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A police officer pulls over a man who's going almost double the speed limit. After checking the license and registration, he tells the driver, "I'm feeling generous today. If you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, I'll let you off with just a warning."

 

The man in the car says, "Two years ago, my ex-wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to bring her back."

 

"Have a nice day, sir."

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So I just stopped at Walmart.

 

Honestly, it was shocking - they had no toilet paper at all.  Reluctantly, I headed for the customer service and asked if they had any.  A firm NO and a look of disgust was the answer.

 

Walking back to the toilets with my pants around my ankles was a walk I never want to do again....

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On 3/27/2020 at 11:32 AM, Pariah said:

I finally saw a reasonable explanation for why people are hoarding toilet paper.

 

A lot of people have come to the realization that they have to eat their own cooking for the first time in years.

 

I think it's because the coronavirus has scared the s**t out of people.

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On 3/27/2020 at 11:32 AM, Pariah said:

I finally saw a reasonable explanation for why people are hoarding toilet paper.

A lot of people have come to the realization that they have to eat their own cooking for the first time in years.

 

Food is our number one need.

Toilet paper is our number two need.

 

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A guy sitting next to me on the train pulled out a picture of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

 

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife."

 

"Why," the guy asked, "is she a stunner?"

 

"No," I said, "she's an ophthalmologist."

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A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.”

 

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

 

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

 

“Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’

 

The man protested, “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

 

“No matter what you wear, you're gonna get screwed.”

 

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A man named R.B. Jones kept receiving letters from the IRS demanding he supply his full name.  His replies were always the same:  his parents had named him simply with the initials "R.B." rather than actual first and middle names. 

 

On his last letter, to underscore this, he signed it "R (only) B (only) Jones."

 

A week later, he received another letter from the IRS, this time addressed to Ronly Bonly Jones.

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True story:  My father installed the military's first ever computerized personnel system.  All went well and it went into actual use, and the developers received a call that it didn't work.

 

Error checking code required at least four letters in combined first name and last name.  The operators were trying to enter data for the soldier known only as "Au".

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On 4/16/2020 at 6:14 AM, death tribble said:

Say what you like about Autocorrect but i would rather face a Frying Squad than a Firing Squad.

 

Are you out of your mind?  Boiling in oil is one of the most barbaric forms of punishment. 

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19 hours ago, Pariah said:

Technically speaking, you can eat up to 50% of a mermaid before you're considered a cannibal. 

 

Technically speaking, you can't. 😛

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