archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS. He turns to his Russian crewmate and says: "Damn, I can't find any cream for my coffee." The crewmate replies: "In space no one can, here use cream." death tribble 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets. Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets. death tribble 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew. Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only Weird if you say it backwards. death tribble 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 What’s the difference between taxes and Texas? At no point have my taxes ever been frozen. Pariah and death tribble 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 A blind man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey man, what's with the parrot?" The man says, "It's my seeing-eye parrot." The bartender says, "You know, most people use dogs right?" The man replies, "Yeah, but do you know how hard it is to get one of those to stay on your shoulder?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 I've stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now. Cancer and death tribble 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 Jokes about y = mx + c are great... But at some point, you've got to draw the line. death tribble 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 I tried one of those "Try Not To Laugh" challenges, but barely made it halfway before cracking up. I guess you could say... I fought the LOL, and the LOL won. death tribble 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 What’s Gray and not very heavy? Light gray. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship. One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, 'a band on ship'." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 MTV turns 40 this year. Thanks for 14 years of music. aylwin13, Cancer, death tribble and 2 others 2 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over bays, they'd be called bagels. death tribble 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 3, 2021 Report Share Posted March 3, 2021 A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes. "I know," said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way." "No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way." "Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?" death tribble and Tjack 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 4, 2021 Report Share Posted March 4, 2021 I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Ockham's Spoon and Tjack 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 4, 2021 Report Share Posted March 4, 2021 “Son, in Iraq I killed 15 people.” "But Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic." "Never said I was a good one." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted March 4, 2021 Report Share Posted March 4, 2021 6 hours ago, archer said: Jokes about y = mx + c are great... But at some point, you've got to draw the line. Careful. That's a slippery slope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted March 4, 2021 Report Share Posted March 4, 2021 My Biros have all taking to saying Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Apparently it is nothing to worry about just a pen chant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted March 5, 2021 Report Share Posted March 5, 2021 A friend asked me to name my favorite vampire. I said "The muppet on Sesame Street." He said "You can't pick him. He doesn't count." I said "Oh, I assure you, he does." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 5, 2021 Report Share Posted March 5, 2021 What do a banjo and a homicide have in common? Spoiler Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 5, 2021 Report Share Posted March 5, 2021 Q: Greg Abbot, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry are stranded on a desert island. Who survives? Spoiler A: Texas. tkdguy, Logan D. Hurricanes, Ockham's Spoon and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 5, 2021 Report Share Posted March 5, 2021 Friend: "Thank you for introducing me to minimalism." Me: "It was the least I could do." wcw43921, mattingly and tkdguy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted March 5, 2021 Report Share Posted March 5, 2021 14 hours ago, Pariah said: What do a banjo and a homicide have in common? Reveal hidden contents Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. When my grandfather retired, he taught himself to play the banjo (earlier in life, he'd taught himself to play the fiddle). I always thought that was really neat and told myself when I retired, I'd teach myself to play both instruments. Unfortunately, I lost a lot of the fine motor control in my fingers before I retired. So it didn't seem practical to attempt to learn instruments which depend on your fingers working. I threatened to learn the tambourine or the kettle drums but strangely enough my wife, who is an instrument buff, didn't seem to be very supportive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 7, 2021 Report Share Posted March 7, 2021 A skunk, a duck, and a deer walked into a diner. They had a nice dinner together. But at the end of the meal the skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the whole meal on the duck's bill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 7, 2021 Report Share Posted March 7, 2021 I just saw my boss in the back of a taxi, participating in a meeting on his laptop. He Zoomed right past me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 7, 2021 Report Share Posted March 7, 2021 Yesterday I crossed the street, walked into a bar, and changed a light bulb. I couldn't help but wonder, "Is my life becoming some kind of a joke?" Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.