Jokes

[BoloOfEarth]

On 8/14/2020 at 12:09 AM, archer said:

How do we know Adam and Eve were the luckiest couple in the world?

 

Neither one had a mother-in-law.

 

This isn't a joke as such, but a funny true story.

 

There's a town in Michigan named Hell.  Before I was born, my mom's parents used to live there.  My dad used to joke that he could tell his mother-in-law to go to Hell... and she would.

[archer]

I was very lucky to have a wonderful woman as my mother-in-law.

 

But before that, I'd been engaged to a girl whose mother lived down to every stereotype found in mother-in-law jokes. So I really dodged a bullet there.

[Pariah]

There was a girl I dated in college who, all other things being equal, I would never have married because her parents were psychotic.

[archer]

6 hours ago, Pariah said:

There was a girl I dated in college who, all other things being equal, I would never have married because her parents were psychotic.

By any chance was she very short and a redhead?

[Pariah]

29 minutes ago, archer said:

By any chance was she very short and a redhead?

 

5'8" and blonde. Sorry.

[Pariah]

My current mother-in-law is one of the sweetest people I know. I never met my father-in-law; he died in April the same year Lady P and I met on the 4th of July.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

 

“Whatever means necessary,” she replied. 

 

“No it doesn’t,” I said.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain."

 

The widow replies: “Thanks that means a great deal.”

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

80% of my couch fell on my foot today.

 

...ouch.

[Bazza]

There are two types of people in this world. Avoid both. 

[archer]

There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who know math and those who don’t.

[archer]

There are two kinds of people in the world, those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig. 

 

-Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

[archer]

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

 

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

 

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

 

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

 

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and one of them shouts, "Hell froze over! That means the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup!"

[archer]

What borders on stupidity?

 

Canada and Mexico.

[archer]

My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed.

 

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

[archer]

if I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on.

 

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

[archer]

A homeless man in Boston finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.

"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.

The genie shook his head.

"I can't fulfill that wish."

The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"

The genie grumpily said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"

[Molotov]

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.

[archer]

This last Friday there was a kidnapping at the local high school.

 

Took the teacher almost 15 minutes to wake him up.

[archer]

This year, we had to cancel our annual trip to Hawaii because of Covid-19.

 

Usually we do it because we can’t afford to go.

[mattingly]

Why couldn't the police catch the hacker?

 

Because he ransomware.

 

[archer]

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

 

She got really mad and said she’s never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Have you heard about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

 

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

[archer]

You know the difference between math and meth?

 

I'm no good at meth.

[archer]

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

 

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

 

He walks up to the farmer and asks, "Hey there, can you tell me what the next town is called so my wife and I can find it on our map?"

 

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." the farmer says.

 

The man walks back to the car and gets in.

 

"Well honey, where do we go?" his wife asks.

 

"I don't know," the man says, "he doesn't speak English."