male and winged elf female are both missed completely. The male dragon-blooded human pc is missed, then gets hit ... in the #13 - the vitals. A few comments came out, but since I rolled 1 body damage, we guessed he walked into one ("Leading with your [insert euphamism here], huh?" "You must be proud to stick out that far!" ). The next character was the elf with the danger sense. For her first attack, I rolled a 4. Then for location - 13 again. Then damage - 6 Body!

 

I couldn't stop laughing - comments such as the following flew -

 

"What were you doing? Cartwheels?"

"Virgin no more"

"I'll apply the healing!"

"Was it good for you?"

"Some people like getting pierced down there"

 

and my favorite - (cause it came from me)

 

"You should be used to bleeding down there"

 

Actually, many comments came from me. It's our sense of humor (the fifth comment came from the player of the character - my niece, btw). For the record, the group is half male and half female, and we've been doing this for many many years, so it's not as bad as it may sound. I didn't even get hit (this time). I think she was glad to actually live (the last campaign she lost two characters, one by being turned to stone and used to anchor a rope, the other to some kind of flame spell - introduction to death in under 30 minutes real time, fastest PC death yet). I was almost sad - it would have been the Most Embarrassing Character Death I've personally seen.

 

After that, you can see why the cavern of groin seeking piercers was avoided the rest of the adventure.

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I have one quote and one non-quote (as it were) from my last Champions game ...

 

Foxbat and a cobbled-together team (Exoskeleton Man, Hummingbird, Tachyon and Riptide) are attacking a science fiction convention where Patrick Stewart and a few others were featured speakers; on the stage during Stewart's speech was the TNG Enterprise transporter room. Foxbat wants to steal it, because that means he can simply beam into any place on Earth to rob it (yes, Tachyon can do this for him ... but let's not get technical).

 

When Tachyon is asked why they're there, and he tells the heroes why, the PC asks "Is he really that stupid?" Tachyon's response? "Foxbat's not stupid, he's crazy. There's a difference."

 

During the fight, Foxbat starts to work the console when the fight goes south for his team, and as I predicted, our triggerhappy member of the team took a shot at him, and hit the console. Foxbat goes flying back, onto the console ... and vanishes in a blue transporter effect.

 

All my players went dead silent for almost three minutes. If this were a video game, the text box would read "..." I was so proud of me ... they never saw it coming.

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the charaters (very high powered campaign):

Dr. Faust - the gadgeteer, firey little redhead, also the groups "leader" as she has buckets of healing/AID so can come back from the inevitable damage she gets from standing in the front.

 

Molly - speed/brick, and hyper senses. {the PC plays with us over the phone, or if his computer is working a VoIP connection}

 

Koh Rin - time manipulation, the only one with any sense of restraint. [Newest in the group, and her character is showing signs of cracking..]

 

Sarah - invisiblity, massive RKA. the ranged character.

 

[from an earlier session and mostly unrelated:

Sarah: "OK, I knock on the door, and when they open the door, I throw in the grenade...."

GM: "Despite your best efforts, this is not a Warner Brothers cartoon."

this was the groups plan after nearly an hour of planning to assault this one room.]

 

The setup: The group is a dismension hopping outfit at this point bent on either saving their Earth or destroying it (if we can't have, can't no one have it). So far we've managed to stick to option 1. Demonic Hordes are invading. They end up in a dimension with no working tech (things tech just don't work at all). We have orc like creatures and werewolves on our side vs Demons on their side. We're trying to take their main citadel which has the gate they use to get to this dimension - we shut off the gate we win this dimension which was being used to manufature tech for use in other dimensions (tech doesn't work here, but can be made here). This dimension is essentially a weapons plant. The citabel is the classic "On the high point, one approach the backside overlooks the sea" kind of thing.

 

We need seige weapons, but have no time to build them. We do have Rocs, but no rocks (ha!) .. this happens:

 

GM, beginning the evening's adventure in the dimension with no tech: "Blackmane pulls up the map on her computer screen..."

Sarah's PC: "And we beat the GM to death."

GM: "No, she's pretty much doing it on a piece of sand."

