Jokes

[archer]

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

 

“That’s impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

 

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony then she pushes her knee and screams again, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

 

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”

 

She says, “No, I’m actually a blonde.”

 

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

[archer]

I HATE HALLOWEEN

 

Only thing I've gotten was candy. These little monsters really need to drop better loot next time.

[archer]

A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas. 

 

The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."

 

And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"

[archer]

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

 

 

Because he always gets stuck at Chapter 11.

[archer]

Last night I was about to take a short cut through the graveyard when two young ladies stopped me.

 

"Can we walk with you?" said one of them. "Please?"

 

"Sure," I said, and off we went.

 

"It really freaks us out walking through the graveyard after dark," explained the other lady.

 

"No problem," I said. "It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

[archer]

A man asked his friend if he wanted to go hunting.

 

The friend agreed and the next day, they went.

 

While they were driving, the friend asked, “What’s with the dog?”

 

And the other man said “He's the best dog in the world. He can walk on water.”

 

When they got to the pond where they were hunting, the spotted some geese. The first man shot 2 and told his dog to go get them. And, as the dog had been commanded to do so, he ran on the pond and picked up the dead geese.

 

As the dog was coming back, the friend was amazed and said, ”I thought you were being metaphorical. That's fantastic! Is there any downside?”

 

The first man replied, “Well, he can’t swim....”

[archer]

So two friends are at the temple watching Jesus go off of on the moneylenders, flipping over tables and such.

 

One guy says to the other, "Wow, he's sure cranky."

 

The other guy agreed, "Yeah, I wouldn't want to cross him."

[Bazza]

Or double cross him. 

[Bazza]

Christmas is cancelled as Santa can’t fly around in one night. He has to self-isolate for 2 weeks in each new state/country. 

[Tjack]

11 hours ago, archer said:

So two friends are at the temple watching Jesus go off of on the moneylenders, flipping over tables and such.

 

One guy says to the other, "Wow, he's sure cranky."

 

The other guy agreed, "Yeah, I wouldn't want to cross him."

    I already warned you about the “you’re going to hell thing”...right?

[Cancer]

7 hours ago, Bazza said:

Christmas is cancelled as Santa can’t fly around in one night. He has to self-isolate for 2 weeks in each new state/country. 

 

He's been ignoring borders and import/export restrictions forever.  Why change his M.O. now?

[tkdguy]

11 hours ago, Bazza said:

Christmas is cancelled as Santa can’t fly around in one night. He has to self-isolate for 2 weeks in each new state/country. 

 

https://www.gocomics.com/candorville/2020/11/01

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

 

I had to get a running start but I made it!

[Tjack]

4 hours ago, Cancer said:

 

He's been ignoring borders and import/export restrictions forever.  Why change his M.O. now?

   Are you saying Santa is a super-spreader?     I picture Santa coughing up a big wet one into a Christmas stocking before putting the toys in.  “There’s a special surprise in there for you Tommy!”

[archer]

8 hours ago, Tjack said:

    I already warned you about the “you’re going to hell thing”...right?

 

Maybe I'm confused but isn't it the one who want to cross Jesus the ones who are going to hell?  

[Tjack]

31 minutes ago, archer said:

 

Maybe I'm confused but isn't it the one who want to cross Jesus the ones who are going to hell?  

    Oh, he’s probably going too, but you were already in line for the “never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down” joke.  At least you’ll have somebody to talk to while you wait in that DMV line that never moves.😈

[archer]

In honor of Sean Connery:

 

 

007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

 

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

 

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

 

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

 

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

 

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

 

"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear."

 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing underwear!"

 

007 smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[archer]

(Keep in mind that it's not written in stone that blonde jokes have to be about women. Equal opportunity and all that...)

 

 

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to his mailbox.

 

He opens the mailbox, looks in, closes it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, he does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time he's visibly angry. He comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. He looks in the mailbox and slams it closed.

 

As he's walking back to the house, the guy says, "Not to be nosy, but are you expecting an important package?"

 

The blonde answers, "No! It's my damn computer! It keeps telling me I have mail!"

[archer]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos.

 

My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues.

 

It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.

[archer]

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

 

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[archer]

Recently when traveling abroad, I learned the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'.

 

I saw it written on a glass door.

[archer]

There was a train driver in Bulgaria.

 

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died.

 

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

 

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

 

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

 

Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

 

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

 

And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

 

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

 

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

 

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

[archer]

A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake. The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars. The silence was deafening.

Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed. The owner announced: "We have a winner!!!".

After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room. The man tells his wife: "I did not jump in myself ... Someone pushed me !!!"

His wife smiled and said, "It was me!"

Moral of the story: "Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push." 

[archer]

Michaelangelo was only 24 years old when he completed the Pieta sculpture.

 

The fact that he was a turtle makes it 10 times more impressive.

[archer]

What’s the worst thing you can remember doing when drunk?

 

I remember I came home one night and fixed a dartboard to the ceiling.

 

Spent the rest of the night throwing up.