Jump to content
Darren Watts

Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

Recommended Posts

Assassin: Watch out! They're spellcasters! Split up or you'll get hit. Screw it, if you bunch up I'll shoot  you myself!

(minutes later five members of the party are caught in a single spell)

Assassin: Remember? When I said don't bunch up and then I ran a half-mile down that hallway? Remember that? And you guys just stood over there?

Cleric: The room's not big enough to split up!

Druid, only other character not hit by the spell: Don't look at me, I got it right this time.

 

Sorceror: So we made one ally and, like, ninety enemies. We should re-think our methods.

 

(regarding NPC mind flayer we had been traveling with and just parted company from- )

Male Player: He was good in a fight but I -hated- making camp when he was around.

Female Player: He wasn't that bad.

Male Player: He kept looking at me like I was a cheeseburger!

Female Player: Now you know what it's like, hmm?

 

"Next time we get to a town with a magic shop, I need to get a new Horn of Blasting. My old one broke."

(Every time a Horn of Blasting is used, 20% chance it explodes and destroys itself. The PC in question nearly died when "it broke".)

 

(regarding whether to help save an Evil Empire or let it dissolve into chaos)

Lawful Good Cleric: Where there is law, there can be justice. It would be easier to redeem the Empire than to build one anew.

Super Edgy Hot Topic Goth Fallen Angel Aasimar: Hell naw! Death to the Monarchy! Anarchy in the UK!

Barbarian: Never mind the bollocks!

 

Sorceror: Whatever. Fireballs don't go stale. *rolls damage on fourth fireball of the session*

 

Arcane Knight: *has been making every attack roll and failing every saving throw all session* Well, it's better than the alternative I guess.

 

Barbarian: I'mma chop his face off. *rolls a brutal critical, does 32 damage*

Barbarian: Face-chopping for the win!

Cleric: *rolls to hit, does six damage* Well, it's no face-chop, but it's honest work.

 

(the arcane knight warforged is known as FIv3, pronounced "Five", but it's an acronym of Fortified Infantry version 3)

(Five starts screwing up in the middle of a battle against high-level monsters)

Gnome Assassin: Fortified Michael Infantry the Third, you knock that off right now!

*whole room dies laughing. warforged has new nickname*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This week's session played over Roll20.

 

<On finding out that local law requires cutting off a thief's hand for a first offense>

Assassin-subclass Rogue: Oh man I'm sure glad that I'm just a professional killer and not a pickpocket.

 

The eldritch knight can't show his face in town, but his shield was recently broken. For reasons that defy all sense, the cleric and druid have decided that this shield -must- be repaired, not replaced. They polymorph the eldritch knight into a rat, keep him in a bag, and go to the armorer. They work out all the details for payment, materials, delivery, they come up with alibis and needlessly complicated stories of how it came to be broken in the first place.

Shopkeep: Okay, so where's the shield.

Druid and Cleric: stare dumb at each other.

DM: was it on the Knight when you polymorphed him?

Cleric: ... yes.

DM: So now it's part of him until he reverts to his own shape?

Druid: ... Yes.

Shopkeep: So... the shield?

Cleric: Ah, we, uh, forgot it. We've got to run real quick, we'll bring it right back to you.

 

DM: Okay, so you're looking for the beggar's dog. We're gonna take this quick and easy, just a couple of up-down investigation rolls. Give me all the results and we'll see how you do.

Druid: Okay, so I bombed it. But, uh, I can use the probability warp of my clockwork pendant to change my roll to a ten, so... ten?

Sorceror: I rolled a one. But, I have advantage because of this magic item, so .. a twenty.

DM: Uh-huh. One more for each of you, you're getting close.

Druid: A one. I'm spending inspiration to re-roll. And... a nineteen.

DM: Double-You-Tee-Eff with these rolls.

Sorceror: I know, right? Okay, that's a nineteen.

DM: Roll again for your advantage, you may get a crit after all.

Sorceror: Nope, it's a one.

DM: Hmm. One more investigation roll. Either of you.

Sorceror: That's a two, and... a four. Screw it, I'm spending the sorcery points to succeed automatically.

DM: Fine. Okay. Let me describe what you see. First, have any of you seen the movie CATS?

<Full round of horrified screeching and protests from all the players>

 

No specific quote for this one, but the cleric blew out most of his good spell levels curing a homeless roughneck going through drug withdrawals and severe malnutrition. Asks the down-and-out-er how he came to be this way, NPC reveals that he used to be an acolyte of the evil god that is opposed to the cleric's god. Lots of pointed glaring at the DM over that.

 

<Evil cultists barge into inn room, looking for good-aligned priest.>

Warlock: What? Who? No, I'm... uh... Carrie. <gives name of prominent local family that is known by every resident of the family>

other player: Good trope: when someone is just AGGRESSIVELY bad at lying.

Druid: Oh, yeah, we'd love to help you find those good-aligned priests. Hey, Carrie, why don't you help these guys get some tea?

Warlock: ..

Druid: -Carrie-, go get them some tea.

Warlock: ...

Druid: -ahem-, -Carrie!-

Warlock: Oh, me?

other player: AGGRESSIVELY BAD AT LYING

<good-aligned priest in the next room over tries to escape through the window, rolls a hilariously bad stealth check>

DM: That's a loud crashing noise.

<Simultaneously> Warlock: I throw myself down the stairs to cover up the noise. Sorceror: I cast minor illusion of a crash to cover up the noise.