Sarah's PC: "A piece of sand?"

GM: "Yes, a piece of sand..."

Koh's PC: "Just one? A very small one?"

GM: "I give up!"

[should have been a sign of things to come]

 

later:

GM as Blackmane [Werewolf Pack Leader]: "This is the main citadel, we're not sure what's there..."

Koh Rin: "Tofu!"

Blackmane: "Um... yes, there might be tofu. This is the sea citadel..."

Molly's PC: "As opposed to the Double D citadel"

GM: "I'm going to kill you all."

[he makes a good effort..]

 

later still:

We know Demons eat raw meat, we have cows on hand .. someone suggests using them as bombs, drop cow and the large animal may take out a demon and the others (some demons being stupid) will start eating the meat in a blood frenzy.

at some point:

Sarah's PC: "Flaming F*cking Cows." .. downhill from here.

Now we decide to light them on fire, and bless them (Dr. Faust is a religious type and demons burn when holy objects touch them). then:

 

Koh: "We can slit their throats first so we don't feel guilty about causing the cows pain when we drop them."

Dr. Faust: "Then they would be quieter."

Koh: "Yeah! Stealth cows!"

--

Proving to the GM that at times the game is in fact a Warner Bros. Cartoon.

 

We won the battle.

Other points of note from that series of sessions:

Regarding the plan to fly in on rocs for an arial invasion:

Molly: "OK, get me a big bird."

Dr. Fausts PC: *giggle*

Koh's PC: Looks at Kait - *giggle* "OK, now I'm picturing this big yellow bird out of Sesame Street..."

Dr. Faust's PC: *busts up laughing*

 

The group is half women and half men. By some random fluke this game had all female PCs.. this almost never happens.

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I recently dug out a spiral notebook detailing some notes about my old Phenomena Department game.

 

(See: http://surbrook.devermore.net/pdepartment/pdepartment.html)

 

The players consisted of a close friend of mine, his daughter, the daughter's (then) boyfriend, and a mutial friend of the latter two. The cast was as follows:

 

Mack Williams -- Black ex-op from New York. Played by the father.

 

Lin Foo Wong -- Blue-skinned and white-haired Chinese ghost.

 

Alexander Maximilian -- Slightly stuff English sorcerer.

 

Yuki Hari -- Japanese swordswoman and monster hunter.

 

The initial run was cribbed directly from the Hellboy story "The Corpse." No one else had read it (which is why I used it). The PCs had to bury a corpse before dawn (in a Christian grave) in order to recover a kidnapped child. Mack received +1 XP for basically giving me Hellboy's line (to the corpse) of "You're dead, what do you need gold for?" when the corpse argued the PCs should try and recover a cache of gold from under a bounding stone.

 

The next run hast he team up against toxic waste mud monsters. Leading too:

 

Sheriff Platt: What does he [Alexander] want road flares for?

Lin Foo Wong: He's British.

 

Later on the team went to Japan...

 

Lin Foo Wong (to Yuki Hari upon seeing the 9' tall oni): Try negotiation.

 

Yuki's player garnered +1 XP for the following:

 

"Shut up, I'm being cinematic!"

 

She also had:

 

"Goal for next time: kill more stuff."

 

And (I think) the following was said about Alexander:

 

"Special as in 'mommy thinks I'm special'."

 

Then comes the following set of lines that have no ready context.

 

Lin Foo Wong's player: Can we skip the never-ending taunting and get to the fighting?

 

GM (me): Gotta pay for that Phys Lim: Dead some how.

 

Alexander's player: That's the blood loss talking.

 

Belinda's [new] player: My god! She turned into dandruff!

 

IIRC, the last line was said about Mara the Ice Demoness upon assuming her desolid form as a cloud of ice crystals.

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Originally posted by tengu

Note: You would have needed to have seen episodes from the second series of Coupling... the British version, not the American attempt.

 

(Quoted from an episode of Coupling, as stated earlier. Good show, mind you.)

No. Terrible show.

 

And I'd be inclined to call the original British version "an attempt," as well. Blecch.

