Jokes

[dmjalund]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

 

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

 

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

 

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

 

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

 

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

 

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

 

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

 

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

 

The lawyer , puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

 

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

 

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some sleep.

 

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

 

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

[archer]

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar

 

The rabbit says, "I'm only here because of autocorrect."

[archer]

If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God...

 

... does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

[archer]

What did Donald Trump do when he heard the Vice President was thirsty?

 

He gave Pensacola.

[archer]

A new President takes his seat as the head of a large country.

 

He finds three envelopes on his desk, numbered 1 to 3, and a note.

 

"Dear successor,

On this desk you find 3 envelopes that will help you in times of a crisis. Open them only in the order they are numbered, and only when you face a crisis that you cannot manage. Best of luck"

 

He stores them in his safe and goes to work. But the economy isn't picking up, the country isn't doing too well and the people want an explanation. He decides it's time for the first envelope. He rips it open and reads:

"Blame your predecessor"

 

And he does. He steps up at the press conference and blames everything on the shortcomings and nearsightedness of his predecessor and how he just needs a bit more time to turn things around. Everyone is pleased and he remains president.

 

But after a while, the displeasure isn't waning and the country isn't doing any better. Another press conference is scheduled and he rips open the next envelope

"Call for reorganizations"

 

And he does. He presents a great reorganization project with no stone remaining unturned, this will surely improve productivity and move the country into the future. Everyone's so busy reorganizing that nobody can even notice how the country is running worse and worse, until there's really no way to cover it up anymore.

 

He reaches for the third and last envelope, hoping for the great reveal that will save him once and for all. He rips it open and reads

"Prepare 3 envelopes and a note"

[archer]

Stop telling me to wear a mask!

 

It's stressing me out so much that I can barely breathe and I'm getting a fever.

[archer]

Interesting years in literature:

 

1896 - H. G. Wells publishes his book: The Time Machine

 

1897 - H. G. Wells writes his book: The Time Machine

[archer]

After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England.

 

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

[archer]

Back in the day, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of chips.

 

But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere.

[Bazza]

41 minutes ago, archer said:

After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England.

 

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

 

This is just average. 

[archer]

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

 

Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

[archer]

Which Disney movie would Rick Astley not let you borrow from his collection?

 

He's never gonna give you Up.

[archer]

There are two types of countries in this world.....

 

Those that use the metric system, and those that have set foot on the moon.

[archer]

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo.

 

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

[archer]

Two fish are in a tank....

 

One turns to the other and asks, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[archer]

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

 

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there ages. Your legs look tired. How about I give those muscles a rub?”

 

I don’t think so, she says, "How about giving me my youthful looks back again.”

 

The little man shakes his head, "Sorry, I can't do that. But sit on that rock over there and I can work wonders on those calves.”

 

She declines. "How about making me slimmer, with some curves in the right places?"

 

"Sorry, no can do." he replies, "But how about a relaxing shoulder rub?"

 

“How about finding me a caring, thoughtful, handsome man, then?”

 

"I can’t do that either, but my back rubs are just delightful,” he offers.

 

Annoyed she gives him a glare, "What is it with you? I ask 3 wishes, you can't grant any. What kind of a genie are you?"

 

"Hey, who said I'm a genie?" says the little man, "I'm a massage in a bottle."

[archer]

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

 

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my head."

 

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

 

So they did.

 

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

 

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

[Pariah]

3 hours ago, archer said:

After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England.

 

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

 

Pariah => <= archer 

[Bazza]

Thank you. 

 

[Cancer]

6 hours ago, archer said:

After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England.

 

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

 

Same thing as you do every other place: Use the equation of time to correct your sundial reading to the mean time you use.

 

(</literalist killjoy>)

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

1 hour ago, Cancer said:

 

Same thing as you do every other place: Use the equation of time to correct your sundial reading to the mean time you use.

 

(</literalist killjoy>)

 

Literalist Killjoy sounds like a Dickens character. 

[Cancer]

  I'll keep that in mind when I next play in a steampunk campaign some similar setting.  It *is* a more elegant handle than Horses Aspen.

[Pariah]

Is his brother Howsier Aspen? 

[Cancer]

Actually, Horace Aspen has real possibilities as a character name, also.

[archer]

Professor X ask a girl, "So, what's your mutant power?"

 

Girl: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

 

Professor X: "Oh, really?"

 

Girl [points up]: " Two pulls"

 

Professor X: [stands up and pulls twice] "Not bad kid, but not a power."

 

Girl: "I'm kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

 

Professor X: [still standing] "HOLY CRAP!"