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Quote of the Week from my gaming group...


Darren Watts

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

A few from last Sunday's D&D game:

 

Leila's apprentice, Chris, found some dire mountain puma kittens and hid them in her room. When Leila found out, she insisted they stay out in the barn. Chris argued, unsuccessfully, that Leila's dog Sampson gets to stay in the house, so why can't her kittens? As she leaves the room...

 

Chris (to Sampson): One day, you'll end up tossed in the barn like last week's laundry...

Aren (to Leila): You need to talk to that girl about how she does laundry.

 

Small undead animals (a mouse, a bat, and some rats) have shown up at an orphanage, so Ryan (our fighter/scout) and Il'Marcum (our sorcerer who is getting sick of teleporting party members all over the place) are questioning the kids.

 

Ryan: Are *you* creating the undead animals?

Kid: How the heck would I know how to do that?

Ryan: Everybody's got to have a skill.

Kid: What's yours?

Ryan: I kill things.

Il'Marcum: I'm a cabbie.

 

Presented without context:

 

Il'Marcum: It's real hard to milk a cat.

 

In addition to his oh-so-useful teleportation, Il'Marcum also has magical access to a plush extra-dimensional mansion with unseen servants.

 

Yllek: Don't we have a portable boat?

Aren: The party has one, and Il'Marcum has one.

Il'Marcum (in Elmer Fudd voice): I am Elmer J. Il'Marcum, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

One of my friends started a new, intentionally short-run "Swords and Sandals" fantasy game. There are two PCs:

 

Talek: A dashing Hawk Knight (rides a huge war-falcon)

Hakkar: A "D'jareel"; a seven and a half foot tall, four armed desert nomad, who is a gladiator.

 

-------------------

 

Hakkar (OOC): Im going to "Bodycast" Stone Cold Steve Austin, because I can see him with a goatee, he is frequently bald, and I dont respect him enough that Ill miss the character when the game is gone

 

---------------------

 

GM: "I hear that youre looking for work"

Hakkar (OOC): Says? .....You know what, it doesnt matter. "YES!"

 

-----------------

 

[brigands hire Hakkar to break the arms of Talek and take his money, figuring hes from a city-state far away and has no back-up. They tell Hakkar that Talek has come into town and insulted them so greatly that they cannot even speak of it.

 

When confronted, Talek manages to convince Hakkar to fight unarmed, in a small cleared space as an "arena". While they fight, the brigands sneak in and try to backstab BOTH of us]

 

Hakkar: I am not an opening act! I am HAKKAR! The renowned Gladiator! And if the offense that this man gave you by merely entering your city was enough to render you insensate and woman-like, THIS will probably be Fatal!

 

[it was]

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

MIDDLE EARTH D20

=================

 

the giantish word for you is "tent-peg"

 

 

 

the giants also have 15 different words that can be interpreted "short"

 

 

 

Snake will you please stop humming "where there's a whip there's a way"

 

 

 

. . . .and in Gondor we fix our horses as well as our dogs.

(in the distance) neeeeeeigh

 

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

MIDDLE EARTH D20

=================

 

the giantish word for you is "tent-peg"

 

 

the giants also have 15 different words that can be interpreted "short"

 

 

Snake will you please stop humming "where there's a whip there's a way"

 

 

. . . .and in Gondor we fix our horses as well as our dogs.

(in the distance) neeeeeeigh

 

 

How well do they fix their dogs?

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary would rather not know about the state of veterinary medicine in Gondor

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

How well do they fix their dogs?

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary would rather not know about the state of veterinary medicine in Gondor

 

I don't know that one still looks broken to me

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

The PCs are cops. VERY bad cops (not Dirty Harry bad, just ... well listen to this)

 

A woman has been found at the door to the police station unconscious, it is obvious that a) she was attacked and B) she was beating on the door for a considerable time before she lost consciousness. The police were, at that point, 'doing other things' (mostly the weekly poker game). The doctor who came to help her is insensed:

Doctor: My God man, why didn't someone do something? She obviously needed medical help.

 

PC: That's why we called you.

 

Doctor: The medical examiner was right here, he has medical training.

 

PC: Yeah, well, he was busy "examining" his new assistant.

 

Doctor: What do you mean by 'examining'?

 

PC (looking at him pointedly): do I need to use medical terminology.

 

Doctor: What...What ... He ... He should be charged.

 

PC: We're not entirely sure she didn't.

