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A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is e

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice   My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.   What do you get when you cross the Atlantic wit

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.


The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.


The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.


He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.


Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.


He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.


By the time they left the bar, the father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.

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Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile.

The first idiot says, “I’ll jump first and tell you how deep it is.” He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, “it’s only ankle deep!”

The second idiot jumps and says, “What on earth? I’m up to my neck!”

And the first idiot says, “Well you jumped feet first.“

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.


The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."


The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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A physics teacher, an engineering teacher, and a shop class teacher all get on a plane.


As they're getting comfortable, the pilot comes in over the intercom. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen," he says, "I understand we have some teachers on our flight. We've got a special treat for them: the plane we're sitting in was actually constructed by their students!"


The physics teacher and the engineering teacher look at each other, shriek, and start beating on the locked door. Meanwhile, the shop class teacher is lounging in his seat, cool as a cucumber.


Eventually they turn to him. "Why are you so calm?" they ask.


"Because," he says, "if MY students built this plane, I can guarantee this piece of crap wouldn't even start."

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