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Darren Watts

Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

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GM:  You realize that Aching very smoothly and carefully changed her demand to have all of her remaining blood returned to her, to specifying that the cup with its contents be turned over to her. 

 

Malarky:  Crap.  The knife...

GM:  Actually two knives.  Thinking back over that memory, you saw him sheath the knife he used to cut her arm on his right side, but during the spell pulled a ritual knife from a sheath on his left side to dip into the cup.  Granted, he doesn't have enough blood to do truly evil things to her, but he has enough to make her life miserable when he wants.

 

(to be continued)

 

Neatly done XD

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Credit for that line actually goes to someone here. I forget who, but their signature has an almost identical statement

 

---Weldun, a.k.a. Salazar, HUMAN Rogue.

 



Heather: Are you evil?
Salazar: I like to think of myself as differently motivated.

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Some quotes from last night's Champions game (hero team name is Just Cause):

 

Someone has been breaking into houses, homeless shelters, and orphanages to leave presents -- all are Just Cause action figures, with a tag reading "Just Cause You've Been Good!".  Keep in mind that my players have gotten extremely paranoid over the years.

 

GM:  X-rays of the dolls, er, action figures reveal nothing dangerous inside. No dangerous chemicals, toxins, or biological agents on either the dolls, clothing, or packages.  No magic detected either.  They're actually Barbie dolls and GI Joes with the heads replaced by ones that actually look similar to each of you.  Oh, and any Honey Badger action figures have patches of fake fur glued onto the body at various places.  But as far as any of you can tell, they're completely safe.

Nexus:  Why are you such an evil bastard?

 

Maker:  I'd like to see the data on where [gifts were found] on a map.  Maybe drawing out a pentagram over Boston?  Or a clown face/symbol?

GM:  Excellent idea.  As you put the points on a map, you see that they form a set of curved wings, plus a head with two pointy ears...

Honey Badger:  Like a fox?

GM:  Yeah, exactly like a fox.  Remember how you let Foxbat and his people go after capturing Dr. Pisces?  This is just his way of saying thanks, and giving you guys some free positive PR.  (pause)  Why are you guys so paranoid?

Nexus:  Years of gaming with you.

 

GM:  I said there were no dangerous chemicals.  You do, however, detects some benign chemical compounds on the action figure's torsos.  The formula works out to match the type of ink that only shows up under UV light.  When you shine a UV light on their backs, you can read "Life Member: Foxbat Fan Club".  Oh, and every Nexus action figure has the foxbat logo lovingly hand-painted across her chest.

 

The prior week, the heroes defeated a group of vampires, one of whom was a French diplomat and the others were employees at the Boston consulate.  All vampires were basically left in the sunlight to turn to ashes, and those ashes turned over to PRIMUS.  The heroes then learn that the French government demanded the return of the remains of their diplomat and citizens.

 

Honey Badger:  You keep sending us vampires, we'll keep sending you ashes.

 

Shadowboxer:  Did anybody mix any cigar ashes in with the vampire ashes?

 

Maker's Chinese tiger-mom sets her up on a date with the Chinese-American son of a friend.

 

Dr. Hu Cheng:  You go on date with him.  He's good boy.  Very smart.

Maker:  Gee, Mom, did you pick out where we're going to dinner?

Dr. Hu:  Of course not!  He call you, he pick restaurant. 

Maker:  Are you going to be sitting across the street to make sure the date goes well?

Dr. Hu:  (pause)  You go on date with him!  He's good boy!

 

He calls Li (Maker's secret ID).

Guan:  Hi, this is Guan Xiu.  (OOC)  It's spelled G-u-a-n X-i-u.  I'm not sure how that's supposed to be pronounced, so I'm going with "Juan Shoe".  Gotta love random name generators.

Shadowboxer:  (OOC)  Is his middle name "Red"?

GM:  (OOC)  Juan Red Shoe?  Aaargh!

 

Guan:  From everything your mother has told me, you seem like a fascinating woman.

Maker:  Wait, did my mom tell me anything about him?

GM:  Heck, she probably gave you a dossier on him.  You have everything on his work history and education.

Shadowboxer:  His report cards from middle school...

Circe:  What part he had in the 3rd grade school play...

 

Guan:  Please don't be offended, but to tell the truth, you mother scares me a little.

Maker:  You're not alone there.

 

Maker:  You know, this guy is probably going to turn out to be a supervillain in disguise.

 

Honey Badger's budding romance with Pop Tart hits a few bumps as she gets stressed and irritable about her upcoming final exams. 

 

Honey Badger:  Honey Badger don't care.  Just smile and offer her something to eat.

 

Another news item is on the New Gods breaking a man out of prison, so the players are discussing the New Gods.

 

Circe: (to Honey Badger)  Maybe if you're lucky, Aphrodite will show up.

Honey Badger:  Nah, Honey Badger doesn't care about her.  Honey Badger's girlfriend is hot, and named after a sweet breakfast treat.  It doesn't get much better than that.

 

After the prison break, PRIMUS briefs the heroes on the full history of the New Gods, who are android bioforms imprinted with the memories and personalities of various Cadmus personnel.

 

PRIMUS Det. Garrett:  The New Gods were created by Project: Cadmus, a paramilitary group that sought to overthrow the US government and replace it with military rule.  Actually, the New Gods are just Cadmus' superpowered muscle, not the ones in charge.  Their leader, former US Army Col. Antony Drake, was caught by the Millennium City Protectors about ten years ago and is currently serving time in prison.  All the New Gods were captured, deactivated, and disassembled.  Apparently, though, someone recently made a new batch.

 

So the heroes are a bit confused when a known Cadmus trooper, Stewart Fowler, is found dead in an alleyway, with one of Artemis' arrows sticking out of the back of his neck.

 

Circe:  What was he doing there?

GM:  You could try reading his mind to find out, but all you'll get is "Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh".

 

Honey Badger makes an incredible smell PER roll and finds some odd reddish grains of sand stuck in the treads of Fowler's shoes.  (These later turn out to be of extraterrestrial origin.)

 

GM:  They smell odd to you, like a mix of that orange bathroom spray and diesel exhaust.

HB:  What you're saying is, they smell like shitrus.

 

Nexus tries to talk to Fowler's spirit, but he's not being cooperative.

 

Fowler:  Fowler, Stewart.  Lieutenant.  Serial number 365658288.

Nexus:  You do know you're dead, right?

Fowler:  Doesn't matter.  Col. Drake doesn't hold with capes.

Nexus:  But I'm not wearing a cape.  Well, I do wear a hoodie, so I guess that's close.

 

Nexus' player fails two Conversation rolls, so I'm forcing her to play out the questioning.  Because of the team's mind link, I'm allowing the other players to feed her some questions and comments.

 

Nexus:  What's up with the sand in your shoes?  Were you in another dimension recently?

Fowler:  Ha!  You can't make me tell you anything about our new base!

 

Nexus:  Why would the New Gods have killed you?

Fowler:  Maybe because they're a**holes.  I mean, Zeus won't break Col. Drake out of prison.  Heck, Zeus has Col. Drake's mind engrams.  They're practically brothers!

 

Nexus eventually convinces the spirit to take Just Cause to the portal where he accessed the other dimension, but they discover that someone has already stripped out all the equipment, leaving only bare wires hanging down.

 

Maker:  Is there any way I can use that to reverse-engineer the portal technology?

GM:  Imagine you find a car.  You pop the hood to find that someone has removed the entire engine, leaving behind a few hose connections, wires, and the linkage to the drivetrain.  Do you think you could rebuild the engine from that?

Maker:  Guess not.

 

The heroes learn the names and home cities of a few other staunch Cadmus loyalists, and finds all of them dead, apparently killed at the hands of New Gods.  So they go to the prison where Col. Drake is incarcerated to have a talk with him.  But Circe is afraid to use her telepathy on him.

 

Circe:  What if they have psionic detectors?  They'll lock me up.

Shadowboxer:  This isn't Stronghold, or a PRIMUS base. 

GM:  Still, you never know.  Only one way to find out.
Circe:  (to Maker)  Is there any way you can build a device to check whether they have psionic detectors?

GM:  You mean a psionic detector detector?

 

Maker builds one, and scans the prison -- failing her first PER roll.

GM:  You're pretty sure there are no psionic detectors there.

She tries again, and fails again.

GM:  You're very confident that there are no psionic detectors anywhere on the prison grounds.

 

She makes try #3, and still fails her PER roll.

GM:  You are absolutely positive there are no psionic detectors.  Circe is completely safe!  (aside to Shadowboxer)  There actually aren't any psionic detectors in the prison, but it's fun to make her sweat.

 

Col. Drake proves less than helpful when asked questions by Nexus, Maker, and Honey Badger, but Circe is snooping into his surface thoughts.

 

Nexus:  Why would Zeus be ordering the deaths of troopers loyal to you?  He has your mind after all.

Drake:  (aloud)  I'm afraid I can't help you there.

Drake:  (thinking)  Zeus?  We never built a Zeus.  Must be something new.  But with my mind?  I mean, sure, we made a copy of my mind to be downloaded into a New God body in case I died or was killed.  But someone would have to be an idiot to do that with me still alive.  The bioform would see me as a threat...

 

(to be continued)

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Col. Drake ends his meeting with the heroes.

Drake:  If you'll excuse me, I don't want to be late for my corned beef hash.

Nexus:  But aren't you concerned that you may be the next...

Honey Badger:  (to Nexus)  Wait, wait!  This is important.  (to Drake)  Corned beef hash?  How can I get put in here?

 

Maker leaves a pair of stolen VIPER drones, in Stealth mode, to keep watch over the prison.  Late that night, they notify her that sirens are going off in the prison.

 

Maker:  Did they see anybody fly up?  Or run across the prison yard?

GM:  Nope.

Maker:  So what did they detect?

Circe:  Sirens going WOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooo...

 

She hacks into the prison security cameras and sees Drake's cell door torn open, and Heracles dragging Drake out of his cell by the arm.  Across the way stands Zeus, with various other New Gods scattered across the cell block.  The cameras don't have audio, but they can see that Zeus is saying something, and the prisoners in the cells are banging on the bars of their cells and shouting.

 

Honey Badger:  They're probably shouting "Attica!  Attica!"

 

GM:  You've heard of a kangaroo court?  This is a kangaroo court martial.

 

Pops: (looking at the seven New Gods on the game map and knowing that the hero team, without Malarky that week, is down to six members)  Y'know, the guy's a bit of a jerk.  Do we really need to save him?

 

Pops:  Malarky's mass stone skin spell saved my a** last time.  Not to mention we won't have his luck spell.*  Guys, we're screwed.

 

*Brief aside - Malarky has a spell that grants 5d6 Luck to all the members of the team for a handful of minutes.  The way I've been handling that is having the players each roll 5d6 at the start of the combat, and count BODY.  That is the number of +1s they can apply to to-hit and skill rolls during the combat if they fall short of success.  They also get one re-roll of a to-hit or skill roll for every 6 rolled.  I do the same if any of their opponents happen to have any dice of Luck.

 

GM:  You also notice that all of the New Gods are standing ready, as if expecting you to teleport in.  (pause)  Athena may have had a vision that Just Cause would show up.

 

The team opts to appear on the third-level walkway right by Athena, planning to take out the mentalist quick.  The mentalist with Danger Sense, and extra DCV levels based on her DS roll, which can bring her up to an 11 DCV.  Not every hero attacks her, but every attack against her at the start of the fight does miss.  Including Circe's telekinetic blast, for which she rolled a critical failure (18) and accidentally hits Pops, CON-stunning him.

 

Maker:  Noooo!  Not only does Malarky not being here mean that we don't have any Luck!  Him being gone gave us Unluck!

 

The GM's dice, however, were mostly on fire.

 

GM:  Artemis doesn't like Circe's mental attacks, so she's taking a shot at her.  With range mods from all the way across the cell block and Circe's partial cover from people in the way, even with all levels on OCV Artemis only has a 9 or less to hit.  (rolls)  Huh.  8.  I guess the gods don't like you today.

 

Once he recovers from being Stunned, Pops teleports Drake into a cell in another section of the building, denying Zeus the chance to lightning bolt his original self.  Zeus sends Artemis to search for Drake, so Pops teleports to Drake and Megascale teleports both himself and Drake to the PRIMUS base in Boston.

 

Pops:  How fast can you scramble an assault team?  I think we're gonna need one.

 

Ares jumps up and grabs Shadowboxer, who responds by using his shadows (Extra Limbs) to grab Ares.  The two begin squeezing each other, but Ares simply laughs. 

 

Ares:  You will not win this battle, mortal!

 

I counted the dice in front of Shadowboxer's player each time Ares squeezed ("That's 8d6 for his 40 STR, plus 5d6 for his Super-Push, minus 4d6 for your Damage Negation..."  "That's 10d6 for his 50 STR..."  "That's 12d6 for his 60 STR...") but the player wasn't noticing, so finally I say it point-blank.

 

GM:  You notice that he's getting stronger the more you do physical damage to him.  Probably Absorption of some kind.

Shadowboxer:  Yeah, I kinda realized that a little late.

 

Shadowboxer falls unconscious.

Ares:  (looking down at Shadowboxer with a smirk)  Puny mortal.

 

Nexus hits Hermes with enough OCV drains to reduce him to 1 OCV.

