Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

[Christopher]

18 hours ago, Drhoz said:

Playing Blackstone Fortress - one of the PCs is playing the Kroot Mercenary, and another the Navigator

 

Me: No wonder the Kroot is sticking close to the Navigator. The Kroot are directing their own evolution, by assimilating useful genetic traits from the species they eat. So if the Kroot eat enough Navigators, they'll acquire the Navigator gene and they'll be able to use Warp-travel properly. So if you happen to lose an arm while we're in the fortress, don't ask the Kroot what happened to it.

Kroot: Can't you spare a finger?

Navigator: I've got a finger for you right here.

 

Kroot take "you are what you eat" to a totally new level

[Lucius]

On ‎12‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 8:41 AM, Drhoz said:

Champions - Return to Edge City - King Arthur Is Public Domain
The Usual Gang of Idiots

Scooter ‘Hero Shrew’ Sorex - Superstrong but not completely stupid manimal
Gareth ‘Hardlight’ Lowell - Geek CEO with hardlight holograms
Allana ‘Superhero Name To Be Announced’ - Literal Batwoman
Chris 'Flux' Jones - Paranoid computer wizard
'Fireflash' Helstrom - And you thought YOUR teenage years were a problem

Black Paladin - Actual Arthurian villain
Talisman - Gritty 90's Reboot of Bewitched
Morningstar - Big Demonic A-hole With a Big Spiky Club
Shadow Dragon: Master of Black Chi







Allana: Is he trying to set up his own version of Arthur’s Court?
Hero Shrew: What’s the opposite of Round?
Fireflash: Square?
Hero Shrew: Donut? They all sit in the middle.
Allana: But the point of the Round Table was equality.
GM: Yeah, not really the Black Paladin’s thing.

 

 

Obviously, the Black Paladin would mock the Round Table with a LONG Table. Instead of a circular gathering of brotherhood and equality, there would be a strict hierarchy of rank, from the Black Paladin himself at the head of the table on down, with seating corresponding to one's place in the pecking order.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

And a paladindrome on a palindromedary

 

[Lord Liaden]

I created an anti-Round Table for my own games, made up of Champions villains with a fantasy-medieval-knight motif. They were led by Black Paladin, but gathered and financed by Brangomar, the Shadow Queen (Champions Villains Vol. 1). Other members were drawn from the CV trilogy, including Morningstar, Hell Rider, Shadowdragon (all from CV Vol. 3 -- I know Shadowdragon comes from a different tradition, but Brangomar would probably find that name appealing); Lightning Man (Champions Worldwide); and Matachin, one of the Sylvestris (briefly described in CV 2, but detailed and game-statted in the old Ultimate Super Mage for 4E Hero). I didn't include Talisman or any other females, due to Brangomar's insane jealousy of any good-looking woman. She might accept Harpy, though, on account of her half-avian form (also in CV3).

 

Because there were six of them, I had them seated at an hexagonal table, and referring to themselves collectively as "the Hexagony." (Word-play intentional.)

[Drhoz]

Champions - Return to Edge City : Heart of Darkness
In Old Monterey, tracking down the Black Paladin’s powered armour army, and shortly to suffer the most grievous blow the team has yet endured. Hero Shrew points excitedly at his zombie detector. Flux, pointing with less excitement at the actual zombies.

Hero Shrew: Flux. Flux. FLUX.
Flux: Yes, I know, OK?
Hardlight: There’s zombies?
Flux: Yes, they’re RIGHT THERE.
Hardlight: Oh. Shambly.
Flux: Well, let’s HOPE they’re the shambling type and not the ‘i’m in your face eating it now’ type.
GM: No, they’re not murder-wraiths.

Hero Shrew: Wait, I’m Hero Shrew, not Hero Zombie.
Flux: Give it a few minutes.

At least Hardlight has tweaked his hardlight field to turn himself invisible now - maybe he can sneak past the zombies to see whatever is in the abandoned bungalow they’re protecting.

GM: It’s been abandoned for years - it’s been vandalised, graffitied, etc.
Hero Shrew: Maybe that’s what they made the zombies from.
GM: Then their average IQ went up.

And, indeed the inside of the building has been excavated, and the Black Paladin and his entire crew, three magic circles, a bunch of other minions doing fine engraving work, and multiple copies of the suits are in there. Incredibly, they don’t notice Hardlight creeping around. Or as he tiptoes away again, tripping over a bucket.

Minion: The basic concept is sound my lord, but we overreached - we shouldn’t have gone for such a powerful animating force.
GM: I can’t believe how badly I rolled for their awareness checks.

It will take at least an hour for anybody that could survive a fight against the Black Paladin and the others to get here. We’re on our own.

Hero Shrew: Well, at this point I’d ask if we know anybody with an Orbital Laser Weapon, but…
Fireflash: There’s one person with that tech. And he doesn’t let anybody else have it.
Allana: And it’s kind of unpopular after what happened to Detroit.

There’s also the problem that anything heavy enough that we can drop on Black Paladin is going to be unhealthy for his human thralls. We instead plan to glide down onto the roof - right up until Scooter spots all the crows on the roof.

Hero Shrew: Doesn’t the Black Paladin call himself the Knight of Crows or something?
Fireflash: Can any of you dig a tunnel?
Hero Shrew: I can.
All: …
Hero Shrew: What? You’ve never asked me to before.

Of course, Allana won’t fit through Scooter’s tunnel - so she’ll have to infiltrate through the roof anyway. Flux can teleport in along the old cable tv lines.

Hardlight: How can I move silently? Oh wait, I can fly.

Flux: Scooter just need to pop through the floor like a horrible fluffy flower.

Unfortunately, the roof of the building can’t even support the weight of Allana anymore, because all the internal walls of the building have been knocked out. Allana and Fireflash drop in, just as Scooter bursts out of the ground. And then the invisible figure on the roof jumps down the hole after Allana and Fireflash, talons out. Just as well Fireflash put her forcefield up. Even better, Allana has four arms, so she can hold onto Fireflash as Fireflash blasts people, and still grab Lady Crow by the ankles and throw her at Talisman. Morningstar tries to play Whackamole with Scooter.

Morningstar: Round Two, fuzzball!

Black Paladin: Really, Miss Helstrom?
Fireflash: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Hardlight resists the impulse to telegraph his attack, and stays invisible and silent long enough to blast Black Paladin in the back. All it does is make the Black Paladin laugh. The swarm of crows mobs Allana and Fireflash, which doesn’t do her echolocation any good. But with her wings, toughness, and Fireflash’s forcefield, they’re as safe as if they were sitting in an Abrams tank. In fact, safer.

Black Paladin: I’m disappointed Miss Helstrom - you KNOW my plan, and you STILL brought him?

He teleports over to Flux and attempts to knock him out with his mace, the Crusher of Hope, and Talisman attempts to teleport the stunned Flux and her team away. Allana snatches Flux into her embrace next to Fireflash - if she can keep moving, Talisman won’t be able to snatch him. Fireflash attempts to blind the badguys, and the flash illuminates one of the side rooms - Scooter sees immobile figures - a lot of immobile figures.

Hero Shrew: Hey, guys? I’ve found the exo-suits.
Fireflash: Then smash them!

Talisman might be intangible right now (since there’s a bunch of people in the room swinging highly energetic objects like fists, maces, and high-energy particle blasts around) but that doesn’t stop Hardlight blasting her out through the ceiling.

Hardlight: Team Rocket is blasting off again!

Morningstar, now blinded by the Black Paladin’s Fog Spell, is not having a good day, and seems incapable of hitting anything. Likewise, Shadow Dragon is being unpleasantly reminded how vulnerable he is to Fireflash’s blasts.

Fireflash: Fate has chosen him to be the buttmonkey.

Flux risks a blind teleport towards the exo-suits - and they’re bunched up nice and tight for his electrical attack. No point letting Black Paladin KEEP all the armour for his order of anti-paladins. Black Paladin is getting increasingly frustrated, since we’ve apparently learned how to tank - his hardest attack bounces harmlessly off Allana’s skull, and when she unfurls her wings Flux isn’t there.

Black Paladin: WHAT?!?

Unfortunately Talisman DID notice his teleport, and uses a mind control spell on our technomage. It’s pretty convincing, especially since he’ll get to tinker with things like the exo-suits.

Talisman: Why resist us? We offer you Knowledge. Power. Safety. Come with us. Come with us.
GM: And the rest of you have no idea what’s happening.
Flux OoC: *groan* the city is going to suffer.

Hardlight tries to clear the fog with a holographic giant industrial fan. Black Paladin draws his sword, the Eater of Shadows, and tries a shadow blast on Allana.

Allana: Good idea, target my even stronger defence. *stalks forward, cracking her knuckles*

Hardlight: Where the f*** are Flux and Hero Shrew?
Flux OOC: Well, Scooter is over here near me, but hasn’t seen anything yet, and Sonja is still tucked under bat boobs.

Hardlight’s submillimeter radar does see Flux and Talisman standing over in the other room.

Hardlight: F***!!!!!!!! Whathername! She’s over there! Trying to kidnap thingy!

Not very useful when we’re all blinded by fog and squawking crows. Allana grabs Black Paladin by the head and throws him through the wall in the direction of Talisman. Too late to stop Talisman, Morningstar, Shadow Dragon and Flux teleporting out. At least Black Paladin is still here, since he was moving at high speed at the time, through two walls.