DM: So, let's look at this. The cultists have heard a loud crashing coming from this direction, this direction, and over here, all at the same time.

Player: SO BAD AT LYING

Cultists go to investigate the noises. Sorceror, Warlock and Druid all roll Deception checks. Druid rolls high af, convinces cultist that that busted window frame was always there. Sorceror rolls high af and convinces that cultist that he's a wild mage and always wakes up with a sound of thunder. Warlock rolls hilariously poorly, tells cultist she had never seen stairs before.

Player: I'm dying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
There’s a giant shining pyramid hovering 500ft over Wati.

Onka: Oh good, it’s in range of an Anti-Magic field.
Zenobia: What I want to know is where he was hiding that - I can’t think of anywhere on this plane where he could have hidden a giant golden pyramid and no-one would have stumbled across it in the last few thousand years.
Onka: Space?
Zenobia: I’m pretty sure the astrologers would have noticed a giant golden pyramid floating past.
Onka: Floating in an invisibility field?
Zenobia: OK, that would do it.

Onka: We would have had more downtime if we’d just walked back across the desert. Now we have to deal with this s***.

Zenobia: Why would he bring it here, anyway? Wati is not that important. He can’t have brought it here just to get revenge on us, since he has no idea who we are. Why not go to the new capitol, or the old one?
Onka: We do still have his mask.
Zenobia: Then he should have flown the pyramid out into the desert, where we were until 50 seconds ago. Maybe he wants to find out what happened to his necromantic fountain.

The pyramid is casting a shadow, both literal and spiritual, over the city. It’s also inscribed with a sigil, not of the Forgotten Pharaoh, but of one of his generals, one Isatemkhebet.

Onka: Does it have a giant death laser?
GM: Of course.
Nemat: If this is just his general does that mean he has more than one of these things?

Onka: One strategically placed Anti-magic field and it’ll fall out of the sky. Admittedly onto the city.
GM: Oh please, it’s Shory Magitech, it won’t be that easy.
Peanut Gallery: Cast Greater Darkness over it and cut off its solar power supply.

Isatemkhebet: City of Wati! Cast aside Weapon and Tool, Armor and Cloth, for you cower before Isatemkhebet, General of the Sky Pharoah! Witness the power of the Five Pointed Sun! *Giant laser beam fires from the top of the pyramid, blasting a 200-foot wide crater in the city* The Sky Pharoah has one demand! Bring onto us the Covenant of Wati! You have one week to comply, or your city shall be destroyed!
Onka: Well, piss. Just as well we’re at the temple of Sarenrae - they’re less likely to rat us out. Everybody inside.
GM: Why are you assuming half the city will want to hand you over?
Onka: Human nature.
Asrian: We DID end the undead scourge - we’re heroes.

Zenobia: The general is also assuming we don’t just hand ourselves in to protect the town.

We receive a Sending from Ptenemib, a gentlemen we rescued from the cult weeks ago.

Ptenemib: There’s a giant floating pyramid over Wati and it’s demanding we hand your party over or it will destroy the town!
Zenobia: *taps Ptenemib on the shoulder*
Ptenemib: EEP!
Asrian: We’re aware.

Zenobia: I take it the writer wasn’t expecting the party to teleport straight back to town.

Ptenemib rushes us off to a safehouse before anybody recognises us. There are also undead harpies flying around, so flying up to the pyramid early and sabotaging stuff won’t be easy.

Peanut Gallery: And the harpies aren’t being shot down by anybody with a bow, why?
Onka: Giant death laser.

The Desecrate effect of the pyramid’s shadow is a problem, too. Using Control Weather to make it overcast so there’s no shadow probably won’t help. At least the Consecrations on the many temples in town should hold. A lot of people are fleeing town, but the harpies aren’t harassing them - but they ARE checking that none of them are the party members.

Zenobia: We need to tell your family you’re alive. Hmm. But then they’ll be worried about you being handed over to the pyramid.
Onka: ‘Hi mum and dad, I’m alive, this is my girlfriend, we’re going into the death pyramid, I love you, bye.”

At least we have a week to buy scrolls of Fly, and anything else that might be useful for sabotaging the pyramid. And we DO have that map to a possible Anti-Shory weapon, that we found in Chessisek’s tomb. Can we retrieve it within a week?

Zenobia OoC: We can always use one of those magical feathers and send the general a message saying ‘We heard you’re looking for us, we’re in the capitol’ and make it somebody else’s problem.

Asrian doesn’t see the point of the spell Switch Souls, which enables the caster to swap souls with their familiar - especially since bards don’t get familiars. And the bodies are just as vulnerable as the animal was originally.

Zenobia OoC: Clearly the spell was invented by a pervert druid.
GM: Pervert wizard. At the suggestion of pervert druid.
Peanut Gallery: Pervert druids invented Wild Shape.

So, time to cast Speak With Dead on the spirit of that dead architect we recovered. Onka has been keeping his sarcophagus shrunk and in his pocket.

Onka: Time to interrogate the tiny dead guy.

Onka wears the Pharaoh's Mask, just in case, before casting the spell.

Chessisek: Who dares wake the dead? You are not the Pharaoh Hakotep. You wear his Ka, but you are not him.
Onka: Where is the Anti-Shory Weapon?
Chessisek: Weapon? They called it a weapon? HAha ha ha ha. Tis not a weapon. Tis an apocalypse. You wished to know the whereabouts of Hakotep’s tomb?
Onka: That wasn’t an answer.
Peanut Gallery: Yes it was.
Onka: Oh dear.
Chessisek: You seek the *chokes trying to pronounce the jargon and language*
Onka: Do you need a drink, what do the dead drink anyway?
Chessisek: My apologies, my throat is a bit dry. I AM a corpse.