 

Like I said BAD cops (oh and 'mostly' poker (and yes I realize the pun).

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

Sometimes image is everything. You see we're heroes. We're not even more than just a smidgen villainy. What we are is smart-asses.

 

--------------

 

Brickey-Blaster-Absorby-Guy (I'm sure he has a real name): WHERE is Tiger Lily? (input lots of angsty my-one-true-love-is-missing-and-i'm-going-to-save-her-if-i-have-to-drown-puppies feelings...that we SO did not pick up on except in hindsight)

 

Josh: Oh yeah, we killed her.

James: and then did nasty things to her body.

 

--------------

 

It just kind of slipped out. It's not that we're heartless...we're just not all that observant!

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Guest Major Tom

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

A few from last Sunday's D&D game:

 

Leila's apprentice, Chris, found some dire mountain puma kittens and hid them in her room. When Leila found out, she insisted they stay out in the barn. Chris argued, unsuccessfully, that Leila's dog Sampson gets to stay in the house, so why can't her kittens? As she leaves the room...

 

Chris (to Sampson): One day, you'll end up tossed in the barn like last week's laundry...

Aren (to Leila): You need to talk to that girl about how she does laundry.

 

Small undead animals (a mouse, a bat, and some rats) have shown up at an orphanage, so Ryan (our fighter/scout) and Il'Marcum (our sorcerer who is getting sick of teleporting party members all over the place) are questioning the kids.

 

Ryan: Are *you* creating the undead animals?

Kid: How the heck would I know how to do that?

Ryan: Everybody's got to have a skill.

Kid: What's yours?

Ryan: I kill things.

Il'Marcum: I'm a cabbie.

 

Presented without context:

 

Il'Marcum: It's real hard to milk a cat.

 

In addition to his oh-so-useful teleportation, Il'Marcum also has magical access to a plush extra-dimensional mansion with unseen servants.

 

Yllek: Don't we have a portable boat?

Aren: The party has one, and Il'Marcum has one.

Il'Marcum (in Elmer Fudd voice): I am Elmer J. Il'Marcum, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.

 

 

Il'Marcum should just take some pointers from Thufir Hawat regarding the

milking of cats...

 

 

 

 

Major Tom :D

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

In our Star Trek game, we start the run en media res in the midst of combat with hostile aliens. Background note: we are equipped with pulse pistols instead of phasers.

 

Hot-shot Pilot: Is my pistol working?

GM: Well, it isn't showing you the "sad pulse pistol" image.

 

Scientist (who is not combat-proficient): What do I do?

Hot-shot Pilot: Just shoot randomly in that direction!

Scientist: Does that really work?

GM (as NPC): It seems to be working fine for him!

 

GM (to Klingon PC): You have a target-rich environment.

Klingon: I endeavor to impoverish it.

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

Cthulhu : A Little Knowledge, from Arkham Unveiled

Me, GM :
"You'll be pleased to know that your character will be the fish before whom the plot hook is dangled."

Sydney Delthorn's player :
"Oh god"
:(

Dr Elliot's player is wearing a black shirt with complicated swirly/floral patterns in shades of grey.

Me
: It's a Hawaiian shirt for emos

 

Me
:
sabotaging budding PC romance
"Of course, you'll have to bear in mind that daughters frequently grow up to look like their mothers"

Players
,
recalling my description of said parent, what with the dry and greyish skin, rapidly thinning hair, and staring eyes

Me
happily
: "Not reassuring, is it?"
:D

I'm quite pleased with the opening this week.

"Arkham, in early December - a mild winter this year, and the university is quiet as the students go into hibernation. The library is warm, however, a pleasant refuge from the weather outside and from your memories of the Corbitt House. Indeed, you've almost managed to stop your doubts about reality creeping into your thesis on French-Canadian folktales. But the morning approaches, and it's time to go home, where a warm bed beckons. Of course, you'll have to step over the mangled corpse on the library steps, first."

 

Me, GM :
No, it's not Walter Corbitt, come back to say hello. For one thing it's got clothes on.

Dr Elliot is on hand to do the autopsy, and his player fears the worst.

Elliot's Player
: "... and then the baby tentacles come out"

Sydney Delthorn, Scholar's player
: "That's ok - you'll have a sequel. "

PCs involve themselves in the police investigation, as PCs are wont to do

GM
: "Badges? We don't need no steenking badges!..... no ferrets or weasels either...."

