Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 I got fired from my job as a masseur. There wasn't any specific incident; apparently I just rub people the wrong way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted April 27, 2021 Report Share Posted April 27, 2021 19 hours ago, Tjack said: I was watching a YouTube of a police officer being a complete professional to a nit-wit receiving a traffic ticket and it reminded me of this.... A guy comes up to a stop sign and instead of stopping rolls right thru. A cop saw this and pulled him over. The cop starts writing the ticket and the guy loudly says “Hey, I slowed down, that should be good enough.” The cop drops the ticket book, grabs the guy, pulling him through the window, takes out his nightstick and starts smacking him in the side of the head repeatedly saying....”Do you want me to slow down or do you want me to STOP?!?” I’ve always liked this joke, but looking at it now I’m wondering if it might not be funny anymore. When I was younger there was a joke about two nuns and a biker gang that ended with the line “And the older one says “Well we’re going back that way aren’t we?” Around 25 years ago I decided that it wasn’t funny until I changed it to two priests. I don’t know about that one either nowadays. What do you folks think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? A: It's two gross. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: Why do mathematicians like parks? A: Because of all the natural logs. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still? A: A roamin' numeral. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: Why don't Calculus majors throw house parties? A: Because you should never drink and derive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: How do you get down from an elephant? A: You don't. You get down from a goose. Ockham's Spoon and mattingly 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 How do you get down from a goose? They're not all that tall to begin with... Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers? A: Because they have two left feet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: Why are football stadiums so cool? A: Because every seat has a fan in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: Which is faster, heat or cold? A: Heat, because you can catch cold. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words? A: The thesaurus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar? A: An Algorithm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I? A: A stapler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Q: What's the different between a cat and a comma? A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 4 hours ago, tkdguy said: How do you get down from a goose? They're not all that tall to begin with... I can’t answer your question. I’m just copying jokes I got from a website during work hours (as we have to wait 5 minutes to avoid posts merging). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 27 minutes ago, Bazza said: I can’t answer your question. I’m just copying jokes I got from a website during work hours (as we have to wait 5 minutes to avoid posts merging). It's the follow-up to the "How do you get down from an elephant?" joke. I first heard them from the late great Dave Allen. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 1 hour ago, tkdguy said: I first heard them from the late great Dave Allen. Wow. Dave Allen. It's been such a long time. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says ‘five pints please' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 A Roman walks into a bar and says, "I'll take a martinus." The bartender replies, "You mean a martini?" The Roman says, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for one." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Girlfriend: You are too childish! This relationship is over! Me on walkie talkie: This relationship is what? Over. mattingly and Ockham's Spoon 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aylwin13 Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 OT: Hey Moderator, can you rename this thread "Bazza's Stand-up"? tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 I wanted to play the God of Deaf People My DM wouldn't hear of it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 28, 2021 Report Share Posted April 28, 2021 Initially I didn’t believe that my chiropractor was any good. But now I stand corrected. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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