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Dust Raven

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The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier. 

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My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, "Straighten her up." I looked at my daughter and said, "What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up." My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.

 

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   I was watching a YouTube of a police officer being a complete professional to a nit-wit receiving a traffic ticket and it reminded me of this....

   A guy comes up to a stop sign and instead of stopping rolls right thru.  A cop saw this and pulled him over. The cop starts writing the ticket and the guy loudly says “Hey, I slowed down, that should be good enough.” The cop drops the ticket book, grabs the guy, pulling him through the window, takes out his nightstick and starts smacking him in the side of the head repeatedly saying....”Do you want me to slow down or do you want me to STOP?!?”

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My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush. 

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A West Virginian was sitting at the bar in a nice hotel when a big man in a cowboy hat sat down next to him. "Where you from, boy?" the stranger asked.

 

"I'm from West Virginia," he replied.

 

"Well, I'm from Texas myself. What brings you here?"

 

"I'm here for an agricultural conference."

 

"Me too! You got, what, a farm? Corn? Potatoes?"

 

"Actually, I have a cattle ranch."

 

"Well I'll be, me too! How big's your spread?"

 

"A couple hundred acres, maybe a bit more."

 

"Shoot, son, back in Texas I can get up first thing in the morning and get in my pickup truck and it takes me all day to drive around my ranch."

 

"Yep," the West Virginian replied, "I've got a pickup truck like that too."

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