archer Posted December 30, 2020 Report Share Posted December 30, 2020 God, give me the strength to change the things that can be changed, the strength to change the things that probably can't be changed, and the strength to change that which can't possibly be changed. Hey, if You can't work miracles, what the hell good are You? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted December 30, 2020 Report Share Posted December 30, 2020 I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four. Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 30, 2020 Report Share Posted December 30, 2020 Q: What's red and pink and can't fit through a revolving door? Spoiler A: Dolores Umbridge with a spear through her chest. Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise. My boss asked “What companies? “ "Gas, water and electric...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes? Fat. You get fat. You were expecting a joke about pi? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Just now, archer said: What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes? Fat. You get fat. You were expecting a joke about pi? It was an irrational expectation, I know Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 A police officer finishing his arrest of a drunk outside a bar finishes up by saying, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The drunk thinks for a moment then says, "You know, there's this hot blonde waitress inside...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Two things that never get old: 1) Jokes about Anakin killing the younglings. 2) The younglings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 My ex-girlfriend: "One day I'll get married and a lot of men will be sad on that day!" Me : "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 British English now only has three vowels : A, I , O. They have left E.U. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Congratulations, America. Zero school shootings so far this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school. Unfortunately I was part of the control group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Life is all about different points of view: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees a tunnel with light at the end. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees three idiots standing around on the tracks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 What fish is made out of two sodium atoms? 2 Na Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million. Rails and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Despite the pandemic, 2020 was full of positives! 83 million of them, to be exact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Two cowboys were riding through a canyon and from far off they heard the sound of drumming. One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a distant voice called out "He's not our regular drummer!" mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 For 2021, I'm absolutely done with being a chronic people pleaser..!! ......as long as everyone is ok with that ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Time zone at the new year are really interesting. In Australia it's 2021. In the US, it's 2020. In North Korea, it's 1963.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 I think I need glasses now. I can't see 2020 anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel. Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are the matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a performance artist and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Really?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the sobriety test police are giving now!" Pariah, Ockham's Spoon and slikmar 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Q: What does DNA stand for? A: National Dyslexia Association Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly. Here’s to an unforgettable New Year!! Happy 2018, everyone!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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