Fireflash: Grab an arm each and make a wish.

Sadly, while the rest of us pile on the attacks, the bastard teleports himself away before we can twist his head off. We’ve got the exo-suits, but lost our friend.

[Drhoz]

GM: Why is that even still installed?
Me: So, ‘No’ then?
GM: Yes. I mean, yes to No.
Me: that’s not very helpful - I’ve already pressed No.
GM: I’m a computer engineer!
Onka’s player: Then Yes and No should be your bread and butter.

Patching up all the holes after our encounter with remarkably carnivorous grasshoppers, we proceed over the rooftops to the glassblower’s shop we were told about. One of the Elegiac Compasses is there, and apparently intact - with one important exception. The copper-wrapped quartz crystal that should be making up the core is missing. Happily, it was removed so recently that we can track the thief - apparently a young dragon.

Zenobia: *sigh* So it saw something shiny and nicked it.

Perhaps a blue dragon? The desert locale, and electrical properties of copper and quartz, would suggest it. But maybe not.

Nemat: A juvenile blue dragon would be larger.

The tracks lead to a large sinkhole behind the glassblowers, happily in a courtyard not crawling with zombies.

Zenobia: Do we need to send up a Dancing Lights signal?
Onka: What signal? ‘Here be Dragons’?

Nemat: I’ve got rope. My parents gave me it, along with the rest of my kit. ‘It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. And this. And this.’

Asrian carefully climbs down, and since her low-light vision is full colour, realises that the dragon isn’t a blue. It’s something much more unusual. It does explain why it wanted a 50-pound quartz crystal though.

Asrian: It’s a crystal dragon. And it’s asleep.

Nemat argues that diplomacy will be more successful than theft or killing her in her sleep.

Nemat: Ahem! Cough! AHEM!
Dragon: Five more minutes mummy…
Nemat: AHEM!
Dragon: WTF??? *jumps up and tries to look big* Who are you? Did Mum send you? How did you find me?
Nemat: We followed your tracks.
Dragon: … what tracks? *trying to look innocent*
Nemat: From the compass.
Dragon: Compass?
Nemat: The one you took the crystal from.
Dragon: What crystal?
Nemat: *sigh* that crystal right there.
Dragon: Oh, the shiny thing from the clock thing.
Nemat: We kind of need that back. Look, why not use the glassblower’s shop as your lair, there’s plenty of shiny stuff in there.
Dragon: Uh, zombies, duh?

Nemat negotiates a deal - we clear out the zombie infestation, and she can be the guardian of the compass, as well as having a nice location for future business.

Zenobia: Diplomancy wins again!
Nemat: And I didn’t even have to use my penis. Yet.
GM: You would have had a penalty at that - she’s not into males. Human males anyway. She looks at Zenobia with interest though.
Asrian: MINE.

Nemat’s player digs out his 140 year-old copy of ‘Enquire Within Upon Everything’

Zenobia’s player: Anything in there about clearing out zombie infestations?

We stick our heads down the chimney of the shop. From the smell, it actually seems like the glassblower’s kilns have been in use recently, which is odd. Even more so, the bricks are still warm. Asrian starts climbing down - and gets grabbed at by a long black hand. What ever owns the hand soon regrets it.

Zenobia: So, basically the same result as grabbing a cat by the belly?

There is a lot of swearing, in a variety of languages.

Asrian: That sounds like Zenobia, when I- nevermind.
The Owner of the Hand: Palm! Oshwyt! Worm! We have intruders!

Apparently somebody is using the glassblower’s workshop as an alchemy lab. Nemat soon deduces that the whole rumour about mumia use is true, at least if you’re careful with your abuse of the drug. Although it doesn’t do your bodily hygiene any favours.

Nemat: But they don’t smell so bad when they’re dead.
Zenobia: IgiveyouhalfasecondtosurrenderCHOP

Nemat Petrifies one of the minions. The players all launch into ‘I Will Survive’. A little while later (and perhaps because the NPCs didn't join in the song) Zenobia is looking at the last surviving minion, who is still Petrified, and also on fire.

Zenobia: Is he still alive?
Nemat: I think so?
Zenobia: … should we do something about that?
Asrian: I could pick him up and put him outside.
Nemat: He might have useful information. And it would be nice to take a prisoner back with us for once.
Onka: We are law-abiding citizens, supposedly.

Either way, these mumia-producers were very lucky that their stockpile of raw materials weren’t woken up by that necromantic pulse a week ago.

Zenobia OoC: Well, Miss Crystal Dragon, it wasn’t zombies, it was Mumia producers. So if your new place of business has a reputation as a meth lab, that’s why.
Nemat: Also, there’s a roomful of potential zombies in the side room, but we sealed it up and they should be fine if you leave them alone.

Once we get it repaired, the Elegiac Compass projects a beam out across the rooftops, towards the centre of the Necropolis. Not entirely surprising. We still need to find another compass to triangulate it properly.

[Scott Ruggels]

In our version of the adventure, my Character, a super High Charisma Dragon Disciple (Bronze), Flirted shamelessly with the young Crystal Dragon for about a half hour, much to the amusement and cat calls from the other players, and got the Crystal, by basically buying it off of her (He's rich).  Now that he can BE a dragon, he can't return, but won't, as he is now betrothed to another...  *sniff* She was so pretty, though.

[BoloOfEarth]

One of the players in Sunday's D&D game was not able to attend.  The prior session, her character got engaged to an NPC, with a wedding planned basically the next game session.  Since she wasn't able to attend, we delayed the wedding, though texts went back and forth:

 

GM:  We could have your wedding and the groom would get to make all the decisions.

Player:  Oh, I don't think so.

Me:  Two words:  Nude wedding.

Player:  Umm, I have no response to that.

Player 2:  For everyone, or just the people getting married?!

Me:  Well, Raphael [my character, a vain, flirty high-Charisma paladin] would be good with everybody.

Player 3:  Absolutely.  Good heroes like us have nothing to hide.

Player 2:  Oh my!

 

During the game, some more texting to and from the missing player:
 

Me:  The bride was very lovely in her lace veil... and nothing else.  The groom had a very fetching bow, strategically placed.

Player:  Ugh.  I'm at work.  Quit bothering me.

 

In prior sessions, our female fighter (Marie, who used to wield a +2 great sword) got an intelligent, powerful spear with additional cold powers, so she sold her great sword and used the money to buy some magic plate mail.  Later on, she got transformed - the spear disappeared and she became able to generate an ice spear at will.  However, due to other baggage she didn't like her transformation so we managed to get her changed back to normal.  However, she now has no weapon.

 

Marie:   Does anyone have a great sword I can use?

Raphael:  I do.  (wiggles eyes suggestively)  You know why I call it my "great sword"?  Because I have to wield it two-handed...

Marie:  ??

[Lucius]

 

Two players are riding divine winged horses to the moon and encounter one of the dragon riders of Ka'ruk en route.

 

Bill, playing Stoddard the Barbarian: "Is it possible for you to be stealthy and we can sneak up on the dragon?"

 

WInged Horse: "We are living symbols of divine inspiration. We are not sneaky, we are glorious."

 

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary says it was something like that

 

[Drhoz]

Flux, our technomage, has been mind-controlled and kidnapped by Talisman and the other bad guys. He’ll probably realise that going off with them was a bad idea, but not until the spell wears off.

GM: 24 hours later you go B**** F***ing MINDCONTROL!

Not that some of us have actually realised this yet - we’re still in a smoke and crow-filled California bungalow, where we were trying to pull Black Paladin apart like a stewed chicken. He teleported out before we could.

Hero Shrew: Coward! Come back and fight like a man! *looks around* Where’s Flux?
Allana: He got teleported out. Willingly.
Hero Shrew: … what?
Flux OoC: I’m going to put it all down to mind control.
GM: You’ve seen the way Talisman dresses, right? There will be debate which brain you were thinking with.

Scooter is bit upset. Quite more upset than the rest of the team are used to.

Flux OoC: You weren’t nearly as upset when Fireflash was kidnapped.
Hero Shrew OoC: Letting her be kidnapped was the PLAN. Then it went pear-shaped.
Flux OoC: That’s true. We all panicked a bit when my thingy-detector stopped detecting.
GM: ‘Thingy-detector’ - this is the level of competency Quadrant had before Allana joined.

GM: Does ANYBODY in this team apart from Flux have any occult knowledge?
Allana: Of course not. *pointing around the team from herself, to Scooter, to Fireflash, to Hardlight* Mundane, mundane, mundane, mundane and an idiot.

And least there’s a few minions half-buried in the wreckage we can apprehend. Less happily half the magic circles were destroyed when Scooter burrowed up from underground. And the bungalow is still surrounding by guardian undead.

Fireflash Hi, my name is Fireflash, this is my ID. You’re under arrest.
Minions: Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer.

GM: Sonya recognises some of the symbols though ‘Those are planetary symbols! They keep showing up in Sailor M- … never mind’. Her Geek is showing.

Flux OoC: Are these headshot zombies? *BLAM* Nope, still moving - limbs it is then.
Hero Shrew OoC: Unless it’s Saturday Morning Cartoons zombies, who always seem to revert to human at the end of the episode.
GM: Even in Saturday Morning Cthulhu - I mean Inhumanoids.

