Jokes

[Cancer]

That's too much of a restatement of reality to be funny. 

[Pariah]

Sounds kinda Freudian to me.

 

Of course, that's the problem with Freud. If it isn't one thing, it's your mother. 

[Cancer]

Unless it's The Graduate, in which case it's someone else's mother.  Or something.

[Old Man]

[Pariah]

Last night, I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

[Bazza]

 

Last night, I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

 

#Me^2 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Physics final exam question: A 5 gram fig falls from the tree. Calculate the force with it hits the ground to the nearest fig-newton.

[Cancer]

Assume you keep your fig-newtons in the pantry when that nearest one is called for.

[Pariah]

When she told me that I was only average, she was just being mean.

[Cancer]

What you really wanted was the deviance anyway.

[Pariah]

Sounds like a fairly standard reply.

[Cancer]

I assume you got a kurtosis answer when you asked a skewed question.

[mattingly]

She was a real co median.

[Ragitsu]

Q: What does a paladin eat for breakfast?

 

A: Oathmeal.

[Bazza]

Why is language manly? All the letters get sent through the mail. 

[death tribble]

Your karate is a joke

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

[Pariah]

Where's the "groan" button...?

[Pariah]

The other day I was talking to my wife about an article. It claimed that men used about 10,000 words each day on average, while women used about 20,000 words a day.

 

She said, "That's because we always have to say everything twice, because you knuckleheads are never listening the first time."

 

To which I said, "What?"

[Cancer]

And guys, if you are being picked on, this is something I either stole or made up about the time I got married:

 

When a man and a woman start sharing living quarters, a new game begins.

 

The woman wins the game when her clothes occupy all the closet space.

 

The man has no victory conditions.

[Pariah]

True that.

[Sociotard]

Over here, David Brin had a flash fiction contest, to say what happens next to the Tesla Roadster launched past Mars. This was my favorite entry:

 

"But Elon, I don't understand why you put your car on the rocket and sent it to Mars? We could have put a scientific payload that would have given some valuable data but each time someone offered one you refused. Why?"

"David, it was a question of honor. Back in 1999 I was at Jeff Bezos house and we were having a few drinks and some great weed. Well you know how it goes. We started bragging about what we were going to do to make our mark on the World. After a couple of hours I said that I was going to build a big f***ing rocket, put my car on top and send it to Mars. We both were pretty wasted you see so we made a bet. I just fulfilled my side of the bet."

"Elon, what was Jeff Bezos' side of the bet then? What does he have to do now?"

"Why David, after I said I was going to build the big f***ing rocket and send my car to Mars, he said he would do one better. He would build a bigger f***ing rocket, send it to Mars, get my car, bring it back and park it in my driveway."

[Pariah]

One day at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted a man who had arrived, curiously enough, with a briefcase.

 

"Welcome to Heaven," Peter said. Then, less certainly, "Umm, what is that you have with you?"

 

The man smiled widely. "I've done it, Saint Peter! I've really done it!"

 

"What have you done, my son?"

 

"Well," the man said, "they always say, 'You can't take it with you.' Well, I've done it. I figured out how to do it, and here it is!"

 

"Interesting," Peter said dubiously. "May I see what you have there?"

 

"Of course!" the man declared.  He opened the briefcase, to reveal that it was full of gold.

 

"Okay," Peter said, "that's interesting. But why have you brought pavement?"

[Pariah]

Light travels much faster than sound. This is why some people appear to be intelligent--until they speak.

[Pariah]

An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boiler man and he found himself in Hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable.

 

When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling.

 

“You like this?” Satan asked.

 

“Yes, sir,” said the sailor, “this feels like a spring day to me.”

 

Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit.  When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn’t even broken a sweat.

 

“I like this kind of weather,” he told Satan.

 

For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever.  By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor’s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever.

 

Satan was exasperated! “Why are YOU so happy?” he demanded from the sailor. “It’s FREEZING in here!”

 

“Well, I’m from Cleveland," said the sailor, “and evidently the Browns just won the Super Bowl!”