Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 How long is one minute? It depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 #2 Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, "There goes the most noble among men"—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. --Tom Wallace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 #3 After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fibre, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom, Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone, Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District, Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust: Golden Girls, Interrupted, The Lavender Hair Mob, Indicting Miss Daisy, No Country for Old Women, The Social Security Network Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with: Semper Pie, The Lasting Supper, In-dough-structible, Pizza de Resistancem, DeFrigNo!, Auld Lang Slice, Eternal Piece, Grandpapa John’s Pizza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.” “Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer, “Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge, “Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King, “Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali, “Mist Connection” —Cary Berkowitz, “The 99 Per-scent” —Julia Flagg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers to put a more positive spin on the sales pitch: “A home suited for free spirits”, “Mostly not haunted”, “113-year-old Victorian, still cared for by original owners”, “A place for all your possessions”, “This house has good bones”, “Your kids will make new friends” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 Q: What do you call a three-humped camel? Spoiler A: Pregnant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 That’s all folks, more later this week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 10 minutes ago, Pariah said: Q: What do you call a three-humped camel? Hide contents A: Pregnant! CourtFool’s lady friend? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 8 hours ago, Bazza said: #1 The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the "best" from the past year. As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead." --Dennis Pearce. And it was only a runner-up that year! It's always been my favorite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 18 hours ago, Bazza said: My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line." If he has cell phone service 10 miles offshore, he has a better carrier than I do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 6, 2021 Report Share Posted May 6, 2021 When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar really badly. And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar really badly. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 7, 2021 Report Share Posted May 7, 2021 A young lady is walking near the Olympic track and field stadium when she sees an athletic young man carrying a long, fiberglass pole. She stops him and says, "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?" Somewhat shocked, the young man replies, "Nein, I am not a Pole. I am German. But how did you know my name was Walter?" mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 7, 2021 Report Share Posted May 7, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christougher Posted May 7, 2021 Report Share Posted May 7, 2021 14 hours ago, Bazza said: Dude, after everything you've posted, you have NO right to this emoji. Pariah and Logan D. Hurricanes 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 7, 2021 Report Share Posted May 7, 2021 I use it as an in-joke between Pariah and myself (and those who know how Pariah uses it). Also, was that a challenge? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 9, 2021 Report Share Posted May 9, 2021 Customer: "Did you get rid of that horrible screeching sound my car was making?" Mechanic: "Yeah, I took out the Cardi B CD and replaced it with Pink Floyd. You're good to go." aylwin13, slikmar and Logan D. Hurricanes 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 10, 2021 Report Share Posted May 10, 2021 I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 12, 2021 Report Share Posted May 12, 2021 My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 13, 2021 Report Share Posted May 13, 2021 People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 13, 2021 Report Share Posted May 13, 2021 9 minutes ago, Logan.1179 said: People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician. Then wire you even trying to be an electrician? wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 14, 2021 Report Share Posted May 14, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted May 14, 2021 Report Share Posted May 14, 2021 That wouldn't be me. I'm part of the resistance. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Normthebarman Posted May 14, 2021 Report Share Posted May 14, 2021 On 5/7/2021 at 7:15 AM, Pariah said: A young lady is walking near the Olympic track and field stadium when she sees an athletic young man carrying a long, fiberglass pole. She stops him and says, "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?" Somewhat shocked, the young man replies, "Nein, I am not a Pole. I am German. But how did you know my name was Walter?" Classic Chic Murray. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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