Hero Shrew: I’m going to have to ask Colin for time off from my other job. I’m going to have to concentrate on finding my friend.
GM: You could always rent out one of those new Sleep Pods.
Flux OoC: Non-zero chance of psychosis though.
Hero Shrew: If we don’t find Flux soon, I’m probably going to go psychotic anyway.

We DO try to track down where the bad guys got the generator, inflatable mattresses, and porta-potty from, but it’s hardly likely that Black Paladin, Talisman, and Shadow Dragon would have been hiding out here eating microwave dinners. This site was probably just one of their attempts to get their Big Project to work, and they’ve probably taken Flux back to their actual hide-out. And we’ve got no way to contact Alberich, the mage that showed up to assist in the previous battle. That doesn’t stop him and his Cabal (which apparently includes a necromancer, a former vampire, and a Moreau voodoo-practitioner) from finding us.

Allana: Mr. Alberich is here. Sorry, I never found out if Alberich was a first or last name.

From the scent Allana picks up, the wolf-Moreau apparently used some of Scooter’s hair to locate the team, but she doesn’t stick around long enough to ask. She used her magic to get Alberich here in a hurry.

Alberich: So, there was a magic circle here. Which you destroyed.
Allana: Scooter came up through it and the roof couldn’t support my weight.
Alberich: A collective ‘you’.

Apparently they were trying to bind a fire elemental. Our new Harry-Dresden-wannabe also analyses the residual magic to get us a bearing on wherever Flux was taken, and opens a portal. Using the same black smoky energy Talisman uses. This doesn't reassure Fireflash and Allana. But they’ll have to hold Scooter back once Alberich explains.

Allana wisely waves her smartphone through the portal to get a GPS signal first - it’s Ellison Heights, a few blocks from Fireflash’s home. Allana’s plan is to grab Flux and bug out. The room on the other side is nice enough, but Allana can hear somebody watching porn nearby.

GM: The guy watching porn has a stab vest and a shock rod. He uses it on Girl Scouts.
Hero Shrew: What???
GM: Ok, that come out wrong - he uses it on anybody that comes knocking on the front door and won’t go away. Jehovah’s Witnesses.

GM: The rest of the guys have gone to get everything on Flux’s shopping list. Flux IS there, gesturing and chanting over a pile of crystals.
Allana: Sorry about this *punches Flux out*

We grab Flux and everything that looks expensive or important and try and sneak out again. Happily, Alberich obliges with another portal. Scooter thinks he recognises one of the Moreaus in the porn, but doesn’t alert the bad guys by ejaculating something to that effect.

GM: And in related news Dysprosium Dawn have a reduced presence on the streets for a while, because somebody rolled them, and they don’t want to say who. That’s because Flux told Black Paladin and Talisman they should steal the materials they need from Dysprosium Dawn.
Flux: I was mind-controlled at the time.

It also takes Allana to remind us we got our copies of Superhero Teams For Dummies from PRIMUS, and we all put it to one side because we were busy.

Fireflash I was in the middle of exams at the time. My copy is back at Mum’s place, at the bottom of the ‘to read’ pile. Or maybe in storage.

And Scooter is back working the door at the Collar Club when some guy in a suit apparently offers a job. He’s one of those excessively friendly people that leave Scooter baffled.

Hero Shrew: Um, OK? My shift ends in an hour.
Strange Guy: Great! I’ll meet you inside - take in the ambience. You stay you, champ.

Hero Shrew: So what’s this job? I’m already working two.
Strange Guy: It’s not a job offer, it’s a revenue stream. Call me Rep.

Rep: You’re an important guy, Scooter - working a place like this isn’t really image-friendly.
Hero Shrew: Hey, it’s the best titty-bar in the Zoo.

Rep: We’re talking endorsement deals, licensed merchandise. You eat a lot of those food bars, right?
Hero Shrew: Wow, you’ve really been doing your research.

He also knows where the other team members live and work - or at least those with public identities. He also knows all about the importance of keeping secret identities secret. But apparently going to Allana’s clinic or Fireflash’s home would be more sleazy than going to the Collar Club. He only wants 15% of whatever deal he arranges for us, after Scooter talks it over with the rest of the team. Scooter calls Fireflash, at 3AM. She answers the videophone naked, but he doesn’t comment.

GM: He works at a titty-bar.
Hero Shrew: I see LOTS of co-workers naked.

Fireflash So what impression did you get?
Hero Shrew: 15% seemed fair?
Flux: Net or gross?

Hero Shrew: Can I get an action figure?

Apparently the Rep also represents people like Sapphire, and a few of the Bay Area teams. Fireflash calls her mom to get advice - she’s a commerce attorney for accounting firms - and arranges a lunchtime meeting with the Rep, herself, her mom, and Flux. Hero Shrew needs to sleep, Hardlight has a krill-farming meeting he can’t afford to miss, and Allana wouldn’t fit in the chairs. Or perhaps she would have - the Rep has actually arranged reinforced steel chairs with the restaurant.

Rep: Miss Helstrom, Mr Flux! And this gorgeous creature must be your sister? I know, I know, it’s an old compliment, I know she’s your mother. Afternoon, Mrs Helstrom, charmed to meet you.

Rep: I can see Nocturne as the spokesperson for brassieres. What’s the biggest complaint for large-chested women? Lack of support!
Fireflash *comparatively flat-chested* Really.
Rep: And swimsuits for you!

Rep: I’m talking those three magic words in marketing - Collect. Them. All.

Fireflash’s mom certainly likes everything she’s hearing, and the example contract he brought with him is comprehensive.

Flux: Why us?
Rep: You’re new! Used to be Hero Shrew might have come across as tokenism - too much of an uphill battle for me. But now you have Nocturne - two Moreaus on the team, and two women! Great visuals.

Fireflash What do you think, Mom?
Ellen Helstrom: Well, I feel like I need a shower after this, but he really seems to been looking after your interests, not his own.

Fireflash I think we can introduce him to the rest of the team.
GM: At the very least it’ll be fun to watch fur crawl.

Rep: Sonya, you change your outfits all the time, that’s great! Flux, you never change yours. We’ll ramp up the Snake-eyes aspect - all your details are redacted. It’s a SECRET!
Allana: Glowy axes and shields...
Rep: Hardlight is the Accessory Hound! Scooter has to be brushable.
Allana: My toy is going to be HUGE.

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder : Mummy's Mask : Wandering Monsters
Nemat: One of the advantages of being an urban adventurer is actually getting to sleep in a bed.

Onka: For a minute there I thought we were going to tart up the gnoll.
Zenobia: ...what?
Nemat: Nothing!

Even if most of the undead in the Necropolis are crowding around the gates like Black Friday shoppers, there's still plenty of random monsters to run into. For example, we're heading towards the second Elegiac Compass location, and realise we’re being followed by some exceptionally unpleasant undead - hairless, festering, so malformed that they’re quadrupedal. Happy, their actual combat prowess isn’t so sophisticated. If they’d just waited until we reached the bathhouse, we wouldn’t have smelled them coming - the place is a swamp.

Asrian: But no naked zombies.
Nemat: Thank the gods.

Nemat does find a Lens of Detection among the wreckage, though.

Nemat OoC: An Inquisitor just found a Lens of Detection - all the criminals leave town. I can go full Mad-eye Moody with this.

Asrian: Well, this was a bust. But not as beautiful as Zenobia’s.
Zenobia: *blushes under her regrown fur*

The other two locations we need to check are the Pyramid of Arithmetic Bliss, and the Tomb of Menket Maatya. Nemat, naturally, wants to go to the latter, so he can exercise his History Geek skillz. Menket was a wizard and astrologer who died about a century ago, who just before his death made arrangements for his tomb.

Nemat: Just before? This was a good astronomer.

Unfortunately it looks like somebody got here before us. The place has been looted, and the crystal from the middle of this compass is missing as well. Nemat launches into a high-speed pursuit of the culprit, and the first thing he finds is a metal skull amid the rubble, which he picks up. Apparently it’s a Gearghost, and it doesn’t like being disturbed.

Skullboy: OI! Getoff! This is my loot! Nobody else gets it!

Gearghosts were thieves killed by traps, and exist to spread the pain by making their own traps. It seems likely he was one of the people the Silver Chain used to loot the Necropolis.

Onka: It would be such a useful undead is it wasn’t bats**** crazy.

Happily, one of Nemat’s abilities synchronises very well with and scimitar-work by his friends, and Zenobia and Asrian both use scimitars. The demented metal skull is promptly dispatched, although it will probably reform soon enough. Off to the Pyramid of Arithmetic Bliss! It’s just as well there aren’t any maths geeks in the party. For one thing it’s trapezoidal.

Nemat: Ah, it’s a conceptual pyramid.

Naturally we try to get in through the topmost floor, first. This could be a problem, since the chamber is black. With spiders. Happily, Onka knows Fireball. Less happily, the surviving spiders pile up around the body of a gigantic dead spider. Which animates. And sprays web at us. Which catches fire in the burning oil we set up as a barrier ( and the toppings contains Potassium Benzoate). Happily, Nemat can easily make himself resistant to the flames, which is even better when Zenobia hits the monster with a Tangleburn Bag.

Zenobia: Doesn’t Tangleburn explode if you try to put it out with water?
Onka: I believe so. Who knows Create Water?
Nemat: *grinning evilly* I do.