Chessisek is quite boastful about all the effort he put into launching the Sky Pharaoh’s tomb into space, promptly followed by the flying pyramids of all his generals, and how elaborate the mechanisms were that launched them all, and can call them back, and how it’s warded against Divination and Observation.

Peanut Gallery: But not warded against Greater Teleportation.
All: ....

Chessisek: Trenchs? Trenches! The Khepsutanem is much more than ditches and mounds of earth. Hundreds of obelisks, each containing a bound elemental spirit, adorn the paths of the Khepsutanem. Among these stand 11 great monuments,each infused with the spirit of a particularly powerful elemental. These 11 monuments are the Sekrepheres, and they must be activated in the proper order between the hours of dawn and noon on a single day to focus their energies upon the Sun Disk plaza, which can in turn call down Hakotep’s tomb.
Zenobia: Does this actually help us with the pyramid flying over Wati?
Onka: Eventually.
Peanut Gallery: The general has one flying pyramid, so you steal his bosses even bigger one.

Onka: Can we just turn the gain up on the launchpad and push Hakotep’s Tomb out into the Outer Planes and let the Great Old Ones deal with him?

It looks like dealing with the launchpad is going to take well over a week. It seems like we’ll have to deal with the one here ourselves. And using Anti-magic or Disjunction to cancel its levitation would crush most of the town.

Zenobia: My future in-laws live here!

Of course we can always teleport to a larger city to avoid being recognised, and have a wider range of stuff to buy, before we teleport back. Avoids the harpies too.

Onka purchases a permanent timeless demiplane. This is going to be quite useful for his crafting of items, and popping into, casting all his buffs, and back out to rejoin the fight. And if Zenobia learns Plane Shift we can use it as in instant hospital. Although we all get hit with the ageing when we come out again, so Onka is going to be going through a bunch of birthdays in rapid succession.

GM: … I just let a PC have access to the Hyperbolic Time Chamber

We return to Wati, kitted out the wazoo, do some telescopic surveillance on the pyramid to spot any entrance points, and fly up, invisible, with featherfall potions and magic parasols ready, at high noon. Happily, undead harpies can’t see invisible things. Unfortunately one of the ones guarding the door turns at an inopportune moment and its wing brushes Zenobia. Battle commences! And the harpies variously shatter or drop their weapons. Asrian, as usual, goes through them like a Tomahawk missile through soft butter.

The entrance chamber has a incomplete mural proclaiming that ‘those who gave the gift of uncompromised service to the sky pharaoh are known to him and blessed with BLANK’. And the room is lined to the ceiling with magical traps. Happily we’re smart enough to figure out where the disabling mechanism is, and discover that the BLANK is ‘Death’. Although you do have to wonder why you’d set it up with traps that do double damage to your own minions.

Nemat also deciphers later warning inscriptions too.

Nemat OoC: I’m finally accepting that I’m an archeologist who is exceptionally good at thumping people.
Zenobia OoC: *quietly sings the Indiana Jones theme*

Happily we can still fly over most of the traps, and Nemat also has Tomb Sight. With that, Detect Magic, and Detect Undead, we can avoid nearly everything. Especially once Nemat realises that a lot of the directions inscribed on the walls are deliberately misleading. It also seems that the general might be a woman, despite the voice broadcast over Wati. We sabotage various defences as we go.

Nemat: At least I have a good copy of the fake map to put in the Chronicles. Especially now I know what you get paid for chronicles - highest challenge rating x 100.
Zenobia: A good reason to publish in installments.

Things get weird when one corridor apparently leads into open air. At night. And we’re apparently high over the clouds. But of course Nemat has an orrery and a cosmogram and other astrological instruments in one of his bags of holding, and starts comparing the stars to what they should be. They’re thousands of years out of date. Of course the Pharaoh has his own planetarium.

Onka: Wow, everything in this pyramid really is ‘Me Me Me’ isn’t it?
Nemat: Onka, you HAVE been in pyramids before.

Peanut Gallery: So how thick do you want the doors to be, to stop the PCs using magic to look through everything?
Nemat OoC: No no no, just coat them in gold - a little Dutch filigree and we’re f***ed

GM: The floor turns Ethereal and you fall 10ft.
All: No we don’t.
GM: Godammit, the writers assume you fly up to the pyramid, but half these traps assume you’re walking around when you get there!

The Black Pudding in the pit trap is certainly ravenous, so it’s probably just as well we’re still bobbing around like helium balloons.

Zenobia OoC: Anything we need to know about Black Puddings?
Peanut Gallery: Depends on how well you can pass a Knowledge Check.
Nemat OoC: No no, I am an Inquisitor, I am the God of ‘Wot Dat?’

Nemat casts Dispel Magic on the floor and turns it solid again.

GM: The Black Pudding has been magically sustained for thousands of years, starving, and you just showed yourself as food and then sealed it away again.
Nemat: I’ll try to feel sorry for the mindless blob. But honestly, there are fungi smarter than these things.
Zenobia OoC: Do Not Taunt The Happy Fun Blob.

One of the next rooms looks like some kind of light puzzle, but the room reeks of necromantic magic. We debate resealing the door and pressing on.

