Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 4, 2020 Report Share Posted March 4, 2020 Dentist: “This is going to hurt a little." Patient: “Ok.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.” Duke Bushido and death tribble 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 4, 2020 Report Share Posted March 4, 2020 A police officer pulls over a man who's going almost double the speed limit. After checking the license and registration, he tells the driver, "I'm feeling generous today. If you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, I'll let you off with just a warning." The man in the car says, "Two years ago, my ex-wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to bring her back." "Have a nice day, sir." death tribble, wcw43921 and slikmar 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 14, 2020 Report Share Posted March 14, 2020 You know what makes me throw up? A dartboard on a ceiling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 16, 2020 Report Share Posted March 16, 2020 *A truck carrying Worcestershire sauce crashes* Deputy: What's the situation? Sheriff: It's hard to say. Duke Bushido and wcw43921 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlord Posted March 17, 2020 Report Share Posted March 17, 2020 What if, due to coronavirus, they close all the grocery stores? We'll all have to hunt for our food. I don't even know where Doritos live.... Duke Bushido 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlord Posted March 17, 2020 Report Share Posted March 17, 2020 So I just stopped at Walmart. Honestly, it was shocking - they had no toilet paper at all. Reluctantly, I headed for the customer service and asked if they had any. A firm NO and a look of disgust was the answer. Walking back to the toilets with my pants around my ankles was a walk I never want to do again.... Lee, death tribble, Logan D. Hurricanes and 3 others 2 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 18, 2020 Report Share Posted March 18, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 27, 2020 Report Share Posted March 27, 2020 I finally saw a reasonable explanation for why people are hoarding toilet paper. A lot of people have come to the realization that they have to eat their own cooking for the first time in years. wcw43921, Cancer and slikmar 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 28, 2020 Report Share Posted March 28, 2020 Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed? Everybody. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duke Bushido Posted March 28, 2020 Report Share Posted March 28, 2020 Emperor Kang, death tribble and Pariah 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted March 28, 2020 Report Share Posted March 28, 2020 On 3/27/2020 at 11:32 AM, Pariah said: I finally saw a reasonable explanation for why people are hoarding toilet paper. A lot of people have come to the realization that they have to eat their own cooking for the first time in years. I think it's because the coronavirus has scared the s**t out of people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 29, 2020 Report Share Posted March 29, 2020 On 3/27/2020 at 11:32 AM, Pariah said: I finally saw a reasonable explanation for why people are hoarding toilet paper. A lot of people have come to the realization that they have to eat their own cooking for the first time in years. Food is our number one need. Toilet paper is our number two need. Cancer, Pariah, wcw43921 and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 3, 2020 Report Share Posted April 3, 2020 I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you’re really funny.” I said: “I thought it was because I’m good in bed.” She said: “See? You’re hilarious.” Pariah, Cybertooth and death tribble 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 15, 2020 Report Share Posted April 15, 2020 A guy sitting next to me on the train pulled out a picture of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife." "Why," the guy asked, "is she a stunner?" "No," I said, "she's an ophthalmologist." death tribble and tkdguy 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted April 16, 2020 Report Share Posted April 16, 2020 Say what you like about Autocorrect but i would rather face a Frying Squad than a Firing Squad. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh Neilson Posted April 16, 2020 Report Share Posted April 16, 2020 An IRS agent contacted a preacher to verify a parishioner’s church contributions and asked, “Did Mr. Smith give $6,000 to your church?” The father said, “He will, son. He will.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh Neilson Posted April 16, 2020 Report Share Posted April 16, 2020 A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.” Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.” Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’ The man protested, “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?” “No matter what you wear, you're gonna get screwed.” BoloOfEarth and Tjack 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted April 16, 2020 Report Share Posted April 16, 2020 A man named R.B. Jones kept receiving letters from the IRS demanding he supply his full name. His replies were always the same: his parents had named him simply with the initials "R.B." rather than actual first and middle names. On his last letter, to underscore this, he signed it "R (only) B (only) Jones." A week later, he received another letter from the IRS, this time addressed to Ronly Bonly Jones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted April 16, 2020 Report Share Posted April 16, 2020 In our customer database at one company, there was someone with the first name "Fasinfrank" (aka F as in Frank). Duke Bushido 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christougher Posted April 17, 2020 Report Share Posted April 17, 2020 True story: My father installed the military's first ever computerized personnel system. All went well and it went into actual use, and the developers received a call that it didn't work. Error checking code required at least four letters in combined first name and last name. The operators were trying to enter data for the soldier known only as "Au". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted April 17, 2020 Report Share Posted April 17, 2020 Yep. I used to work with a guy named Wu E. Because of system restrictions, he had to enter his last name as Ee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 18, 2020 Report Share Posted April 18, 2020 Technically speaking, you can eat up to 50% of a mermaid before you're considered a cannibal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted April 18, 2020 Report Share Posted April 18, 2020 On 4/16/2020 at 6:14 AM, death tribble said: Say what you like about Autocorrect but i would rather face a Frying Squad than a Firing Squad. Are you out of your mind? Boiling in oil is one of the most barbaric forms of punishment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 19, 2020 Report Share Posted April 19, 2020 19 hours ago, Pariah said: Technically speaking, you can eat up to 50% of a mermaid before you're considered a cannibal. Technically speaking, you can't. 😛 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 25, 2020 Report Share Posted April 25, 2020 Q: What is the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? A: One is Coronavirus, the other is a Verona Crisis. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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