Pariah Posted May 25, 2017 Report Share Posted May 25, 2017 What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador. BoloOfEarth, mattingly and wcw43921 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 25, 2017 Report Share Posted May 25, 2017 Three traveling salesmen were driving down a country road one day when their car broke down. They walked a few miles to a local farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer opened the door and said, "What is this, some kind of a joke?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 2, 2017 Report Share Posted June 2, 2017 It says here that 2 out of 10 people are dyslexic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted June 2, 2017 Report Share Posted June 2, 2017 It says here that 2 out of 10 people are dyslexic. Shouldn't that be 10 out of 2 people? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 5, 2017 Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 "As your doctor, I have to tell you that all of your health problems are due to the fact that you're horribly overweight." "I want a second opinion!" "You also have terrible personal hygiene." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted June 5, 2017 Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 "You also have terrible personal hygiene." "But that's not affecting my health, Right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 8, 2017 Report Share Posted June 8, 2017 Q: What currency do Colonial Viper pilots use to pay for their coffee? A: Star bucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted June 16, 2017 Report Share Posted June 16, 2017 Two ditch diggers (Joe and Fred) are at work, digging away in the hot sun and grousing about the work. "Hey," says Joe. "Why is it the supervisor is just standing up there, not doing anything, while we're doing all the work?" Fred shrugs. "I dunno. I'll go ask him." So he climbs out of the ditch, walks up to the supervisor, and asks him, "How come you're just standing there while we're doing all the work?"The supervisor smiles and says, "Intelligence." Fred looks confused. "What do you mean by that?" The supervisor holds his hand directly in front of a nearby fence post. "I'll show you. I want you to punch my hand, as hard as you can." And as soon as Fred takes a swing, the supervisor pulls his hand away, causing Fred to punch the fence post, hurting his hand. The supervisor chuckles and says, "Intelligence. I have it; you don't" So Fred climbs back down into the ditch. Joe asks him, "What did he say? Why is he up there, and we're down here?" "Intelligence," says Fred. "What do you mean by that?" asks Joe. "I'll show you." And Fred puts his hand directly in front of his own face. "I want you to punch my hand, as hard as you can..." tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted June 17, 2017 Report Share Posted June 17, 2017 ... After Joe punches Fred's lights out, Joe says, "If that's intelligence, I'm glad I don't have any." tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 21, 2017 Report Share Posted June 21, 2017 Q: Why did the old lady fall into the well? A: Because she couldn't see that well. Lucius, mattingly and wcw43921 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 21, 2017 Report Share Posted June 21, 2017 Never ask a baker what he does for a crust. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted June 21, 2017 Report Share Posted June 21, 2017 I called a woman a wet hole in the ground, but... I meant well. Q: Why did the old lady fall into the well? A: Because she couldn't see that well. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted June 23, 2017 Report Share Posted June 23, 2017 If you had a semicolon, would you have problems with your digestive system? wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 1, 2017 Report Share Posted July 1, 2017 Autocorrect can go straight to He'll. BoloOfEarth and tkdguy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 6, 2017 Report Share Posted July 6, 2017 Q: What does Titanic have in common with The Sixth Sense? A: Icy dead people. wcw43921 and aylwin13 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 14, 2017 Report Share Posted July 14, 2017 Q: What do you call a smug, self-important criminal walking down a flight of stairs? A: A condescending con descending. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 14, 2017 Report Share Posted July 14, 2017 What do you call a Greek parachutist? Con descending. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 17, 2017 Report Share Posted July 17, 2017 I heard about a band called 999MB. They're still waiting for their first gig. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 29, 2017 Report Share Posted July 29, 2017 Q: How do we know that rednecks invented the toothbrush? A: Otherwise, it would have been called the teethbrush. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted July 31, 2017 Report Share Posted July 31, 2017 Was the 9th Legion destroyed by native tribesmen in Scotland ? Picts ! Or it didn't happen ! Pariah, tkdguy and TheDarkness 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 1, 2017 Report Share Posted August 1, 2017 Q: Why do fire stations always have Dalmatians? A: That's how they find the fire hydrants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tech priest support Posted August 2, 2017 Report Share Posted August 2, 2017 A Polish farmer is ploughing his field when he hits an obstruction in the soil - a dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it to clean it off, and a genie appears in a puff of smoke. "Thank goodness you found my lamp I was getting bored," says the Genie. "I will grant you any three wishes you desire." The farmer thinks and thinks and finally says: "I want the Mongols to invade Poland... and then go home." The genie looks confused, but he shrugs, and snaps his fingers, and the Mongols invade. They rampage through the country, looting and pillaging... and then they go home. "OK," says the genie, "that was your first wish. What else do you want?" "I want the Mongols to invade Poland again... and then go home." The genie sighs. "Fine, it's your wish, I guess." He snaps his fingers again, and the Mongols return. They set the farmhouse on fire, and steal the chickens, and then they go home. "And what is your final wish?" asks the genie. "I want the Mongols to invade Poland again, and then go home," says the farmer without hesitation. So the Mongols invade once again, and steal everything that isn't nailed down. They steal the farmer's old wife, and his plough, and rough him up a bit, and then they leave. As they are both standing in the smoking, ransacked ruins of the farmhouse, the genie says: "OK, I have to know. What the hell was that about? You could have wished for anything in the whole world, and you had the Mongols invade your own country three times, and totally destroy it. Why?!" The farmer looks very pleased with himself. "Well, you see, in order to invade us three times and go home, they had to go through Russia six times!" . Pariah, sinanju and Cancer 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted August 3, 2017 Report Share Posted August 3, 2017 A human took his alien friend to a pub.When they got there they saw an open coffin and people drinking and dancing.The alien asked "What is this?"the human replied "It's a wake."The alien responded "No, I believe it's dead" wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tech priest support Posted August 4, 2017 Report Share Posted August 4, 2017 How many inquisitors does it take to change a failed lumen globe? Change is heresy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 6, 2017 Report Share Posted August 6, 2017 Q: How does a cow feel after chasing a car for five miles? A: Utterly exhausted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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