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A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is e

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice   My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.   What do you get when you cross the Atlantic wit

A group of squirrels began to invade several churches.


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.


At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.


The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.


The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.


But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.


Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

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Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down, "I'll take some ice. Bring me a $.10 block of ice."

So the iceman cuts off a $.12 block. It's a hot day, no elevator in the building by the time he makes it to her apartment, it'll be $.10.

While he's gone he leaves his cart & horse parked up along side the street curb and just as a stranger comes walking down the sidewalk & is beside the horse, the horse turns his head and says, "What a life!".

The man looks around and sees not another soul anywhere close to him except the horse. So the man looks at the horse and says, "Did you just say something to me?"

The horse turns his head and replies, "Oh yes I did & I'll tell you why. Every day Monday thru Fri my owner has me pull this ice wagon all over town 6am till dark. Then on Saturday's he sells rides to the kids. And on Sundays he hitches me up to a carriage and it's sun up to sun down carrying people all around the park. So I've got a dang good reason to complain about my life."

Flabbergasted the man askes the horse, "But, but, but does he realize you can TALK????"

"No, and don't you tell him either! He'll make me yell, 'Ice'! "

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."


Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."


Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"


Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."


And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

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11 hours ago, archer said:

World's Oldest Orangutan Dies




(This is a do-it-yourself joke kit.)

   (Look at my pic.)

10 hours ago, archer said:

(From a school in Pakistan)


Teacher: "Students today is a surprise field trip, we're going to Bangladesh."


Ladesh, standing up nervously, says: "I guess that's okay."

  Was it an all boys school?

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7 hours ago, archer said:

My wife asked me if I was having sex behind her back.


I replied, "I hope it's me. I don't see anyone else back here."

   If you’re there and she can’t tell...you may have other problems.

                SHE:   “Are you in?”    HE:  “In hell, I’m done!”    Redd Foxx 

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Henry was doing math homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't worry. I am just doing my math homework."

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes, mom."

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching math to children by saying... "2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... "2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

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