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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers.

 

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten diseases. With the little money he earned from his hard work he immediately donated it back into relief funds for all the places he’d visited.

His coworkers all loved him, ask anyone and they’ll say he was the most positive and bright man they’d ever met.

This is why during his retirement dinner, an angel descended from heaven to speak with him, stunning the guests into silence.

“You have lived a giving life, one that many could look up too and many relied on to survive. Because of this, we would like to give you a gift- another ten years of healthy life, all the wealth you could imagine, or unparalleled wisdom.”

The man debated between longevity and wisdom for half a breath but very quickly decided he wanted unparalleled wisdom.

The angel reached down, touched his forehead, and left without another word.

The guests at the dinner, still in a partial state of shock, stare in silence at the slack jawed man. Eventually, his coworker and closest friend spoke up, “Well? How is it?”

The man replied in an awed voice, “I should’ve chosen the money.”

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A man finds a magic lamp and, on rubbing it, a genie appears and offers him three wishes. However, the genie warns that the man is not allowed to wish for more wishes.

 

Man: “I wish that from now on all genies add when they should subtract.”

 

Genie looks uncomfortable and says: “Okay, you now have four wishes left”.

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A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.

 

"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."

 


"Wow, that's some list," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"


 

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

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Three sophisticated southern women sit together at a country club, Eliza, Josephine, and Isabelle.

Eliza says to the other two, "You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary. A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings."

"How wonderful!" Josephine says.

Isabelle responds, "That's nice, real nice."

Josephine then says to the other two, "Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary. He took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas."

"Amazing!" Responds Eliza.

"That's nice, real nice." Isabelle says.

Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.

"What did your husband get you for your anniversary?" asks Eliza.

"He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes." Isabelle says.

"Etiquette classes?" Eliza says.

"What did you learn there?" asks Josephine.

"Well," says Isabelle, "I used to say, 'WELL WHO GIVES A CRAP?' but now I say, 'That's nice, real nice.'"

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A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

 

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.

 

"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing".

 

The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building.

 

"This second building is my church" he says "I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me".

 

The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building.

 

"Oh, that one" the man says. "That's the church I USED to go to".

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A patient wakes up after his appendectomy.

 

A quite nervous doctor is waiting in the room.

"I don't know how to say this, but the surgeon made a mistake, read the wrong chart, and...I'm afraid you got the wrong surgery."

"That imbecile did what?  What happened? I'm going to sue him for everything he owns!"

"Miss, please calm down."

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A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit.

The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

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The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

 

So the Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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