archer Posted October 6, 2020 Report Share Posted October 6, 2020 For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid. I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-colored giraffe and then the desk melted. Christougher and aylwin13 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 6, 2020 Report Share Posted October 6, 2020 Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and three in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 6, 2020 Report Share Posted October 6, 2020 slikmar and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted October 7, 2020 Report Share Posted October 7, 2020 What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 7, 2020 Report Share Posted October 7, 2020 I have a Polish friend who's a sound engineer. I have a Czech one, too. A Czech one, too, Duke Bushido 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 10, 2020 Report Share Posted October 10, 2020 Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist... but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 10, 2020 Report Share Posted October 10, 2020 My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter or sew it seams. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted October 10, 2020 Report Share Posted October 10, 2020 2 hours ago, Logan.1179 said: My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter or sew it seams. I'm in stitches! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 14, 2020 Report Share Posted October 14, 2020 I'm selling my Theremin. I haven't touched it in years. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 14, 2020 Report Share Posted October 14, 2020 "Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into your enemy's eyes?" "That's assault." "Yes, I know that's a salt. But is it a crime?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 15, 2020 Report Share Posted October 15, 2020 I’ve got this weird fetish for figuring things out. Matter of fact I just came to that realization. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han? She was looking for love in Alderaan places. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 Build a man a fire, you'll warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, you'll warm him for the rest of his life. Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 A patient walks into an optometrist's office. The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup. "Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness." The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused. "That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20." Pariah and Ockham's Spoon 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step. She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?" The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 I have an astronomy question: What's the brightest star in the night sky? Sirius replies only. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says, “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The traffic lights are all broken and traffic is grid locked so he goes and fixes them. People are now able to move through the city and can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on. The Devil replies, "Thanks for sending us an engineer. Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer." "What?!?! An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute." The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars, cities on other planets, blah blah blah.... But no! Here we are, teaching people how to wash their hands.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 1 hour ago, archer said: I have an astronomy question: What's the brightest star in the night sky? Sirius replies only. Sol. It’s iq is 2500 Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 3 hours ago, archer said: In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars, cities on other planets, blah blah blah.... But no! Here we are, teaching people how to wash their hands.... Modern society is being rebooted back to the Middle Ages. You’re welcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 6 hours ago, archer said: I have an astronomy question: What's the brightest star in the night sky? Sirius replies only. 4 hours ago, Bazza said: Sol. It’s iq is 2500 Sol is in the NIGHT sky? No one tells me anything anymore.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 From Pluto, it's all night sky. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 All night now, it's all night now All night now, it's all night now Bazza 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire". He was a great man but a terrible Fireman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.