Zenobia: There’s no GOOD reason why the room would be full of necromantic energy.

We seal the door and press on.

GM: Adventurers generally investigate this sort of thing.
Nemat: We’re archeologists. Well-armed archeologists, but still.
Onka: We may be the owners of this pyramid soon, stop breaking our stuff.

We find a statue of Hakotep, too. It tries to curse us, and we loot it for the Immovable Rods holding it off the ground.

Zenobia: So this is the face we’re punching later?
Nemat: Maybe. But especially if he starts looking like this again, because then we have to punch him hard and fast.

The statue falls to the floor with a noise and impact no doubt audible throughout the entire pyramid.

Nemat: Well, that IS what’s coming - DOOM.

Another reason to punch the Sky Pharoah in the snoot - a gallery of what are probably real people, turned to stone, and then had their faces ‘corrected’ with the spell Stoneshape. Restoring any of them is going to take some high-end spells. We do find a Rod of Splendor, which among other things can create a magnificent tent pavilion that can house 100 people.

Zenobia to Asrian: Well, I know what we’re doing for our wedding… of course I have to get permission from your parents first. I don’t recommend asking mine.
Onka: If we can even find them.

The next fight is brutal, despite the fact we dealt with the same kind of creatures earlier. Asrian and Nemat both lose fingers, and need emergency Healing from Zenobia to survive. In fact, it was only Onka’s Revenant Armour spell on the partie’s stuff, Zenobia’s Stone Shape, catching the last harpy in a big stone fist, that ensures the party survives at all.

Zenobia: So now we get out swords and knives out, find the gaps between the big stone fingers, and poke poke poke.
Asrian: Make a hole.
Onka: We have that Adamantium auger too. Drill a hole.
Asrian: Why stop drilling?

Onka OoC: XP probably won’t be relevant until we get out of the pyramid. Assuming we get out alive. Which we will because Overland Flight is awesome

We’d still like to take the flying pyramid intact, of course - there’s so much interesting stuff to loot. Such as the tomb of Isatemkhebet, currently occupied by someone inclined to monologue. She certainly doesn’t have the distinctly male voice that threatened the town earlier.

Isatemkhebet: Finally, you have arrived, Covenant of Wati. It would be an honor to add your forms to my gallery, as I did with the Sekpatras so long ago... Your meddling in Hakotep's affairs is over! Kor-Ahn-Tuk, Charge the leader!
Nemat: At least she got our name right.

Unfortunately she has a pet Gorgon. Fortunately, Nemat is already partly stone.

Nemat OoC: *deep inhale* Alreaady stoooooned, maaan.

Hilariously, Isatemkhebet is also the only one that succumbs to the harpy’s song. Unfortunately she's undead so it has no effect.

Isatemkhebet: Not me, you fool!

After we destroy her minions, she tries to take cover inside a sarcophagus. Which is unfortunate for her.

Nemat: As much as I’d like to make an undead feel fear for the first time in centuries, as I slowly chip away through the stone between it and me… Zenobia? Open the way.
Zenobia: *casts Shape Stone*
GM: The lid of the sarcophagus melts away. The general looks rather shocked.
Nemat: B****, we’re the Covenant of Wati.
Zenobia: I could have opened a small hole and started pouring in holy water - I’ve got 25 flasks in the haversack.

Unfortunately she’s a load-bearing boss - when we kill her the pyramid starts falling out of the sky. We scatter to try and find the control room before it crushes half of the town. Just as well we still have Overland Flight running - some of us aren’t very fast on the ground. It’s also very fortunate that Nemat is basically a Combat Archeologist, and can accurately guess where the control room should be. Happily the mechanism seems straightforward enough, and we redirect the fall to somewhere outside town, while we use Onka’s pre-prepared Teleport to get us all the hell out of there before it hits. We watch it plow a giant divot into the onion fields, Nemat wincing as he watches all that invaluable archeology get smashed to pieces.

Onka: It’s ok, we know Make Whole.
Asrian: Yes, just look at the hole we made in the onion fields.

Nemat is even more annoyed by the fact that by the time he can come back to investigate the wreckage properly, it’ll have been looted, and relics and fake relics scattered across half the continent. Onka has his own plan.

Onka: ‘Dear Royal Highness, I apologise for the pyramid illegally parked outside Wati, I’ll be back to deal with it someday. Signed Onka’
Nemat: Oh f*** off, you already have a private dimension, you’re not getting a flying pyramid too.

GM: You have dealt a dire blow to the evil that was Ancient Osirion! *plays Imperial March*
Nemat: Fair call. Humanocentric empire.
Asrian: And they had a Death Star.

GM: And somewhere else one of twelve lights on a magical display blinks out, and a mummified fist slams down on the arm of a throne.
Nemat OoC: Sounds to me like we have 11 more chances to get our own flying pyramid.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Champions : Return to Edge City : The City-Planning Conspiracy
I missed a session, where the rest of the team responded to a fire in a former maker space, turned data-storage, got into a fight with three Furies who had set the fire apparently because they objected to the Feng Shui of having a non-creative business in that location on the city map, and found clues about further mystical alignment conspiracies, and figured there is probably more of the same to come.

Flux: And I got punted through a window. Or rather a wall.
Hero Shrew OoC: And where was your team brick when you needed him?

GM: Huh - of the twelve business council members, only seven are Caucasian - I didn’t intend that.
Allana: It’s the most unrealistic thing in the setting.