 

GM:  At this point, Hermes can't even hit himself.

 

Infuriated at losing his chance to off Col. Drake and seeing how much of a pain Nexus is going to be, Zeus decides to blast her with a lightning bolt.  Again, the GM's dice are on fire (or super-charged as the case may be).

 

GM:  (rolls straight 4d6 RKA)  That's... ouch.  20 BODY and... 60 STUN.  (This gets 5 BODY past her rED and one-shot KO's Nexus)

 

Ares and Athena had taken Honey Badger down, so this leaves just Circe and Maker standing. 

 

Zeus:  Surrender, now, and I will let you live.  You leave, we leave.

Circe:  Go ahead, then.  Leave.

Zeus:  Do you surrender?  Know that if you or any of your comrades attack us, we will show you no mercy.

Circe:  Since when have you shown mercy?

Zeus:  I'm showing it now.  You're still alive, aren't you?  And as an act of good faith on your part... (points at Maker)  show yourself.

Maker:  (OOC)  I have my cloak field on!  I'm invisible!  Does he even know where I am?

GM:  He's pointing right at you.  So apparently, yes.

Maker:  (IC)  Why should I show myself?  So you can attack me?
Zeus:  I can attack you now

 

The two remaining heroines reluctantly agree, and the New Gods leave.  When Pops returns, he takes Nexus to the hospital.  Not surprisingly, the players were not happy with the outcome.

 

Pops:  We lost.  For the first time, we lost.

GM:  Not completely.  You kept the New Gods from killing Col. Drake, which was the only reason Zeus himself was there in the first place.

Pops:  We still lost.

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Side note.  The players grumbled quite a bit last night when the villains would take a shot at them when they were down (but still within a Recovery of becoming conscious again). 

 

GM:  You do realize that this is exactly the same thing you do when a bad guy drops.

Nexus:  Of course.  We want to make sure he doesn't get back up.

GM:  So this same tactic is somehow evil only when the bad guys do it?

Nexus:  Um... yeah?

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Friday evening, two days before our normal Sunday night game session, the other GM (for D&D4) texted me asking if I could run again.  Despite the last minute notice and the fact that the heroes have put away most of my new villain teams, I managed to throw together a decent Christmas-themed adventure.

 

The recap article in the weekly Heronet Herald news sheet, about the PC heroes losing to the New Gods, has the headline "Heroes Balk, New Gods Walk."

 

Circe:  You know, this reporter was doing so good up until now.

 

Another article is about the National Guard closing off a section of the Everglades because of the appearance of humanoid amphibians.

 

Honey Badger:  Anybody want to make a trip to Florida?  Those things look tasty!

 

Nexus is contemplating the injuries she sustained the week before.

 

Nexus:  How long am I going to have to stay in the hospital?

Malarky:  It depends.  How much BODY damage did you take?

Nexus:  I'm down 5 BODY.

Malarky:  Yeaaaah.  You're gonna be in there a while.

 

Malarky offers to cast a healing spell or two to remove the damage.

 

Honey Badger:  (to Nexus)  But you have to be naked for the spell to work.

Nexus:  I don't think so.

Honey Badger:  No, really.  You do.  (to Malarky)  Doesn't she?  C'mon, help a guy out here.

 

Before Malarky can get back to do the healing, Nexus is visited at the hospital by her brother Mateus .  When he hugs her before leaving to pick up their sister Sofia to do some Christmas shopping, Nexus has a vision of Mateus and Sofia getting caught in a riot at a shopping mall.  She can't tell which mall, but sees that they were in a Pandora jewelry store and Mateus had a shopping bag for Felicity Sweets.

 

Nexus:  Were you by any way planning to do any shopping at Pandora?

Mateus:  Well, if you're just going to spoil the surprise there's not much point to me wrapping things, is there?

 

Since there was a news article about shoppers rioting at several malls across the country, the heroes decide to dig deeper.  All four malls with previous riots had only one store in common:  Hirschfields, a high-end boutique store.  Looking at the list of possible malls in the Boston area that have a Pandora and Felicty Sweets as well as a Hirschfields, they narrow the list to two malls:  Copley Place and the Colonial Galleria.

 

Nexus:  Two malls?
GM:  What, you thought I was going to make it easy for you?

 

Nexus uses her stolen VIPER flyer bots to stake out both malls while they continue to research.  They learn that a group called the Corporate Raiders had attacked a Hirschfields distribution warehouse in San Diego early in the month.

 

Maker:  Do the Corporate Raiders have a mentalist?
GM:  Here's what PRIMUS has on the Raiders.  (hands over printout)

Maker:  (reading aloud)  ... The leader of the Raiders is Union, a projecting empath with the ability to affect large groups of people.  I'd call that a 'yes.'

 

Nexus says she and Pops are checking out the Galleria in disguise.  Laying out a pre-printed mall map, I replace a corner kiosk with a "Santa's Workshop" where kids are lined up to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what they want for Christmas.  i also put out eight large (full-hex) squares marked with ribbons and a bow, scattered around the mall.

 

Pops:  What are those?

GM:  They're large fake presents, basically huge Christmas decorations for the mall.  (pause)  Actually, would you believe I gift-wrapped the villains for you?

 

Walking around, Nexus notes a number of people having magic on them.  All are male, and the only member of the Raiders who uses magic is Rainwalker, a Native-American female.  Whom PRIMUS notes is hunted by DEMON.

 

Malarky:  (looking at the PRIMUS report on the Raiders)  Wait, Factory Recall is hunted by VIPER... so is Mark Futures.  Daytrader is hunted by ARGENT.  Fat Cat is wanted by the Russian mafia.  Guys, we could be looking at a free-for-all here.

 

Pops steps outside the mall preparing to teleport out, collect the rest of the team, and then teleport all of them to the mall.  He discovers that a freak blizzard has popped up.

 

Maker:  That's gotta be Rainwalker's work.  Can I gadgeteer some sort of weather detector to find out where it's centered, so I can find her?
GM:  Sure.  It's a MegaArea effect, so you can pin her down to a 1-km radius.  Centered on the mall.

 

Pops calls PRIMUS and gives them a heads-up.

 

Pops:  You need to get a team out to the Colonial Galleria.  We have reason to believe the Corporate Raiders are there and plan to start another mall riot.
PRIMUS agent:  We'll do what we can, but with this blizzard the JumpJet is grounded.  We'll have to get there by van.  Or 4x4s.

Pops:  Good luck with that.  I'll bet the roads suck.

 

After he collects the rest of the team (ending at Maker), Pops' mass teleport doesn't go as planned.  For some reason, only half the team arrives at the mall.  Maker ends up at the airport, and Honey Badger finds himself in the South End, and Pops notes that there was some sort of energy surge from Maker at the time of the teleport.  Luckily, the team wasn't trying to teleport straight in to ambush the villains, so he has time to collect his wayward teammates.

 

Pops:  (to Maker)  Keep this up, and you may lose your travel privileges.

 

While Pops is collecting Maker and Honey Badger, Shadowboxer does some recon.

 

Shadowboxer:  The mall Santa -- does he happen to look like Fat Cat?

GM:  Hard to tell with the beard and Santa hat, but you hear him ask the kid on his lap, (bad French accent)  "Zho, have you been ze good child zis year?"

 

Shadowboxer also determines that the "elf" helping Santa could possibly be Union.

Circe:  Mind controlling a bunch of kids at Christmas...  how evil is that?  Everybody's going to go into a greedy frenzy, aren't they?

Maker:  So basically, just another Christmas shopping day at the mall.

Nexus:  It probably doesn't even take much effort on Union's part.

 

The kid hops down off Santa's lap... and promptly kicks the "elf" in the leg before running off to his waiting mom.

 

Circe:  I'm keeping an eye on that kid.

 

Mark Futures (the Raiders' precog) warns his teammates that the heroes are about to enter the mall.

 

Circe:  If he could know we were coming, why did they even show up here in the first place?

GM:  I thought about him and Nexus having dueling precog visions, but every scenario I thought about quickly got too complicated.  So eventually I just said, "F*** it."

 

Nexus had gone outside to get some magical buffs (mass stone skin and luck) from Malarky, and when she heads back in she sees a group of five DEMON agents.  They pull out wands.

DEMON agent:  Well, we were actually looking for Rainwalker, but you'll do...

 

The heroes make quick work of the DEMON agents, and Honey Badger crashes through the inner doors to find Factory Recall (big robot) standing where one of the big decorative presents was, with bits of cardboard and wrapping paper hanging off it.

 

Honey Badger:  Where did that come from?

GM:  It was inside the present.  I told you I gift-wrapped the villains for you.

 

Malarky one-shots Union with a magical shillelagh while Shadowboxer takes on Fat Cat / Santa. 

Shadowboxer:  Why are you doing this?  Starting riots at malls... you're destroying the spirit of Christmas!

Fat Cat:  Ze companies, zey have already destroyed Christmas!  All zis greed!  How can you defend that?

Shadowboxer:  But what about the kids?

Fat Cat:  Zey are just rich little brats.  Zat one... (nods toward the kid that kicked Union in the shin, and is currently heading toward another DEMON agent to kick him as well) ... he keecked me before Union even used his powers!  He does not deserve ze Christmas!

Shadowboxer:  Okay, fair enough.

 

Honey Badger squares off against Factory Recall.

 

Factory Recall:  (robotic voice)  Subject identified:  Honey Badger.  Threat assessment:  near-Omega level.

Honey Badger:  You actually have to say that out loud?
FR:  (robotic voice) Programming dictates... affirmative.

 

Maker (with her stealth field on) uses her EMP.  While it doesn't affect the well-shielded FR, it does cause Daytrader to curse and toss his now-useless radar goggles aside.

 

FR:  (robotic voice) Shielding operational.  Subject identified:  Maker.  Threat assessment:  moderate.  Tactical assessment:  What the hell.  (punches her, knocking her back and stunning her)

 

HB responds.

 

HB:  This one's coming all the way from Cleveland!   (does a haymaker punch on FR, causing a massive dent and sending it smashing into the fountain)

FR:  (robotic voice)  What the F***!  I mean, damage sustained to multiple subsytems.  Updating assessment of subject Honey Badger.  Threat is full Omega level.  Self does not like Cleveland.

 

Circe uses TK to grab the kid before he can get to the DEMON agents and moves him to his mother.  The kid breaks free from her grip and runs over to the unconscious Union and grabs the hardhat Union had put on when Mark Futures gave his warning.

 

Kid:  Mine!

Circe:  I hope Honey Badger didn't see that brat stealing his schtick.

 

Downsizer tags Circe with her main power.

 

GM:  How much Power Defense do you have?

Circe:  10 points

GM:  (rolls a 1 on 1d6, while Circe's player smiles)  Okay, I need you to keep track of this, and let me know when it accumulates more than 10 points.

Circe:  Wait... what?!

 

By phase 12, there are 12 total points of effect.

 

GM:  Eh, that's probably just a couple of inches.

Circe:  What do you mean, a couple of inches?

GM:  Circe notices she's shrinking, slowly but steadily.

Circe:  Guys, someone needs to find Downsizer, right the f*** now!

 

Luckily, the team is able to take down most of the Raiders (though Rainwalker, Factory Recall, and Downsizer escape).  By the time PRIMUS arrives, Circe is 1" tall. 

 

Circe:  Okay, this is a different perspective.  If this keeps up, I may have to go back to the bag lady disguise.

GM:  Actually, being shrunk like that could work well for a mentalist.

Circe:  True... if I could turn it on and off.  Stuck like this, though, not so great.

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Side note.  The players grumbled quite a bit last night when the villains would take a shot at them when they were down (but still within a Recovery of becoming conscious again). 

 

GM:  You do realize that this is exactly the same thing you do when a bad guy drops.

Nexus:  Of course.  We want to make sure he doesn't get back up.

GM:  So this same tactic is somehow evil only when the bad guys do it?

Nexus:  Um... yeah?

My brother once told me the followign story:

The romans were at war again, and both armies were on other sides of a river.

The enemy crossed 1/3 of thier army. The romans attacked in full force and wiped that 1/3 out. Romans: "It was a gloroious day where our igenuity prevailed".

Then the romans crossed 1/3 of thier army. The enemy attack in force and wiped that 1/3 out as well. Romans: "How dare these dastardly barbarians use such a malicious, dishonobrale tactic!"

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The Majestic Potoobear, and Things To Do With Small Rodents
From the longer-running D&D campaign - Off to Tribor and the Temple of Elemental Pains-in-the-Arse

GM: Those Aarakocra are still following you, discreetly.
Lamech: Circling like vultures.

We're crossing the hills on the most direct route possible, and spot a wolf ahead of us.

GM: It's dropping markers every few minutes.
Kerak: ... You mean peeing.
GM: .... Yes.

It's the druid's assistant, making sure we don't get lost. What a shame he didn't notice the monster encounter he lead us straight into.

Lamech: Well, that's what comes of spending an hour following a Shitzu.

Kavorog failed to notice the ambush either.

Lamech: Too busy thinking about the Blue Knight, were you?
Kavorog: Dat Ass!

GM: The orc longbows target the unarmoured dragonborn!
Kavorog: Unarmed? Pff.
Lamech: It's the boob window.

Still, after a hard battle, we prevail for long enough to consider looting the bodies.

