Jokes

[mattingly]

[Pariah]

Okay, here's my big idea. I'm going to start a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. I'll park it next to Chick-fil-A, and it'll only be open on Sundays.

 

I'm gonna call it "Side Chick". 

[tkdguy]

Why are dogs like phones?

 

Because they have collar IDs.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal
agreement that I wouldn't share the flatbread recipe.

 

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

[Pariah]

I have an emotional support animal. It's a chicken.

 

Specifically, a four-piece. With mashed potatoes, cole slaw, and a biscuit.

[Pariah]

An elementary school teacher was asking her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

 

Susie raised her hand, and the teacher called on her. She said, "My family and I went to the zoo last week. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I'm looking for a sentence using the word fascinate, not fascinating."

 

Maria raised her hand and was called on. She said, "I went to the museum over the weekend and I was fascinated by what I saw." The teacher said, "Again, that's good, but I'm looking for the word fascinate."

 

Then little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher was hesitant, because she knew what little Johnny was like. But nobody else was raising their hand, so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

[Pariah]

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient chicks?

 

"If your father could see you now, he'd roll over in his gravy!"

[Pariah]

Stephen Strange:  "I went forward in time, to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes."

Harry Kim: "How many did you see?"

 

Strange: "14,000,605."

 

Kim: "How many of them have Captain Janeway giving me a promotion?"

 

Strange: "LOL Is that even a serious question?"

[Pariah]

I was working at a grocery store for the holidays when I was younger. One November day I saw a woman looking at the turkeys we had in the freezer case. She couldn't seem to find one she liked.

 

She saw me and called over, "Hey, do these turkeys get any bigger?"

 

"No ma'am," I said. "They're dead."

[Bazza]

What a turkey. 

[Pariah]

Thank you for calling _______ School. To better assist you, please listen to the following menu.

 

To lie about why your child is absent, even though they've been bragging about the family trip to Florida for weeks, press 1.

 

To make excuses for why you child hasn't completed their assignments, press 2.

 

To complain about what we do — or, in most cases, what we don't do — press 3.

 

To curse out a teacher or an administrator, press 4.

 

To ask why you never received critical information that was sent out via e-mail, community bulletin, robo-call, and text alert, press 5.

 

If you refuse to hold your child accountable for their actions and want us to raise them instead, press 6.

 

To request a new classroom for the third time this year because you believe the problem is the teachers and not your child, press 7.

 

To complain about too much homework, or not enough homework, press 8.

 

To complain about pick up, drop off, or busing procedures, press 9.

 

And if you feel like reaching through the phone to slap someone, trust us, we know the feeling.

[Bazza]

Tequilla might not fix your life, but it’s worth a shot. 

[Pariah]

Her: "Where the heck have you been all night?"

 

Him: "Um, I was playing poker with some guys down at the bar."

 

Her: "All night long? Again?"

 

Him: "Well, yeah."

 

Her: "Well, I'm sick of it. You can just pack up your stuff and get out!"

 

Him: "Well, so can you. This isn't our house any more."

[Pariah]

Him: "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

 

Her: "I'm still just really sad that the old lady next door passed away."

 

Him: "It is really sad. I still remember her last words."

 

Her: "You were there? What did she say?"

 

Him: "You've got hold of that ladder, right?'"

[Bazza]

57 minutes ago, Pariah said:

Her: "Where the heck have you been all night?"

 

Him: "Um, I was playing poker with some guys down at the bar."

 

Her: "All night long? Again?"

 

Him: "Well, yeah."

 

Her: "Well, I'm sick of it. You can just pack up your stuff and get out!"

 

Him: "Well, so can you. This isn't our house any more."

 

Open up the door Astrid, cause I'm comin' down the stairs
And I ain't gonna listen to no more pissin' around
I've had seven long years of give a little, take a little
Stack a little money away
And you better believe I'm gonna take this love to town

 

Turn on the tears Astrid, and don't forget to let the neighbours see
What a low down deal you got when you married me
You can drown your days in valium and brandy
Talkin' to the cat and the dog
And you can shove your cheap french vogue society

 

Goodbye, goodbye . . .

Goodbye now babe…
I won't be comin' back for long

 

Open up the door Astrid, and don't try to stand in my way
I'm heading for a long long night to a better day
And don't bother offering to drive me to the station
You'd only drive me round the bend
We're comin' to the end, there's nothin' left to say

[mattingly]

[Pariah]

A sheepdog and a sheep are having dinner at a fancy restaurant. 

 

Sheep: "I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work out. I love you, but you're just too controlling."

 

Sheepdog: "What do you mean, I'm controlling?"

 

Sheep: "You herd me."

[Bazza]

Just be glad it wasn’t a rooster and a hen, where the rooster is hen-pecked.. 

[Pariah]

I'm trying to learn how to play the piano, but my piano is missing one of the pedals.

 

This isn't sustainable.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

No sense in being pessimistic.

 

It wouldn't work anyway.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

A man with authority walks into a bar.

 

He orders everyone a round.

[Pariah]

Why don't sharks eat politicians?

 

Spoiler

Professional courtesy.

 

[Christougher]

1 hour ago, Pariah said:

Why don't sharks eat politicians?

 

  Hide contents

Professional courtesy.

 

 

I thought that was for lawyers.  Which are just the larval form of politicians.  And both leave a bad taste in ypur mouth. 

[tombrown803]

2 hours ago, Christougher said:

 

I thought that was for lawyers.  Which are just the larval form of politicians.  And both leave a bad taste in ypur mouth. 

Personal Experience?

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

People who make buttumptions about their search and replace code, will be embarbutted when they repeat this clbuttic mistake.