archer Posted October 16, 2020 Report Share Posted October 16, 2020 8 hours ago, Cancer said: From Pluto, it's all night sky. How about from Goofy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted October 17, 2020 Report Share Posted October 17, 2020 I think the same, because by my memory, he saw stars frequently. archer 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 17, 2020 Report Share Posted October 17, 2020 I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My girlfriend bought me an Xbox. But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable. Lawnmower Boy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 17, 2020 Report Share Posted October 17, 2020 An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink. The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it. The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead. He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider. Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead. He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up. By the time they left the bar, the father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home. Rails, BoloOfEarth, Lawnmower Boy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 17, 2020 Report Share Posted October 17, 2020 How can you milk a sheep? Release a new iPhone. aylwin13, Ockham's Spoon, Pariah and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 17, 2020 Report Share Posted October 17, 2020 Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile. The first idiot says, “I’ll jump first and tell you how deep it is.” He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, “it’s only ankle deep!” The second idiot jumps and says, “What on earth? I’m up to my neck!” And the first idiot says, “Well you jumped feet first.“ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 17, 2020 Report Share Posted October 17, 2020 Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO. Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO. Lawnmower Boy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 Give a man some clothes and he’ll be clothed for a day. Teach a man to weave and he’ll be naked for a very long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 A sloth walks into a bar Well actually, I got ahead of myself, it’s still walking there... This is taking longer than I expected... Never mind, I’ll finish the joke when the sloth finally gets here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 Eli Whitney walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I think I'd like another gin." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!" "Uno!!!" "Dos!!!" ...and then he vanished, without a tres. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 3 hours ago, archer said: How can you milk a sheep? Release a new iPhone. this reminds me of a video a friend sent me back when iphone 4 came out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaxU0ut5tUw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's bad for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly. Cancer 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 What's bown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre. Pariah and Ockham's Spoon 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wcw43921 Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 "Hey, Little Johnny--what did you get that little silver medal for?" "For singing." "And what did you get that big gold medal for?" "For stopping." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 1 hour ago, wcw43921 said: "Hey, Little Johnny--what did you get that little silver medal for?" "For singing." "And what did you get that big gold medal for?" "For stopping." I'm pretty sure I heard him on the radio during the moments it took my hand to reach the "OFF" button. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlord Posted October 20, 2020 Report Share Posted October 20, 2020 Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they are a solid number two. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted October 21, 2020 Report Share Posted October 21, 2020 People won't let me set the bar either high or low. I can't see why. The building inspectors say my work with concrete is exemplary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 21, 2020 Report Share Posted October 21, 2020 [Juliet looking down from balcony] "It’s over Romeo, I have the high ground" Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 21, 2020 Report Share Posted October 21, 2020 Pretty sure Romeo has the high ground...because he’s on the ground. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 21, 2020 Report Share Posted October 21, 2020 After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 21, 2020 Report Share Posted October 21, 2020 A physics teacher, an engineering teacher, and a shop class teacher all get on a plane. As they're getting comfortable, the pilot comes in over the intercom. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen," he says, "I understand we have some teachers on our flight. We've got a special treat for them: the plane we're sitting in was actually constructed by their students!" The physics teacher and the engineering teacher look at each other, shriek, and start beating on the locked door. Meanwhile, the shop class teacher is lounging in his seat, cool as a cucumber. Eventually they turn to him. "Why are you so calm?" they ask. "Because," he says, "if MY students built this plane, I can guarantee this piece of crap wouldn't even start." BoloOfEarth, Pariah, slikmar and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 21, 2020 Report Share Posted October 21, 2020 To-do list of the pink panther To-do To-do Todo todo todo todo todooooootododo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted October 21, 2020 Report Share Posted October 21, 2020 A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing. Ockham's Spoon and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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