Kerak: Should we really pick that sword up? The Orc said it needed to drink the gnome's blood.
Lamech: Reasonable grounds for suspicion, I believe is the legal term.
Kerak: A bit dodgy, in the colloquial.


And from the more recently started one. This session was such non-stop wit and filthy jokes that I missed recording at least half of them.

Learning the spell Web

Salazar: Yes, Dirty Franz covers everything in sticky white stuff.
Ewen: And I promptly set myself on fire.
Salazar OoC: One of my characters in the other game learned the legendary Bukkake Missile.

Salazar: I might be nastier than the tiefling, but I AM human.
Heather: Eh, jury's still out on that.

The Dirty Franz Guide to Schools of Magic

Salazar: Abjuration - Dirty Frank smells so bad things go away
Heather: Conjuration - Dirty Franz smells so bad he attracts wild animals. Divination - Dirty Franz gets so high on his own stink he can see into the fucking future.
Salazar: Enchantment - People keep Dirty Franz around for some reason. We think this is why.
Heather: Evocation - I AM the boomstick !
Ewen: Dirty Franz smells OFFENSIVELY bad
Heather: Illusion - Dirty Franz smells so bad he warps OTHER people's perception of reality. Necromancy - Smells so bad even the dead get up and walk away.
Ewen: Or the dead assume he's already a Lich and do what he says.
Heather: Transmutation - Dirty Franz smells so bad he warps reality.

Heather: I can suddenly talk to animals!.... I'm one step closer to becoming a Disney Princess.

Dirty Franz: We found evidence he was going to kidnap us.... And killed him first.
Jurgen: Sequence of events is important. But not in this case.
Ewen: Maybe in court.

Heather speaks to some rats on the far side of a door.

Heather: My time has come.... Squeak! SQUEAK SQUEAK! SQUEAKUM!
Rat: Where is my master?
Heather: I'm your new master!
Rat: You don't sound like a wizard.
Heather: ... That's because I'm a wizard's apprentice!

The room is a wizard's lab and library - the rat peers at us from among the alchemical equipment.

Jurgen: Nobody insult the rat, he has a retort ready.
All: *groan*
Salazar: ... My fault, I listened.

GM: Dirty Franz has it made - all the wizard's spellbooks and scrolls are here.
Salazar: Can Franz even read?
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz always on lookout for soft paper.

Rat: I have a bit of an issue here - you killed my master.
Ewen: Well he was being a bit of a dick.

The bigger problem is that with the wizard dead, the rat familiar will soon dissipate back into the realms of plot convenience.

Heather: So, does anybody know the Find Familiar spell?
Dirty Franz: *holds up hand*
Heather: Yes, what is it Franz? Do you need to go to the toilet? Lie down? Sleep?
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz knows Familiar spell.
Heather: Why am I not surprised you talk to vermin.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz had gerbil once. His name was Lemmiwinks.
All: ....
Ewen's player: Now where have I heard that name before.... Oh god.
Salazar OoC : And moving swiftly on!!! Right now!
Dirty Franz: I kept him in my Dimensional Pocket.
Ewen: Argghhhh!
Heather: OK, I want to know... But I'm afraid to ask.

Salazar: I know some people that will pay good coin for an invisibility potion. Back at the Academy.
Heather: Oh?
Salazar: Yes. Professors, mostly.
Heather: ... D:
Dirty Franz: They have to avoid the students somehow.
Salazar: 'Avoid'?

Dirty Franz OoC: Spider Climb will be a useful Buff.
Heather OoC: Useful for you too.
Dirty Franz OoC: Yes, you can wake up in the middle of the night to find Franz clinging to the ceiling, watching you.
Heather: .... Go back to sleep.
Ewen: If I ever wake up to something like that, I'm setting the ceiling on fire.

Salazar: You know Heather, if you really want to learn how to be a Princess, you have to master the art of gargling walnuts.
Heather: That sounds difficult. Do you do it with water?
Salazar: Generally no.
Heather: Is it really worth learning?
Salazar: You'll find it invaluable on your wedding night.
Heather: Why do people keep going on about my wedding night? I thought I'd be too busy fucking to need all this other stuff.

Heather: I suspect Franz will be getting a lot of use out of the ability to see through his familiar's eyes.
GM: And the rat will be doing a lot of covering its own eyes and screaming.
Rat: Brain Bleach! Brain Bleach!
Heather: Why is it that it's the teifling and the warlock that make me LEAST uncomfortable?
Salazar: Because humans are scum.

Heather: Why are they still using copper coins? Haven't they heard of inflation?

We also find a roomful of bugbears 'demeaning' a goblin.

GM: I'm sparing you the details.
Dirty Franz OoC: You forget what kind of party this is. The goblin failed his Anal Circumference test, did he?

Salazar: Wait... You said the bugbears are busy 'demeaning' the goblin? Exactly how much armour are they wearing?
GM: ..... fuck.

GM: The bugbear is very angry and swings both morningstars.
Dirty Franz OoC: 'Both'?
GM: *sigh* Alright, all three morningstars.

Salazar: OK - I unarmed-attack the bugbear *does 23 points of damage*And now I have him grappled... By the 'morningstar'.
Bugbear: *screams*
Salazar OoC: Well, the rules say grapple controls his movement XD

Jurgen makes swift work of another bugbear.

Ewen: And every hit was to the junk.
GM: And the bugbear is dead.
Dirty Franz OoC: And converted to Judaism.
Heather: I can't believe you did all that slashing damage to his 'morningstar'.

Salazar finishes off the first bugbear.

GM: *sigh*and you have a trophy.
Salazar: And now I can say to the next person that annoys me 'The last person who annoyed me, I tore his dick off.'

Salazar: Now how am I ever expected to top this?
Heather: For gods sake man, stop waving that thing around!

Salazar has a conversation with the goblin.

Salazar: Get to Charsmouth, and ask around the docks for Slippery Eli. The person, not the sex act.
Heather: What??
Salazar: If he gets to Charsmouth alive and delivers this letter, he's got a job. Eli's always after fresh talent. And if he can survive five minutes with bugbears without getting his neck snapped, he's obviously got potential.

There's also a set of slave cages, and a pile of discarded clothes. Dirty Franz gets to work on his annual change of wardrobe.

GM: It's not just the current prisoner's clothes. It's quite a large pile.
Dirty Franz OoC: That's OK, I'll go for the layered look.
Heather: The big dress suits you.

We find out that the rest of the slaves have been sold to Orcs at Cragsmoor Castle.

Salazar: Well, it's always nice to have a target.
GM: I had a chapter full of side quests to get you to this point!
Heather: I know, we were just killing time a bar and we accidentally their entire base.

Slave: They killed my husband because he defied them!
Ewen: *shrug* And we killed the entire gang because they defied us.
Heather: We crawled up their arse so hard they died.

GM: Whoever is behind this calls themselves the Black Spider.
Ewen: Hang about, let me check my notes - there's at least 56 criminal organisations that use that as their name. Or variants.
Heather: The Ebon Spider.
Ewen: And the Bleak Spider.
Dirty Franz: The dyslexic one.

After this profitable hour of bloodshed and mayhem, it's time to patch up any minor injuries and prepare our excuses for why we murdered a dozen people after one of them tried to pick a fight

Salazar: Yup, that's healing magic alright - takes away the hurt, leaves the pain.
Ewen: I think I've got the hang of this.
Heather: You'd better, I remember what happened to that cat.
Ewen: Don't worry, I haven't blown up anything for weeks.
Heather: You haven't used Heal in over a week!

Salazar: I'm trying to come up with some way of saying 'Don't worry, we're not planning on killing anybody else tonight and we're leaving in the morning'

Heather: He was going to kidnap us, and we killed him.
Sildar: What???
Heather: Think of us as violently protective bodyguards.
Sildar: Albrecht? I can't believe this! He's a member of the Lord's Alliance!
Heather: Why not, they're all a bunch of dicks anyway. Unlike the nobility up north, they'll backstab you in the front.
Salazar: Or if they do backstab you will give you a reach-around as they do.

GM: Eventually word gets around that you've effectively wiped out the biggest threat in town.
Ewen: Is it because I'm sitting in the bar itemising the huge pile of loot?
Dirty Franz: That and the big pyramid of heads.

A party ensues. Heather gets Hella Drunk.

Ewen: I don't know how to put livers back together.

All the shopkeepers that would have hired us to deal with the Red Brands turn up with spontaneous gifts.

Heather OoC: I don't know what to do - I'm so many sheets to the wind that people are just turning up and giving me money.
Salazar: If you're dancing and people are throwing money at you, you're supposed to start taking clothes off.

Salazar considers ways to top the Morningstar incident.

Salazar: Hey, shopkeeper, do you have any melon-ballers?

Heather: Franz... Hey. Franz. I get where you're coming from, man. I worship Sune, but you worship the God of Filth. And I only party some of the time, but you stink around the clock!
Dirty Franz: *hunched over his My Little Pony figures at one of the tables, and looking more and more nervous as Heather goes on*
Salazar: Hey, Franz! Why don't you and I go upstairs for a party with these lovely ladies!
GM: You realise that the moment Franz sees the bath, you're going to have to Grapple him?
Salazar: Yup!
Heather: You don't understand, he's carrying out his priestly duties!
Salazar: Scrub away, ladies, scrub away!

Salazar: You realise that to worship Sune properly, you have to help Franz find his inner beauty? So grab a sponge.
Ewen: 'On a stick, I'm not a monster'

Heather grabs the most handsome man in the bar and drags him upstairs.

Ewen: Wait - I think that's me.
Heather: *yoink*

Ewen gets a membership offer from the Zhentarim, a secret society of evil mercenaries and the like.

Salazar: And it's not me who gets the offer. Because I'm busy.
Heather: 'You're far too silly to join our super-serious dark and edgy organisation!'
Ewen: Instead they approach the warlock who visibly glowing with positive energy. 'You're a warlock, right?' '.... Yes?'
Heather OoC: 'The rules are that's you're not allowed to smile, so turn that smile upside-down'

Ewen OoC: And because I glanced at the GMs laptop at the wrong moment and saw the thing about joining the Harpers, I'm going to try and join them, too XD *rolls a Natural 20* I like the sound of your organisation and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Salazar: I think we're going to be in town for a few days, so I'm putting up some notices - 'Rugged Man-About-Town Seeks Halfling Size Queen'

And they're still trying to get Franz clean, despite Franz's efforts.

Ewen: Go down to the blacksmith, see if you can borrow his wire brush.

Ewen ALSO gets a membership offer to the Order of the Gauntlet. It's becoming obvious why Albrecht managed to be a traitor - the various conspiracies are too incompetent to notice that they're all trying to recruit the same guy.

Salazar: This is going to make for an interesting coat-of-arms some day.
Ewen: I'm sure that these offers were supposed to go to different characters, but this is hilarious.
Heather: 'Excuse me, you seem to be the only one who's not completely blitzed'.

GM: There's a bounty on Orcs.
Salazar: Whoop-de-fucking-do.
GM: They're threatening economic stability in the region.
Salazar: Ah, that's different - now I've got a reason to kill them. Society only survives thanks to enlightened self-interest.

Sildar also approaches Ewen, to ask if Heather will be interested in joining the Lord's Alliance.

Dirty Franz OoC: Assuming Sildar didn't see her table-dancing last night.

Dirty Franz: I think the Red Brands are recruiting.
Heather: 'Will you people fuck off and let me count my money!!!!'

Heather: What happened last night?
Salazar: You got to see Franz naked.
Dirty Franz OoC: And Ewen had to chew his own arm off for some reason.
Ewen: And I joined two public and two secret organisations. Explanations later.

Heather: Odd they'd accept me after I ran away from my parents.
Ewen: Well, the head of the Lord's Alliance in Neverwinter is the Adventurer King - he probably considers it a glowing recommendation.
Salazar: Aren't they still pressuring him to get married? *eyes Heather speculatively*
Heather: Isn't he like, 40?
Ewen: 50, now.
Salazar: But still vital.

GM: I'm still impressed that this entire session has been one combat.
Ewen: And looting.
Dirty Franz: And table-dancing.
Salazar: And Dirty Franz had a bath.
Dirty Franz OoC: You remember the Peanuts character Pigpen, and the way the cloud would reform around him over a few panels?
Salazar: That's a shitty use of Prestidigitation. You realise the next attempt to get you clean will involve exorcism, right?

Heather has new plate armour.

Dirty Franz: Hope you've got a gambason on under that.
Heather: What? You people try wearing bare metal next to your nips. That stuff chafes.
Salazar: Well, there goes my fantasy for night.
Heather: And then there's those girls that wear chain mail against the skin - SOMETHING'S going to get pinched. Now shut up, I'm going to go do cartwheels in my new armour. *fails the DEX check, rolls to bottom of hill* I'm fine, my new armour protected me. Also, it's not grass stains, it's the green blood of my enemies. Ewen, bring my dinner down here.

Random Encounter!

Heather: Owlbears have an INT of 3.
GM: It's the Majestic Potoo-bear.
Ewen: Hard to take seriously as its mauling you to death.

hqdefault.jpg

It's also difficult to take it seriously when it's held to the ground with Evard's Naughty Tentacles and on fire.

Salazar: We eat tonight!

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Various quests for Murder-hobos Inc. And again, this is about half of the quotable quotes this session - I can only type so fast.

