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Avian Flu scare in Massachusetts

Breaking news: Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

 

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

 

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

 

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!!", not a single one could shout "Truck"!

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A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is e

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While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.

Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

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Jesus and Moses are at the beach, enjoying their time down on earth they wanna see if they’ve still got it. So Moses walks up to the ocean, raises his hand and tries with all his might to part the sea. After a lot of effort Moses eventually manages to part the sea.

 

Then Jesus says “Alright it’s my turn”, he walks up to the beach and takes a few steps into the water, his feet contacting the sand under the water.

 

Moses says to him “Don’t worry buddy just try it again.”

 

Jesus tries again taking a bit of a run up first, gets about 3 steps on the water then sinks.

 

Moses seeing that Jesus is frustrated tells him to calm down and take a really good run at it.

 

Jesus runs from about 20 feet away makes it 10 steps and sinks once again. Confused and frustrated Jesus says to Moses “I don’t understand, why is it that you’ve still got it but I don’t?”

 

Moses replies to him saying “Not to be indelicate, Jesus, but you didn’t exactly have those holes in your feet last time you tried to do that.”

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A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

 

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

 

"Who are you?" he asked him.

 

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

 

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

 

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

 

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

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A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

"When white men found this land, Indians were running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."

"Plenty of buffalo."
"Plenty of beaver."

"Women did all the work."
"The Medicine Man was free."

"Indian men spent all day hunting and fishing then all night having sex."

Then Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only a white man is dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that."

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A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was given food, water, and shelter for the night.

“You are free to roam and explore this church” the nun told her. “You are our guest and may do as you please. However, you aren’t to enter the basement under ANY circumstances.”

“Why not,” asked the traveler, confused. “What’s down there?” “I would tell you,” the nun spoke slowly with her head down, “but you’re not a nun.” The traveler thought the nuns demeanor was strange, but brushed it off.

When going to her bed for the night, the traveler passed by the basement. She heard strangle sloshing noises, like a damp rag, followed by the sound of a feral animal crying in pain. Disturbed, she found a nun in the church. “What the hell is going on in that basement,” she asked the nun. “I would tell you,” the nun said, “but you’re not a nun.”

“If I become a nun, will I be able to find out what’s in that damn basement,” asked the traveler, frustrated. “I mean, I guess so,” the nun shrugged. “But are you really willing to put in a lifetime worth of commitment just to know what’s in the basement?” The traveler nodded eagerly. Curiosity was ripping her to shreds.

So began her training. For many long years she prayed, preformed rituals, and learned the word of the Lord. Her connection with God strengthened, but so did her flaming need to know what the #$## was in that basement. After long years of hard work, she finally earned her title as a nun.

“Since you are now a nun,” a nun and the church told her, “it’s about time I show you what’s in the basement. But first, you must pass a test of your faith. Tell me, which saint saw a flaming and winged figure in the sky when receiving the stigmata?”

“Why, St, Francis of Assisi of course,” the traveler replied confidently.

“Excellent. Next question, name a female saint who is not a doctor of the church.”

“St. Joan of the Arc, naturally.”

“Wonderful. Finally, who was the second Pope?”

“St. Linus. Sister, may I ask how this is a test of my faith?”

“I was just messing with you. Come now, I’ll show you the basement. I know the curiosity has been troubling your heart.”

Finally, after years and years of hard work, the traveler, now nun, was going to discover what was in the basement. She could hardly contain her excitement and pride of knowing the reward for her labor would be soon received. They went down the halls of the church, and to the basement door. The nun got out the sacred key to the door, opened it slowly, and she saw...

Oh, I would tell you, but you’re not a nun.

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A man comes home early from work one day to find his two young kids watching television, oblivious to the strange noises coming from upstairs in the master bedroom.  He senses something is wrong, drops his coat and briefcase and rushes up the stair and opening the door finds his wife naked and sweaty on the bed.

 

"What is going on?" the man asks.

 

His wife replies "I, uh, think I might be having a heart attack."

 

"Oh my gosh!" he says "I'll go call an ambulance!"

 

He rushes back downstairs to get his phone.  He calls 911 and explains the situation when one of his kids comes rushing up to him.

 

"Daddy! Daddy! There is a naked man in the closet upstairs!"

 

He rushes back upstairs to find his next door neighbor, Ed, in the closet without a stitch of clothing on.

 

"For Christ's sake Ed!" the man yells.  "Here my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"

 

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