Pariah Posted November 22, 2022 Report Share Posted November 22, 2022 To this day, the guy who used to bully me in school still takes my lunch money. But on the plus side, he makes a mean McFlurry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 22, 2022 Report Share Posted November 22, 2022 An old Japanese gardener asked me what I knew about bonsai trees. I said, “Very little.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 23, 2022 Report Share Posted November 23, 2022 "Hey, I need your advice on a gift. What do you think of this?" "Wow, that's a great sampler of gourmet coffees. Somebody is really going to love that." "That's what I needed to know. Thanks!" "If I may ask, who's it for?" "Oh, it's for Robert." "Robert? Your nemesis at work?" "That's right." "Why would you buy an expensive coffee sampler for someone you despise?" "Because Robert drinks the garbage coffee in the break room. He doesn't know what good coffee tastes like. After this, he won't be able to stand the swill at work anymore. He'll either have to stop and buy coffee on the way, or make his own coffee every morning. This gift is going to cost him thousands of dollars a year." "You are one twisted individual." "I really am, aren't I? Hey, wanna go grab a latte?" slikmar, L. Marcus and Ockham's Spoon 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted November 23, 2022 Report Share Posted November 23, 2022 I play baseball with my enemies but I don't pitch or bat just field. I want to catch them out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 23, 2022 Report Share Posted November 23, 2022 Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 23, 2022 Report Share Posted November 23, 2022 A policeman stops a car. Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?” Miner: “Mine.” Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 23, 2022 Report Share Posted November 23, 2022 Hard to pick apart that answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 24, 2022 Report Share Posted November 24, 2022 Kid: minor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted November 24, 2022 Report Share Posted November 24, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 25, 2022 Report Share Posted November 25, 2022 Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Spoiler But other times I let her sleep in. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wcw43921 Posted November 25, 2022 Report Share Posted November 25, 2022 1 hour ago, Logan D. Hurricanes said: Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Reveal hidden contents But other times I let her sleep in. "I HEARD THAT!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 27, 2022 Report Share Posted November 27, 2022 I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof. I was shocked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 29, 2022 Report Share Posted November 29, 2022 I never thought orthopedic shoes really would work for me. But I stand corrected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 29, 2022 Report Share Posted November 29, 2022 Genie: Congratulations! You have three wishes! But there are three rules. First, you can't kill anyone. Second, you can't make anyone fall in love with you. And third, you can't wish for more wishes. Guy: I wish that trees could feel pain. Genie: ... what? Guy: They don't have to make noise or anything. I just want to know they can feel pain. Genie: Okay, there are four rules.... wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 3, 2022 Report Share Posted December 3, 2022 My email password got hacked again. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 3, 2022 Report Share Posted December 3, 2022 Homophones: The difference between knowing your crap and knowing you're crap. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 4, 2022 Report Share Posted December 4, 2022 My wife and I got stuck in an elevator and when we got home, we told the story to our kids. They just looked at us and said, "Soooo... did ya get out?" My wife and I looked at each other and made a pact to go ahead and start drinking away their college fund. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 5, 2022 Report Share Posted December 5, 2022 L. Marcus 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 5, 2022 Report Share Posted December 5, 2022 Pavlov’s investigations were followed by more elaborate experiments by a contemporary, Andrei Nokov. Nokov employed a mime to test whether sound was actually needed to produce the responses in the dogs. HIs work earned him the No Bell Prize. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 5, 2022 Report Share Posted December 5, 2022 I'm a big believer in science. I follow it religiously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 5, 2022 Report Share Posted December 5, 2022 That is not a joke but current practice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 10, 2022 Report Share Posted December 10, 2022 A man was talking to his wife one afternoon. "Hey honey, did you know that too-frequent lovemaking can lead to memory loss?" "Yeah, right," she scoffed. "Where did you hear that?" "I read it on page 697 of the Autumn 2018 issue of Proceedings of the Northeastern Psychiatric Conference. It was April 17th, 2019, at 6:47 p.m. The temperature was 63°F, and there was a light rain outside." She stared at him in disbelief. "Oh," he added, "You'd had a headache the night before " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 11, 2022 Report Share Posted December 11, 2022 Q: Where do you find holiday home decor at Home Depot? A: Aisle B, Home for Christmas wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 13, 2022 Report Share Posted December 13, 2022 I see trees of green Green trees there, too I see the trees They're green, not blue And I think to myself, "I am lost in these woods." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 14, 2022 Report Share Posted December 14, 2022 Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts group. I see a lot of new faces here today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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