Dirty Franz OoC: Apparently the banshee likes pretty things, so Ewen is probably safe. Dirty Franz definitely isn’t.

Heather: We’re in the wilderness?
Salazar: Yes – we just had a random encounter, remember?
Dirty Franz OoC: I suppose, given the overall state of the place, that we just might have encountered an owlbear in the pub.

Salazar: Before meeting Dirty Franz I used to think that story about wizards creating owlbears was bullshit. Now, it’s all too believable.

Heather: There’s some dragon-headed thing coming.
Dirty Franz: He looks familiar.
Jurgen: No, your familiar is a rat.

Stro Vah Qo’s player: What was my character’s name again?
Ewen’s player: Bubbles the Wonder Lizard.

Dirty Franz: *rolls a 1 or Arcana check* Dirty Franz heard that banshees are allergic to ducks.
Salazar: … What????... I need to learn to stop listening to Franz.

GM: Apparently the banshee lives in a gazebo.
Dirty Franz OoC: We’re not high enough level for gazebos!

Dirty Franz: That guy said the banshee likes pretty things. Dirty Franz volunteers Ewen to go in first.
Heather: Aye.
Salazar: Yeah, alright.

Banshee: Foolish Mortals! Don-
Jurgen: Yeah yeah, we get the idea, here’s the deal-
Heather: *slaps hand over Jurgen’s mouth*
Banshee: Don’t you know it is death to seek me out!
Stro: No, I’m not deaf.
Salazar: Heather, you keep Jurgen silent, I’ll do Stro.

Ewen: We have a gift for you.
Banshee: … you have my interest. Go on.
Ewen: This beautiful comb for your hair.
Jurgen: I didn’t know she had a rabbit.
Heather: What?
Jurgen: Her hare.
Heather: .... *sigh*
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz likes rabbits. I hug them and pet them.
Jurgen: But they keep dying?
Dirty Franz: Tell me about the rabbits, Jurge.

The Banshee suitably charmed, we head off on the next quest – investigating reports of zombies at Old Owl Well.

Heather: Franz, stop trying to create Random Encounters.
Ewen: He’s just inventing the long-form spell for Summon Monster.
Dirty Franz OoC: It involves strapping pork chops to yourself and wandering around going ‘yoohoo, free dinner’

Salazar: Old Owl Well? Eh. We should the Orcs keep it.
Heather: But it’s zombies, not orcs. Different kind of greenskin.

The party start arguing among themselves about who should ‘volunteer’ to scout ahead in the zombie camp. They eventually turn around to find Franz playing with his My Little Ponies again.

Heather: Franz. Franz. We only stopped for five minutes. Put the ponies away and help us scout this pavilion.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz’s rat has already gone ahead.
Heather: ….
Salazar: It’s a sad day when OUR wizard is smarter than the rest of us.
Heather: OK. That’s good thinking Franz, I respect that. But I’d respect you more if you had a bath.
Salazar: He had a bath. It just didn’t take.

Heather accosts the returning rat and demands a sitrep.

Salazar: Hey! Leave my emergency rations alone!

Salazar: Wait – it was the rat’s idea, wasn’t it?
Dirty Franz: *stroking the hair of one of his ponies*
Salazar OoC: Well, as long as it’s Fluttershy or Luna.
Dirty Franz OoC: G3.5 ponies.
Salazar: *flinch*

Despite the reports, the pavilion is actually occupied by skeletons.

Salazar: Hey godbotherer – mind asking them what I did to piss them off? I can’t use a melon-baller on skeletons.
Jurgen: You bought a melon-baller. With intent.

Salazar: Back in Sharsmouth some of the rich families use cedar oil to keep their ancestor’s bodies intact.
Heather: Back up north we use whiskey and wandering around in the snow.
Salazar: I meant the bodies of the dead.
Heather: Back home you sometimes wish you were dead.

Some of us go up to the front, while Salazar and the others sneak around the back of the pavilion and lift up the edge.

Heather: Hey! Who’s in there!
Necromancer: Who’s there?
Stro: I am!
Heather: He is!
Dirty Franz: And so is Dirty Franz, apparently.

Salazar takes one look inside tent, notices that every skeleton is prominently stamped with the Sharsmouth Necromancers guild marks, and hurries back around frantically waving his hands to abort the attack.

Heather: Don’t you know who Bahamas is? He’s the most important dragon ever. And he can totally hang ten.
Stro: … I will stab you.

Necromancer: TK-118, fetch these people some tea.
Salazar: Ah, bone china.

GM: The necromancer is a jolly kind of person.
Heather: ‘I like killing things and resurrecting their bodies! What do you do?”
Ewen: Just the first one.

Heather’s player: I’m sorry, I couldn’t see Weldun’s hand gestures past Drhoz’s afro.
Dirty Franz’s player: Sorry.
Heather’s Player: *currently shaved bald* Yes, go ahead and apologise for your gorgeous hair.

Necromancer: So what are you doing out here anyway?
Heather: Hang on, I've got a list.. oh for fucks sake, Franz wrote this down. Hang on a tad, this might take some interpretation.

Necromancer: I don’t suppose you could ask the Banshee a question for me?
Jurgen: I think we already outstayed our welcome there.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz thinks she was sweet on Ewen.
Salazar: There’s taking one for the team, and then there’s that.
Ewen: And given my powers are positive energy based, I don’t think it would work out.

The Necromancer offers an ancient, oversized gold ring as a bribe for the banshee. Ewen finds this amusing.

Heather: Ewen, I’m putting my veto down now. You’re not marrying the banshee. It’s not because she’s a ghost, it’s because she’s a fucking elf.

The inscription is complicated, too.

Salazar: If it’s 'Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul' we’re leaving

GM: You misread the inscription – it’s not a Ring of Protection, it’s a Ring of Prophylaxis.
Dirty Franz: Left out the quote marks. It’s a Ring of ‘Protection’.
Salazar: Sharsmouth wizards use them whenever they summon Succubi.
Ewen: ‘Wear Me Well In The South’

We head back to the Banshee’s hut.

Heather: I pre-emptively tackle Jurgen.

Ewen: An archaeologist working at ruins to the south has heard of your great knowledge.
Dirty Franz: And beauty.
Heather: *calling from well back where she’s holding Jurgen down* But he’s really shy!
Jurgen: I’m just enjoying the body contact.

The Banshee is pleased by the gift of the ring, and the question about the ruined tower, since they remind her of happier times.

Heather: That’s the first time I’ve seen somebody get introspective over a cockring.

Salazar: I thought it was a Ring of Protection the moment he said it was oversized.
Heather: I was thinking lizardfolk. But it was the wrong lizard.

To the fury of any true archeologists, Franz and Ewen stroll around the ruins turning over random blocks of masonry, to see if they can find anything the necromancer missed. We both roll exceptionally well.

GM: *rolls on some tables* Fuck. You.

GM: You hear Dirty Franz scream as the ground caves in underneath him.
Salazar: Wait for the splash, wait for the splash!

Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz has found a dungeon.
Heather: How far down is he?
Salazar: Hang on *drops rock down the hole* Wait for the Ow.
Dirty Franz: ……. Ow.
Salazar: Right – divide the time delay by two and deduct Franz’s height.

Dirty Franz: Naked flame, confined space, and Dirty Franz – not a good combination.
Heather: Thank god you specified naked flame.

Jurgen: Congratulations, Franz, you’ve managed to find an empty room.
Heather: But if there is anything down here we’re going to take it. Well done Franz! Good Boy! Good Boy!
Jurgen: Do not encourage the Franz.

Dirty Franz: If the corridor is level there must be something down there, under the rubble.
Salazar: Do I look like a digger? I’m over five foot and I don’t have a beard.

Only SOME of the doors down here are rusted solid.

GM: The first thing you notice is the smell.
Jurgen: We’ve got Franz with us. We don’t notice.
GM: It smells worse than Franz.
Stro: Oh god.
Jurgen: Did Franz just fart?
Dirty Franz: *speculatively sniffing his own armpits*

The room beyond is filled with a foul green mist.

Jurgen: I light a torch and throw it in.
GM: WHOOMPH!
Salazar: I’ve heard diggers talk about firedamp, I’m already dodging.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz didn’t do it!

GM: There is the screeching of multiple creatures before they notice the door is open.
Dirty Franz: And the roof is on fire.
GM: And the roof is on fire.
Salazar OoC: OK, so who DIDN’T have the song run through their head?
GM: You rush through to attack.
Heather: Oh no we don’t – this is not how it’s going down.
Jurgen: Let THEM come through the chokepoint.

GM: The creatures look like big green humanoid bats.
Heather: They’re adorable!
Ewen: That have been beaten with a shovel.
Heather: They’re adorable!
Salazar: Oh good, they have eyes. *pulls out melon-baller* OK fellas! Who’s first?

GM: The creatures make their plans in Abyssal.
Ewen: I’m Celestial.
Jurgen: I speak Infernal.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz speaks Common and Murder-hobo.

GM: Did you Grease this side of the door, or the far side?
Salazar: The far side – Franz is repugnant, not retarded.
GM: As you kill them they melt into a foul green mist.
Salazar: I’m upset – I could have got a good price for a fiend’s eyeball.

A combination of the chokepoint, Franz’s Grease and Web spells, Stro’s Thunderwave, and Salazar’s threat with the melon-baller, completely turns the tables and we now outnumber the surviving fiends.

Salazar: I skate across the grease into the room, grapple one, and use Action Surge to scoop out its eyeball.

GM: The fiends are fleeing. They might be evil but they were at home here!

Dirty Franz: *waves his heavy metal walking stick, charges through the doorway, roaring* FOR SHARSMOUTH! *slips on his own Grease spell and goes arse over tits*
Heather: Well, that was a thing that happened.

Stro’s player: I keep forgetting all my magic.
Heather: ‘Oh wait, I’m a dragon!’
Dirty Franz OoC: No existential angst for him.

The fiend Salazar has grappled tries to wriggle free.

Salazar: Oh no you don’t! You’re still mine for ten minutes and it’s playtime! *slams the fiends head repeatedly into the wall, because there’s an eyeball in his melon-baller that he wants to keep, and keeps the eyeball in the tool even as he chases the fiend down to finish it off.* I am the KING of Egg and Spoon Races!
GM: The eye survives intact even as the rest of the creature dissolves.
Salazar: You have to remove them alive.

Heather: Hey, Franz, you OK?
Dirty Franz: ….. ow.
Heather: Gimme your hand, you daft bugger, I’ll pull you out.

Salazar: Anybody know how to preserve an eyeball?
Dirty Franz: *points to eyepatch* Dirty Franz wishes he did.
Salazar: I’m got a replacement for you.
Dirty Franz: … Dirty Franz has reservations about this plan.
GM: You can’t do that.
Salazar: Oh come on, it’s a classic trope – a man gets the eye of a lecher and keeps looking a women, another gets the hand of a thief and keeps finding his friends wallets in his pockets...
Ewen: And Franz gets the eye of a stinky demon.
Jurgen: So no-one will notice.

Heather: When I cast Turn Fiends will it turn Franz’s eyeball too?
Jurgen: And make it spin around in his head?

Salazar: Look at it this way, Franz, you’ll be able to see in the dark and look after the Mistress better.
Dirty Franz: … Dirty Franz likes being helpful.

There are larger, more intelligent fiends down here too.

Jurgen: So, prepared to die?
Bearded Devil: Interloper! How dare you intrude in our temple!
Jurgen: Pretty easily thank you. Now shut up and die.

Jurgen: Single thrust, up under the arm.
GM: I’m going to take that to heart.

Dirty Franz: *Enlarges Heather*
Heather: Today is a good day to be a GIANT WOMAN
Dirty Franz: *singing* All I wanna do, is see you turn into, a giant, woman, GIANT WOMAN



It’s a tough fight, but the fiend’s Barbed Devil leader retreats to the altar, as the rest of us converge at speed.

Heather: You have made a grave tactical error, Mister Demon.

Alas, none of them are facing the right direction see that Franz is stripping off as he runs.

Salazar: That’s strange - my instincts are telling me there’s a Presence behind me… but they’re also warning me not to look.

But there is method to Franz’s madness – he’s using the clothing as extra padding as it makes a flying tackle on the Barbed Devil. Unfortunately it’s not enough padding and Franz is forcibly reminded that getting intimate with a rabid porcupine is never a good idea.

Dirty Franz: ……….. owie.

Ewen: So, since you have the last healing spell, do you want to save the wizard? He might smell, but he’s ours. Bear in mind that I’ll kill you if you don’t.

GM: The Barbed Devil tries to drag itself towards the altar –
Stro: No it doesn’t. If it so much as twitches we’d freak.
Heather: There are adventurers that would allow it one last breath – WE ARE NOT THOSE ADVENTURERS.

Heather: I am tired. And enormous.
Purrdence, from the Peanut Gallery: *starts to snicker*
Weldun: Goddamn you, Purrdence, the Smut Field is back. .

Ewen: If it HAD managed to summon a Horned Devil I’d have said Fuck This Noise and run.
Salazar: Tim Curry has come for me, Ima leave.

tim_curry_legend.jpg

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Lions and Tribors and Weres, Oh My.

 

Going cross-country between Phandalin and Tribor. We're busy looting the orc's encampment when our lookout notices the ground in the gulley has just churned up, and something strongly resembling a shark's fin briefly surfaced.

