Bazza Posted May 21, 2021 Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 21, 2021 Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 21, 2021 Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy? Skeleton 2: I don’t know. Why? Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 21, 2021 Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and brought it back. Seems a little far fetched. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 21, 2021 Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 My buddy said he threw a stick 20 miles, but his dog still found it and retrieved it. I don’t know… sounds a little far fetched to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 21, 2021 Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 21, 2021 Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favourite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 21, 2021 Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 My neighbour texted me, "I just made synonym buns!" I texted back, "You mean like grammar use to make?" I haven't heard from her since. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted May 21, 2021 Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 15 hours ago, Bazza said: Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. What do you call fake noodles? Impasta. 15 hours ago, Bazza said: Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek. Meat thieves are gross, but produce thieves are grocer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted May 21, 2021 Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 Why did Sherlock Holmes never pay taxes? Spoiler Because he always made such brilliant deductions mattingly and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 23, 2021 Report Share Posted May 23, 2021 Q: What do you call a flying skunk? Spoiler A: Smell-o-copter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 23, 2021 Report Share Posted May 23, 2021 I thought it would be "duck". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted May 23, 2021 Report Share Posted May 23, 2021 Or a chem-trail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greywind Posted May 23, 2021 Report Share Posted May 23, 2021 When William Penn founded the colony of Pennsylvania, his two maiden aunts moved to Philadelphia. They were very independent ladies who refused to live upon their nephew’s largesse, but they were skilled bakers and they did allow him to set them up in a bakery from which they could support themselves. They did VERY well. In fact, they became very well known, and not just in Pennsylvania. They had customers in the neighboring colonies, as well, and they were especially renowned for the quality of their pies. What they DIDN’T know was that he also quietly instructed the colonial governor to exempt their bakery from any taxes. As a result, they were able to sell their wares more cheaply, and while this was good news for them and their customers, it was terrible news for anyone else who hoped to open a competing bakery. Indeed, most would-be bakers quickly realized they simply couldn’t compete at all. Without a comparable tax break, they could never hope to match the pie rates of Penn’s aunts. Pariah, Lee and Ockham's Spoon 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted May 23, 2021 Report Share Posted May 23, 2021 Mathematicians avoid too much sun exposure cos tan is a sin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 23, 2021 Report Share Posted May 23, 2021 2 hours ago, Greywind said: When William Penn founded the colony of Pennsylvania, his two maiden aunts moved to Philadelphia. They were very independent ladies who refused to live upon their nephew’s largesse, but they were skilled bakers and they did allow him to set them up in a bakery from which they could support themselves. They did VERY well. In fact, they became very well known, and not just in Pennsylvania. They had customers in the neighboring colonies, as well, and they were especially renowned for the quality of their pies. What they DIDN’T know was that he also quietly instructed the colonial governor to exempt their bakery from any taxes. As a result, they were able to sell their wares more cheaply, and while this was good news for them and their customers, it was terrible news for anyone else who hoped to open a competing bakery. Indeed, most would-be bakers quickly realized they simply couldn’t compete at all. Without a comparable tax break, they could never hope to match the pie rates of Penn’s aunts. Pariah and Christougher 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 24, 2021 Report Share Posted May 24, 2021 For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening. Pariah and mattingly 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 24, 2021 Report Share Posted May 24, 2021 1 hour ago, Logan.1179 said: For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening. I need one of those for my classroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 24, 2021 Report Share Posted May 24, 2021 1 hour ago, Pariah said: I need one of those for my classroom. I had an inflatable hammer in my classroom. It was labelled "REALITY." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted May 25, 2021 Report Share Posted May 25, 2021 3 hours ago, Logan.1179 said: For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening. There’s an app you can get for your I-phone for a Brian Blessed alarm clock. You can find out what it sounds like on YouTube. Imagine him shouting you awake every morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 25, 2021 Report Share Posted May 25, 2021 Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 25, 2021 Report Share Posted May 25, 2021 I was so frustrated by the fog this morning that I tried to take a swing at it. Mist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted May 26, 2021 Report Share Posted May 26, 2021 An elderly man complains to his doctor that he is having trouble remembering things. The doctor suggests he write things down so he doesn't forget, and even writes this management technique down for him so he won't forget. The old man's wife tries to get him to use this technique, but he is too stubborn and proud. One evening as the elderly couple is watching TV, the old man gets up and says "I think I will get myself some chocolate ice cream. Do you want any?" "Yes, please," the wife replies. "But I'll have vanilla. Better write that down." "I can remember vanilla ice cream." he says. "Yes, but I would like some strawberries on top too. Better write it down." "Vanilla ice cream with strawberries. I've got it, no need to write it down." "And whipped cream. Put some whipped cream on top. And for goodness sake, write it down." "I don't need to. You want vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. No problem." He goes into the kitchen, and after a long while he returns and hands his wife a plate of eggs and bacon. She looks at it a moment and says "You forgot the toast." Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 26, 2021 Report Share Posted May 26, 2021 Winter Soldier: Let's watch "Little Mermaid" tonight. Falcon: Again? What is it with you and that movie? Winter Soldier: I just really like the little crab guy. Falcon: The "Under the Sea" one? Really? Winter Soldier: I guess you could call me a Sebastian stan. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 28, 2021 Report Share Posted May 28, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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