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A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is e

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice   My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.   What do you get when you cross the Atlantic wit

Even if they're really attractive, you should never ask a photographer to step into a dark room with you to see what develops. The answer is almost always negative.

 

(I know, it's a terrible pun--bad enough to make you shutter.)

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An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

Major:  "What's your problem, Soldier?"
Soldier #1:  "Chronic syphilis, Sir"
Major: "What treatment are you getting?"
Soldier #1: "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
Major: "What's your ambition?"
Soldier #1: "To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

 

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
Soldier #2: "Chronic piles, Sir"
Major:"What treatment are you getting?"
Soldier #2:  "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
Major:  "What's your ambition?"
Soldier #2:  "To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

 

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
Soldier #3:  "Chronic gum disease, Sir"
Major:  "What treatment are you getting?"
Soldier #3: "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
Major:  "What's your ambition?"
Soldier #3: "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."

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A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.

"Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.

"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."

"'What about the other ear and your hand?" the doctor asked.

She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."

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It should be noted that the average monkey is stronger, muscle mass for muscle mass, than the average human.

 

Although the solution to this mystery has eluded scientists, I think the answer is clear:

 

Monkeys are nuclear-powered.

 

The proof:

 

Potassium is radioactive.

 

Bananas contain potassium.

 

Therefore, I move that monkeys be included in the list of the world's nuclear powers.

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