 

Anyway-- gaming quotes. Alright.

 

I'm running Return to the Tomb of Horrors in regular ol' 2nd Ed. AD&D some years ago. The party comes upon an underling of Acererak's they want to question, but she's not being cooperative.

 

Mike, playing a cleric, is leafing through Tome of Magic. "Aha!" he exclaims. "I cast Thought Broadcast on her."

 

Thought Broadcast is a wacky, goofy spell that lets everyone but the target in a 30' radius hear the target's thoughts. She fails her save, and the Thought Broadcast is on.

 

"Where's the entrance to Acererak's pocket dimension?" he asks.

 

"Ha!" she sneers. "I'll never tell you fools!"

 

But in addition to this, the party hears her thoughts: "It's a good thing they don't know it's up the stairs and to the left! I'd never betray my master by leading them straight to him!"

 

"What's his plan?" they ask, and again she's outwardly defiant, but telepathically compliant: "He's harvesting souls to dominate the Negative Material Plane!"

 

And so on.

 

Needless to say, they learned everything they wanted to know (and more). That game was chock full of scenes like that.

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Guest WhammeWhamme

From OTE on Tuesday:

 

"Not another Fat roll!"

 

"You make your 'Get in Ma Belly' Roll."

 

"People are wondering why half the beach looks bare and rocky."

(later)

"I drop all the sand I stole'

 

"I pull out suckercups and climb to the top [of the Street-Turned-Into-A-Mirror]."

"I walk up the sidewalk."

 

"Vot are you doink on the Banana Plantation of the Fourth Reich"

 

'I toss an exploding banana to the Nazi'

 

"Ah! Food rations. The food on the front lines was so terrible, we ate these." (the Nazi eats the grenade I just threw at him, as it turns out I didn't have an exploding banana...)

 

"I salute the Nazi's and slip nose plugs I palmed into my nose in the same gesture"

"You have no nose plugs... you do pull out two champagne corks. Going to use them?"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures."

"I steal the funny looking nose plugs"

 

 

Okay, it was a comedy game. That is STILL damn funny. :)

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I could have killed my players for this one:

 

They are investigating a series of thefts, the evidence leads into a old ratty apartment, the Martial Artist breaks open the door where a guy who was going to be there for ONE game was there, I expected a slight little PvP fight (As both are overconfident pricks) instead the MA says the following line from a movie called gamers

 

"You look trustful, come join us"

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Finally, I can contribute! This is from an AD&D campaign (2nd edition; 3rd sucks). All four PCs are elves; the DM threw in a half-ogre for 'balance.' The campaign isn't too old; we're 2nd-3rd level characters.

 

We arrive on an island in search of some skeletons. After dealing with an ambush of kobolds and skeletons, the DM asks what we're doing. "We're going to the trees."

 

DM: Are you walking, running, what?

 

Dannelar (priest of Corellon, my character): Crawling.

 

Sylca (fighter/mage): Leapfrogging with Prysm! (the bladesinger)

 

Dalziel (mage/thief): I'm belly-dancing.

 

DM: Well, Ogg (half-ogre) is taking the boat. When you can swim, come talk to him.

 

Me: Well, what did you expect? We're all elves. We're frolicking.

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More quotes from last Saturday's session of the Final Fantasy 7 game --

 

==========

 

"That was the last thing I remember of that day. I woke up a few days later in a little town..."

 

"Did you have a traffic cone with you?"

 

==========

 

"Sephiroth wasn't mad. Just disappointed."

 

==========

 

"The summon didn't like me."

"... Didn't like you?"

"Yeah."

"... It's a rock with a monster in it."

"They have -feelings-."

"... ... It's a -rock-."

 

==========

 

"Talking to Sephiroth was like talking to a brick wall."

"Yeah, a brick wall that's an asshole."

"Well, he was nice to ME."

 

==========

 

"We got lots of help from a girl named 'Yuffie'!"

"... I'm gonna whip that girl's ass."

 

==========

 

"So why does Hojo keep Vincent around, anyway?"