 

[CrosshairCollie]

Finally getting back into gaming, running D&D 5e's The Sunless Citadel.  The PCs have just encountered the kobold Meepo, who has agreed to take them to see his leader.  There's a password he shouts every once and again.

Meepo: "Meepo will say (word) sometimes.  Is sa--password."

Me OOC: "I almost said safeword.  That's just not right."

Jeff OOC: "That's a whole 'nother kind of dungeon."

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder : Mummy's Mask : PC Parkour
Zenobia OoC: Another random wandering monster then?
GM: No.
Zenobia OoC: Ah, this is SUPPOSED to be here then.

GM: Apart from the burning corpse of the giant spider - well, AGAIN corpse -
Zenobia: Double-corpse.
GM: There’s another body. You didn’t see it before because, well -
Zenobia: The room was black with spiders. You said. And now we have a light source.

It’s a recent corpse, wearing a funerary mask. Just like those favoured by the weirdo who took over the Silver Chain, and who was seen lurking around the Necropolis before S*** Got Real. He’s covered in spider bites, but it’s the numerous claw marks and slashing injuries that killed him. He also has a notebook, giving the locations of the Elegiac Compasses, and orders to go to same from one Nebta-Khufre. It also mentions the Sanctum of the Erudite Eye, the Shining Bauble, and a couple of other places that we’ve been to ourselves. Some of them have been crossed out. But the Elegiac Compass that is SUPPOSED to here, isn’t, and nor is there any visible space for an attic.

We head downstairs, where there are some bored mummies. Who stop being bored the moment they spot us coming down the stairs. And paralyse everybody but Asrian with their auras of despair.

GM: Asrian, you slash the nearest mummy across the abdomen. It’s guts are on the floor… Or would be, if it had any.
Zenobia OoC: I was about to say - it’s guts should be in a canopic jar somewhere.

Nemat gets over the paralysis soon enough to attempt to Shackle the mummies to each other. Perhaps we’re making a remake of The Defiant Ones. But given the undead are soon just dead, perhaps not. We rifle through the empty sarcophagi, unfinished scientific and mathematical manuscripts, and a campsite somebody apparently set up in here. But by the looks of of things, they were NOT looting the burial chambers - the mummies got up by themselves later. The LIBRARY got looted. Happily, Nemat knows the Sift spell.

GM: Book, book, scroll, scroll, book, hidden switch, book -
Asrian: Switch?
Nemat: Yeah yeah, I’ll get back to it. Book book, scroll, book.

He also stuff’s Zenobia’s extradimensional backpack with as many books and scrolls as will fit.

There’s a hidden stairway leading up, revealed by the switch. Also something is chattering, but it doesn’t sound like language. It’s a pair of shadowy ghost-skeletons, trying to operate the Elegiac compass. THESE have an aura attack too. But at least we can get a bearing from the compass before heading back to the temple in Wati to get all our mental and spiritual damage healed. And now we know the epicenter of the necromantic energy, a temple and observatory dedicated to Maat and Thoth.

Hopefully Nemat won’t need to seduce a free Restoration out of Sebti the Crocodile.

GM: You know what? I’m going to make all the female NPCs lesbian, just to stop you doing that.
Zenobia OoC: But that won’t stop Asrian or me.
Onka OoC: So you’re screwed either way.
Zenobia OoC: As the actress said to the bishop.

Nemat’s eventual plan is to become a Living Monolith, the walking embodiments of Justice.

GM: Most spellcasters want to be liches. You just want to be a robot.

The Pharasmaens can’t think why somebody would want to set up the observatory as the epicentre of the necromantic ritual, but it is one of the tallest buildings in the district.

Zenobia: At least we can go find that other guy and tell him ‘guess who found the Elegiac compasses?’
Nemat: And ‘Your Nosoi would never have found it’
Zenobia: Can’t operate hidden switches for one thing.

An overnight rest and back into the Necropolis, via the tunnel and rooftops.

Zenobia OoC: PC parkour.

GM: You enter the Observatory of Truth and Wisdom!
Zenobia OoC: Which in most worlds means there’s not much to observe.

Asrian: I’m casting Honeyed Tongue on myself.
Zenobia: … no comment.

Nemat uses the spell ‘Locate Object’ to see if a certain golden mask is anywhere nearby, by contemplating one of the cheaper versions we picked up earlier, and imagining it gold. It is - somewhere underneath the observatory. We can expect to encounter the new master of the Silver Chain real soon...

[Duke Bushido]

From my youth group game:

 

Red Cloak (sorcerer type) :

I  can totally snare them all!  Watch!  I draw my silver spider amulet, (grabs dice) leap into the room, with the amulet primed, and cast (rolls 18 on his Activation roll)....  Aspersions...  On all of them...  And their families..... 

 

Red Cloak again (the oldest player, at fourteen, and the slowest to come around, but he's really been on fire the last couple of sessions) :

 

Now I suggest you all surrender, immediately, and this will be over painlessly. 

 

Thug leader:  If you could back that threat up, you'd have done something already.  Get him, Boys! 

 

Red Cloak:  there is a very good reason I don't just fill this chamber with lightning bolts and electrocute you all! (player pauses, thoughtfully for a moment, the resumes).  Fortunately, I don't remember it right now. (rolls dice) 

 

[Dkap]

Who is the warden at Strong Hold Col. Klink?   

[Christopher]

On 3/22/2019 at 2:38 PM, Dkap said:

Who is the warden at Strong Hold Col. Klink?   

You know, Col. Klink is not the worst possible Warden

Sergeant Schultz would be even worse

[Scott Ruggels]

On 3/22/2019 at 6:38 AM, Dkap said:

Who is the warden at Strong Hold Col. Klink?   

Depends on the campaign, but it’s quite possible. 

[Duke Bushido]

On 3/22/2019 at 9:38 AM, Dkap said:

Who is the warden at Strong Hold Col. Klink?   

 

"sorry; you can't add any more rep today." 

 

I'll get back to you(r player). 

[steriaca]

30 minutes ago, Duke Bushido said:

 

"sorry; you can't add any more rep today." 

 

I'll get back to you(r player). 

Ah...I remember rep on the board.

 

Man, I'm getting old.

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder - The Mummy's Mask - Boss Fight
The Covenant of Wati have located the source of the Necromantic energy currently erupting from the Necropolis - somewhere underneath the Observatory of Truth and Wisdom.

Zenobia: Expect combat- the kind of people who set off necromantic geysers that run all week are generally not the kind of people you can reason with. I’m not saying it’s IMPOSSIBLE- it’s just not very likely

Zenobia OoC : Down down deeper and down. Bit odd for an observatory, unless they’re installing a neutrino telescope.

Chamber of zombies and desecrated altar - how to lure all the zombies close enough to get them all with a single Channel Positive Energy?

Nemat: Din-dins! Come on! Juicy adventurer meat here!

The reconsecrated temple can also provide holy water, if a suitable donation is made - large amounts of silver.

Zenobia OoC : I get the impression we are about to cure zombism with a homeopathic preparation of monatomic silver and holy water.

We’re interrupted during zombie decapitation by the arrival of a gold-masked figure and a few minions.

Meret-Hetef: You fools! The mask belongs to us! We are the true heirs of the Sky-Pharaoh’s legacy!
Zenobia OoC : I suggest she gets as far as the second ‘o’ in fools, when Nemat, who was waiting by the door for just such an entrance, blats her.

The minions have much higher initiative then their boss.

Zenobia: They probably have much better situational awareness, because they’re not wearing a mask.

Meret-Hetef turns herself invisible.

Zenobia: So she cast Disillusionment on herself. And we’re about to disillusion her about other things too.

After Onka’s application of 50,000 volts to Meret-Hetef and the minions, the former head of the Silver Chain and the surviving cultist promptly surrender.

Zenobia: I don’t think they were fully invested in the whole ‘cult’ thing.

Zenobia: We’ll be back to collect you shortly, but bare in mind that any information you can give us will ensure your cases are considered favourably by the cult of Pharasma.
Asrian: And increase the chance that we actually come back for you.
Zenobia: That too. I was more focusing on the future of their immortal souls.

We explore further, and hear a woman screaming. Screaming stuff like “What are you doing, why did you leave me here, you never give me any respect!” all in Modern Osiriani. Nemat peeks around the corner wearing one of the burial masks. He’s spotted. “Oh, and now he’s sent his minions to collect me! Well, hurry up, wretch, take me to my grandson!”

It’s a severed human head, in a birdcage.

Nemat: Another poor wretch to put down.
The Head: What?! Who are you?! Guards! Deal with them!

She has her own skeletal minions.

Zenobia: I’d rather not use Channel Positive Energy to kill all the undead. She might be worth interrogating.
Nemat: I don’t care, I don’t want to listen to that voice.
GM: Neither does the bad guy. That why he stuck her in here.

The head tries to permanently demoralise Asrian with a curse, which bounces off with zero effect.

The Head: Imagine gnolls naked!
Asrian: .... have you MET my girlfriend? Was that supposed to demoralise me? Exact opposite effect I’d say.

The undead don’t last long.

The Head: Just end it already! I’ve been a head for decades and my grandkids don’t visit!
Zenobia: Would you like to tell your grandson this in person, honoured grandmother?
The Head: And then you’ll end me? Deal! The little bastard will be downstairs, wearing his ancestor’s mask!
Onka: *bludgeons the head to a pulp*
The Head: Tell the ungrateful brat I’ll be waiting for him in the afterlife!

