archer Posted September 26, 2020 Report Share Posted September 26, 2020 Man: "Doctor I'm having problems with my hearing." Doc: "Can you describe the symptoms?" Man: "Well, Marge has blue hair and Homer is the fat guy." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 26, 2020 Report Share Posted September 26, 2020 Bob's first day in heaven: God: "You're about to get your wings." Bob: "Lemon pepper or BBQ?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted September 26, 2020 Report Share Posted September 26, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 26, 2020 Report Share Posted September 26, 2020 What's the difference between calculus and a squid? One has to do with increments of x, the other with excrements of ink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 26, 2020 Report Share Posted September 26, 2020 While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place and after treating my wounds I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly, stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my motorbike" aylwin13 and Lee 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 26, 2020 Report Share Posted September 26, 2020 Two Aliens come to our Planet and are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers the greatest comedians and scientists to come up with an original joke but everyone's opinion on what is a good joke turns out to be at conflict. Furious, one scientist proclaims that we have to know which of our earlier jokes the Aliens at least found funny. All the comedians and scientists agree on this. So a scientist goes to talk with the Aliens and ask them which of our old jokes they laughed at the most. The Aliens respond, "The one where this reality TV star becomes the ruler of the free world." The scientist is taken aback, "But that wasn't a joke. That actually happened" The Aliens burst out laughing and leave the planet without saying a word. Tjack, BoloOfEarth and Rails 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlord Posted September 28, 2020 Report Share Posted September 28, 2020 A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." --- Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. --- Girl: "Girls are better than boys." Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?" Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 28, 2020 Report Share Posted September 28, 2020 Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 28, 2020 Report Share Posted September 28, 2020 Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 28, 2020 Report Share Posted September 28, 2020 Beer is a gateway drug to aspirin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." Starlord 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot. aylwin13, Starlord, Christougher and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross. "Something for this, I have." Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda's hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda's garden. "Something for this, I have." Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda's home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He's used all his forks but one, he discovers. "That's ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. "I'll write us a note reminding us to buy more." So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. "Master Yoda!" he asks. "What did I do wrong?" Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!" Pariah, tkdguy, Duke Bushido and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 Pariah -> <- archer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duke Bushido Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Pariah said: Pariah -> <- archer Ditto. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wcw43921 Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 I thought it was rather clever, myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 I just told my sister the joke. She rolled her eyes and said "Get out" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 1 hour ago, wcw43921 said: I thought it was rather clever, myself. 55 minutes ago, tkdguy said: I just told my sister the joke. She rolled her eyes and said "Get out" I will simply note that these two responses are not mutually exclusive. Christougher, Duke Bushido and tkdguy 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 In the presidential debate, Chris Wallace asked President Trump how he viewed lesbian relationships. Apparently, "in Full HD" was not the correct answer. Tjack and Ockham's Spoon 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman - all commandos, are parachuting into Germany in WW2. They land in a field and are spotted by a German soldier who gives pursuit. Their only hiding spot a nearby barn. They run into the barn looking for somewhere to hide and can only see 3 hemp sacks, with no other options, they each climb into one. Enter the German who sees the hemp sacks and concludes that one soldier is in each. He walks up to the sack containing the Scotsman and gives it a good old kick, the Scotsman thinks quick and shouts out “Meow!!” The German thinks “aha, cats” He then walks up to the sack containing the Englishman and again gives the sack a good kick. The Englishman shouts out “Woof!!”, and the German thinks “aha, dogs”. He walks up to the 3rd sack and gives it a good kick, at which the Irishman shouts out “Potatoes!!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 During President Trump's morning briefing, his military advisor tells him, "Mr. President, last night 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a bombing raid." Hearing this, President Trump is shocked. Visibly shaken, a single tear wells up in his eye, then streams down his cheek. He puts his face in his hands and openly weeps. After composing himself, he tells his advisor, "Dear God, no. What a tragedy. This is terrible. We have to do something. But first, tell me, how many zeroes are there in a Brazilian?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 Q: What is heavier, water or butane? A: Water. because Butane is a lighter fluid wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlord Posted September 29, 2020 Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 11 hours ago, archer said: Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot. I think it's more accurate to assume half of them are stupid and the other half are just self-centered, a$&holes.... Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted September 30, 2020 Report Share Posted September 30, 2020 A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!” mattingly and BoloOfEarth 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 2, 2020 Report Share Posted October 2, 2020 We usually don't analyze humor in this thread but is this too difficult for the average person to understand? I've gotten some odd responses to it which clearly show that people can't wrap their heads around it. "Trump is the healthiest person ever who is still president." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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