Jokes

[archer]

An electrician, a bricklayer, and a welder are sitting on a high rise scaffolding on their lunch break. They all open their lunches to find baloney sandwiches. The electrician sighs and says

"I hate baloney, my wife knows I hate baloney, yet every day I end up with this sandwich. If I get one more of these, I'm jumping off this building."

The bricklayer agrees with him, saying "You know what, I feel the same way. I'm tired of this bland lunch every day. One more of these and I'm jumping off after you.

The welder chimes in as well, saying "I hate this sandwich, too. I'm with you guys."

Well the next day comes and they find themselves in the same spot for lunch. The electrician pulls out a baloney sandwich and true to his word, jumps off and goes splat. The bricklayer opens up his lunch, discovers the same and jumps as well. So does the welder.

At the funeral, the electrician's widow found out what happened and was talking to the other widows, saying "If only I had known how much he hated that lunch, I would have packed him something else." The bricklayer's widow says "For sure! I didn't know he wanted something else." The welder's widow pauses and then says "Don't look at me, my husband packed his own lunch."

[archer]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

 

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[archer]

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says:

 

"Is it just me, or did someone screw up this joke?"

[archer]

It's crazy how sexist the postal service is.

 

I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

[archer]

The police were called to a crime scene.

 

They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.

 

She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"

 

Cop "How many times did you hit him?

 

Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"

[archer]

Why was the Pepsi employee arrested?

 

For selling coke.

[Christougher]

20 hours ago, archer said:

Why was the Pepsi employee arrested?

 

For selling coke.

 

Because his urine test came back positive for Coke.

[Starlord]

For his birthday, an old man’s nephew secretly hires a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

[Pariah]

A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

 

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?”

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

[Cancer]

* (Cancer scribbles on his note pad) *

[archer]

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

 

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

 

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.

 

The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, he yelled "fire"!

[archer]

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

 

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

[archer]

>’Enter new password‘

 

~ 'chicken'

 

‘Password must contain a capital’

~ 'chickenkiev'

[archer]

Robin told Batman that the Batmobile stopped working.

 

Batman, "Check the battery."

 

Robin, looking around confused, "I don't think I've ever seen a Bat-Terry...."

[Pariah]

I love bacon. I'll eat it two, sometimes three times a day. It helps take my mind off these terrible chest pains I keep having.

[Cancer]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM THE WESTERN PART OF WASHINGTON STATE WHEN:

You know the Vitamin D deficiency struggle is real.

You know how to pronounce Hoquiam, Sequim, Puyallup, Sammamish, Enumclaw and Issaquah....

You avoid driving through Seattle at all costs.

You know what a Geoduck is.

You consider swimming an indoor sport.

You see a person carrying an umbrella and instantly think...tourist.

Your lawn is mostly moss and you don't really care.

Honking your car horn is for absolute emergencies.

You're EXTREMELY picky about your coffee.

“The mountain is out today", isn't a strange statement.

While out of state you just tell people you're from Seattle since that's the only known city in Washington according to the rest of the world.

You remember Almost Live.

You've eaten in the Space Needle, and while it was delicious, you're never paying $50 for a meal in the sky again.

You rarely wash your car because it's just going to get washed by the rain tomorrow.

You're used to the phrase "No, not DC" when telling out of staters where you're from.

Northface is always in fashion.

You take a warm coat and a hat with you for a day at the beach.

You have mastered the art of doing everything in the rain, because, well, Washington.

You play the "no you go" at four-way stop.

You have had both the thought of how beautiful Mount Rainier is, while simultaneously accepting that it will probably kill you someday.

You get a little twitchy if it's been more than a week since it last rained.

You believe Twilight ruined Forks.

You can say Humptulips, Lilliwap and Dosewallips without giggling.

[wcw43921]

I'm not from Seattle, but I remember Almost Live.  Who could forget Bill Nye back in his superhero days?  Or Tracy Conway, who I always thought bore a resemblance to adult star Christy Canyon?  Or Mind You Manners, With Billy Quan?

 

"Remember Kids, Be Like Billy--BEHAVE YOURSELF!!!"

[BoloOfEarth]

I loved Almost Live.  Only show I ever saw do a parody of Quantum Leap - Quantum Leak, where Sam Beckett is leaping through time, fixing plumbing problems.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3EKb9q0lv4

 

Also loved their game show:  Who Killed JFK Today?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXRslcMsGlQ

[Bazza]

STUPIDLY ASKED QUESTIONS

 

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. 

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).  
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. 

 

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)  
A: Depends how much you've been drinking. 

 

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) 
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. 

 

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)  
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. 

 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)  
A: What did your last slave die of? 

 

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)  
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. 

 

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)  
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 

 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)  
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. 

 

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)  
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. 

 

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)  
A: You are a British politician, right? 

 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)  
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. 

 

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)  
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. 

 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) 
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. 

 

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)  
A: No, WE don't stink. 

 

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)  
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. 

 

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)  
A: Yes, gay nightclubs. 

 

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)  
A: Only at Christmas. 

 

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)  
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. 

 

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)  
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[L. Marcus]

That thing they say about Swedes? Yes, it's true, but more sexy.

[death tribble]

I intend to go to a fancy dress party with the most desirable of all composers. Yes, I'm bringing Sexy Bach.......

[Ockham's Spoon]

A clerk in a department store that is still operating is approached by a customer who asks for 2 pairs of underwear.

"Only two?" the clerk asks.

"Yeah, I wash one pair in the sink each day and rotate them." the customer replies.

The clerk finds this odd but sells him the underwear.  The next customer comes in and asks for 5 pairs of underwear.

"Well with 5 pairs you won't have to rotate them daily." comments the clerk.

"Yeah, that gives me one pair for each workday.  I just go commando on the weekends."

The clerk is mildly disgusted but sells him the underwear.  The next customer comes in and asks for 7 pairs of underwear.

"One for each day of the week?" says the clerk.

"Yes, and then I do laundry on Sunday." says the customer.

The clerk definitely thinks more highly of this customer than the other two.  Then a fourth customer arrives, asking for 12 pairs of underwear.

"Well, you must be a scrupulously clean person." says the clerk.

"You bet!" says the customer, "That gives me one pair for each month of the year."

[archer]

10 hours ago, L. Marcus said:

That thing they say about Swedes? Yes, it's true, but more sexy.

 

I'm too sexy for my Swede, too sexy for my Swede....

[archer]

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

 

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

[archer]

The beaver says "I didn't build that, Your Honor."

 

The judge points at the picture of the pile of logs in the river and says "We have damming evidence against you."