Nemat is traumatised - not from any spell or anything, but just because the room is carved with a COMPREHENSIVE record for Wati going back some 2000 years. And he doesn’t have enough paper to take rubbings of them all.

Asrian: We can come back later.
GM: As long as the bad guy isn’t a Load-bearing boss

Following the directions of the shrieking head, we discover that there are even deeper levels under the observatory, but unlike the temple dedicated to the old pantheon above, theses ones have defences designed with the new pantheon in mind. Somewhat peculiar - perhaps we should actually interrogate captives more thoroughly. Still, there are also more undead, which is no surprise at all. And teleport traps, which ARE surprising, and not good.

Zenobia OoC : And the worst thing is I can’t even interrogate this thing to find out what it did with my girlfriend.

Onka: I must be carrying the Wand of Invisibility then.
Nemat: Yes. Zenobia’s backpack is full of books.
Asrian: And I need to watch my weight.
Onka: … no comment.
Zenobia: Lucky for you.
Asrian: Yes. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘Scimitar Enema’?

Combat vs. high level undead after a teleport trap splits the party is nasty. A well-preserved corpse is merely suspicious. Zenobia cautiously checks for cause of death.

GM: She be dead.
Zenobia: Like that means anything, down here.

Apparently she was a temple prostitute of Callistria, who died of exposure in the desert, and had Gentle Repose cast on her remains. Asrian collects her belongings for return to the nearest Callistrian temple, and decapitates the corpse, just in case.

Nemat: Callistria is the goddess of trickery, lust and vengeance.
Zenobia: Got it - ‘Don’t Piss Off The Callistrians.’

We also find Mr. Gold Mask’s diary and notes. It has all the details about his plan and motivation we could hope for. Apparently there are bits of the Mad Sky-Pharaoh in the possession of various competing groups across Wati.

Zenobia: Helpful text-only monologue

Nemat: So that explains that. We may have accelerated his plans a bit.
Onka: ‘Damn those adventurers and their gnoll companion’
Nemat: Ow.
Onka OoC: We’re missing a fifth to make the Scooby Gang
Nemat OoC: Wait, does that make me Velma?!

A bit later, after some in-Zenobia’s-opinion-unwarranted body image issues from Asrian, we buff each with potions and spells and kick in the door for the final boss.

GM: Nebta-Khufre has been waiting for you.
Zenobia: He would have been annoyed if we just rested up in the anteroom.
Nemat: ‘come on, I haven’t got all the time in the world’
Onka: ‘Yet.’
Nebta-Khufre: At last, the Covenant of Wati have come to face me!
Zenobia: We’re famous.
Nemat: Well, ‘famous’ is part of the word.

Onka: How nice of him to stand still and talk as we walk up the stairs to kill him.

Admittedly Mr Gold Mask does Fly up out of reach and turn a large part of the floor into white-hot obsidian spikes, but that was probably counterproductive because Nemat promptly Dispels his Fly. The fight continues, at length, with Zenobia taking serious damage from the minions - the boss is not in much of a state to do anything.

GM: ‘stop hitting him, he’s already dead *sob*’

Zenobia: If whatever is in that sarcophagus sits up now, I will be a bit cross.

It doesn’t, but killing Nebta-Khufre also ends the fountain of Necromantic energy over Wati, and prevents the resurrection of Wati’s founder as a powerful undead minion.

GM: And no it was not a load-bearing boss.
Zenobia: Yay for archeology!

Zenobia: Now we can go back and collect those prisoners we left tied up.
Nemat: Oh yeah! I’m glad one of us remembered.

The Mask of the Forgotten Pharaoh is a pretty potent item, and only gets more so the longer you wear it.

GM: One legend about it says it can raise hundreds of undead over a wide area:

Zenobia: I think we can safely say that isn’t a legend anymore.

Just as well we don’t have to inform the Pharasmaens or Nethysians about what we found, since it seems likely that we’ll need all the bits of of the loony sky-pharaoh to finally usher him on to the afterlife, and his cult want the bits to raise him again. Assuming the Forgotten Pharaoh and the Sky Pharaoh are actually the same person. Time to head to the libraries of the capital! After we’re helped Nemat loot every library under Wati.

[Drhoz]

Champions - Return To Edge City - Big Bucks and Big Monsters
The Edge City team - still officially Quadrant despite having five members - are meeting up with somebody that wants to be our Agent.

Hero Shrew:We can get action figures!

Rep’s deal is commission-only, without retainer. Pretty good for us - if we don’t make any money, neither does he.

Of course, Hardlight want to figure out a way that his civilian identity can sponsor himself.

Hero Shrew:Is this some way to avoid tax?
Hardlight:… no?
Flux:Even supervillains pay tax.
GM:SOME supervillains pay tax.

We can’t find any bad reviews of Rep online. On the other hand we can’t find any statistics on how many agents for superhero teams get killed or kidnapped by supervillains. We decide to meet him to seal the deal anyway - Rep suggests a local Chinese restaurant. We make sure we get there early. Rep has already arranged to have those reinforced chairs brought in.

Hardlight:… I’m just going to scan these chairs - just in case.
GM:They’re cast iron with comfortable cushions.

Rep has some good suggestions for bank accounts and taxes vs. secret identities. And points out that in these days of social media, trying to stay out of the limelight is nearly impossible, so you might as well profit from it.

Rep:Yep, 30 hits already for photos of us here at this table.

Rep:And with you Scooter, it has to be food. Every other photo of you I could find, you’re eating something - thankfully not someone.
Hero Shrew:I can eat mealworm bars all day - and I do. Do I still get an action figure?
Flux:Can you make one of those that opens and closes jaws when you squeeze it?
Rep:Oh no, those things are a hazard to children - last thing you want associated with your Moreau.

The Sonic the Hedgehog character Rouge gets mentioned, in relation to Allana.

Rep:There’s another Bat-Moreau in town?
Fireflasht:It’s a geek reference - look up ‘Rouge Sonic the Hedgehog ‘ later.
Rep:I’ll do that.
Hardlight:Safe search on!
Rep:I keep that switched off - I need to know what my clients are up against.

Hardlight:I keep thinking there’s something I’m forgetting about. Wasn’t there some evil guy running around?
Flux:Well, there was what Scooter did to that pile of dumplings, that was pretty evil.
Hero Shrew:No, it’s the aftermath of all those dumplings that’s evil.

A few days later Scooter is spending a rainy night in a Zoo eatery when he is rudely reminded that shrews are small and most predators are large. In the form of a fourteen-storey tall eyeless T-rex with extra spikes.

Hero Shrew:Speed dial speed dial….
GM:‘Hey Google - CALL THE TEAM’
Hardlight:Hey Scooter - what’s up?
Hero Shrew:Either somebody put some funny mushrooms in my ramen, or I’m looking at a fifteen story tall Godzilla in the Zoo.
Allana:*sticks her head out the door of her apartment to listen*
Fireflash:I’m on my way.
Flux:Kaiju - that’s a hashtag that I didn’t want to see today.

Scooter is feeling some very old instincts as he follows the kaiju down the street - the kind of instincts his distinct ancestors evolved back when they were running around under the claws of dinosaurs and terror birds. Normally he’d be loudly and joyfully attacking its ankles, but too many of his forebears saw teeth like those, briefly.

The rest of the team converge - Hardlight in a taxi.

GM:You’re more incompetent with your own powers than Ralph Hinkley.

At least the kaiju isn’t doing much property damage - it seems to looking for something, eyeless head swing around, and the array of spines along its flanks flexing like an antenna array.

GM:It’s still a Doyouthinkhesaurus-scale threat, but...

Hardlight decides that trying to jam whatever it’s doing on the radio frequency, from eight meters away, is a good idea.

Hero Shrew:uuuuhhhh…..
GM:Well, we all heard him say it. Eight meters away. OK.
Hero Shrew:Even I think this a bad idea.

The kaiju goes berserk.

GM:You didn’t blind it, you cut it’s LEASH! It’s reverted to its normal behaviour - EAT
Hardlight:My theory is confirmed! *gets smacked into a building*
Flux:Clearly the Evil Hardlight has gone back to his own dimension and we’re got the original incompetent one back.

Fireflash:After we deal with this, we search Hardlight for wherever he’s hiding the Idiot Ball.

Hero Shrew continues the theme by trying to leap onto the thing, despite lacking any acrobatics or climbing skills. Our other attacks are about as ineffective, but fortunately it stops rampaging and returns to its search pattern, eventually narrowing down whatever it’s searching for to a warehouse area near the docks. Allana goes sniffing before the kaiju can start searching building to building - and smells something new pervading the area. Something old, yet young, reminiscent of Moreaus. And something metabolising really, really fast.

And then a Monstersaurus bursts up from under the street, and screams a challenge at the first one. So now we’re in the middle of a kaiju fight.

Hero Shrew:NOW there’s going to be property damage.

And then we here a THIRD roar from the north - and see rocket engines. It’s something that hasn’t been seen in a decade - the Potentially Copyright-Compromising Minuteman Robot. A giant robot that got shut down for being notoriously murderous, even without the influence of Mechanon. Fireflash certainly recognises it, and prioritises IT as the prime target, even with two kaiju wrestling around the docks. But Allana is busy punching one of the kaijus back on its arse, but the other kaiju doesn’t appreciate the interference, and the first few blasts of Godzilla breath get blasted around, even as the first one is getting its teeth punched out by Hero Shrew. The Minuteman robot is firing missiles, but at least the ones that miss seem programmed to turn out over the bay and detonate where they can’t hurt anybody. The first kaiju bites a chunk the size of a schoolbus out of the unconscious Monstersaurus.

