archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable! It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 What do you call the mythical creature that is half horse, half virologist? The Centaur for disease control. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 Two lawyers walk into a restaurant. They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases. "Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here." The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave. As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier. “Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant. So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse, but it dropped dead on me. In the end, I had to run 10 miles, but I am here now.” Sergeant Wilson was skeptical about the soldier’s explanation, but at least he’d made it back to camp. The sergeant thought about it momentarily and then decided he’d let the soldier off this time. A couple of minutes later, eight more of Sergeant Wilson’s men ran up to the camp gates, panting heavily. The sergeant demanded explanations for why they were all late and each of them told the same story. “Sorry sir, you see I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus, but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse, but it dropped dead on me. In the end, I had to run 10 miles, but I am here now,” each soldier repeated in turn. Sergeant Wilson eyed them all suspiciously, but since he’d decided to be lenient with the first soldier, he decided that it would only be fair to excuse them too. A few minutes later the tenth and final soldier came running up to the camp gates, panting heavily. “And where have you been?” snapped Sergeant Wilson. The soldier quickly responded, “Sorry sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus, but I missed it. So I hailed a cab, but….” Sergeant Wilson interrupted him immediately, “Let me guess, soldier. It broke down?” “No, sir,” said the soldier, “There were so many dead horses in the road it took forever for the cab driver to find a way around them all.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues. Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?” Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 6 hours ago, archer said: Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day, Teach a man to fish and he'll develop an addiction to buying fishing supplies he'll use once or twice a year. Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Give a fish a man, you'll feed it for like three weeks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden, wide-eyed and intrigued, says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 Did you know that when they hired Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford to star in Star Wars Episode IV, that none of them had seen any of the first three? Unbelievable. Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wcw43921 Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 I can believe that. Just like I can believe that Paul McCartney was in a group before Wings. Bet you didn't know that, did you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 A cowboy moved to Wyoming from Texas. He went into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. Sitting in the back of the room, he drank a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he goes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approached the cowboy and said, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and left the cowboy to his tradition The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank his beers the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. Then one day he came in and ordered just two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fell silent. When he walked back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy was puzzled by the barkeep's comments, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. It hasn't affected my brothers though." Ockham's Spoon and wcw43921 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 Bono and The Edge walk into a bar The barman says 'Oh god, not U2 again...' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 I bought some shoes from a drug dealer recently. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 Once I got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working. And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me. I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up. However, he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.” “Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?” “Well,” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.” “Will that cure me?” asked Dan. “No, but it’ll get you used to the dirt.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 William Shatner just cancelled his plans for a line of ladies lingerie. Apparently "Shatner Panties" didn't do well in focus groups. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 My wife asked me if I'll still love her when she is old and overweight. Apparently, "Yes, I do" is the wrong answer. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 When life gives you melons... You're most likely dyslexic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 3 hours ago, archer said: What do you call the mythical creature that is half horse, half virologist? The Centaur for disease control. Chiron the centaur. “Chiron was known for his knowledge and skill with medicine, and thus was credited with the discovery of botany and pharmacy, the science of herbs and medicine.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 The punchline comes before the question. What's the worst part about time travelling jokes? Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 15, 2021 Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 Yesterday my doctor wrote me a prescription for a Freestyle Libre. I was excited until I picked it up at the pharmacy and found out it wasn't some kind of free-wheeling Luchador. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted January 15, 2021 Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 “Good morning, XYZ Lawyers, this is the receptionist Sue speaking...” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 15, 2021 Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 Don't get on Michael Burnham's bad side. You know how she can hold a Grudge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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