Hero Shrew: Centurion isn’t on the business council, is he?
GM: No. He doesn’t actually have a presence in Edge City.
Hero Shrew: Ah, I was probably misled by the way Gareth keeps muttering about him.

GM provides us with the handles of those Sanity Liberation Front members we encountered the other week.

GM: “TURT-L", "UP-LINE", "C47CH-22", "5463", "6L00M", "FLÛK", "FURY", "H0UND", "CRYP70N1C", "PR4NK573R", "5W4N"
Hero Shrew: … what? How the hell do you pronounce 5463?
Hardlight: Sage.
Hero Shrew: Of course YOU’D know.

Hero Shrew: Do we need to tweak the Crime Computer algorithm to flag possible Feng Shui crimes?

Probably not practical, especially since if we really want to get serious about fighting Feng Shui crimes we’d have to move our own base. And since the school of mysticism doesn’t really use an idea of opposites, we can’t really paint a target around the bigger offenders. Fireflash suggests we consult an expert - and hope that they aren’t actually behind the city planning conspiracy.

Hardlight: Maybe we should go looking for the Mysterious Oriental Shop?
Flux: How much do you like living in this reality? Stay away from Mysterious Shops.

Do we know any experts? No, but we know some supervillains. But Green Dragon is a complete d*** so probably not.

Hardlight OoC: Somebody needs to take Knowledge : Feng Shui.
Hero Shrew OoC: Bags not me.
Hero Shrew: So the best we could get them with is ‘Conspiracy to Commit Arson’
Flux: But then I’d have to get a mystic expert to testify in court.
GM: On the magical side of things you only have to prove that they BELIEVE it works.
Allana: People have done all sorts of stupid stuff in the name of retarded ideas.
Hero Shrew OoC: The difference is that in a superhero setting, sometimes the retarded ideas actually work.

Hardlight: … no, too stupid.
Hero Shrew: *head swivels towards Hardlight, privately thinking ‘Gareth thinks something is TOO STUPID???’* No no, Gareth, tell us what you think.

Fireflash suggests that we lure them out by having Lowelltech build something completely inappropriate for the Feng Shui map, in the worst place possible. Flux continues his research, seeing if there’s a preponderance of Feng Shui-type crimes over the last 15 years, since S-Day. Fireflash looks for any oddities in zoning approval. Together they dig out a very suspicious pattern of burst water mains, and other convenient disasters, including a bizarrely localized rat infestation, that have strengthened the City Planning Conspiracy. They prepare a map.

Allana: All you can see are the pins - all the strings are in AR.
Fireflash: I’d have done it all in virtual reality myself.
Allana: He switched to AR after he started having trouble getting around the room.

The number of likely crimes dropped for a while 16 years ago, then spiked after the death of two early Edge City supers, Harrier and Hawkmoth, and it seems likely they were investigating the conspiracy at the time, based on sightings of the two at the time, and throwdowns with local gangs, and activity by the supervillian-for-hire Bulldozer. The crimes dropped back to a only occasional after that - perhaps the conspiracy only needed minor tweaks to stay on track.

Hero Shrew: Well of COURSE you’d hire Bulldozer if you wanted some buildings knocked down.

It’s not sure if Harrier and Hawkmoth were actually murdered by the City Planning Conspiracy, since they were murdered in their secret identities. While they were in bed. Together.

Hardlight: Why would they be sharing a bed if they were in their secret iden- oh.
GM: Humanity First sent out a very specific message - they did not kill them because they were gay. They were certainly happy to take credit for the kill, but they have nothing against same-sex relationships. Which points them at odds with some of their supporters, true.

Either way, it’s evidence that the conspiracy has been around for at least 5 years before S-Day.

Allana gets a call from her contact, the Silver Avenger.

Silver Avenger: Why is your team asking about Harrier and Hawkmoth?

Silver Avenger: Are you telling me that you’re investigating what got them killed 15 years ago? Because I’m telling you there’s NO way Humanity First figured out their secret identities back then.

Hero Shrew: With all these real estate crimes is this just Scooby-Do writ large? Do we need to pull the face off the monster to see who it really is?
Flux: Generally a bad idea Scooter. Usually what’s underneath is somebody’s skull.
Allana: But if you get a chance to pull the face off the actual Monster, feel free - there’s money riding on whatever is under the mask. My bet is some kind of ghost robot.

Allana: What we need is a psyker - we sit in a cafe near Humanity First’s offices and scan through their brains until we get the info we need.
Hero Shrew OoC: What’s Zero doing these days? If we get him on his day off he’ll be happy to commit a crime.
GM: Ah yes, the super with the flaw ‘Sense of Ethics (only in Super Identity)’. He was HAPPY to abuse his telepathy to get stock tips, but it took him FIVE YEARS to just yank the info he needed out of some thug.
Flux OoC: Supers are weird.
Hero Shrew’s player: Nope, MY CHARACTERS are weird.

Hardlight: I still don’t trust that mechanical owl.
Allana: It’s just a clockwork exoskeleton for a hamster.

There’s also a chronological sequence in the crimes, working clockwise around the Feng Shui map. That might narrow down the next target - somewhere near the Laguna Complex megamall. All the industrial, freight, and warehouse districts down there would make for a complex Feng Shui pattern, but it does it easier for Lowelltech to set up a big juicy target. Assuming the capacitor bank for the nearest windfarm isn’t a big enough target, given it has nothing to do with travel or helpful people which would me more appropriate for the area on mystical grounds.