"*cough*keptboy*cough*keptboy*cough*"

 

==========

 

"Jason's just got this theory that Vincent is this prototype that Hojo uses-"

"*snort*"

"-Not- like -that-! ... Well, that's not what I -meant-, but..."

 

==========

 

"Sooo many objects that could be stuck in the orifices of a snarky GM..."

GM's wife: "I have a few!" ^.^

 

==========

 

"Especially that part with Diamond Weapon stomping across the land."

"o/` Up from the depths, thirty stories high!"o/`

"STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"

 

==========

 

"Do not poke the Weapon!"

 

==========

 

"Djinn wandered off to the side during this, and now returns, wearing a t-shirt that says 'I got boned at Bone Village'. Visited the souvenier shop."

 

==========

 

"From the looks on your faces... did he owe you money or something?"

"More like a pound of flesh. From somewhere vital."

 

==========

 

"I like to tell stories 'bout the barrier 'round North Crater!"

"That's gone now."

"Really!"

"Yeah."

"Guess I have a new story to tell!"

 

==========

 

"She came out with two little girls?"

"Yeah!"

"And was a strange woman?"

"Yeah!"

"Must run in the family."

 

==========

 

"Well, another day, another quest where all the other attempters have wound up dead. 'Bout typical for us."

 

==========

 

"No one ever said anyone DIED..."

"They went in the forest and didn't come out! I don't think they went in and said 'Oh my, what a lovely place for a cottage!'"

 

==========

 

"The fog itself is a magical effect..."

"Okay, who put on their Fog Hat?"

(GROAN)

 

==========

 

"It doesn't have anything that would make, like, a loud warning sound?"

"It has a machine gun..."

 

==========

 

"Save versus dropped anchors."

 

==========

 

"I'll go right."

"You're with Jason, then."

"Djinn's with Jason? That'll make some interesting-looking kids."

 

==========

 

"I need to edit my mental images. Someone hand me a fork."

 

==========

 

"TIME TO MAKE WITH THE KILLING!"

 

==========

 

"What's this all about, Sephiroth?!"

"Revenge."

"WHAT A COINCIDENCE!"

 

==========

 

"Who is Jenova?"

"Mother. Creator. God."

"Bitch."

 

==========

 

"Nina's limit break summons a huge sandworm to attack the lich!"

"YOU BROKE INTO THE WRONG DAMN REC ROOM, DIDN'CHA?!?!?!"

 

==========

 

"I'd appreciate never being mistaken for Sephiroth AGAIN."

 

==========

 

"It's the ominous ring of land!"

 

==========

 

"You've heard of crop circles? These are Weapon circles."

"M. Night Shyamalan's next movie. Mel Gibson plays Cloud Strife."

"With Danny Glover as Barret!"

 

==========

 

"You see a sword plunged into a stone."

"Anyone got a scraggly blonde would-be king handy?"

 

==========

 

"If you want me to serve you, you must trade with me."

"... I think he's propositioning you."

"My cost is quite high, little summoner!"

"... I REALLY think he's propositioning you!"

 

==========

 

"Question!"

"Yes?"

"What's a spirit need with gold?"

"What's a woman need with love?"

"I dunno. ... Misogynist!"

 

==========

 

"AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! And he fades out."

"Such a cheerful fellow. I look forward to working with him."

 

==========

 

"Y'know... if I find out, when we go to the moon, that these warriors we have to fight are wearing miniskirts..."

 

==========

 

"You just wanna work with a guy that has eight hands."

"It's four hands. That way it's four-play."

 

==========

 

"Does that mean that Gilgamesh is basically just the ultimate lawn gnome?"

 

==========

 

*to dice, after prior voice has been compared to the Joe Cartoon hamster* "Back to Saddam's ass with you!"

 

==========

 

More quotes next week? Maaybe...

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To understand this quote (in context), you have to understand the character I was playing at the time. Ghost Sniper, she's the professional's professional, gal you send you send out when you need someone killed and done right. Calm, polite, and deadly. Scares the hell out of Scorpia. That sort of gal.

