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A conspiracy theorist died and found himself at the pearly gates. Saint Peter welcomed him to Heaven and said, "You may ask me any one question from your Earth life, and I will answer it honestly."

 

The conspiracy theorist immediately asked, "Was George W. Bush responsible for 9/11?"

 

Saint Peter replied, "No, he was not. The 2001 terror attacks were planned by Al-Qaeda and orchestrated by Osama bin Laden.  No Americans were involved.  There were no explosives in the World Trade Center towers, and there were no missiles launched at the Pentagon.  The United States government was not involved in the attacks in any way, shape, or form.  Neither George W. Bush nor any other American leader knew anything about the attacks before they happened."

 

The conspiracy theorist stood and stared in amazement.  "Wow," he said to himself, "this goes even higher than I thought!"

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My friend told me he bought two old supercomputers.

 

I told him he was Cray-Cray

Currently sitting at the front desk at Cray Inc.  It's always a bit surreal for me when I run across references to Cray while at work.

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Heh. My first postdoc was supposed to be porting a model atmosphere code to the NCSA Cray Y-MP, optimizing it, and then grind it for all the time we had.

 

Turns out the formalism underlying the code was flawed, so we had to abandon that....

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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

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