Regarding a rabbit Moreau -

Hero Shrew: How does she maintain a blood supply to those ears?
Hardlight: *eyes drawn to another part of her anatomy* THAT’s your question? Not ‘How sore is her back?’

A subsequent bovine example is even more eye-catching.

GM: Her poor back.
Hero Shrew: And some genetic engineer was actually responsible for that.

There’s been progress on the Moreau personhood movement, too - partly due to speciesism backfiring.

GM: Some senator objected to granting the Moreaus personhood on the grounds that ‘we don’t know anything about them!’. So Doctor Silverback volunteered to lead an investigation team. The best biologist this side of the law, almost a Moreau himself, and recognised as a person under the Individual Emancipation Act.
Hero Shrew: Let me guess, the senator got all stroppy?
GM: The senator got told to sit down and shut up. By his own party. “Congratulations, you just helped expedite the process.”

Doctor Silverback has already determined that some Moraeus are templates, and others are deliberately designed constructs. With the canines showing a much higher number of deliberate designs than other species. One even has a hero shrew spine to help with his speedster abilities. Of course one human journalist tracks down a construct Moreau and asks him what it feels to know he was made.

Allana: ‘At least my designer was competent’?
Max: I would already be dead by now. Most dogs don't live longer than fifteen years. No real friends or family. No hands. No music. No language. No peanut-butter and chocolate. No CHOCOLATE! No COFFEE!
Allana: Good answer.

Scooter and Allana, and every Steiner that gets tested, is a construct. Although it seems Dr. Steiner overlaid the construct elements over a pre-existing template.

Allana: Made his own modifications to an off-the-shelf model.
GM: Maybe.

And apparently the Genex company has been investigating Laron Syndrome dwarfism to make a race of future spacers.

The speciesists seize on the difference between templates and constructs, because of course they do. ‘You don’t DESIGN people!’.

Senator: Templates might be one thing, they’re practically ordinary animals, but Constructs are clearly MADE!
Allana: So were you - at least I was made by somebody with actual qualifications.

Of course a certain group of ‘wolf-Moreaus’ are refusing testing. The fixer fox ‘Judas’ Mackie that was secretly spying for Genesys is a construct too, as is everyone else with that biochemical dependance on the drugs that kept them leashed to their creators.

Hero Shrew: For some reason I’m more annoyed about being denied personhood because I’m a Construct, than because I’m a Moraeu.

What’s worse is that the difference between template and construct is starting to take root in the Moreau community.

Hardlight: Oh joy, intra-Moreau racism, wonderful.

Even if Constructs aren’t people, what about their kids? Like the son of Judas Mackie, fox construct, and Tinker Kate, fox template?

GM: And Kate’s got some signs of psychic ability.
Hero Shrew: What, in a template?
GM: Yes, psychic abilities aren’t a construct element.
Hero Shrew: Huh.
GM: And it’s not like they were testing for psychic abilities either - but she’s a technopath and was messing with the equipment.

Hero Shrew: At some point we’re going to have to figure out which Moreaus are genetically compatible.
GM: Current consensus is there’s a fun way to find out.
Hardlight: Are you going to volunteer to find out, Scooter?
Hero Shrew: *nod vigorously*
GM: But only if Sally is involved. She’s a template incidentally. As well as a psyker.

And then there’s a third option - Greenhouse Tara is a Mutate - her plant abilities aren’t a template ability, but a novel mutation.

GM: A lot of the rat-Moreaus are refusing testing too.
Allana: They don’t want anybody to find out they’re a hivemind.
Flux: Or that they’re were-rats. You can’t tell me that any creature like that wouldn’t rush to Edge City and the Zoo.
Allana: ‘We have travelled here from the Blasted Hellscapes’ ‘Ah, New Jersey’.

The ECPD has made it abundantly clear that the police presence at the testing facility is for security only - they aren’t going to arrest anybody even if they have warrants out on them. The secret marine community don’t want to come forward either, understandably. That way they don’t have to explain where they came from. Although the Newfoundland-canine does want to know why the hell her breed had webbed toes even before they were Moreaus. The testing of Sandra Polis, a Moreau with the EPCD, might reveal where the hell Genesys got viable Thylacine DNA from.

Hero Shrew: So, how many perps wet themselves whenever Sandra yawns?

One of the Greys from the tunnels under the city does show up, when the building is otherwise mysteriously clear, to ask a few questions and express the Grey communities concerns about whatever the DNA testing might reveal. Are they actually what they believe themselves to be - Moreaus with powerful mental abilities? Allana goes to ask Dr Silverback for a private consultation, and he IS highly regarded by the Moreaus.

Doctor Silverback: Is there something unusual about your anonymous friend?
Allana: …. Welllllllll. If I’d met them on the street I’d never have guessed they were Moreaus.
Doctor Silverback: Intriguing. They appear human?
Allana: … Maybe you should meet them.
Doctor Silverback: AH! Um. I see what you mean. Moreaus?
Allana: They smell like Moreaus to me.
Grey: And we came from the same lab.
Doctor Silverback: Hmm. I was under the impression Genesys only worked from animal templates. *tests* This is puzzling. You have template markers, but I’m only finding human DNA. In fact… oh dear. Human, templated over human. And you say your people all have psychic abilities?

It seems whoever created the Grey template was deliberately reinforcing certain human traits, perhaps pursuing the theory that psychic potential is an inevitable and natural part of humanity’s future.