I then had to spend 3 minutes explaining the pun *headdesks* :weep:

 

The players then launch into 5 minutes of jokes about Viagra. :help: Don't ask. Just... don't.

Me, GM
,
getting slightly exasperated
: "Speaking of stiffs, can we please get back to The Case of the Murderous Corpse?"

And then the Private Investigator's player shows up.

Alexei Petrovich's player
,
gleefully
: "What better for a case with stiffs than a private dick?"

 

Me,
pointing out it's still only 1920
: "Counseling? This is the era where shell shock was treated with firing squad."

Searching the corpse's dorm room for clues, and finding a nice shelf full of occult texts, parapsychology, etc, and an unfinished letter to one Asenath Waite, mostly about transfer of personality.

Me, GM
: "Possession is nine-tenths of the lore."

 

Me, GM
: The painting is a really quite excellent copy of Eakin's
... that's scull as in boat, not headbone.

I also mention the illustrated German text on nude exercise that his roommate has. Oh boy, do I soon regret it. These players don't need that sort of encouragement. Although it DID confuse the P.I.'s player when I switched to Dr Elliot's testing of tissue samples.

 

They eventually figure out the connection between the corpse on the library steps, and Asenath Waite cadre of poets, weirdos, and hanger's on.

Alexei Petrovich
: "It all makes sense now! She's creating a Dead Poets Society!"

 

Lucy Smith
,
on visiting Asenath with concealed weapons
: Taking a Colt to a cult, eh?

 

Me, GM
: There's a polished skull encrusted with black wax on the mantelpiece. Headbone, this time

 

Dr Elliot
: "So what are we going to do about the Suicidal Corpse?"

Me, GM
: "Now there's a band name for you"

 

Me, GM
: It's the zombies West resurrects that makes Herbert West the best

Attacked by a horde of murderous organs

Lucy Smith OOC
: "It's a heart attack!"

Post-game review

Lucy Smith's player :
"You're a bastard."

Me
: "I am?"
:confused:

Lucy Smith's player
: "I mean that in a good way."

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Guest Major Tom

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

Call of Cthulhu' date=' finally. My players have been looking forward to this eagerly. Perhaps too eagerly, since the first few minutes were a riff on "Kanga loves [i']CoC[/i]", "I'm going into town tonight for CoC" and "Me love CoC longtime"

 

New PC, Blake Harrington, Private Eye - hired to find out why a Riverside landlord managed to get a house ridiculously cheap, and why he can't keep any tenants in it. The landlord neglects to mention that the previous tenants all fell victim to various freak knife accidents, mysterious illness, and insanity.

 

You know it's going to be a good night for GMing when you can reduce your players to nausea merely describing the domestic terrain.

 

There's a tureen of rice soup abandoned on the table. Looks like it's been there a few weeks. Certainly, it's difficult to differentiate between the rice and the maggots.

 

Most of the house is junk rooms or clearly abandoned in a hurry. One discovery that will make Lucy happy, when she eventually get involved, is a few bottles of cheap red plonk in the kitchen.

 

Blake Harrington, PI OOC :

"Cheap wine and a three day growth .... of mold, in the rice soup."

 

Me, GM :
... the bed is coming at you fast, some two feet off the floor.

Blake Harrington, PI :
I throw myself aside... "Frow him to the fwoor"

Me, GM :
It's not a real RPG session until someone quotes Monty Python

 

Lucy Smith OOC :
In Soviet Russia, bed goes to you.

 

Harrington continues to explore, alone. This is not going to end well, and I predict a scene like the following

 

GM, OOC :
When the rest of you finally arrive at the house, you find the floors inches deep in blood; and Harrington's head - floating in the tureen, with the soup.

 

As it was, I was close.

 

GM:
In the corner of the basement you unearth an ornate knife, blood thickly coated with rust.

Harrington's player :
Blood???

GM
: Sorry, blade.

Harrington's player :
He said blood, didn't he?

Rest of players :
*
nod
*

Harrington's player :
Dang GMs, messing with my mind....

GM :
*
shrug
* Freudian slip

 

He does, however, manage to escape alive, and has to explain to the doctors why he showed up with a death-grip on the knife in his own ribs, and a badly twisted ankle, and other assorted injuries.

