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A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is e

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice   My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.   What do you get when you cross the Atlantic wit

2 hours ago, Cancer said:

Q:  How can you tell you've fallen afoul of the Math Mafia?

 

  Reveal hidden contents

A: They make you an offer you can't understand.

 

 

I've heard this same punchline with the joke "What happens when you cross a lawyer with the Mafia?"

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Joe was a long haul trucker who'd been driving coast-to-coast for twenty years. Joe had no wife or family, so he'd often end up driving over the holidays. He didn't mind; he knew that if he was on the road, someone else could be at home with their loved ones. 

 

One Christmas morning, Joe pulled in to one of his favorite truck stops. Everyone there knew him, especially the morning server, Mavis. She and Joe had developed a remarkable friendship over the previous two decades. By his reckoning, Joe had spent more Christmas mornings with Mavis than with anyone else.

 

She greeted him warmly when he came in. "Merry Christmas, Joe! The usual, hon?"

 

"Merry Christmas to you, Mavis." Joe took off his trucker hat and sat down. "No, today I think I'd like to try something different. Can I get a menu, please?"

 

"Sure thing, Joe," Mavis said, utterly surprised. In twenty years, she'd never known him to order anything but bacon and eggs with white toast and black coffee. She handed him a menu and gave him a few minutes to look it over.

 

A few minutes later, he was ready to order. "I think I'd like to try the eggs Benedict. With orange juice, if that's all right."

 

"Of course," Mavis said. "I'll have it for you in a jiffy." And sure enough, just a few minutes later she brought him his new breakfast with English muffins, poached eggs, and hollandaise sauce, with hash browns on the side, all on a fancy chrome plate, with a tall glass of cold orange juice. Joe thanked her and began to eat.

 

Half an hour later, Joe had cleared his plate and was finishing off his second glass of orange juice. Mavis came by to check on him. "So, what do you think?"

 

"That was fantastic, Mavis. I can't believe I've never tried that before."

 

"I'm glad you liked it, Joe," she said with a smile.

 

"I did have one question, though," he continued. "What's with the big shiny plate?"

 

"Why, it's tradition, Joe," Mavis responded. "Don't you know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise?"

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An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

 

They go back to his place and jump into bed. After a long while, he rolls over, lights up a cigarette, and asks her, “So… you finish?”

 

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

 

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first.

 

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”

 

And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”

 

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

 

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

 

“No. I’m Swedish.”

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Jack decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

 

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

 

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

 

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

 

"Yes, I do." said Bob

 

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

 

"Well, um, yes..." Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

 

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

 

"She just died and left me everything."

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My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

 

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

 

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

 

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

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Signage in English from around the world

 

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 

Doctor's Office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

 

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE

 

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

 

In a City restaurant, also Kencom

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

 

In a Cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.

 

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

In a Tokyo Bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Hotel, Zurich:

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 

A Laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

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(with apologies)

 

 

3 men get drunk at a bar...

 

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world."

 

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world."

 

Third guy goes: "I've never told anyone this, but my cock is absolutely miniscule. The smallest I've heard anyone having."

 

They decide to all visit the Guinness world records HQ for fun.

 

The first guy goes in and 15 minutes later he comes out smiling and holding a certificate.

 

The second guy goes in and 15 minutes later he comes out smiling and holding a certificate.

 

The third guy goes in, 15 minutes later he comes out fuming. He slams the table and says, "Who the crap is this 'Pariah' guy?"

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A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.

 

Later the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

 

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"


"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"


"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

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