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I got this from a poster to YouTube named Ann van de Kew:

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My father was doing some plowing one day, when I came running up and said: "Dad, there's a man at the door asking us who we will vote for and will we donate money." "That's okay" said my father. "Now you go back and find out what political party he is. If he's a republican, lock up the chicken house, cause he'll want to steal some chickens. If he's a democrat, lock up the moonshine, cause he'll tax it. And if he's Trump, sit between your mother's legs until I get there."

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A couple from the city is at a Pick-Your-Own berry farm, gathering berries and having a discussion about the differences between city and rural life.

The husband says "I tell you, the people out here are just different.  Weird even."

The wife replies "No, people are just people no matter where they are."

As they talk, one of the owners of the farm is driving by with a tractor loaded with manure.

The husband whispers to her, "Oh yeah, watch this."

He calls out to the farmer "Hey, what are you planning to do with that load of manure?"

The farmer replies "I'm going to put it on my strawberries."

As the farmer drives off, the husband turns to his wife and says "See! See!  We put sugar and cream on ours!"

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16 hours ago, Bazza said:

When God said "go fourth and multily", he meant math jokes. 

 

Because of your typo, I first read that as "go forth and mutilate".  Don't know what that says about me, since "mutilate" looks nothing like "multily".

 

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A guy called his girlfriend because he needed help with his laundry. He said, "I want to wash this shirt, but I'm not sure what to do." 

 

His girlfriend said, "It depends on what it looks like and what it says on the shirt." 

 

He said, "The shirt is red and it says University of Nebraska."

 

She said, "Wash it in hot water with 5 cups of bleach."

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