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Dust Raven

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Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, “On what day will I die?”

 

The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish Holiday.

 

Hitler demanded to know how she was so sure of that.

 

“Any day you die” she replied “will be a Jewish holiday.”

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A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his mother-in-law. While in Israel, his mother-in-law died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.

When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:

"I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her"

The man replied, "Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I'm not about to take that risk with your mother."

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Words from the mathematician's Bible

renderTimingPixel.png

And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".

"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "for with the aid of log tables, adders can multiply"

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On a train in the Soviet Union

Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes:

"You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here."

"Come on, that's Bolshevik! Nothing to worry about" - answer the guys.

"No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you."

The comrade snaps his fingers and says: "Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please!"

In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in. The two comrade are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.

Next morning the pranker comrade wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two comrades went.

"Oh, KGB took them last night."

The comrade asks, totally terrified: "How come, they let me off?!"

The train staff answer: "Well, Comrade Major really liked your tea prank."

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7 hours ago, archer said:

Words from the mathematician's Bible

renderTimingPixel.png

And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".

"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "for with the aid of log tables, adders can multiply"

 

And if they multiply with the log tables, then they have powers.

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10 hours ago, archer said:

Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, “On what day will I die?”

 

The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish Holiday.

 

Hitler demanded to know how she was so sure of that.

 

“Any day you die” she replied “will be a Jewish holiday.”


   I know there’s been a lot of pages, but did we see this one?

10 hours ago, archer said:

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his mother-in-law. While in Israel, his mother-in-law died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.

When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:

"I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her"

The man replied, "Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I'm not about to take that risk with your mother."


    I’ve also heard “I’m not flying all the way back there every time I want to take a piss.”

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25 minutes ago, Tjack said:


   I know there’s been a lot of pages, but did we see this one?

 

 

Could very well be.

 

I was stressed over knowing I'd have to deal with the pharmacy's screw-up today so I didn't sleep at all, my mind is more than a little screwed up at the moment, and I have no sense of balance (but I am managing to sit in a chair without being in danger of falling out which is an improvement over a couple of hours ago 👍).

 

Remembering which jokes I've seen where...not really surprised if I posted one twice. It'd be more of a surprise if I didn't. I caught myself a couple of time just today starting to repost something I'd already posted today. :D 

 

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, just pretend that I'm deliberately flattering myself.

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