Lamech: Uh-oh. I strongly suggest that anybody that's seen the movie Tremors get up on the rock with me.
GM: Now you know why those Orc's were camped in among the rocks, instead of on open ground.

GM: Your lookout fires off his best spell - he grew up with his granny telling him that halflings are a Land Shark's favourite meat. Well, Land Sharks and Ankhegs, anyway.

Bulette.JPG

We now discover that Land Sharks can not only burrow, they can jump, when it leaps from the bottom of the ravine up onto our cleric, Thorn.

Lamech: So it's just done a Free Willy on him.
Kavorog: Yup. Leap... Squish.

Evidentially Elethandiel never saw Tremors, or Free Willy, since the dragonborn tries to attack it in hand-to-hand, and is promptly mauled. The rest of us are retreating higher onto the rocks and using every ranged attack we have - which isn't many, since we used most of them against the orcs a few minutes earlier. Kavorog HAS seen both movies, but attacks anyway, since he wants to beat it into submission and turn it into his personal riding beast. By the time the creature succumbs - and it only succumbs because everybody was rolling maximum damage - the party is mauled half to death, or half crushed, or mauled and crushed and currently underneath the Land Shark's massive body.

Thorn: Oh my fucking God. *casts Channel Divinity on the idiot dragonborn underneath the Land Shark*
Elethandiel: ...... Ow.

GM: And in 500 years there'll be protests outside LandWorld, complaining about the treatment of the poor captive Land Sharks.

There's also a pride of lions that show up in the middle of the night, but we let them enjoy their meal of dead land shark in peace. The huge bipedal figure that turns up thereafter, muttering in Orcish, is potentially more of a threat. Kavorog decides to light it up with Dancing Lights, because he's an idiot.

GM: It's an Ettin.
Lamech: Oh fuck, a two-headed giant????
GM: The muttering was the clue - it's arguing with itself.

Lamech: At least it doesn't know where the magic came from.
Kavorog: 'Where da pretty light come from?'
Lamech: 'Me smash fairies - grab, grab'

The lions attack while it's distracted. Mufasa instantly gets cut in half and decapitated.

Lamech: The King is dead, long live the King. But since this will be funny if it actually works ... *moves closer to cast Reduce on the giant*

The rest of us snipe, and Kavorog uses the Dancing Lights and Prestidigitation to create a glowing humanoid figure dancing around yelling "Hey! Listen!"

The lions, wisely, flee, which sucks for us, but at least the Ettin still can't tell where half the attacks are coming from, and blunders right into the middle of the kill zone.

GM: The Ettin clips you with its club.... It's a Grazing Mace.
All: *groan*
Urlon: Can we all get Inspiration Points for having to listen to that?

The next day, we find a destroyed Orc camp with wild boars eating the bodies.

Lamech: Kill the pigs!
GM: You typical anti-authoritarian gnome.

GM: The injured and furious boars stand upright and turn to a more humanoid form.
Lamech: Oh, fuck.
Urlon: Wereboars!
Lamech: Could be worse - could be weeaboos.

Elethandiel: What happens now?
Kavorog: We drag you to the nearest hospital.
Urlon: Or temple.
Kavorog: For weeks of treatment.
Lamech: Pigsbane enemas.

This is probably a good time to risk using that magical Bloodsword we picked up, since only magic and silver hurts Lycanthropes. The sword is a Sword of Vengeance, which forces its user to attack anybody that hurts the weirder. Regardless of how many other targets are around. And the circumstances of the attack. And objects viciously if the bearer tries to use any other weapon. Whoops.

On the other hand, Kavorog is also a bit busy right now, trying to drag his idiot cousin Elethandiel back to the rest of the party, so the Sword of Vengeance is out of play for the moment.

Lamech: Web! And now set them on fire.
Urlon: What did we just say about forest fires?!
GM: You really want me to sic Smokey the Werebear on you?

Peanut Gallery: Yay, long pig! Don't forget to harvest the meat!
Lamech: I intend to - evil bacon tastes better.
Peanut Gallery: Better yet capture one live and turn it into a pet to bite anyone that annoys you then come back later for some fresh bacon.

One of the were-boars runs off, with Elethandiel in pursuit - so, entirely in character for boars, she turns and charges the dragonborn.

Thorn: Everybody charge shouting! Maybe we can scare it off!
Lamech: SAUSAAAAGGGEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Thorn is very annoyed with Elethandiel, since he is after all now infected with lycanthropy, and running off after a were-boar is a very good way to end up joining them. Plus, we have other concerns.

GM: A glowing figure of an anthropomorphic bear in a Rangers hat, carrying a shovel and a roll of toilet paper, emerges from the river.
Urlon: Toilet paper?
GM: Yes - what do bears do in the woods? It glares at Lamech and Kavorog.
Lamech: Uh-oh.

Lamech and Kavorog rush to put out the forest fire we just started, but still get cursed with an injunction against starting fires. The clerics in the party gape, then laugh at this intervention by a divine entity.

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A quote from a friends game - the character Laudigan has something of a... reputation.

 

GM: After helping the gnolls settle into the abandoned town, the party regroups to update each other. Laudigan, you are walking weird.
Laudigan: Oh don't mind me, I banged my toe on Gnarly's new furniture.
Party: *suspicion*
Laudigan: *rolls eyes* OKAY, fine, I was picked up and banged on every piece of furniture Gnarly owned and I'm still tender- lay off!
Party: *believes this*

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You know how some comic books will have a few pages involving people other than the main character(s) -- typically setting up the story for that issue.  Every now and then, I pull that in my Champions campaign, having the players run a set of characters I generate.  That is what I did Sunday evening.

 

The temp PCs consisted of:

  • Lt. Vicente Truxillo -- UNTIL Intel / Forensic agent originally from Spain
  • Sgt. Shiiko Ishada -- UNTIL Surveillance originally from Japan, with stealth suit and stealth drone
  • Detective Rodrigo Fuentes -- Nicaraguan federal police officer (20+ years on the force)
  • Detective Alfredo Artega -- Nicaraguan federal police officer with luck powers
  • 1st Sgt. "Oso" Chamaro -- Nicaraguan soldier assigned to protect the federales, primarily Det. Artega.
  • Doreen Park -- wealthy US citizen who is magically adept
  • Pedro Sandoval -- Nicaraguan Red Cross worker with minor psionic and precognitive powers, serving as a guide to Doreen Park

During the first adventure of this campaign, the rest of the hero team had poked a little fun at Maker (a Chinese American) for being a ninja, with her repeatedly responding "I'm Chinese, not Japanese!"

 

When I took each player aside to go over any secret stuff on their character sheets:

 

Sgt. Ishada (played by Maker's character):  (OOC) You made her Japanese and gave her Ninjutsu skills just to mess with me, didn't you?
GM:  Yes, as a matter of fact.  Yes I did.  :)

 

Det Alfredo Artega:  (OOC)  If anybody gets hungry, I happen to be a tasty pasta dish.

 

1st Sgt. Chamaro:  (OOC)  This all takes place in Nicaragua -- do we have to speak Spanish the whole game?

 

A respected farmer in a small Nicaraguan village reported seeing "demonic dogs" and then two days later died in mysterious circumstances.  The UNTIL agents and federales meet at the police morgue in a nearby city, examining the body with the coroner. 

 

Dr. Cabarus:  The lethal wound goes clean through the body.  The murder weapon was triangular in size, about 4cm on a side entering the back, and tapering down to about half that exiting just under the sternum.

Lt. Truxillo:  How much force would be needed to do that?

Dr. Cabarus:  Oh, you'd need a good amount of force.  Someone strong like... the sergeant there.  (points to Chamaro)

Det. Fuentes:  You wouldn't happen to have a triangular-shaped spear, would you, sergeant?
Chamaro:  (whistles innocently while miming leaning on a large spear)

 

Meanwhile, Doreen and Pedro arrive in the town to look into the strange murder.  Doreen is looking for items believed to be connected to a ritual where evil other-world spirits were able to possess a group of missionaries, thus creating the villain team The Corrupted.  The town is on her list of places to search.

 

The crime scene is being watched by a local police officer, Raoul. 

 

Doreen:  Is there any chance I can bribe him to let me check out the crime scene?

GM:  Let's see how honest he is.  Lower is better for you.  (rolls 3 on 3d6)  I'd call that a "yes" on you bribing him.

 

Raoul:  You look thirsty.  I'll just run over to the general store and buy you a drink with this fifty you gave me.

Doreen:  That's an expensive bottle of pop.

 

The federales and UNTIL agents are discussing what kinds of vehicles each pair has.

 

Det. Fuentes:  How about this one?  (shows picture of armored personnel carrier with MG, painted bright blue with "Policia" on the side)

GM:  I'm going to say... no.

 

GM:  The UNTIL agents will want something nondescript.

Det. Fuentes:  Like a Cadillac Escalade?

 

The detectives and UNTIL agents arrive in town to see the crime scene unmanned, and a pair of civilians walking around nearby.
 

Det. Fuentes:  I believe Raoul will be looking for a new job soon...  (to Pedro and Doreen)  What are you two doing contaminating my crime scene?

Pedro:  No!  No!  The crime scene is over thereWe are over here!

Det. Fuentes:  You know, we have some very interesting prisons here in Nicaragua.

 

Doreen:  (reaching for her wallet)  Maybe for a hundred, we can...

Pedro:  NO!  NO!  (stage whisper)  Senorita, you do NOT offer money to the federales!  (pause)  If they want some, they will ask.

 

Pedro helpfully points out some unusual tracks he found about 6m away from the pool of dried blood and leading off into the woods.

 

Pedro:  Capitan?  El general?

Det. Fuentes:  Detective.

Pedro:  El capitan it is.  I found some tracks you might want to see...

Det. Fuentes:  Do they happen to match your boots?
Pedro:  Me?  No!  I have no boots!  (mimes kicking off his shoes)  I am barefoot, see?  Pay no attention to those boots over there...

 

The tracks definitely came from an animal and are consistent with a "demon hound" mentioned in a PRIMUS report shared with UNTIL.  That creature had been summoned by DEMON brothers in the Boston area, and was used to hunt down and kill select individuals.

 

The motley crew of federales, UNTIL agents, and civilians begin talking to people in town to see who knows what.

 

Pedro discovers that his character sheet lists the ability to detect spoken lies.
 

Pedro:  This Rojas that the detective is questioning -- is he telling the truth that he didn't see the murder?

GM:  Rojas is lying like a cheap rug.

 

Meanwhile, using her stealth drone to do an aerial search of the village, Sgt. Ishada notices more "demon hound" tracks on a hill overlooking the small clinic.  Det. Fuentes goes to check it out, followed soon after by Det. Artega and Sgt. Chamaro.

 

Chamaro:  Maybe I can set up a booby trap for when the animal returns tonight.

GM:  When the animal gets a whiff of the detective's Aqua Velva it probably won't return there.

Det. Fuentes:  Please.  It's Old Spice, just like my father wore.

 

(more to follow)

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Continuing "A Village Corrupted"

 

The group has figured out that some cultists must have summoned the demon hound to kill the villager, but why?  When they figure out that another demon hound has been keeping watch on the clinic, and also find out that the dead man had reported seeing a demon hound near the clinic, some of them want to check the place out.  Pedro asks Doreen to make a donation to the clinic in exchange for him getting some supplies for his first aid kit.

 

GM:  As a Red Cross worker, you have a pretty good field kit already.

Pedro:  Shhhh!  No I don't!  I'll need to pick up a few things, preferably while Doreen keeps the volunteer nurse busy so I can look around.

 

Det. Fuentes doesn't trust Pedro and is following him around inside the clinic, pointedly flipping his handcuffs on his index finger.  Pedro fails all of his Concealment rolls.

 

Pedro:  It's the handcuff thing.  It's throwing off my concentration.

 

The group decides to stay the night in the village.  Sgt. Ishada, Det. Artega, and Sgt. Chamaro decide to "rough it" on the hill overlooking the clinic, while Lt. Truxillo, Doreen, and Pedro convince one of the local ranchers to let them stay in a bunkhouse on their property.  Leaving Det. Fuentes to stay in his car overnight, parked within sight of both the bunkhouse and the clinic.
 

Pedro:  (to Det. Fuentes)  You know, all alone like that, if this was a horror movie you'd be the one they go after first. 

 

But the detective isn't worried about getting attacked.  Probably because, unbeknownst to everybody else, he is in league with the cultists (using his position as a fed to sidetrack or bury investigations into cult-related crimes).  He also has use of an invisible spirit to do his bidding (TK, Flight, and deflect attacks ala Resistant Protection).  And he knows an item is hidden in the wall of the clinic -- a stolen Mexican Red Cross first aid kit used in the summoning ritual that created the Corrupted.  Thus, everybody's interest in the clinic, along with Pedro asking about Red Cross first aid kits, has Fuentes rather concerned.  He sneaks away to arrange for the cultists in town to summon another demon hound to attack the group watching the clinic, while the cultists themselves set fire to the bunkhouse.

 

Too bad Fuentes doesn't know about Pedro's precognitive dreams.

 

Pedro:  Doreen!  Lieutenant!  You must wake up!  I think we are in danger!

Lt. Truxillo:  What?  In danger?  How do you know that?