 

At least that's my excuse to get the other new PC involved, Kanga's character Dr Terrence Elliot. Yes, Kanga is a big A Country Practice fan. However did you guess? At least the name is suitably Lovecraftian. "My god, Elliot - it was a photo from life!" Of course, Lucy is immediately intrigued - rich, doctor, and most importantly, single.... it doesn't hurt that Kanga's using a photo of a young Richard Chamberlain - Dr Kildare - as the character pic.

 

Probably best without context. Amazingly, it was said in innocence.

 

GM :
Lucy here is already wet.

 

At least I finally manage to get all the PCs together, as they meet over breakfast to conspire about the case.

 

Alexei Petrovich, OOC,
possibly slightly jealous about the attention Lucy is giving the doctor
: "I don't want to scramble her eggs, I want to fertilise them!"

Harrington's player :
*
wince
* Please, lift the tone!

GM
: You've never played with these people before, have you?

Harrington's player
: Just raise the bar!

GM
: *
points from Lucy to Alexei
* She raises his bar all the time.
:D

 

Alexei does the introductions , but it's been a long night for the character

 

Alexei Petrovich
: Luc... Luce... Loose.. no, that's her morals.

 

Alexei tells everybody the warning signs for Imminent Supernatural Death

 

Alexei Petrovich
: "If you suddenly smell something bad..."

Dr Elliot
: "Blame it on the dog."

 

Actually, Elliot's dog is useful - further advance warning for Imminent Supernatural Death

 

Dog
: *whimpers*

Dr Elliot, OOC
: "And that's Doggy-speak for 'Some poor sucker is about to die""

 

GM
,
describing the state of Sydney Delthorn by the time he finishes falling down the stairs
: There's this new artist from Europe, named Picasso...

 

Dr Elliot
runs through first aid
: "Can you hear me? What is your name? Are you awake? Where is your wallet?"

 

Sydney Delthorn , days later, OOC
: "The rest of them are still at the house. I'm in hospital, getting a sponge bath. So I'm happy."

 

I won't repeat my musing about Unitarian exorcisms, and whether biscuits would be involved.

 

It eventually ended with a frantic and desperate wrestling match with a hypnotic mummy, multiple shovels, Molotov cocktails, and stabbing the corpse repeatedly in the face. Eventually they dragged it out into the street and set it on fire. It certainly gave the new players a good idea of just how lethal, confused, and farcical Call of Cthulhu combat can be. But at least they bought the house at an even more ridiculously low price than the previous landlord did - he was never going to get his investment back once the history of kidnaps, murder, suicide, disease, cultists, and corpse abuse came to light.

 

 

You forgot to mention the spontaneous generation of smut fields within the house itself...

 

 

 

 

Major Tom :eg:

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

Post-game review

Lucy Smith's player :
"You're a bastard."

Me
: "I am?"
:confused:

Lucy Smith's player
: "I mean that in a good way."

 

Our GM considers it a point of honor if, at some point during the game, he can make one of the players turn to him and call him a Rat Bastard.

 

It's a title he wears with pride. :D

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

Our GM considers it a point of honor if, at some point during the game, he can make one of the players turn to him and call him a Rat Bastard.

 

It's a title he wears with pride. :D

 

*nods* In a certain long-running D&D campaign I was in, I realised the GM had set us up for a situation where all the PCs and nearby NPCs would soon be "every man for himself".

 

I turned to the GM and growled "you bastard"

 

He was so pleased.

 

As it happened, Vitus was the only survivor, and after recovering from feeblemind, and as the only survivor avoided being renamed "Dances with Rust Monsters", legged it with an artifact that would shape the future of his homeworld.

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Guest Major Tom

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

nah' date=' that's just the players. It's their mutant superpower[/quote']

 

 

Either that, or one of the Great Old Ones is working overtime to corrupt the PC group

just for some cheap giggles.

 

 

 

 

Major Tom :sneaky:

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Guest Major Tom

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

*nods* In a certain long-running D&D campaign I was in, I realised the GM had set us up for a situation where all the PCs and nearby NPCs would soon be "every man for himself".

 

I turned to the GM and growled "you bastard"

 

He was so pleased.

 

As it happened, Vitus was the only survivor, and after recovering from feeblemind, and as the only survivor avoided being renamed "Dances with Rust Monsters", legged it with an artifact that would shape the future of his homeworld.

 

 

Was this what ultimately wound up being the cause of Vitus' homeworld ceasing to exist (the artifact, I mean)?

