archer Posted October 2, 2020 Report Share Posted October 2, 2020 Earlier today I read that an alligator can grow up to 15 feet... ...but I've never seen one with more than 4. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted October 3, 2020 Report Share Posted October 3, 2020 if it had more, wouldn't it be a Catagator? hmm, seems like a new monster for the compendium Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 3, 2020 Report Share Posted October 3, 2020 12 minutes ago, slikmar said: if it had more, wouldn't it be a Catagator? hmm, seems like a new monster for the compendium No, no, the Catagator is the one that has nine lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christougher Posted October 3, 2020 Report Share Posted October 3, 2020 My wife bought a ceramic dinosaur, but one of its horns was broken.. I asked, "Wouldn't that make it a diceratops?" My son answered, "No, a dieceratops would have one to six horns." wcw43921 and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 3, 2020 Report Share Posted October 3, 2020 9 hours ago, Christougher said: My wife bought a ceramic dinosaur, but one of its horns was broken.. I asked, "Wouldn't that make it a diceratops?" My son answered, "No, a dieceratops would have one to six horns." Clearly you have chosen well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 3, 2020 Report Share Posted October 3, 2020 When all is one, and one is all. To be a die and not to roll. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 3, 2020 Report Share Posted October 3, 2020 laissez le bon temps rouler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 Book #1: "Hey, you look so much thinner!" Book #2: "Thanks! I had my appendix taken out." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 And my table of contents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 Now if only I could dispose of the list of malcontents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 The list, or the malcontents themselves? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 Both; the latter first, of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 What's the Presidential ventilator called? Forced Air One There are a huge amount of "Trump with COVID" jokes out there, many of them very funny as opposed to this one. But political humor is kind of borderline for this thread so.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 Two lesbians have a son who is despondent about not having a dad. One of the moms whispers to the son, "Look at it this way: at least you have a mother and a fat her." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 Billy Bob Thorton from Beaumont, Texas was visiting his high school reunion where everyone was bragging about how successful they were. After Jack, the former school team quarterback and big man on campus, had his say, Billy Bob just drawled, "Heck, that ain't nothin'. Literally everyone in the world knows me." Jack is skeptical. "Really?" "Really. And I'll pay whatever it takes to prove it." So they go out for a night on the town. Sure enough, everyone in town knew Billy Bob Thorton by name. Jack thought that surely they wouldn't know Billy Bob Thorton in Dallas so the two of them travelled there. But sure enough, everyone in Dallas identified Billy Bob Thorton from Beaumont, Texas by name. Jack thought, "Well, maybe that's just a Texas thing. We'll try Montreal." But even in Montreal, everyone knew Billy Bob Thorton from Beaumont, Texas by name. Then it occurred to Jack that maybe he was going about this all wrong and maybe that he should try some famous person and said, "I bet you don't know the pope." But Billy Bob Thorton claimed he knew the pope and soon they were on a trip to Rome. At the Vatican, Billy Bob told Jack that he couldn't get him inside but that he'd show up on a balcony with the pope and wave down to him. A few minutes later, Billy Bob showed up on the balcony with an elderly gentleman who was wearing elaborate robes but Jack realized he didn't know exactly what the pope looked like. Grabbing a passerby, Jack asks him, "Is that the pope up there on the balcony?" The fellow looked up to the balcony and said, "Do you mean that guy standing next to Billy Bob Thorton from Beaumont Texas? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally". IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to, the mentally challenged one". Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"? Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 What's the difference between Donald Trump and Jason Voorhees? Both are scary people but Jason knows how to wear a mask. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 Two hunters were lost in a forest. One tells the other, “I heard that if you fire three times in the air, that can help people to find you.” They try that once, then again an hour later but still no-one turned up. The second hunter says “I am not sure we should try that again.” The first hunter agrees, saying “You’re probably right, besides, we’re almost out of arrows.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ. Or, as it's also known, R gone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 What is the difference between New Zealand and the White House? The White House has more Covid-19 cases than New Zealand. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 Shouldn’t political jokes go in the politics thread? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 5, 2020 Report Share Posted October 5, 2020 ...unless they're already on the ballot. Starlord 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted October 5, 2020 Report Share Posted October 5, 2020 Two stockbrokers are returning from lunch, only to find that they have locked the car keys inside the car. They try all the doors just in case but no luck. The first one says "We might have to break a window to get in." The second one replies "But it will look like we are trying to steal the car. We should call a locksmith." "But we are all the way downtown! It will take forever for a locksmith to come." complains the first. "Maybe we could call the police. They might be able to help." suggests the second. "I don't know about that. But whatever we decide, we have to do it soon. It looks like it is about to rain, and the top is down!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 6, 2020 Report Share Posted October 6, 2020 I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers... Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.