archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? Because that’s where students have the most potential. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 My wife and I were walking home from dinner when we came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law. My wife asked, "Aren't you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, ‟Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.” The priest replied, ‟That was a wonderful thing you did, and you've no need to confess that.” ‟There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.” The priest said, ‟That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you're truly sorry for your actions, you're indeed forgiven.” ‟Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one mre question.” And what is that?‟ asked the priest. ”Should I tell her the war is over?‟ BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs. I said, 'But baby, it's cold outside' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 There once was a blonde woman who was tired of everyone making fun of her for being a “dumb blonde”. She went to the hairdresser and had her hair dyed brunette. On her way home, she was driving past a field full of sheep. She got excited and stopped to pet a sheep. She walked up to the farmer and said: “Hi mister, I really love your sheep! If I can guess the number of sheep in your field, may I take one home with me?” The farmer replied, “well, sure, I guess” thinking there was no way she would guess the number of sheep in his field. Sure enough, the lady thinks about it for a second and blurts out, “265 sheep!” The farmer, stunned, tells her that is exactly the number of sheep he has in his field. So the lady grabs and throws one of the animals in her convertible. Right when she is about to pull away, the farmer walks over to the lady and asks: “Hey lady, if I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 There was once a magician who performed sleight-of-hand tricks on a cruise ship. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on-board parrot who would fly around squawking and giving away his secrets like: "IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!" "IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!" "IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!" The magician was getting pretty sick of it and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in just seconds. Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eyes. The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie, but some people say that’s irrational. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 Alcohol is the perfect solvent. It dissolves marriages, families, and careers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 The Washington football team beat the Allas Cowboys. Yes, it's the "Allas Cowboys", because they've got no "D". Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 Never buy a blanket from the Dallas Cowboys secondary: They can't cover anybody. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 The Somalian Olympics Team has just issued a formal apology to the International Olympic Committee for not realizing that sailing and shooting were supposed to be two separate events. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 I will apologize ahead of time for political content: Donald Trump and Mike Pence are having breakfast in a local restaurant shortly before a rally. A pretty waitress comes to take their order. Pence, avoiding looking at her, says "I'll just have the oatmeal and a bowl of fruit, please." Trump leers at her, eyes roving up and down and says "I think I would like a quickie." The waitress says "This is not that kind of establishment!" and storms off without taking his order. Pence looks across the table at Trump and says "I think that is supposed to be pronounced quiche." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on "Take Your Kid to Work Day". As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?" BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 How do you spot a leopard? You don’t, they come that way Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 A farmer is having trouble with the boys in town eating his watermelons. So he posts a sign that says, "one of my watermelons is poisoned." The next day he wakes up and finds a sign next to it. "Now 2 are poisoned." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 I Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 1 hour ago, archer said: The Washington football team beat the Allas Cowboys. Yes, it's the "Allas Cowboys", because they've got no "D". This one would also apply to the Etroit Lions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, ‟If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ‟Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!” The woman said, ‟That's okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned ☝her, ‟You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”. The woman replied, ‟That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM-she is the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, ‟That'll make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, ‟That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.” So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, ‟I'd like a mild heart attack.” Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 The shovel was such a great invention. It was truly groundbreaking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 I've wanted to serve the community and help people ever since I was little. On Mondays - Thursdays, I'm a doctor. Fridays - Sundays, I'm a police officer. Being a stripper is more challenging than you would think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 1 hour ago, archer said: Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Agreed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 4, 2020 Report Share Posted December 4, 2020 Q: What do you call an orangutan who does all its Christmas shopping online? A: Amazon primate. Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 7, 2020 Report Share Posted December 7, 2020 How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Spoiler Romeostasis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted December 7, 2020 Report Share Posted December 7, 2020 58 minutes ago, Pariah said: How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Hide contents Romeostasis. I need an emoji of a baseball bat with which to hit you.............🏏 CLOSE ENOUGH!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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