 

During a game, the team was going through New York to find a kidnapped girl, and somehow we wound up in this really nasty bar that DEMON, VIPER, and everybody else that's a bad mook considers their watering hole. Due to events that would require you to drink at least HALF a pint-bottle of Jack Daniels to believe, Ghost Sniper had finally made it back to her team, just before the bar fight was going to start.

 

Note, she had been rolling AWFUL rolls the whole game.

 

Walks into the bar, with this terible scowl on my face, and I say, "I'm just going to let a burst off into the ceiling. Just to get everybody's attention."

 

GM:"Okay-do you want to roll to hit or do damage, or I can just give it to you."

 

ME:"With the way my luck has been today, I'd probably blow off my own foot. Just getting their attention."

 

GM:"Sure, not a problem. Nice little burst, makes everybody pay attention."

 

ME: (Deep Breath) "I AM NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY! I HAVE BEEN SHOT AT! I HAVE HAD THREE CARS AND TWO MOTORCYCLES SHOT OUT FROM UNDER ME! I HAVE HAD A DRAG QUEEN TRY TO SEE JUST HOW GOOD I WAS IN BED, AND SOMEBODY BLEW UP MY LAST PAIR OF CLEAN PANTIES! NOW, ARE ALL OF YOU GOING TO BE NICE AND TELL US WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW, OR AM I GOING TO HAVE TO HURT SOMEONE?"

 

GM: "One of the mooks, wearing a VIPER uniform stands up and says, 'I don't think you've got the guts...'"

 

ME: "I shoot him. Machine-rifle mode. Roll?"

 

GM (A Bit Shocked): "Sure, roll."

 

Natural 3. House rules were that a natural 3 meant you did full damage on an attack. On a 2D6 AP RKA, 5 shot autofire, with a character that has Accurate Autofire.

 

GM (Looks at His Map): "Well, all that's left of him is his boots. Most of his upper legs, too. And, the bar now has a nice back door. Right into the car dealership. Across the street. Everybody's look at you and wondering what's going on."

 

ME (Deep Breath): "Now! Does anybody else wanna give me trouble?"

 

Everybody was very, very helpful after that....

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In an old Gurps Supers campaign waaaay back in college, my character, Lioness had been cursed by a monkey, who magically appeared and tormented her anytime someone said the word "monkey". This was the conversation between her and the team's blaster, a cold projector named Frostbite.

 

Frostbite: "Mon...."

Lioness: "Finish that sentence and you'll lose your icecubes."

 

The GM rolled on the floor, crying for hours.

 

 

Rhen

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What with one thing and another last night, a shrunken Hummingbird, unsuccessful in her attempts to Mind Control our energy projector, was knocked back 17" into the hull of a nearby ship, knocking her halfway into next week and leading to this exchange:

 

"Also, the authorities pick up Hummingbird."

"What, do they put her in a jar?"

"They put her in an ambulance." :eek:

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Well, we had the first game of a new campaign last night ... so here's a few highlights.

 

After my Temporal Variance Investigator gets pulled off-course (both spatially and temporally), and sees an identical model of Time Flyer, which promptly shoots him down:

"You know, if I'm the guy I'm here to investigate, I'm going to be really pissed at myself."

 

Due to a printer malfunction, we were unable to print out sheets up, but since it was a noncombat game, it wasn't much of an issue until I got prompted for a 'KS: History of the Future (2004-2090) roll' ...

"Great ... I can't remember what my skill was in that ..."

(Dice come up one-one-one.)

"Thank you, Dice. You just made my life much easier."

 

And our resident brain-addled tabloid reporter, after attempting to absorb the out-of-time Knight and Cyborg characters' existence:

"Okay, weird things happen to me all the time, I can handle this. I just need six or seven hours and beers."

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This week's Final Fantasy 7 gaming quotes.

 

==========

 

"We have a CPS... a Chocobo Positioning System."

 

==========

 

Djinn's player: *to laid-out dice, skill dice all ones, damage dice all sixes* "Now... every time I roll you tonight, I wanna see these -same damn faces-."

 

==========

 

Scar: "Sector Three's po'. They're so poor, they can't afford the 'or'."

