Bazza Posted April 26, 2021 Report Share Posted April 26, 2021 Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 What did one boat say to the other? "Are you up for a little row-mance?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper? He sold his soul to seitan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 Why do artists constantly feel cold? Because they're surrounded by drafts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? "Curses! Foil again!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 I renamed my iPod 'The Titanic', so when I plug it in, it says, "The Titanic is syncing." Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 My neighbour is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common? They know what it's like to be stuffed and then jammed into a small place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader's Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It's called the Dwindle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded knowingly. "It's the early signs of typothermia." Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for." "But I only have 36 sheep," says the farmer. "I know," says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list. "What is it?" she asked. "Stephen, with a P-H," I said. Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: "Pheven?" Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 "Give me a sentence about a public servant," the teacher instructed her second-grade student. "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant," he answered. "Umm ... Do you know what pregnant means?" "Yes," said the boy. "It means carrying a child." Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, "Straighten her up." I looked at my daughter and said, "What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up." My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 I was watching a YouTube of a police officer being a complete professional to a nit-wit receiving a traffic ticket and it reminded me of this.... A guy comes up to a stop sign and instead of stopping rolls right thru. A cop saw this and pulled him over. The cop starts writing the ticket and the guy loudly says “Hey, I slowed down, that should be good enough.” The cop drops the ticket book, grabs the guy, pulling him through the window, takes out his nightstick and starts smacking him in the side of the head repeatedly saying....”Do you want me to slow down or do you want me to STOP?!?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush. BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 A West Virginian was sitting at the bar in a nice hotel when a big man in a cowboy hat sat down next to him. "Where you from, boy?" the stranger asked. "I'm from West Virginia," he replied. "Well, I'm from Texas myself. What brings you here?" "I'm here for an agricultural conference." "Me too! You got, what, a farm? Corn? Potatoes?" "Actually, I have a cattle ranch." "Well I'll be, me too! How big's your spread?" "A couple hundred acres, maybe a bit more." "Shoot, son, back in Texas I can get up first thing in the morning and get in my pickup truck and it takes me all day to drive around my ranch." "Yep," the West Virginian replied, "I've got a pickup truck like that too." Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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