Hero Shrew:Well, I think we can safely say they weren’t here to mate.
Flux:I wasn’t thinking that. Scooter, we need to talk about your mating habits. Actually, Allana, YOU talk to him about his mating habits.

The first kaiju isn’t swallowing the monstersaurus flesh either - just holding it in its mouth. Odd. But some of us are suffering too many acid burns to care. Fireflash is beginning to suspect that the giant robot is actually piloted, and whoever is piloting it just wanted to fight kaiju, and with both Kaiju punched unconscious it’s slowing down again. Hardlight, on the other hand, apparently wants to stop the kaiju actually dying.

Allana tells Scooter to hurry to the ocean to deal with the ongoing acid burns.

Allana:It’ll stop you melting.

The robot has stopped, saluted, and the chest opens up and somebody gets out.

Allana:Look out, it’s deploying biological weapons!

At least it’s unlikely to be anybody from the original group that built the Minutemen - they really didn’t like monsters, mutates, and anybody that wasn’t human for at least a few hours a day. That kind of people would be unlikely to salute our group - only Hardlight passes, and that’s only if his powers derive solely from his armour.

[Drhoz]

Champions - Edge City - Under the Sea, Under the Sea
First, a few quotes best out of context

Hardlight: I have a arch-nemesis.
Hero Shrew: Who, your counterpart from the Evil Universe who makes you look bad by actually being good at your job?
Hardlight: No! Centurion! MY ARCH-NEMESIS…. Who doesn’t know anything about me.

Fireflash’s ongoing problems of finding a scorchproof lover

GM: Most of the energy beings are asexual, which doesn’t help Fireflash much.
Hero Shrew: Some sort of quantum superposition?
Fireflash: Well, that’d BETTER be a super position!

Anyway - the five members of Quadrant managed to beat up two kaiju before they could level too many city blocks, and before a giant mecha could turn the monster tussle into a threesome. But the pilot of that has an interesting story - he’d persuaded Humanity First to bankroll it and when an opportunity to be a superhero showed up, nicked it. This probably going to be worth chasing up later, but there’s a more urgent issue, especially for Hero Shrew and Allana. Because the Terrorsaurus that was fighting the Monstersaurus was created using the same techniques Genesys used to create the Moreaus. And the control and radar signals are coming from a sub in the bay. There’s also that giant invisible squid we encountered before, but it’s asleep, or in stasis.

Flux: None of us could figure out how to operate the giant squid so we’re leaving it for the professionals.

On the sub are five Genesys scientists, and a Chimp-Moreau that they were using as a living hard drive. With a built-in neural pruning organism that the bad guys activate when we smash our way in. Happily, Allana is a very very very good medic, and her needles could fit down the optic nerve canal, and she’s careful enough that the neural pruner won’t spread if contagious. And Flux can copy the electronic versions of the data of their computer systems. So know we know everything that Genesys have been up to for the last 15 years, and the location of the the giant abalone-sub they’ve been hiding in.

On the other hand, the Clean-up Crew would like to know what happened to about 5 kilos of Monstersaurus. It looks like it was cut out.

Hero Shrew: Well, I think I punched out some of its teeth - did you get all those?

Maybe the street cameras or the media blimps saw something - but the later would want big bucks for the footage.

Flux: Call our PR guy ‘Please negotiate for the footage - because it was awesome!’

Hero Shrew does find footage that looks like something is cutting out monster steaks, which then vanish. There’s no sign of a stealth-field fringe, or the lip of an invisible bag swallowing the samples.

Hero Shrew: … It’s not Doctor Soma is it?
GM: Oh look, it’s her!
Flux: Her Somebody-Else’s-Problem works through cameras????
GM: Yeah - but fails against anybody actually looking for her. Which is a big problem for an invisibility field.

Hero Shrew: Well, it’s probably not urgent that we find out why Dr Soma wants monster steaks.
GM: She IS an expert in abnormal physiology.
Hero Shrew: And Monstersauri are pretty abnormal.
Flux: Not that abnormal - they’re just giant T. rexes that breath fire.
Fireflash: And that’s normal in which universe?
Allana: This one, apparently.
GM: At least you stopped Genesys getting a sample to use their Moreau Process on.
All: *get cold sweats*

While Scooter was busy going over the video footage, Hardlight has been organising a meet with the pillars of the Moreau community to give them the news about Genesys.

Hero Shrew: Hopefully Genesys will assume the neural pruning virus and the rest of it worked as planned, so they won’t know we’re coming.

We meet at a Moreau restaurant - but in addition to Simon the feline lawyer, Madam Lil the otter, and Colin the Collie, there’s a Rhino most of us haven’t seen before.

Hardlight: I assume you can vouch for-
Robert: I’m right here.
Hardlight: Sorry - I’m a bit paranoid about the news I’m about to tell you.
Robert: About the ECPD taking five Genesys scientists into custody?
All: …
Robert: I have my own sources.

Robert the Rhino is not only a slumlord, but he has contacts and supply lines to other Moreau communities around the world, ensuring the manimals get all the stuff they actually need.

Robert: Did you know that most Moreaus can’t use paracetamol?
Fireflash: I didn’t know it, but I’m not surprised.
Hero Shrew: Allana knew.
Allana: I carry 20 different painkillers at all times.
Hero Shrew: And some double as human party drugs.
Allana: Anyway, we know where Genesys are hiding. Or were.
Flux: It’s mobile.
Robert: I see. Well, that explains a lot.
Hero Shrew: A giant abalone-sub. Like the snail at the end of Doctor Dolittle!
All: … what?

It’s pointed out to us that the captured scientists are going to need protection - largely because once the wider Moreau community finds out, they’re going get lynched. And there’s an unknown number of Moreaus with superpowers.

Hardlight: There’s one more thing - you know Doctor Soma?
Madam Lil, Colin the Collie, and Simon: *cringe*
Robert the Rhino: Who?
Hero Shrew: *hurriedly* never mind, clearly not important.
Colin: *sigh* Well, the cat’s out of the bag now.
Simon the Feline: *glares at Colin*

Soma is probably just collecting samples to advance her research - at least when she collects from Moreaus, she asks permission, and destroys the samples afterwards. Colin, Simon, and Lil don’t mind since they really needed a medic for the community before Allana showed up.

We contact the Edge City Police Department, to arrange us escorting the prisoners to more secure facilities out of town. There’s a Thylacine-Moreau detective in the ECPD now.

Flux: I want to ask if she has a pouch, but I’d get punched.
Hardlight: Where do you think she keeps her gun?
Hero Shrew: And now YOU are getting punched.

Allana: Can we borrow a paddy-wagon?
Sandra Polis, Thylacine: Well, we can, but I’d need to assign a pair of ECPD to go with you….. Oh, I have JUST the pair.

It’s two cops who don’t particularly like Moreaus.

Hardlight: ‘My daughter ran off with a cat’
GM: You realise that’s going to be a meme now, right?

At least the prisoner transfer goes smoothly - we had a good plan and arranged distractions with suitable people before the trip. If anybody planned to attack the convoy, they probably weren’t expecting Allana to carry the entire paddywagon and fly. So that’s one problem solved anyway - but the chimp with the eidetic memory hasn’t woken up yet, and the cryptography on the files Flux copied is so strong that he has to pour every bit of his technomancy into it to solve it. But the files promptly self-destruct the moment he does - and when he tries again the files take over OUR computer. And broadcasts our location, before we can unplug it.

Fireflash: And our computer has renamed itself E.V.1.L

GM: So, Flux, how high is your EGO score?
Hardlight: Are we about to have our team hacker mind-controlled again.?

Possibly not, but the encrypted program is ALSO doing its best to erase the data from Flux’s head. The hell??? Eventually, after various post-it notes to himself, he finds a way around the data-bomb, but there’s not much apart from sampling and navigational data on the sub’s computer. No logs. A surprising amount of records regarding faecal contamination of seawater.

Hero Shrew: They’re looking for Cthulhu’s toilet?

They seems to hunting for a particular protein marker in the contamination. Some kind of Moreau. Or, more likely, the entire Marine-Mammal Moreau community that vanished off the face of the earth shortly after the big breakout.

Allana: Doctor Boris?
Boris the Chimp: Am I Doctor Boris?
Allana: That’s what you told me.
Boris: Doctor is an unusual name.
Allana: It’s more of a title.
Boris: There’s lots of doctors here. Do I work here? No… wait… not here. Somewhere…
Allana: Does the name Genesys mean anything to you?
Boris: Yes! I worked there! We did important work!

Boris: We were looking for the thing that was on the thing that we bought. Something greasy... Oil. On the containers? In the containers? We were looking in the packaging...

Boris: You stuck a needle in my eye!
Allana: Yes, I needed to stop a bacterium in your brain.
Boris: You stopped me flinging poo at people! I like you.

Boris: We needed to find where the oil was made… the oil farm.

