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You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice   My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.   What do you get when you cross the Atlantic wit

If you removed an angel statue from a fountain, what would you have?   A sans seraph font

7 hours ago, archer said:

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

 

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.


   You’re going to hell, so make sure the undertaker puts you in a lightweight suit.  Remember cotton breathes, even when you don’t.

7 hours ago, archer said:

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus pandemic.

 

But when I got to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required.

  
 At least Batman will be safe.

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An airplane lands at an airport with great difficulty, stopping, just short of an accident. The captain wipes his brow and says, "My God that's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"

 

"You're not kidding" says his co-pilot, looking out of the window "but it sure is wide."

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6 hours ago, archer said:

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

 

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.


     That makes sense to me.  Because the candidates are a couple of the biggest punts I’ve ever seen.

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A cowboy walks into a bar and a man walks up to him and asks, "Are you a cowboy?"

 

The cowboy says to the man, "If you mean someone who ropes and wrangles cattle, wakes up when the rooster crows, and packs a six shooter, then yes I am a cowboy."

 

A few minutes later a woman approaches the cowboy and asks, "Are you a cowboy?" But before he can answer the woman says, "Well I am a lesbian. I love women, I am infatuated by how beautiful women are, and think about nothing but having sex with women. And that makes me a lesbian." Then the woman walks away.

 

Then a few minutes after that another person goes up to the cowboy and asks, "Are you a cowboy?"

 

The cowboy looks puzzled and responds, "I thought I was a cowboy, but it turns out I'm a lesbian."

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

 

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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One was a very bright student while the other one was quite dumb. The brighter one always helped the other passing exams be it a class test or end term exams. The teachers were quite furious with them and at last, called upon a meeting to discuss with the principal what could be done. All came to the conclusion that both of them will be interviewed separately and have to pass it in order to move onto a higher standard.

 

First, the brighter student was interviewed.

 

The panel asked him "When did India get its freedom ?". He answered, " the struggle started way back in 1943 and finally it happened in 1947".

 

The panel was impressed and asked him another question - "Can you name at least one freedom fighter who died fighting for the struggle for freedom ?" 

 

He answered, "Sorry sir, but I should not name only a single one because it will be disrespectful for the others who all fought for the cause. ".

 

The panelists were awestruck. They asked the student to send in the dumb one after him.

 

But, being his best friend, he told his dumb friend everything that was asked in the interview and also told him exactly what to answer.

 

The student went in and the panelist started asking him questions.

 

First, they asked him "When were you born ?". He replied in a very confident voice "Sir, the struggle started way back in 1943 but finally it happened in 1947".

 

The panelists were shocked and restrained their laughter.

 

Next, they asked, "What is your father's name ?".

 

Being confident he answered in a very fluent way "Sorry sir, but I should not name only a single one because it will be disrespectful for the others who all fought for the cause".

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

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