Pedro:  Um... I heard something... outside... (mumble mumble)

Doreen:  Did you have a vision of something happening?
Pedro:  You really suck at keeping a secret.  You know that, right?

 

Truxillo radios Sgt. Ishada to warn her they're about to be attacked, and she spots a demon hound sneaking up to the rear of their position.  Soon, the night's silence is broken by automatic gunfire and magical fire blasts as the battle is joined.  Or two battles, as one group fights a demon hound while the other group fights cultists.  The forces of good have taken down the demon hound and most of the cultists when Det. Fuentes notices something.

 

GM:  (taking player aside)  You see a second demon hound heading toward the clinic.

Det. Fuentes:  What?  Why?  That wasn't part of the plan!

GM:  It looks like  De la Cruz thought he'd be clever.  Probably summoned a second hound and sent it to get the hidden first aid kit before the good guys find it.

Fuentes:  #&**@&^!*&^@!!  Okay, if I see an opportunity, I'll use my TK to mess with the good guys' aim or whatever.

 

Sgt. Ishada had hidden some micro cameras and bugs in the clinic earlier, so she sees the demon hound crash through a side window and head for the supply closet, just as they KO the first demon hound. 

 

Chamaro:  Go to the clinic, I'll finish this one off.  (pulls out grenade and sticks it into the creature's mouth)

Ishada:  At least wait until I'm outside the blast radius!

 

Ishada, in her stealth suit, runs to the clinic and dives through another side window.

 

GM:  The creature turns to you and hisses.

Ishada:  How does it know I'm there?  I'm invisible!

GM:  Maybe the window shattering inward was its first clue.

 

Fuentes has climbed in the window broken by the demon hound and is looking through the doorway as Chamaro leans in the other window and takes  aim at the creature with his assault carbine.

 

GM:  (rolls dice)  As Sgt. Chamaro takes aim, he hears a "thunk" as his weapon magazine drops to the floor.  You still have a round in the chamber, but that's all you have right now:  one shot.

 

He takes the shot, and Ishara jumps on the creature's back to try a Choke Hold, while Det. Artega runs to the front door to kick it open.  However, (after the GM receives and quickly checks a text on his cell phone) Chamaro then notices something more worrisome:  the pin from one of his grenades, floating away from him.

 

Chamaro:  What the... (BOOM!)

 

Luckily, neither he nor Ishara take a lot of damage, though Fuentes gets hit with some shrapnel.  But then Artega charges in and has remarkable luck with his pistol, taking the second demon hound down. 

 

Ishada:  Be aware, there is someone around here using Mage Hand.  Possibly invisible.

Doreen:  (to Pedro) Can you scan for minds?

Pedro:  I can try.  (He uses his Mind Scan)
GM:  You only find the villagers, none nearby, plus the KO'd cultists and of course all of you.  Of course, that only detects human minds...

 

The good guys collect the hidden first aid kit (covered with magical sygils painted in blood) and call in backup to cart off the cultists to the nearest jail cells. They also search the vicinity, including using Doreen's Detect Magic spell, all without success.  Unfortunately, before they can question the cultists the next morning, the three men are found dead in their cells.

 

GM:  It looks like cyanide.

Fuentes:  Heh.  Serves 'em right. 

Truxillo:  I searched them!  Even their mouths!  I wouldn't miss a poison pill in a tooth!

GM:  I know  In fact, you're certain they didn't have anything on them when they were locked up, and checking them now, you don't see a fake tooth or anything.   An autopsy later reveals the remains of a capsule in each cultist's stomach. 

Truxillo:  So someone must have slipped them poison capsules when they were in the cells.  Crap.

 

I don't think the other players ever did figure out Fuentes' duplicitous nature.  Should be interesting when the superheroes arrive...

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The two D&D campaigns, where "Monster of the Week" rapidly becomes "Marathon Monster Conga-line of Suck". Lamech and his buddies get ambushed by undead.

Lamech: Argh! We've been grabbed by the Ghoulies!

Kavorog has a problem - the Sword of Vengeance won't let him use any other weapons.

Kerak: Can you load the sword into your bow and use that?

Andy the Halfling actually manages to scare all but one of the undead off with his God-bothering, and we track them back to the ruined hut they're laired up in.

Lamech: Rightio then - once I'm in web wange... Wab wange. Reb renge. WEB RANGE.
GM: The gnome has a case of the Cumberbatches.

Webbing the entire hut and lobbing in Molotov cocktails proves quite effective. The two dragonborn doing electric loogies on each other and the ghouls between them is effective, but rude.

Kerak: I'm sick of being electrocuted by my own teammates - that's why I'm sitting this one out.

One ghoul manages to dodge or shrug off EVERYTHING we throw at it.

Lamech: This. Is. The SUPERGHOUL.

The ghast that's leading them has bigger problems - it's still trapped in the burning hut. And Thorn just Turned it, forcing to retreat *deeper* into the inferno.

And then the Wyvern in the area swoops in to attack while we're distracted. And gets stopped in its tracks with Elethandiel's Thunderwave to the face. And slapped with another Web spell. Which overlaps the ghast in the burning hut. So the whole thing goes up in a glorious pyre.

Lamech: *cackling with gleeful pyromania*

Kavorog: Change of plan!
Lamech: Pile on and hope we get lucky?
Kavorog: Yup.

Unfortunately Kav's cursed sword insists he wails on his idiot cousin who hit him with the area effect Thunderwave. Despite the large Wyvern trying to bite off his head. The burning ghast lashes out at the nearest target - which is the wyvern.

GM: I think wyverns are immune to poison... Wait! They're not! They can sting themselves to death in mating rituals! This is hilarious!.... Only got 60ft dark vision too, so they're pretty crappy night predators too.

Andy the Halfling tries to shoot the raging Kavorog, so we won't kill the other dragonborn. He produces an illusory duplicate of himself, so there's a 50% chance he won't then be killed by the aforementioned raging dragonborn.

GM: He's young, and therefore stupid and immortal.

Andy gets his hands on, and runs off with, Kav's cursed sword. Kavorog pursues the two identical images.

Kerak: That Halfling has balls of steel.

Lamech: So despite two of our party members tied up trying to stop a third from killing a fourth, we've still managed kill the Wyvern? Well done us.

It then manages to envenomate Kavorog when he tries to cut off the sting to sell later.

GM: So it still managed to hurt you after it was dead. Well done you.

Aarakocra: Are you guys alright?
Lamech: I think so. Bit dizzy. Aren't my lungs supposed to be on the inside?
Aarakocra: Generally, yes.

Aarakocra: What's up with that sword?
Kerak: You want it?

We're now close enough to Tribor to start passing mile pegs. And warning signs. The woods around here are sacred. Let's hope Lamech's divine injunction against starting forest fires actually works, despite his rampant pyromania. And the three enormous creatures pursuing a small humanoid are probably fire-resistant, anyway. Kavorog is reluctant to drop his prize and investigate.

GM: So you seriously believe an entire tribe of gnomes might appear and steal your Wyvern?
Kavorog: Yes.

GM: When you get closer you see they're pursuing a young elven child, and that they're ogres who apparently had a very bad night.
Lamech: Oh great - zombie ogres.

At least they're just as vulnerable to piling on and magical machine-gunning as ordinary zombies.

We find the frightened, eldritch child with violet eyes, but she doesn't speak any of the usual languages we know.

Kavorog: I only speak four words of elven, and they're not words that would calm a frightened child.

She DOES know draconic. The girl wants to go home. And her home is the FeyWild.

Lamech: Well, if you come with us to the city I'm sure we can find somebody to get you home.
Kavorog: That's what I just said!
Lamech: Yes, I know, but I'm not as threatening as you. I'm shorter than her for one thing.




Ewen's player: Just remember - gingers are cunning, and have access to hair dye.

On last session's battle versus a dungeon-full of demons.

Ewen: That was tough - more than one of us went down.
Salazar: Phrasing!
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz went down first.
Heather: *cringe* Let us please abandon this line of thought.

Describing a fighter from another game

Heather's Player: His primary diet is your tears.

GM: There's a pile of shiny stuff.
Dirty Franz: Ooooooooh. (Not that it will stay shiny long, in my possession)
Salazar: You could tarnish GOLD.
Heather: I want to dive into it and swim, but I remember what happened to my Uncle Scrooge.

GM: You nearly got killed, you deserve a draw from the Deck of Many Things.
Salazar: No we don't!!!!
Heather: 'You nearly got killed - care to tweak the Reaper's nose again?'

Heather: Time for us to use our various skills - like Accountancy! Ewen, get on that.

On IDing magical items in 5th Ed.

Ewen: 'We couldn't be bothered putting in rules for it, so sit on a box with it for half an hour'

Even if you're not a wizard.

Heather: 'Hey, Gurnt, hold this magic sword for a bit'. 'It's a +3'. 'How do you know?'. 'It talked to me.'

Ewen: So basically, to ID a magic item you have to sleep with it.
Heather: 'I really love this sword'. Anyway, GM, what IS the sword?
GM: You really love this sword.
Heather: Oh f**k.
GM: You never want to use another weapon.
Heather: Bugger.
Salazar: Remember, not all cursed items are bad.
Heather: Is it a claymore?
GM: It can be.
Heather: It better be - I've got standards.

Heather: I know you're f**ked up, but sometimes I like my boys that way.
Sword: Actually I'm a girl.
Heather: Not tonight you're not.

GM: Dirty Franz - You tried putting on the dirty boots.
Salazar: No he didn't - we stopped him. For one thing it would have meant he took off his old ones, in our presence.

Dirty Franz OoC: Well if somebody else really wants the boots, give me your old ones. Unless you want me to keep walking around with ten cashews sticking out in front of me.

Dirty Franz instead gets an Ever-Smoking Bottle - this will fit well with his strategic use of magic.

Dirty Franz OoC: Do we split up the cash now?
Salazar: Nah - wait until we get back to town. Some of us might die before then.... Did I say that aloud?

Ewen's Player : *trying to read the Player's Handbook, and the abysmal index* For F**K'S SAKE you useless numpties!

GM: 1750 gold pieces worth in coins, gems, and miscellaneous art objects.
Heather: What? That's f**king nothing!
Ewen: 1750 GP EACH.
Heather: This is my happy face!
Salazar: With this much money I can afford to spend an entire month in Lady Sally's.
Ewen: I thought you were going to say 'In Lady Sally'.
Salazar: That costs extra.

GM: We do I always rub my hands together when I GM?
Dirty Franz's player: 'Excelllllllllant.....'
Heather's player: And you're washing your hands of whatever happens to us next.

The ruined hamlet we get to later that day has a helpfully multilingual warning sign about plant monsters and zombies.

Ewen: Franz, you have a fire attack, right?
Dirty Franz: *holds up box of matches and looks hopeful*
Ewen: Alrighty then.

Ewen: Boss, you can detect undead, right?
Heather: Ah.....
Jurgen: I can detect cheese.
Heather: I can turn Fae, but not detect them. How the fuck does that work?
Jurgen: It's easy to turn fae - your ears get spiky.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz is glad to didn't say turning fae is easy, and make some homophobic joke.
Jurgen: I detect Limburger. Oh wait, it's Franz.

The first cottage full of plant monsters is very shortly on fire, thanks to Franz.

Heather: Setting things on fire seems to be a winning strategy.
Ewen: How about we go get the necklace, and set fire to everything on the way out?
Heather OoC: Oh god, we've reverted to playing Call of Cthulhu.

A gaunt and ragged man is running at us yelling incoherently.

Heather: Zombie!
Ewen: You can detect undead, boss.
Heather: I know, I just like making unwarranted accusations. Hey, Franz, one of your relatives is here!
Druid: What are you DOING?? Are you INSANE??? You've set the entire town on fire!
Jurgen: It's not a town, it's ruins that need clearing. And only some of the buildings are on fire. So far.
Heather: Ewen, hold me - Jurgen didn't decapitate someone. We may never see the like again.
Jurgen: You might not see it this time if he keeps up like this.
Druid: Didn't you see the sign?
Heather: Yes, we saw it and elected to ignore it.
Ewen: Or interpreted as 'town full of things to murder'
Druid: Fine, don't say I never tried to warn you.
GM: There's an ear splitting roar from the ruined stone tower.
Jurgen: If it's a dragon, you COULD have opened with that.
Venomfang: WHO DARES TRESPASS ON THE LAIR OF VENOMFANG!
Heather: F**k You!
Ewen: Traditional challenge of Clan McKnight.

Unlike our encounter in the other campaign, where we convinced the young helpfully colour-coded antagonist that we were cultists there to worship him, this team goes for the throat. Straightforward, at least.

Heather: Running out into the open seems stupid, so that's what I'll do.

Heather is promptly nearly killed by Venomfang's poisonous breath.

Ewen: Jesus - they aren't screwing around with dragon attacks in this edition.
Dirty Franz OoC: What's First Aid for smoke inhalation?
Jurgen OoC: Get them to clear air, rest with no exertion, and oxygen if you can get it.
Dirty Heather OoC: *to Heather* Well, you're f**ked.

Franz's Hideous Laughter spell bounces.

Ewen: It was too busy laughing maniacally already.

Salazar launches himself from concealment.

Salazar: THESE balls I'm going to keep!
Jurgen: Dragons have internal genitalia.
Ewen: I don't think that helps the dragon, in this case.
GM: The dragon loses control of its flight -
Dirty Franz: I'm not surprised.
GM: - and crashes, with you underneath.
Salazar: THIS is why you wear spiked armour!