 

 

 

 

Major Tom :confused:

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

*nods* In a certain long-running D&D campaign I was in, I realised the GM had set us up for a situation where all the PCs and nearby NPCs would soon be "every man for himself".

 

I turned to the GM and growled "you bastard"

 

 

 

 

Um.... so, what happened???

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

Was this what ultimately wound up being the cause of Vitus' homeworld ceasing to exist (the artifact, I mean)?

 

Oddly enough not directly, altho it did destabilise reality a bit.

 

Um.... so' date=' what happened???[/quote']

 

Party had finally put together the clues as to what was about to happen in the Forbidden City, and why the various cults were getting so worked up, and just why the evil wizard we'd learnt about was very much working against a deadline.

 

There was a God-Egg about to hatch, and anybody in possession of it at the up-coming conjunction could have a direct say in the future direction of history when it did.

 

Naturally, the bad guys all backstabbed each other - and so did the party members. Or at least we all split up in a race to find it first.

 

Vitus survived because he was feebleminded early in the chase, was having a great time petting the Rust Monsters, and by the time he snapped out of it he was the only one still alive. :idjit:

 

His choice of future was, to him, obvious "How can I ensure a good future for my world? By putting the gnolls in charge." :D

 

Needless to say it didn't quite work out that way. :(

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

Nexus' date=' any idea who wrote that?[/quote']

 

Afraid not. :(

 

I read it almost 20 yrs ago. I THINK the story was in an anthology called "Forbidden Acts" There might have been a series of them. The theme was really "edgy" stories.

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

From a post Apocalypse Hero game called: After the Burn. One PC, Bill Waits, was a broken shell of man left essentially emotionally dead after losing his family in the fall. Over the course of the game, he fell in love with another PC, Dylan Carter, a younger woman with an optimistic outlook and surprisingly sheltered background considering her hippie/granola girl up bringing. In any case, Dylan had started showing some of the early signs of pregnancy and mistook them for….radiation poisoning and thinking she's clearly going to die goes to Bill to say her farewells.

 

Bill: Calm down, baby, just tell me what's wrong?

 

Dylan (tearfully): Well…I feel so tired all the time and and… every morning I wake up feeling awful… throwing up and stuff. And well I haven't had a… ya know, for awhile. THAT time….

 

Bill: *pauses then grins* So… you're sick every morning.. huh. You might say you have a kind of Morning Sickness?

 

Dylan: *nods sadly then realization strikes. Not as intended* Oh No! It must have been those chocolate bars I found. They were radioactive! I should warn Cierra and Joanna (to other PCs)! They had some too!

 

Bills *sighs* Yes, you should definitely talk to other women about this. Now.

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

*nods* In a certain long-running D&D campaign I was in, I realised the GM had set us up for a situation where all the PCs and nearby NPCs would soon be "every man for himself".

 

I turned to the GM and growled "you bastard"

 

He was so pleased.

 

As it happened, Vitus was the only survivor, and after recovering from feeblemind, and as the only survivor avoided being renamed "Dances with Rust Monsters", legged it with an artifact that would shape the future of his homeworld.

Given what I remember about what happened to his homeworld... are you sure he won?

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

Given what I remember about what happened to his homeworld... are you sure he won?

 

Given the world got erased whilst he was elsewhere, he's quite certain somebody else is to blame. "Drunk whilst in control of a planet" perhaps.

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Character creation

 

We began creating characters for the new campaign. No exceptionally funny quotes, but it did remind me of a previous character creation situation with the group's munchkin.

 

The GM reviewed the munchkin's first draft...

GM: "You have Clinging, Energy Blast, Entangle, Force Field, Force Wall, Running, Stretching and Summoning in your Elemental Control. What is the common special effect that they all share?"

munchkin: "They're mucous powers." :thumbup:

:nonp::idjit::jawdrop:

(Long pause....)

GM: "I am not letting you run Snot-Boy as a superhero." :tsk:

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Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

 

Session 4 of Farlanthia and we're all 2nd Level!

 

And we get to fight a dragon....

 

Wyk on negotiating with the dragon: "You look tastier than I do."

Marid on negotiating with the dragon: "I cast Glib Limerick, possibly for the last time."

 

On vermin in the grain stores:

Na'Yumi: "This is why we need cats!"

Calidore: "To feed the snakes?"

 

Calidore on our tactics versus an evil cult and their undead: "If I die from this can I come back and haunt Wyk?"

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