 

==========

 

Scar: "Sector Three's so poor, they think gil is the guy that lives next door!"

 

==========

 

Jason: "And who, pray tell, are you?"

"Me? I'm Gil."

Djinn: "YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR!"

 

==========

 

Scar: "Lemme tell ya where I'm from... I'm from straight offa Rufus' ass, and I'm feelin' homesick!"

Jason: "So... you're a polyp?"

Scar: "That's right, baby, I'm CANCER!"

 

==========

 

Gil: "I'm sure Rufus would -love- to see you!"

Djinn: "Yeh, he misses his li'l polyp..."

 

==========

 

"'Yay! Daddy! Let's strip him!'? This game has gone into interesting territory."

 

==========

 

Barret: "When you're black, that's a skill you've got to pay double points for, 'Summon Cab'."

 

==========

 

Red XIII: "I may be naked, but I'm not happy to see you. Trust me, none of you assholes got -nothin'- on me."

 

==========

 

GM: "'There is an elevator here."

Jason: "We take the elevator"'

GM: "You can't take that!'"

(rest of party lynches GM for making a bad Zork reference)

 

==========

 

Jason: "I know one way this elevator could get us down quickly... gravity!"

Djinn: "AND HERE'S WHERE WE START SPINNING!"

 

==========

 

"FINE! But if we die........ we'll be dead!"

 

==========

 

"Blew my perception roll."

"Well, you know where Dexter's laboratory is, but not Hojo's."

 

==========

 

Jason: "He's cloning a Gilgamesh."

Djinn: "I suggest we support a woman's right to choose and hit the 'Abort' button!"

 

==========

 

"Hey, Pharah?"

"What?"

"Sephiroth's made a harem out of your clones."

"WHAT?!?!!"

 

==========

 

GM: "You open the box and there's Guns. Lots of guns. Neo would be proud."

"And all of you hear Scar say 'OH YEAH!'"

 

==========

 

"Can we get to the killing and the bloodletting!"

 

==========

 

"Anyone got a convenient motorcycle and cinematic...?"

 

==========

 

Jason: "Oh! The helicopters! That's our way out of here! ... DON'T SAY A WORD, DJINN!"

"And from over Gil's shoulder, comes this little whimper..."

"Gil looks back at Djinn. 'Something I should know?'"

"... It involves spinning..."

 

==========

 

Gil: "Oop. There you go. Sorry."

Djinn: "Are you sorry about the buttsqueezes?"

Gil: "........ Not especially."

Djinn: "... That's okay, I don't especially begrudge 'em to ya."

 

==========

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Recently : "Legends of Five Rings" :

 

The PCs, in the Shadowlands. The Kuni shungenja just meets a horrible death from an Oni :

 

PC-Kuni - I think i'm dead now ...

PC-2 to the GM : OH, MY GOD, YOU KILLED KUNI !!!!!

all the other PCs : BASTARDS !!!

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

After a beloved NPC was given a mild concussion and robbed, two characters got into an arguement.

 

Turn The Other Cheek: "But hurting him does not make Tamrin well. It does not bring back the money that was lost. It does not correct anything."

 

Vengeance Is Mine: "It prevents him from hurting others, as he's hurt her."

 

Turn the Other Cheek: "But it does not correct anything."

 

Vengeance Is Mine: "Bah! *turns away* go pet a sheep Father. Tell them that when the wolves come, it'll be alright, they'll go to heaven."

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

Quotes from last night's bizarre Silver Age Champions adventure where the Legion Mystery went up against Trophy Hunter and a group of hunting goons known as the Caliber Society... Secret Master ran it and it was nothing but hilarity...

 

"I've blown and been blown by sailors..." - Secret Master (don't ask)

 

"I'm a man of nothing but opinions, each on more ignorant than the last." - Secret Master

 

"I just pulled it out of Gadgets And Gear... blame Steve Long." - Secret Master

 

"But it's RIPPED drool." - Ben

 

"Two are from England and one is from Argentina." - Secret Master "Which are both in Asia..." - Ben

 

Thanks for a great game Secret Master! :eg:

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