Salazar goes down, despite the dragon's reluctance to bite savagely at its own groin. Heather's Bless spell does help.

Heather: Bless - Turning Mistakes Into Miracles.
Salazar: This Party - Correcting Nature's Mistakes

Heather mauls the dragon with a Thunderous Smite.

Dirty Franz: .... Which will attract all the zombies.
Salazar: As if they weren't coming already.

Salazar: I WANT YOUR NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Venomfang: Wait! Wait! I Yield!
Salazar: NUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSS!!!!!!!
Ewen: That might have worked with the paladin.
Heather: Not with a McKnight, no.

Venomfang goes down.

Heather: Do we get extra XP for continually punching above our weight class?
Salazar: The general philosophy is 'Survival is reward enough'

Of course, we got phenomenally lucky with our attacks. The dragon rightly regarded us as little threat.

Heather: Since I came south I've killed a gang of murderers, a bunch of goblins and bugbears, followed up by fiends, and followed up by a young dragon. I can't help but think I'm getting a little off track for finding the man of my dreams. Still - Ewen! High Five!
Salazar: You should have let it kidnap you.
Heather: F**K!!!!!! I can patch it back together, right? Princesses get kidnapped all the time... You know what would cheer me up? Taking all his stuff.

Salazar: I know a brothel back home that would pay top dollar for that penis.

Ewen: If we hadn't killed it I would have either had a new mount, or a new wall mount.
GM: And being a Green dragon, it would agreed. And bided its time.
Ewen: Bad luck for it - it only gets more powerful with age. I only have to murder stuff.

Most of the players vote to switch from the often annoying D&D 5th Ed. to Pathfinder.

Heather: And the next session opens with me telling everybody what I just did (as if the 5th Ed. game was all biographical retelling). '.... And then I healed him!' 'You're not a paladin' 'Who f**king said?'

GM: Apparently killing Venomfang rewrote the laws of reality.
Salazar: I suddenly feel smarter. Still an arsehole, though.

Heather: I was prettier in the stories.

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One exchange from my last Earthdawn session stuck in my memory.

 

Windling Shaman is laying on the head of the Human Cavalryman's horse, looking up at the clouds.

 

WS: ...and that one looks like a birdie, and that one looks like a troll, and that one looks like a bunny rabbit...

HC: *Looking up* Which one looks like a bunny rabbit?

WS: *Turns and give the Human a "are-you-stupid" look* ...the bunny rabbit shaped one.

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Quotes (Part 1) from my Champions campaign, Stronghold Corrupted adventure:

 

The news for the week had an article about members of Just Cause going to Stronghold to observe and assist in the exorcism of Necroma, one of the Corrupted supervillain group.  (This was originally a group of a dozen missionaries in Nicaragua who had been kidnapped by cultists who then summoned evil spirits to possess the missionaries' bodies.  The heroes know this.)  I didn't actually run the exorcism before giving them the news sheets.

 

Malarky:  Did I miss something?

GM:  No, I'm going to start with the exorcism itself.

Malarky:  Well, at least we know up front that it worked.

 

Discussing travel plans:

 

GM:  (to Pops)  So, you're going to teleport everyone to Stronghold?

Malarky:  Even Maker?
Pops:  That's right.  She keeps messing with the teleport.

Maker:  What?  No, I'm not!  That was some villain doing it.

Pops:  No, I can tell it's coming from you.  You'll have to take a bus to New Mexico.

Malarky:  Yeah, you've got Teleport Herpes.

 

Since they have a few days beforehand, Pops and Maker decide to first try tracking down what is causing Maker to misdirect Pops' long distance teleport.  Maker builds a device to scan for energy effects that occur during teleportation, and they test it out.

 

GM:  How far are you teleporting?

Pops:  Just a few kilometers.

GM:  Okay.  (has Maker roll 3d6)  Pops, you end up where you targeted.  Maker, you have to kick on her flight so you don't fall into the Charles River.

 

Another test.

 

GM:  Again, Pops ends up where he targeted.  Maker finds herself inside a self-storage unit in Cambridge.

Shadowboxer:  The important question is, did you pay your monthly rental fee?
Maker:  It's not my storage unit!

Pops:  I think next time I'll try teleporting across the country, see which state she ends up in.

 

The particular energy signatures pinned down, Maker learns that not only is she kicking out this energy -- so is her costume, gadgets, even her entire lab.

 

Maker:  Is there anything I can do to get rid of this energy?

GM:  You can build something to remove the taint, as it were.  It'll take about five minutes to scrub you and your costume clean.  However, you notice that a little while after doing so, you begin accumulating that energy again, slow but sure.

Pops:  All I know is, when I leave her lab, I'm taking a long, hot shower.

 

After a few days fruitless searching (and some really bad skill rolls), Maker finally determines that the broadcast energy from the bots she stole liberated from VIPER is causing the energy taint.

 

Malarky:  Looks like someone got pissed that you keep stealing their stuff.

Maker:  What?  I only have two!

GM:  More like five.

Maker:  No, I have one old flyer bot, and one new one.  Remember, the other new flyer bot got trashed by DEMON agents at the mall.

GM:  And the flyer bot you sent to the Cross-Rip dimension that never came back.

Shadowboxer:  Plus the Johnny Five [roller bot].

GM:  And however many lab bots you took from that raid on the VIPER lab.

Maker:  (sulks)

 

After shutting down the broadcast energy and complete scrubbing, they try another teleport test.

 

GM:  (to Maker)  Okay, make another 3d6 roll.

Maker:  You've got to be kidding me!
GM:  Yep.  Just messing with you.  The teleport works fine.

 

The heroes travel to Stronghold, and I hand them some printed info about the superprison as well as maps copied from the Stronghold sourcebook.

 

Nexus:  (sarcastic)  Yeah, nothing's going to go wrong here. 

GM:  What?  The article says everything went fine!  (pause)  Should I pull out the hexmap of the area where they're doing the exorcism?

Nexus:  Did you make one?
GM:  Maaaaaybe.  (grins)  So, the deputy warden says that they'll either need to shut off the power negation systems there or do this on the rooftop, since they're not sure if the power suppression would interfere with the exorcism.

Malarky:  Shut off power negation throughout the prison?!
GM:  No, just on Level 6 of Main Security.

Malarky:  Well, that's okay then.

 

Circe's player wasn't there yesterday, so there's some discussion on what the team mentalist will be doing.

 

GM:  Would Circe be using telepathy on Necroma during the exorcism?  Y'know, to make sure the spirit really does leave her?

Malarky:  (heavy sarcasm)  Yeah, be mentally linked to the possessed person when the evil spirit is forced out of that body, with nowhere to go.  Can't see how that could go bad.

Shadowboxer:  That's the price you pay for not coming to the game.

 

Despite that, we decide she will only establish telepathy after the exorcism is done.  They're introduced to the priest, Father Joseph Bainbridge, who will perform the exorcism.

 

Maker:  Wait, Bainbridge?  Don't we know him?
GM:  If so, it's a complete coincidence, because when I typed my notes for the game earlier today I just opened this random name generator booklet you gave me and (closes eyes, opens booklet to a random page, jabs finger at the page, and opens eyes)  ...Joseph... (closes eyes again, jabs finger elsewhere on another page) ... Bainbridge!

 

Malarky watches the exorcism (ceremony?  ritual?  not sure what term to use) from the POV of the student of magic he is.

 

GM:  The exorcism itself takes about 20-30 minutes, lots of prayers and statements in Latin, use of holy water and blessed incense, what have you.    Malarky notes the various places throughout where he recognizes actual magical elements, with a fair amount of strictly religious elements that he's not sure are absolutely necessary.

Malarky:  Could I trim it down if necessary?

GM:  You could maybe do a short version in 3-4 minutes. 

Honey Badger:  (quoting from Spaceballs)  Right!  The short, SHORT version!  Do you?  Yes!  Do you?  Yes!  Good, you're married!  Kiss her!

 

Contrary to the players' paranoid expectations, the exorcism goes off without a hitch and is successful.  Circe telepathically confirms that the former missionary (Lydia Chavez) is free from possession.  However, all is not sunshine and roses...

Circe:  (through Mind Link to teammates)  That girl is seriously messed up.  All the things she was forced to witness and remembers doing while she was possessed...  she's extremely depressed, borderline suicidal.

Lydia:  (to Circe) Please, is there anything you can do, take away those memories?  I'd rather not remember any of that, ever.

Circe:  I'm sorry, dear, that's not in my wheelhouse.  Yet.

Pops:  But she's working on it.

 

The heroes are discussing finding the other items to allow them to exorcise the rest of the Corrupted, and the staff psychologist at Stronghold has a suggestion.

 

Dr. Crawford:  (to Circe) Is it possible Lydia could provide you information, from her memories of the time she was possessed, to tell you where the items were hidden?  Or failing that, info that could help you locate the cultists, so they can tell you where to find the items?  Having her actively helping free her fellow missionaries might help her get past the things she did while possessed.  And you could telepathically help her come to grips with things along the way.  (OOC)  This is the GM's heavy-handed way of having Circe not be a direct part of this adventure, but still helping move the plot along.

Pops:  Circe, going down to Nicaragua by herself?

GM:  Well, the two UNTIL agents that brought the tainted first aid kit needed for Necroma's exorcism will agree to accompany her.

Malarky:  Two random UNTIL agents? 

GM:  No, Lt. Truxillo and Sgt. Ishada.  [note:  these were GM-supplied characters played by Shadowboxer's and Maker's players the week before].

Malarky:  Oh, that's okay then.  They're good.

GM:  Plus, she'll maintain the Mind Link with the other Just Cause members.  If she gets into trouble, you can always "Pops" down there and lend a hand.

Pops:  If I'm not too busy with that cellular regeneration project.

 

After arriving in Nicaragua, Circe reports on her progress.

 

Circe:  We've located where the initial possession ritual was done.  (pause)  The Nicaraguan federales have a refreshingly accepting view of using mental powers on suspected cultists.

 

(to be continued)

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Body Snachers/Swappers Adventure

GM (Hands Out Character Sheets to Players. Modified Versions of their Archnemesis's. Keeping only their Skills)

Players as a Groups: Noooooooooo!

GM (Evil Grin): You all awaken in a strange place, in your nemesis's body. Standing up you look down from a control room window where you see a death trap holding "You" and your teammates over a pool of lava.

Doing a double take you realize your surounded by the your teammates arch nemesis's.

Phase 12

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Stronghold Corrupted, part 2:

 

About 5 days after Necroma's exorcism, the hero team gets a call from the Stronghold warden's secretary (Deborah Torres), informing them that UNTIL agents in Nicaragua have located an item they believe had belonged to Tomas Guevara, the missionary possessed to become Inquisition.  The item is due to arrive at Stronghold that night, and they'd like to perform the exorcism the next day at 2 pm.  Since Circe doesn't know about such an item being found, they get paranoid and call Warden Wildman directly for confirmation.

 

Their paranoia assuaged, they agree to travel to Stronghold the next day at 2 pm for Inquisition's exorcism.  The next morning at 10:30 am, they get another call from Torres verifying they will be coming for the exorcism, and also letting them know that a prisoner transfer is en route to the Boston PRIMUS base with four of their past foes -- Abyss and Augur from A-Team, Stinger from Deathstroke, and Fat Cat from the Corporate Raiders.  All are scheduled for trial within the next few days.

 

Unfortunately, the heroes were never informed of any such trials.  Cue more paranoia.  They call the warden, who confirms what Torres said and lets them know who contacted Stronghold in the first place (Charles Bowen, a court clerk in Boston).  The heroes then contact the Boston PRIMUS base for confirmation, reaching Lt. Det. Daniel Williams (not exactly the heroes' greatest friend). 

 

GM:  Who's talking to Det. Williams?  (the players all shake their heads and point at each other) 

Det. Williams:  Hello?  Who is this?

Shadowboxer:  All Williams hears is a bunch of whispered 'You talk to him,' 'Not me,' 'I talked to him last time, it's your turn!'

 

Williams confirms the prisoner transfer and gives them Bowen's name as well, along with the case numbers for the trials.

 

Shadowboxer:  I call the court to confirm the case numbers.

GM:  You ask for Bowen?

Shadowboxer:  No, I want to talk to anybody but Bowen.

GM:  That's okay.  He's not in today.  But the clerk you talk to confirms the cases.  'Yep, case 9024836-B, Phillips, public indecency.  Case 9033428-A, the Powells, disturbing the peace..."

 

The heroes also learn that Bowen's body was found yesterday evening in his garage.  Preliminary coroner findings are a heart attack five days ago.  However, Bowen's coworkers confirm that he was in to work, hale and hearty, three days ago. They call the warden back to let him know the prisoner transfer was bogus.

 

Malarky:  Unless Fat Cat exposed himself during the battle at the mall and I just blocked it out, the case numbers don't match to those supervillains.

 

The prisoner transport is already en route, so the warden puts them in touch with the pilot, who confirms all is peachy.  Nonetheless, the heroes convince the warden to divert the transport vehicle to Fort Riley and arrange for PRIMUS agents to meet them there.  The heroes teleport there and, once the transport lands, Honey Badger steps inside.