Doctor Silverback: And you believe the Moreau community will accept the ‘Grays’?
Allana: Welllll … of the Moreaus that have met them, 100% like them.
GM: A bigger question is what the human community will think. ‘This is probably what you’re going to turn into in a few thousand generations.’

And certain groups are going to what the Greys dead even more than they want to exterminate the animal-Moreaus.

Hardlight: We need to spin this… we need to ring The Rep.
Allana: Isn’t The Rep like Hardlight, a Horrible Hole in reality?
Hardlight: Excuse me, I’m a “moth on the fabric of space time”, not a gaping hole, make the distinction!

The Rep promptly starts spinning, framing every aspect of the Grey’s life including the various addictions they have to try and suppress their constant telepathic abilities, in a positive light.

The Rep: You’re like Little Orphan Annie and ALF rolled into one, without the annoying cackle! You’ve got the big forehead and the big eyes, what does that say to you - babies! Just let me get you on screen! As long as you keep me off - wish I’d learned that lesson myself a few years back, amirite?
Flux: He’s a sleaze but he’s our sleaze.

He even models the ad campaign after the Orphan Children In Africa ads, taking advantage of their child-like stature, pot-bellies, and wrinkled skin. He’s that much of a sleazeball, despite being a basically good man.

Lots of the names that the Moreaus’ chose for themselves are based on their professions.

Hero Shrew: So Collar Colin would be just as appropriate in the police force as a sex club.

Of course none of us noticed that Veronica Auberge & Elizabeth "Beth" Tonnelier were Veronica Lodge and Betty Cooper.

At least there aren’t any genetic surprises like terminator genes in Moreau DNA, although there is an increased sensitivity to the long-term fertility suppressing drugs there were given.

Flux: At least Moreau birth control pills will be cheap.

Hero Shrew DOES want to go ask Harrier and Hawkmoth’s associates a few questions, but their secret identities are still legally protected. So it’s back to nightly patrols while we wait for our harassment of Humanity First to pay off. It’s probably not a good sign that Hardlight suddenly feels completely exhausted, to the point of passing out, mid-patrol.

Hardlight: I had too much of a long night last night… *sways on his feet*... I just need to sit down for a bit.
Flux: *after a quick medical check* Huh. You should be fine.
GM: And that’s when the shadow looms over you.
Hardlight: *looks up at the huge ogre with a giant sword* I really hope you’re friendly because I’m not in any state to deal with you right now if you aren’t.
Ogre: YOU ARE THE ONES KNOWN AS QUADRANT.
Flux: Two out of five aren’t bad.
Ogre: YOU FOUGHT THE FURIES.
Flux: Yessss?
Ogre: TELL ME WHO HIRED THEM.
Hardlight: I don’t think I was there for that fight. Flux?
Flux: I was against letting them go, but got outvoted.
Ogre: DO NOT LIE TO ME INSIGNIFICANT WORM! YOU WOULD NOT HAVE LET THEM GO IF THEY HAD NOT REVEALED THEIR EMPLOYER!
Hardlight: OK fine, it was a superhero named Centurion.
Flux: I’m pretty sure your code of ethics included ‘don’t be a dick’. Throwing another superhero under the bus counts.
Ogre: I AM Xiǎo Lǎbā AND YOU WILL TELL ME OR I WILL RIP OUT YOUR ENTRAILS THROUGH YOUR MOUTH AND READ THE TRUTH IN THEM!
Hardlight: OK, OK, do you have a Freeweb device? I’ll Airdrop you our recording of the fight.
Xiǎo Lǎbā: … Webbing? Are you trying to confuse Xiǎo Lǎbā?
Flux: It was probably on the news, you can see us get punted through a wall.
Xiǎo Lǎbā: … they made a woodcut?

Xiǎo Lǎbā: YOU WOULD NOT HAVE LET THEM GO IF THEY DID NOT TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANTED TO KNOW.
Flux: Or we didn’t know they could teleport you giant dingus.
Xiǎo Lǎbā: YOUR MEWLING OFFENDS ME BUT NOT AS MUCH AS YOUR INCOMPETENCE.
Hero Shrew OoC: Well, he’s not alone there.
Flux: Look, just watch this magic lantern show and you’ll see our incompetence on display.
Xiǎo Lǎbā: HA THAT WOMAN KICKS HIM BETWEEN THE LEGS, I LIKE HER.

For some reason the Ogre keeps looking over his shoulder. Fireflash is inbound, at top speed, and overshoots the city.

Hero Shrew OoC: God knows how the UK copes with superheroes, given how busy their airspace is.
GM: They don’t have many supers.
Hero Shrew OoC: Just as well. Can you imagine how many would get sucked into jet engines?

Hardlight is quietly scanning the ogre with N-rays, infra-red, and sonar. He’s not getting any pings, on any sensors.

Flux: That’s awesome armour - where did you get it?
Xiǎo Lǎbā: IN HONOURABLE BATTLE!

Allana arrives. Xiǎo Lǎbā is immune to her two charms.

Allana: The Furies were working for somebody that wants to set up the city as a Bagwa map.
Xiǎo Lǎbā: THERE’S ANOTHER? I, UH, MEAN *coughs in clumsy attempt at concealing the facts*
Allana: Yes.
Xiǎo Lǎbā: *apparently forgetting he was here to get information, not give it* BUT IT WAS SO CLUMSILY DONE! THE DESTRUCTION SOURED THE QI IN THE AREA! DAMN THE MEWLING INCOMPETENCE OF MORTALS!

