archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 A man traveling through Thailand sees a monk light a fire with only the heat from his hands He walks over to the monk and says “How did you do that?” The monk replies “With enough training you can do things that appear impossible. What is the one thing you most want to achieve in life?” The man replies “I’d love to be able to jump as high as a house so I can compete in the NBA.” The monk replies “Go away and jump continuously every day for two years and return to me.” The man heads away and starts practicing. He returns two years later and walks up to the monk and says angrily, “I can jump much higher now but not higher than a house.” The monk replies “Yes you can, idiot: houses can’t jump!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 I won the lottery today!!!! Well, I only got the first two numbers, but my lawyers are working on having them stop the count. BoloOfEarth and Duke Bushido 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 The spread of coronavirus is based on two factors: 1) How dense the population is. 2) How dense the population is. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 My girlfriend bought me the Kama Sutra last week... ...it put me in an awkward position. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 I’ve secretly converted to Norse paganism Shhhhhhh! I’m trying to keep it Loki. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 A police officer, was scheduled for all-night duty at the station but was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache". "Certainly, darling," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise "Say" said the druggist "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief? Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 What do you call a group of divorced mutants? The Ex-Men. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 The largest city in North Yorkshire has mysteriously vanished! Police are desperately searching for Leeds. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 People treat me like a god. They ignore me until they need me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 I'm looking for a "friend with benefits". Health Care at a minimum. Dental would be nice but not required. Duke Bushido 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 Wouldn’t apply in Oz. Employers don’t offer those benefits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 I just got the news that I'm color blind. I was surprised. It came completely out of the green. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 If we’ve learned anything from these past 4 years is that LITERALLY anyone can become U.S. president. Don’t stop dreaming kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor taught the women how to breathe and explained to the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass." She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for both of you." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments, a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes," said the Instructor. "I was just wondering, would it be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 Did you know that Oreo has a secret bakery in Nevada? It's called Oreo 51. mattingly and aylwin13 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 A horse walks into a bar and orders a shot of bourbon. The bartender asks him, "Would you like a beer chaser?" The horse thinks about it for a moment and says, "No, I think not." The horse vanishes. Duke Bushido 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 Mathematician and philosopher Rene Descartes is sitting in a cafe in Paris one afternoon. He's just finished his lunch, and one of the servers asks him, "Would you like a fruit tartlet? They're fresh!" He ponders it for a moment and then says "No, I think not." And he vanishes. -- Okay, I guess it would have made more sense if I had told the second joke first. But I just don't feel comfortable putting Descartes before the horse. BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted November 9, 2020 Report Share Posted November 9, 2020 I swear I saw this here, but a search found nothing. So my apologies if this is a repeat. What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot? 632 Hallmark movies Pariah, Tjack, Cancer and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted November 9, 2020 Report Share Posted November 9, 2020 10 hours ago, Pariah said: Mathematician and philosopher Rene Descartes is sitting in a cafe in Paris one afternoon. He's just finished his lunch, and one of the servers asks him, "Would you like a fruit tartlet? They're fresh!" He ponders it for a moment and then says "No, I think not." And he vanishes. -- Okay, I guess it would have made more sense if I had told the second joke first. But I just don't feel comfortable putting Descartes before the horse. If I ever meet you in the real world, I’m gonna hit you with a big stick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 9, 2020 Report Share Posted November 9, 2020 2 hours ago, Tjack said: If I ever meet you in the real world, I’m gonna hit you with a big stick. That's fair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted November 10, 2020 Report Share Posted November 10, 2020 On 11/8/2020 at 9:36 PM, Tjack said: If I ever meet you in the real world, I’m gonna hit you with a big stick. Just make sure you speak softly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 10, 2020 Report Share Posted November 10, 2020 Anyone seen Pariah #whispers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 10, 2020 Report Share Posted November 10, 2020 Nope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted November 10, 2020 Report Share Posted November 10, 2020 "I haven't," said Cancer, as he bumped into things knocking them over in a dark room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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