 

Pilot:  (opens cockpit door and looks out at Honey Badger)  What's the deal?  The prisoners are all behaving themselves.  I even had Stephanie check on them just before we landed.  (looks over at the cockpit seat)  Tell him what you saw when you checked on 'em.  (long silence, then pilot looks at Honey Badger)  Okay?

Honey Badger:  Who are you talking to?

Pilot:  My copilot.  (gestures at the empty copilot seat, sighs heavily)  C'mon.  (opens door to prisoner section, which is completely devoid of people)  See?  All okay.  (walks back and checks on the restraints on an empty chair)  Power suppression all in order.  (looks at empty seat)  Yeah, whatever, Stinger.  You're not going anywhere but to trial, and then back to your cell in Stronghold.

 

The heroes review video from the cameras in the transport vehicle.  They see four prisoners and seven guards board the vehicle. 

 

Malarky:  I'll bet those weren't guards with them.  They were other prisoners.

 

After taking off and reaching cruising speed/altitude, the guards remove their helmets and relax.

 

GM:  (pulls out map of transport vehicle and points to various seats, starting with the copilot and working back)  Scatterbrain.  Union.  Agrippa.  Requiem.  Chiller.  Shockwave.  Daytrader. 

 

Over Amarillo, the transport slowed and dropped in altitude (supposedly due to turbulence), where Agrippa teleports away with the other villains. The heroes are convinced the Corrupted are involved in some way, since this is happening the same day as Inquisition's upcoming exorcism.

 

Malarky:  Have any of them worked with the Corrupted before?
GM:  Not that you know of.  The only mystical one is Agrippa, and you know that he's Hunted by DEMON.  Since the Corrupted have worked with DEMON, it's not likely they'd be chums.

Honey Badger:  (considering the villains who escaped)  Are we the only heroes putting anyone into Stronghold?

GM:  No.  In fact, during your tour of Stronghold after Necroma's exorcism, you saw a decent number of villains you've never met before.  (pause)  Odd, isn't it, how the the only villains to escape are ones that Just Cause captured?  It's almost like someone arranged it just to piss you off.

 

As the heroes prepare to teleport to Stronghold, Circe contacts them via the Mind Link.

 

Circe:  I just got the weirdest phone call from Rad [formerly A-Bomb of the A-Team but convinced by Circe to become a hero instead].  He's all geeked because he and Major Justice are accompanying Ripper to Stronghold.  They stopped him from trashing a cathedral in Los Angeles last week.  Anyway, Rad says that the church sent a couple of nuns to bless the transport, and they're on the flight too.

Honey Badger:  Crap.  That'd be War Nun and... who's the one we haven't met yet?

GM:  Mother Supreme.

Honey Badger:  The gang's all here.

 

Just Cause opts to head to Stronghold before the transport can arrive.

 

Honey Badger:  Do we really want to be fighting all of the Corrupted, plus Ripper?  I don't think so.

GM:  The only Corrupted member they're bringing up for the exorcism is Inquisition.

Honey Badger:  Riiiight.  All of them will be there.

 

One problem:  Stronghold has power negation systems.  When the heroes toured the prison, they were given special magnetic field generators to wear that allowed them to retain their powers.

 

Maker:  Can I build one with my gadget pool?

GM:  Oddly enough, my notes do include a writeup for a "Maker Magnetic Field Generator".  Change Environment, Personal Surface, Usable Simultaneously by up to 8 people...

 

The heroes arrive on the rooftop of Main Security.  The iris valve hatch opens and the lift raises with Warden Wildman.  As they fill him in on the escaped prisoners, Nexus notices that he's not alone.

 

GM:  (to Nexus)  You can see that the Warden currently has a spirit riding along with him.  (Nexus makes a roll to recognize the spirit possessing him)  It's.. that b**ch!

Nexus:  What b**ch?

GM:  The spirit who led you into that apartment to Charles Aching.  The one who possessed the DA's wife to force him to throw the trail for Wight.  Lamia.

Nexus:  Oh, that b**ch!

 

Maker quickly builds a gadget to contain her, but due to the limits of her gadget pool and the fact that it has to affect Desolid, it's only a 3d6 Entangle.

 

Pops:  You know she's going to escape while we're inside dealing with the Corrupted.

GM:  Not necessarily.  Lamia only has a 10 STR.

Pops:  So she pushes her strength.

GM:  Only if she makes her EGO roll.  (rolls 3d6)  Okay, she made it, but only just, so she can only push it 5 points, giving her 3d6 versus the Entangles 3 PD.

Pops:  She could still whittle it down.

GM:  (rolls 3d6, getting two 6's and a 4, doing 2 BODY to the 3 BODY Entangle)

Maker:  (to Pops)  Shut up!  You're NOT HELPING!

 

(to be concluded)

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Stronghold Corrupted, Part 3:
 

The lift lowers, but Honey Badger snatches the now-freed warden away so it goes down empty.  After a few moments, they hear:

Anti-Pope:  Does Just Cause want to come down and plaaaaay?

Honey Badger:  I should totally put on the hat I took from him last time before jumping down.

GM:  Did you bring it with you?

Honey Badger:  (pout)  Probably not.

GM:  Tell you what, I'll give you an INT roll to think about bringing it beforehand.  (HB succeeds in roll)  Okay, now you should realize that you took that hat before PRIMUS arrived, so they never got a chance to check it out.  So they thought the Anti-Pope's powers were intrinsic.  As you put his hat on your head, you realize that you're hearing the thoughts of all of the Corrupted members down below.

Honey Badger:  Does that mean I can teleport, too?
GM:  Maybe.  You've never tried it before, but sure, go ahead.  What's the worst that could happen?  (evil grin; pause)  Oh, and it might occur to you that if you're Mind Linked to them, they're all Mind Linked to you.  And through Circe's Mind Link to the rest of your team.

Honey Badger:  (quickly takes off hat)

 

Still, the brief connection allowed Honey Badger to know where the various Corrupted members are positioned.  Their front-line fighters (Triptych, Father Hook, Shadow Paladin, and Unholy Warrior) are positioned around the lift itself, with Inquisition, Archbishop Licheus, and the Anti-Pope farther away.  The heroes drop down the hole (except for Pops, who stays on the rooftop as his AP Teleport will allow him to get inside if they close the hatch) and engage the Corrupted. 

 

Father Hook takes on Honey Badger.

 

Father Hook:  Thou shouldst prepare to die, mortal.

Honey Badger:  (defiantly) Who are you calling mortal?

 

Unholy Warrior is ripping into several heroes at a time with his enchanted weighted blades on chains (2m Reach, with 1d6 RKA Damage Shield, 2x Penetrating), causing BODY damage to several heroes, so Pops decides to take care of him.

 

Pops:  I look inside, and teleport him outside and off the rooftop as far as I can.  I'm hoping the guards in the Zap Towers are paying attention and want to do a little skeet shooting.

 

On the guards' next Phase, two of them take shots at Unholy Warrior as he's falling.  One hits.

Honey Badger:  What are they shooting?  Other than Unholy Warrior, I mean.

GM:  They're pulson cannons.  Remotely operated, so there aren't actually any guards in the towers.

HB:  Pulsons?

GM:  In game terms, a 24d6 energy blast.  Pops, would you like to roll 24 dice for me?

Pops:  92 STUN.

GM:  Ouch.  Please count BODY too, since he only has 20 total PD.  (realized I forgot to roll Unholy Warrior's armor activation -- and get an 18)  Um, never mind.  It doesn't look like he's going to need an exorcism after all.

 

One problem with Father Hook -- he gets a STR boost from a potion, which also makes his possibly go berserk in combat.  Unfortunately for the Corrupted, he does go berserk, and the closest target is Shadow Paladin.

 

Honey Badger:  I was going to attack Hook, but I think I'll just let him have some fun for now.

 

After taking a good poke from Hook, Shadow Paladin runs to the other side of Nexus.

Shadowboxer:  He doesn't have to turn fast, he just has to run faster than you.

 

The Archbishop hits Honey Badger with a Ray of Enfeeblement (9d6 STR Drain), taking him down 22 STR (after Power Defense).  After letting him suffer for a Phase or two, the GM has a moment of weakness himself.

 

Honey Badger:  That's it.  I'm useless.

GM:  (to Honey Badger) It's too bad your team doesn't have anybody who can make something on the fly to restore your strength.

Honey Badger:  You mean, like, a Gadget Pool?  (looks at Maker pointedly)

Maker:  Wait... I can do that?

GM:  (shrug)  With a half Phase and a Gadgeteering roll, anything's possible.  You'll have to drop your radar to make an Enervation Ray without losing your magnetic field generators, but it's do-able.

 

Meanwhile, Shadowboxer notices that Anti-Pope's defensive teleport (additional DCV) is off, so he grabs the leader of the Corrupted.  The Anti-Pope responds by not only teleporting himself away, but also uses Aportation to teleport Father Hook right in front of Shadowboxer.

Shadowboxer:  Ooo.  Didn't see that coming.

Pops:  Yeah, us teleporters can be a pain, can't we?

 

Inquisition is giving the heroes headaches (literally), so Pops opens a teleport gate next to Honey Badger, with the other end directly behind Inquisition.

 

Honey Badger:  (to Archbishop, who he's been fighting)  Wait here, I'll be right back.

 

It was a long fight, but eventually the heroes took down all of the Corrupted that were there.  Leaving the incoming prisoner transport with War Nun and Mother Supreme, plus Ripper, Rad, and Major Justice.

 

Maker:  It's almost 11:00.  Are we going to run that tonight, or next week?

GM:  Tell you what.  Circe hasn't been doing anything this whole fight.  No reason she can't have been Mind Scaning to lock onto Ripper, and then start piling on the cumulative Mind Control.  As soon as Mother Supreme releases Ripper's restraints, he punches her in the face.  Repeat until unconscious.  Meanwhile, Rad and Major Justice can make short work of War Nun, then put Ripper back nighty-night. 

Malarky:  Stronghold's going to need a new prisoner transport when they're done...

 

I was a little sad that the heroes never got to face Mother Supreme, though.

GM:  I had a lot of fun naming her powers.  Her defenses were A Hard Habit to Break.  Her movement was Flying NunNothing Gets Past Mother:  +2 with all PER.  Enhanced senses for Mother Sees All.  Then there's her Multipower:  Mother's Encouragement for an Aid, Mother's Loving Touch for Healing, Mother's Curse for an AP Mental Blast, Mother Says STOP for her Mental Entangle, and of course her Mind Control was Do As Mother Says.

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Started a new Roleplaying group, hoping for some quoteworthy comments to come out of it in the long run. I also hope most of the jokes can be carried over the translation barrier (german to english).

 

Note regarding Initiative in SR5E: You have a fixed number based on stats plus 1-5D6. For every 10 you get, you get an extra action that turn.

 

Setting: Shadowrun 5th Edition, Seatle 2050. The players are part of the GoGang "405 Hellhounds" in Seatles Redmond Barrens (the worst, most deprecated slum district of Seatle in 2050). For most of them it is the first contact with Shadowrun setting and Rulesystem. I at least got some 4E/2070 and computergame experience beforehand.

 

Character call:

The Medicine Man(Me; TMM): Human amerindian doctor from with incredible luck and stats, who just wanted to get away from his father. Noticeably displeased with the state of cleanlyness in the barrens/the Hellhound clubhous, firearms and pointless violence.

 

Dr. Feelgood (DrF): A dwarven mage and drug dealer, who has morals regarding selling to children or hurting women.

 

Eddy Zero(E0): A human adept focussed on range combat, prefering Rifles. Also writes japanese Haiku as a hobby.

 

GM: So we got a drugdealing mage that won't sell to children, a studied doctor from the middle class and a guy writing Haiku. You guys sure you are properly placed in a GoGang?

 

 

The Medicineman is fresh in the gang, does not fit in and thus is only a probatory member

E0: Somehow I picture his bike having a drawing of snoopy on it...

TMM: ???

DrF: Or maybe a cute little puppy...

GM: Okay now I am confused too

TMM/E0: Because he is a probatory member of the Hellhounds

 

The player are on the way to a stripclub (Danny's Inferno), when the first combat strikes:

A car stops 20 meter in front of them, 4 people come out and randomly open fire onto anyone nearby.

 

The first phase of the combat is every player seeking cover. The first attacks don't exactly go smooth either:

E0 (OOC): I got 6 sucesses on my 14 the hit roll.

GM (OOC): I don't believe it myself, but the ganger just rolled rolled 6 sucesses with his 8 dodge dice...

 

E0 player rolls 'low' on a Initiative test:

E0 (OOC): *looking displeased at his 21 Initiative result*This time I did not roll so high.

GM (OOC): It is still pretty high

TMM (OOC): *looks at E0's 14+4D6 score* *looks at his own 9+1d6 score* Your minimum is still 3 points higher then my maximum.

 

At the end of the second turn however, 3 arrows, 5 Rilfe bullets, 1 lightningbolt and a pistol round have utterly annihilated the 4 man gang. So utterly only one even had time to bleed to death (we kinda forgot to stabilize him). Time to loot and look for the wounded civilians.

 

TMM: I try First Aid on anyone bystander that was not killed.

GM: So the scary amerindian ganger with a bow over the shoulder that just killed a bunch of armed men using said bow tries to help the wounded civilians? I am going to say they run from you. Those that don't propably need your help or no help at all.

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