Allana: We want to know as well - were they the only ones they hired? Were there other crimes?
Xiǎo Lǎbā: BLAST IT ALL!

Fireflash arrives:

Xiǎo Lǎbā: BAH, LIGHT! YOU WERE THE ONE I WISHED TO MEET THE LEAST! SO... REPUGNANT!
Fireflash: ...Lovely. Who’s Mister Charming?
Flux OoC: Do any of us have any social skills?
GM: Only the one still trying to get here.
Hero Shrew OoC: Yep :)

Flux: We are standing around on a street corner here. Do you want some coffee?
Xiǎo Lǎbā: … I must decline your kind offer.
Flux: Oh? Any reason?
Xiǎo Lǎbā: … I MUST DECLINE YOUR KIND OFFER.

Xiǎo Lǎbā: WHICH WOULD YOUR CITY SEND AGAINST ME!
Flux: Well, the police for a start.
Xiǎo Lǎbā: *suddenly looking worried* Police? Duly bonded forces of the law? Empowered by the magistrates?
Flux: Well, we’re empowered by the courts too.
GM: Now he looks alarmed.
Xiǎo Lǎbā: Please tell me if I have contravened any of your laws!
Fireflash: Well you might have to have that sword in a sheath.
Xiǎo Lǎbā: Surely you are jesting.

For some reason this ogre is really uncomfortable around Fireflash, does not want to accept any gifts from us, and is very keen on not actually breaking any laws. At least if he’s not brandishing the sword, he’s not violating weapon statutes. And if he gets some of the silver he’s carrying into local currency he can’t be arrested on vagrancy charges either.

Fireflash: Well, we’ll get your silver assayed. Shouldn’t take long.

Accomodation at the Collar Club IS a possibility, but he’d be paying by the hour. As he follows us to the hotel, he apparently forgets himself and walks right through a telegraph pole.

Flux: In this city we respect the laws of physics.
Allana: THE F*** WE DO.
GM: Hands up everybody who’s violating causality right now.

Hardlight: You’re clearly not of this world.
Xiǎo Lǎbā: I AM MORE OF THIS WORLD THAN YOU ARE!
Fireflash: That might actually be true.

He has trouble with the colours of traffic lights too, which is odd, since he can criticise fashion choices freely. Flux is getting a better idea on what this guy actually is. He’s a Chinese Infernal, a being of pure negative Qi.

Hardlight: Siri? Give me everything you have on the Celestial Bureaucracy.

He’s probably get a better answer asking Centurion’s personal AI, but like that would ever happen. Hero Shrew eventually reaches the area, doubles back after the party, and is visible coming down the street with a big grin, until he sees that there isn’t a fight happening and slows to a disappointed crawl.

Flux: Probably hoping one will start before he gets here.

Hardlight: I was just surprised my irrational fear of unnatural darkness wasn’t triggered.
GM: It wasn’t unnatural - it was a ten-foot-tall ogre with a great big sword looming over you.
Hero Shrew OoC: Which is an entirely rational thing to be afraid of.

But on the way to the Zoo, we have to go through Chinatown.

GM: Well THAT’S going to be fun - you see a whole of people take one look at who you are with and go inside in a hurry.

The only person that doesn’t get out of the way is Tabytha, the tiger-Moreau that won the martial arts contest.

Tabytha: Why are you with THAT?

Tabytha: You don’t know what he is, do you?
Hero Shrew: Well I was hoping it would be somebody I could fight, but apparently not.
Tabytha: … Why AREN’T you fighting?
Xiǎo Lǎbā: *looks uncomfortable, shuffling his feet*
Fireflash: He didn’t start anything.
Hero Shrew: By the time I got there they’d already offered him coffee.
Tabytha: *starting to grin* You’re not allowed to fight anybody unless they fight you first, aren’t you?

He also has to follow the local laws, especially since we have court-appointed powers, and he can’t directly lie.

Tabytha: *sigh* Well, as long as he’s only staying in the Zoo temporarily. I’ll show you a back way through Chinatown so you don’t stir up too much trouble.
Hero Shrew: Well, I’M happy to follow her through town *leers*
Flux: *sigh* Congratulations on the tournament win by the way.
Tabytha: Whatever. The money didn’t go very far.
Flux: It never does.

At least we can find out which City Planning Crimes aren’t being organised by his lot, hopefully, although he seems to be under some kind of geas not to tell us too much. And for some reason anybody in the Zoo that can speak Chinese is sniggering at the demon’s name, which means ‘Little Horn’. Which is admittedly more amusing than trying to explain credit finance to an elemental.

Hero Shrew: You’re from China, aren’t you? Would you be interested in some junk bonds?
Allana: Every member of Quadrant but me is now banned from speaking.

Well, at least we know there’s TWO groups trying to mess with the Feng Shui of Edge City.

Hardlight: How do you even hire mercenaries anyway?
Hero Shrew: Craigslist.

Whatever is going on, we need to find out who hired the Furies. Difficult, since they operate out of Greece.

GM: Whatever happens you’ll need a licence to transport livestock.
Hero Shrew: Hey!
Flux: Well you should shower more.
Hero Shrew: *mutters* so should Allana, you know what I could get for a shower video?

Or we could wait until they show up somewhere in the world and go after them. Or even better, hire them to go somewhere we could ambush them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...