Allana realises this all might connect to Quadrant’s first mission as a team - recovering the database of Moreau sightings. Genesys are still looking. She should probably go warn a certain place that she doesn’t want to tell the rest of Quadrant about. Doctor Boris puts a few more memories together, and starts to realise that he probably shouldn’t be blabbing like this. Even if Allana did stop his brain from being fried.

The place that Allana doesn’t want to tell is about it is a kelp farm in Monterey Bay, run by those Marine-mammal Moreaus.

GM: If anybody finds out that they’re here they’d be in trouble - it’s a marine sanctuary.
Allana: Yeah - for Marine Mammals.
GM: Good point!

Apparently Allana is a frequent visitor.

Hero Shrew: How does she cope with the buoyancy issues?

It’s a good point - Allana’s build is rather pneumatic. And most of the marine Moreaus are naturally streamlined, although their head of security, one Cecilia (a seal-Moreau, naturally) is more curvy than usual. And, bizarrely, is apparently interested in Scooter.

Flux: That’ll stop the moment she finds out how he smells when wet.

One of the Moreaus in the bay is a giant turtle.

GM: If he ever goes to Loch Ness then he’s guaranteed a job playing the monster.
Player: Isn’t Nessie already a thing in this universe?
GM: Good point. Then he’s guaranteed a mate.

[Duke Bushido]

I wish to ask for a bit of tolerance up front:  While I generally try to put in as little set-up as possible (believing that if it was really noteworthy, it shouldn't need much help), but this time there will be some set-up.  Forgive me, please.

 

I had my youth group game today, though it didn't look like I would be doing much of anything ever again.  I spent the bulk of Friday in the ER and was eventually stabilized and admitted for observation.  Enough on that.

 

I have a ceremony for calling the game to order.  It started as a joke way back in the 70s, back when Bullwinkle would still pop-up in re-runs.  It also started as a joke: the group (game was D&D) had been left in an intentional cliff-hanger as the majority of us were looking at finals, cram sessions, etc, and we figured at least four weeks before we got back to the game.  Not only was it a cliffhanger, but the PCs were in far worse shape than I had anticipated them to be, in spite of copious fudging to keep them from being slaughtered.  

 

The day came that we re-convened.  Before I developed my genuine old man voice, I was a fair mimic-- not great, but fair.  However, I could _nail_ the narrator from Bullwinkle (and a few others).  The chit-chat and catching up was slowing down, and I decided to call the game to order with a bit of humor, considering as how we were all in great spirits and about to dive into a dire situation.  I broke out the Narrator voice and launched into a quote I remember from _childhood_, and don't know why:

 

"When we left our story last time, things were in _terrible_ shape!  Some of the nation's smartest geniuses were being turned into _complete_ idiots!  It was all the result of a mean little man from a _mean_ little country--"

 

[Boris voice]: Go on, say de name!"

 

[Narrator]: Boris  Badenuf.  In desperation the government sent for Bullwinkle J. Moose

 

I went on a bit further, while they were taking their seats, and trailed off while the came to order.

 

Eventually, this went on to become a recurring gag, particularly when they were taking too long to settle themselves or if, when we left our story last time, things really _were_ in terrible shape.  Over the next decade, it became first a tradition, then an inescapable ceremony.

Adults appreciate ceremony and group culture, no matter how odd it is:  "Hey, that's our thing!  It's what we do!"

 

Kids....   well, you know how those pre- and early teen years were: everything was awful; everything is uncool and corny (or whatever they call it now.  Is "corny" still a thing?)  About the third time I did it with the youth group, they began to groan and complain, and every week there's one or two "not this again!"  and "why do you have to do this?!"  nothing really malicious; they're just intent on letting their peers now that they are too cool to accept this crackpot ceremony. (and it doesn't matter that I can't do the voices anymore; they've never even heard of the characters. )

 

 

Flash forward forty years.  I am in a hospital bed, awaiting transfer to an observation room, with a doctor telling me "Well, Mr. Oliver, you're not dead, but we have no idea why not.  You've been stable for the last two hours, but we'd like to keep you under observation for the next 24 hours."

Well, Doc; that won't work.  My spine is busted up bad, and I have had about all of this bed it can handle.

"Can you give us twelve hours?"

[wife]: He will give you twelve hours.

[me]: Apparently I'm going to, either way.

 

skip ahead a few more hours.  My wife has called my bi-weekly group to tell them there will be no Friday night game; she has called the Youth Ministries director to let the kids know there will be no Youth Game Sunday.  (though we did have one, thanks to the miracle that left me alive).  Some hours later, I am wheeled into an observation room.  In the observation room are four of my youth group players, with a card.  I'm awake enough to appreciate this by now, and I grin and make happy noises and tell them Mr. Duke is going to be fine in a few days.

 

Well, _good_, says Colleen (Kinetica's player).

Yeah, says Everette (Magnus's player)

Yeah, Mr. Duke, I'm glad!  says Eric (Red Cloak's player).  Because when we left our story last time, things were in _terrible_ shape!

Yeah, says Everette.  Some of the nation's smartest geniuses ---

 

then all four, like they were reciting a poem-- were being turned into _complete_ idiots!  It was all the result of a mean little man---

 

 

and so on.

 

 

I'm fifty nine years old, and despite what I've thought for several decades now, I'm not done crying.

 

 

That's my quote of the week from my gaming group, and quite possibly the best one I've ever had, posted or otherwise.  I apologize for the lengthy set-up.

 

 

 

Duke

 

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder : The Mummy's Mask : Where's Hypatia When You Need Her?
Heading downriver to the Osirion equivalent of Alexandria, Tephu, so Nemat can hit the Great Library. It’s one of three cities in the estuary, but Tephu made its fortune from papyrus. Also like Alexandria, they search any visiting ships for books and scrolls they don’t already have. And we have a Handy Haversack filled to the brim with books they don’t have. Although Nemat’s diary is going to be difficult to copy, given a third of it is written with the Hidden Page spell, a third can only be read by the light of fire beetles, and it’s all written in three different dead languages.

Asrian: We look for a ferry that won’t sink halfway.
GM: So you avoid Crazy Hassan’s floating camels then ‘Very good amphibious camels!’

GM: One of the farmers has noticed his son/armhand, is asleep on the job, and is trying to shake them awake. It’s not working.
Zenobia OoC: We’ve barely left town and already someone’s dead.
Nemat: *conjures water to drop on the boy’s head*
GM: It doesn’t wake him up.
Nemat: That’s not good.
GM: And then the farmer starts falling asleep. And some of the livestock. And Zenobia.
Nemat: And that really not good. Hey! You! Stay awake!
Zenobia: *yawning toothily* Wake me up when we get to the capital *passes out*

GM: There’s definitely something casting magic on the boat, but you can’t see it.
Nemat: Damn - we can’t attack something we can’t see. Oh, wait. *casts See The Invisible*
GM: What the EFF is THAT?!

It’s some kind of nightmarish animated dream creature. Zenobia gets shaken awake, but is still very groggy.

Zenobia OoC: Apparently I’m not a morning person.
Asrian OoC: Well, we did get a lot of exercise last night.

Animated Dream Monster: You know, this isn’t working out, I’m going to go eat somebody else inst-
Nemat OoC: Except it’s not it’s turn yet.
GM: I know, that’s just what goes through it’s head before you cut it off.

The Book Inspector can barely contain his glee at the haul of books the party has brought down from Wati. Nemat is certainly going to be a welcome visiting scholar while we look up any information of the Sky Pharaoh and the Forgotten Pharaoh.

Nemat rents us a luxury suite of rooms on the outskirts of Tephu.

Zenobia: I wonder who they think will be using the double bed. I guessing that Asrian and I won’t be their first guess.

Nemat: I will nip in the bud any plan that might get me banned from the Library.

Hemeda the Librarian: Ah, yes, the Covenant of Wati - the list of books you brought down is MOST impressive. How many the Library be of assistance to your research?
Nemat: We wish to learn what we can of the Pharaoh Hakotep the First.
Hemeda: … I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of this Pharaoh.
Asrian: He’s also known as the Forgotten Pharaoh.
Nemat: We have his mask here - but be careful with it, it contains his ka.
Hemeda: I’d ask WHY you have the mask of an unknown pharaoh, but… Well. Since your donation to the catalogue is so extensive, I’ll waive the first week of fees.

The library also waive the fees of anybody seriously injured exploring The Stacks.

Nemat: At least they have a slight idea about public safety.

Although one of the scrolls we find stored up near roof level claims that the Sky Pharaoh and the Forgotten Pharaoh are the same person, which contradicts other records. Catalogue notes indicates there are related scrolls held in the library’s Inner Sanctum. We will need permission from Deka An-Keret, governor of the city, before we’ll be permitted in there. And for some reason they’re refusing requests from the library for a meeting.

Nemat: I have an idea. Let’s find the local temple of Callistria.
Asrian: We need to return that dead woman’s belongings for one thing.
Nemat: And the priests putting in a good word for us will help.

Alternatively we can get some help from one of the Ruby Prince’s favourite concubines, who is in town at the moment, and may be willing to apply some political pressure. And by a happy coincidence, she’s at the temple of Callistria today. She’s a woman of enormous appetites and passions.

Muminofrah: Oh Darlings, darlings, come in to my sanctum! You’re such wonderful specimens - so beautiful!

