archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 The doctor told me to rate my pain. Apparently "zero stars, would not recommend" was the wrong answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, “On what day will I die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish Holiday. Hitler demanded to know how she was so sure of that. “Any day you die” she replied “will be a Jewish holiday.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells “I'm looking for the man who had sex with my wife!” Everybody’s silent for a second until someone at the back of the bar yells “Mate, you ain’t got enough bullets!” Rails, Pariah and Christougher 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his mother-in-law. While in Israel, his mother-in-law died at the hotel. The people there told him: "Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home. When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said: "I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her" The man replied, "Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I'm not about to take that risk with your mother." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 I'm not sure if alcoholism is a disease or not. But for me it's definitely an ale-ment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 My teacher asked me what steps to take in the event of a fire. For some reason "Enough to get out of the burning building" was not the right answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland. And then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.... Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 I kept on bragging to my hot girlfriend about how rich my father is. They are married now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 The 3 unwritten rules of getting a hot date are: 1) 2) 3) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 My New Year's Resolution is to be more humble... Which should be easy as I'm already really good at it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 What's the difference between rock and stone? You won't end up in jail for rocking someone to sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Words from the mathematician's Bible And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!" The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders". "Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "for with the aid of log tables, adders can multiply" Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 I have just finished the entire history of lubricant. It’s the best non friction book I’ve ever read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 What’s the difference been a hardworking, caring, mother of four, and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 A cop was questioning me and asked if I was under the influence of narcotics. "Usually" was apparently the wrong answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 2020- Congratulations, you have past the tutorial. 2021: Welcome to level 1 Christougher and Duke Bushido 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 I just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 One I heard form my son this week... Q: What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Q: Wwwaaaa-TAAA! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Why are New Yorkers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Pariah and Rails 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 They say that there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave so I took him out before he could cause any harm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 On a train in the Soviet Union Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes: "You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here." "Come on, that's Bolshevik! Nothing to worry about" - answer the guys. "No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you." The comrade snaps his fingers and says: "Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please!" In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in. The two comrade are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed. Next morning the pranker comrade wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two comrades went. "Oh, KGB took them last night." The comrade asks, totally terrified: "How come, they let me off?!" The train staff answer: "Well, Comrade Major really liked your tea prank." Ockham's Spoon, Rails, Tjack and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 A couple of days ago, I thought I had enough milk in the refrigerator to last until the end of the year. Today, I'm not so sure. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 7 hours ago, archer said: Words from the mathematician's Bible And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!" The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders". "Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "for with the aid of log tables, adders can multiply" And if they multiply with the log tables, then they have powers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 10 hours ago, archer said: Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, “On what day will I die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish Holiday. Hitler demanded to know how she was so sure of that. “Any day you die” she replied “will be a Jewish holiday.” I know there’s been a lot of pages, but did we see this one? 10 hours ago, archer said: A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his mother-in-law. While in Israel, his mother-in-law died at the hotel. The people there told him: "Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home. When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said: "I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her" The man replied, "Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I'm not about to take that risk with your mother." I’ve also heard “I’m not flying all the way back there every time I want to take a piss.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 2, 2021 Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 25 minutes ago, Tjack said: I know there’s been a lot of pages, but did we see this one? Could very well be. I was stressed over knowing I'd have to deal with the pharmacy's screw-up today so I didn't sleep at all, my mind is more than a little screwed up at the moment, and I have no sense of balance (but I am managing to sit in a chair without being in danger of falling out which is an improvement over a couple of hours ago 👍). Remembering which jokes I've seen where...not really surprised if I posted one twice. It'd be more of a surprise if I didn't. I caught myself a couple of time just today starting to repost something I'd already posted today. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, just pretend that I'm deliberately flattering myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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