archer Posted December 24, 2020 Report Share Posted December 24, 2020 How do mathematicians scold their children? If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times.… Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 In the beginning God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down Into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that To him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....." Adam said, "What is a hill?" God explained it to Adam, and said: "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam said, 'What's a cave?' After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." Just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down Into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, Into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is It now?" And Adam said, “What’s a headache?” Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future? The Man Delorean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 What do you call a group of LGBT lions? Gay pride Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 Before crowbars were invented... ...most crows drank at home by themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up. Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showed up as Charlton Heston's version of himself, while Charlton Heston dressed up as an ape. Ruth Bader Ginsburg came as Hermione Granger. (Although she insisted that she was dressed as the book character, not the movie character, which explained the teeth.) There were also some great couple's costumes. Alex Trebek and Sean Connery dressed up as each other and re-enacted bits from the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches. The Wright brothers dressed up as the Super Mario Brothers. Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds came as Captain Kirk and Mister Spock. Prince dressed up as Dave Chappelle's version of Rick James and David Bowie came as "Super Freakonomics." Naturally, everyone was looking for the guest of honor. If anyone would have a fantastic costume, it would be Jesus. However, try as they might, no one could figure out Jesus' costume among the multitudes of party guests. There were, of course, plenty of people who dressed as Jesus, and some wondered if Jesus had gone full meta. He didn't, but as it turned out Charlie Chaplin did dress up as Jesus and placed third in the Jesus Look-a-Like contest. Finally, as the party was drawing to a close, it was time for everyone to unmask. Joan of Arc was the one dressed as Bigfoot. Alan Turing was Predator. Richard Pryor was the Burning Bush. Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, who had long since made up and become the best of friends, were the unicorn. Eventually there was only one costume left. As Jesus pulled off the Matt Damon mask, everyone realized that Christ was Bourne on Christmas Day. wcw43921, Tjack, Ockham's Spoon and 1 other 1 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 The wife told me the cat had to be chipped. I only have a nine iron but I still got it over the shed. Rails and Duke Bushido 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 This just in: A man has been stealing wheels off of local police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him. wcw43921 and Rails 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 Did you know one of the 3 wise men came from the ocean? It wasn't the gold-man. Not the frankincense-man. It was the myrrh-man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 I got arrested at the airport. Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 1 hour ago, archer said: This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up. < snip > As Jesus pulled off the Matt Damon mask, everyone realized that Christ was Bourne on Christmas Day. Pariah => <= Archer archer and wcw43921 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 13 minutes ago, Pariah said: Pariah => <= Archer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 My girlfriend told me "I used to be Christian" "That's fine" I replied "I don't see why that would bother me" "Good" She said "because I'm so much happier as Christina" Duke Bushido 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 25, 2020 Report Share Posted December 25, 2020 17 hours ago, archer said: How do mathematicians scold their children? If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times.… "Month" is an unrhymeable word? Nonsense! Mathemeticians worked for many a month. Raising polynomials to the (n+1)th. 9 hours ago, archer said: This just in: A man has been stealing wheels off of local police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him. All the toilet seats were stolen from the police station. The cops have nothing to go on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 28, 2020 Report Share Posted December 28, 2020 Dear Santa, You didn’t get me the thesaurus I asked for and now I’m mad. You made me really mad. I’m mad at you. wcw43921, archer and Pariah 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 28, 2020 Report Share Posted December 28, 2020 1 hour ago, Logan.1179 said: Dear Santa, You didn’t get me the thesaurus I asked for and now I’m mad. You made me really mad. I’m mad at you. Dear Santa, You didn't get me the thesaurus I asked for. I have no words to describe how upset I am. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 28, 2020 Report Share Posted December 28, 2020 Common Core strikes again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 28, 2020 Report Share Posted December 28, 2020 13 minutes ago, Bazza said: Common Core strikes again. All the best trainers will tell you that the key to your routine is to strengthen your core. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 28, 2020 Report Share Posted December 28, 2020 ...but it's not common for people to do this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 28, 2020 Report Share Posted December 28, 2020 It hurts me to say this, but I have a sore throat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 28, 2020 Report Share Posted December 28, 2020 26 minutes ago, Logan.1179 said: It hurts me to say this, but I have a sore throat. Drink some beer with lemon. That usually works for me when you have a sore throat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 29, 2020 Report Share Posted December 29, 2020 16 hours ago, archer said: Drink some beer with lemon. That usually works for me when you have a sore throat. Do you drink it every time Logan gets a sore throat? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christougher Posted December 29, 2020 Report Share Posted December 29, 2020 3 hours ago, mattingly said: Do you drink it every time Logan gets a sore throat? Logan gets a lot of sore throats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted December 29, 2020 Report Share Posted December 29, 2020 3 hours ago, Christougher said: Logan gets a lot of sore throats. In fact he collects them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 29, 2020 Report Share Posted December 29, 2020 6 hours ago, mattingly said: Do you drink it every time Logan gets a sore throat? Sort of the point inna it? Works when my wife gets a sore throat as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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