Muminofrah: Information on the Masked Pharoah? Well, at least he isn’t coming back from the dead and trying to take over! *chuckles with amusement*
Asrian: Yeah, about that…
Muminofrah: … I SEE. Well, I’ll definitely see about getting you permission. Come, sit with me.
Zenobia: *tenses up*
Nemat: Ah, Zenobia, I need your help - we have some shopping to do. Inks, scrolls, that sort of thing.
Zenobia: *after she’s been reluctantly dragged away* Was she hitting on my girlfriend???
Nemat: Yes.

Zenobia is going to be pretty miserable all week, because Muminofrah is going to be demanding repeat visits from Asrian, as well as services from the rest of us, in return for getting us a few day’s access to the inner library. Asrian isn’t happy about it either, but we can’t afford to offend somebody with that much political clout, who is also a devotee of the goddess of revenge.

Inside the Spiral Sanctum, the doors of which are looked behind us.

Zenobia: I assume that they give us formal warnings about open flames in here.
GM: Yes. Magical light sources only.
Zenobia: What sort of engraved curses do they have for arsonists?
Nemat: The Revenge of Nemat.
GM: And the archive has its own guardians.

As well as the Guardian in question, who has a long list of people who have broken the rules in the past, there’s another researcher in here. A hooded woman, who claims she’s seeking the legendary Uraeus ring. Nemat knows what that is, since it’s the symbol of his own god, as well a symbol of rulership. She warns us about the Invisible Stalker guarding part of the library, and goes on her way.

Zenobia: She seems nice.
Nemat: She’s also not telling the whole story. Mind you, neither were we.

The central pit of the inner library is an OSHA violation waiting to happen. And the scrolls we’re looking for aren’t where they’re supposed to be. Either stolen, or mis-shelved. Happily, it’s the latter. Apparently the Sky Pharaoh believed his country was going to be attacked by enemies that lived in the clouds, and got his defence in first, using magic belonging to an even older empire that actually had flying cities. Unfortunately, most of the details we need are fragmentary, although there’s an interesting list of his major courtiers. And a recorded confession, with more details of what happened to the Pharaoh after his death, as well as evidence that Djeret the Second, the Pharaoh’s successor, tried to bury the fact that Nethysian cultists were somehow involved in the whole debacle. Oh dear. The current governor is Nethysian.

Asrian OoC: It’s actually DJ Eret, and he was a great spinner.

No explanation of why the Sky Pharoah/Forgotten Pharaoh had his official name changed though.

And then we’re attacked by the OTHER Invisible Stalker.

Nemat: ****! I can’t do that! Not down here! … I was going to cast Blistering Invective and set it on fire.

Happily, Asrian knows the spell Glitterdust, and Nemat’s and Asrian’s critical hits keep chaining up.

Guardian: WHAT IN THE NINE HELLS IS GOING ON DOWN HERE.
Nemat: An invisible stalker attacked us.
Guardian: INVISIBLE STALKER????
Nemat: Yes, the other woman warned us about one of them, but-
Guardian: WHAT OTHER WOMAN? YOU ARE THE ONLY ONES WITH PERMISSION TO BE HERE.
All: …. Well then.

Apparently we need further permissions to ANOTHER locked archive here - the Dark Depository. And no doubt the Governor knows about our inquiries now…

[Drhoz]

Wrath and Glory - Demo Game
Playing one of the Wrath and Glory 40K RPG demo games. Spoilers ahead

Sister Abigail Casserina - Sister-Hospitaller
Brother Andar - Imperial Fists Space Marine
Brother Zeriel Balor - Blood Angel Space Marine
Adept Rotus Ilus - Tech-priest
An Moet-Chandon - Inquisitorial Acolyte

Introducing the characters

GM: I’ll start with somebody who still technically human.

Brother Zeriel: I was told I needed more practise interacting with humans.
An Moet-Chandon OoC: And the Imperial Fist is sitting in the other corner of the Chapterhouse building pillow forts.

Going to a hospital to collect a team-member, injured in a previous mission. And, of course, keeping our eyes open for any signs of heresy, thoughtcrime, or impiety. Suddenly, Zombies! In hospital smocks.

An Moet-Chandon: Backsliders!

Not long after, we’re putting the last zombies down, as well as any civilians that managed to get themselves bitten. No doubt their faith was insufficient.

An Moet-Chandon: May the Emperor forgive your failings, for I cannot! *BLAM*

Adept Ilus locks the building down and starts looking through the pict-records for anybody that may have snuck out the side exits, and where the poxwalkers originated. Brother Andar heads down to supervise the the purging of the Mortuary when we find out. Moet-Chandon orders the hospital security to assemble everybody in the foyer for questioning.

Brother Zerial Balor: It’s not difficult - gather them here, or we burn the hospital to the ground. This hospital is clearly tainted.

Brother Zerial Balor: Given I’m going room to room…
Expectant Parents: What shall we name our child?
Zerial: *Kicks in door, waves chainsaw* No daemons? Right, everybody to the foyer.
Expectant Parents: *gawps* How about Dante? Or Sanguinius?
Tech-Adept Ilus: How about ‘Induced Labour?’

Brother Andar heads downstairs to purge the source of the zombies - the mortuary. Purging involves servitors with multi-meltas, who incinerate everything in the mortuary, then each other.

Moet-Chandon: Those of you who are strong in your faith are blessed this day - Him on Terra has sent his Angels of Death, and his Sisters of Battle, His Sons and Daughters, to protect the deserving. Unlike those moral failures *points to the burning pile of zombies*. But one of you has been WEAK.

One head medic, from the ward for Exotic Diseases, is absent. Nobody has seen him all day, despite him telling them he was going to a meeting. Currently, the Exotic Disease of most interest is Abycus Syndrome, where the victims babble a string of apparently random numbers. Konig’s notes reveal it may be spread by psychic infection, or direct ingestion. It apparently only affect people who are already unconscious or comatose from other injuries or disease. As if his absence wasn’t suspicious enough, Konig didn’t report the nature of the syndrome to higher authorities, but kept all the patients here for further study.

Moet-Chandon: *growls* A questioning mind betrays a treacherous soul.

GM: It is disturbing to see your friend in this state - mindless chanting a string of random integers.
Moet-Chandon: The Inquisition can’t afford to have friends!

Magos-Biologis: Even in Chaos patterns will emerge
Moet-Chandon: DO NOT PURSUE THIS LINE OF INQUIRY
Magos-Biologis: The Omnissiah asks us all to explore the paths to knowledge … *notices Moet-Chandon reaching for the grip of her Inferno Pistol* but I understand it may be unwise to do so unsupervised.

Preparing Patient Zero, a comatose Astropath, so one of the Space Marines can eat his brain and figure out what the hell is going on from the ingested memories. The Astropath is the only person to have lived this long while infected with Abycus Syndrome. It’s lucky we plug him back into life support first, as we’ll see later. There’s also a real chance that Andar will be infected by the disease to, even with his superhuman biochemistry and psychic conditioning. This is a terrible idea.

Moet-Chandon: Brother Balor! If your fellow Astartes falters, it will be up to you to Euthanize him.
Brother Zeriel: Not difficult.

Konig: Who are you! Vat are you doing in my vard!
Moet-Chandon: Medic Konig. You life is measured in minutes if you do not answer my questions, fully.
Konig: Get out of my hospital!
Brother Andar: *lifts Konig by the throat* Cease your prattling, lest I perform the Ritual of Omniphagea on you.
Konig: On whose authority!
Moet-Chandon: On the authority of the God-Emperor’s Holy Inquisition.
Konig: Oh for F***ing Spaceballs.
Moet-Chandon: I give you one last chance to answer my question. It is possible you are merely a fool. It seems likely you are a heretic. You told your colleagues you were going to a meeting. We have already interrogated them. You did not. Where, in truth, did you go?
Konig: You can’t do this!
GM: If you shoot him in the brain you won’t be able to get the information for one thing.
Moet-Chandon: *sighs, and shifts her aim to his heart* Brother Andar, you may eat his brain to retrieve the evidence we need.
Konig: Well, you can all BOW BEFORE THE DARK GODS.

He knocks us all to the ground with a telepathic attack and flees.

Magos-Biologis: Query - What JUsT HappenED+++
Moet-Chandon: You Medic-Primaris bartered his soul to daemons, and damned himself for power.
Magos-Biologis: Ah. He was a cultist. Hypothesis - Dedicated to Nurgle?
Moet-Chandon: *eyes the tech-priest suspiciously* You are just asking for in-depth interrogation, later.

It’s about this point that Adept Ilus notices what the auto-quill on the life support is actually printing out. The numbers are the Epsilon-level passcode for the city’s food silos. The only thing keeping the astropath alive were his desperate attempts to warn the authorities, by broadcasting the number via every comatose patient in the hospital. Admittedly, it did spread the Syndrome to all of the other patients, and doomed them to resurrection as zombies when they expired, but it’s the thought that counts.

So, why would the Astropath even know the silo security codes? Because Konig was planning to infect the planet’s food supply with the disease. Oh dear. Some vox-calls confirm that Konig just slaughtered his way into the building. Brother Andar goes for the straightforward response, and calls down an orbital strike on the planet’s food reserves. Which does vaporise the contaminated food and the zombies Konig hurriedly raised, but doesn’t kill Konig, who crawls out of the burning rubble and cloud of toast-smell, somewhat irate. Violence ensues, as well as opportunity for an ongoing campaign.

[archer]

With fiends like these, who needs enemas?