mattingly Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Re: Jokes Why don't ghosts have babies? Halloweenies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 10, 2008 Report Share Posted October 10, 2008 Re: Jokes What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Mackinder Posted October 10, 2008 Report Share Posted October 10, 2008 Re: Jokes The first line of your sig fits perfectly in as a reply to that question. Good point. Unintentional, I assure you. THAT would be a day of note - Stalin accusing somebody else of paranoia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 11, 2008 Report Share Posted October 11, 2008 Re: Jokes 10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't 1. So... What did you get in the sack? 2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning! 3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it! 4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks. 5. I got the best piece from that house. 6. Quit screwing around on the porch! 7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling. 8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two hands. 9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you. 10. I bobbed and bobbed but couldn't get my mouth around it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 11, 2008 Report Share Posted October 11, 2008 Re: Jokes Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' The second , from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.' The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order' The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.' But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable. ' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted October 11, 2008 Report Share Posted October 11, 2008 Re: Jokes "Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Jack the Ripper." "It's for you dear!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 13, 2008 Report Share Posted October 13, 2008 Re: Jokes Confucius say: If at first you don't succeed... do it how your wife told you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. Finance: Hail Business Systems is merging with Mary K Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and WA Grace..They are now called Hail Mary Full of Grace. Polygram records, Warner Bros and Zester cracker will become PolyWannaCracker And Zippo Manufacturing, Alde Motors and Deko Mining will be called Zippidydooda! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes How can you tell that a vampire is lazy? He uses leeches. How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts. Why do vampires drink blood? Because coffee keeps them up all day. How do you make a skeleton laugh? Hit him in the funny bone. What's black and white and orange and waddles? A penguin with a Jack-o-lantern. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend. Why do dragons sleep all day? So they can fight knights. Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest? He was dead on his feet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes Why didn't the skeleton go to the senior prom? He had no body to go with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cybertooth Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes Here's a good one... What kind of bread do bison eat? Buffa-loaf! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cybertooth Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes What were the 3 vampires drink order? 2 bloods and a blood-lite! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes You guys are killing me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes As Vlad the Impaler might have said, "Isn't that the point?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A large pizza can still feed a family of four. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes You know what's funnier than Norm's jokes? Everything! Seriously though, the funniest part of that clip was watching him bomb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Re: Jokes Norm was awesome. But I dig meta. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 17, 2008 Report Share Posted October 17, 2008 Re: Jokes For his birthday, David received a fully grown parrot with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example, but nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he may have hurt the bird so he opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped onto David’s arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change of attitude and was about to ask why when the parrot continued with, “May I ask what the chicken did?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted October 17, 2008 Report Share Posted October 17, 2008 Re: Jokes Guy gets into an airplane and is shocked when he sees that his seatmate is a large african parrot. Once the plane is airborn, the stewardesses are walking around making sure everyone is OK. The man is going to ask for a pillow, but the parrot suddenly squawks, "Hey b***h, I need a blanket here -- and make it fast, sweetcheeks!" The stewardess is alarmed, but gives the bird his blanket and hurries off. The man doesn't get his pillow, to his great disappointment. Later, they're starting to bring everyone snacks. Just as the attendent is about to hand the gentleman his peanuts, the parrot squawks, "Hey b***h! Gimme some peanuts!" The stewardess is so shocked she gives the man's peanuts to the bird and hurries away. The man is really frustrated that he didn't get his snack. Then the attendents start to bring drinks. But before the man can order, the parrot squawks, "Hey b***h, bring me a scotch, and make it quick!" By this time, the man has had his fill. He turns to the stewardess and shouts, "Dammit b***h, give me some service here!" Well, the flight crew has had enough. The pilot comes back, along with an air marshall and a burly steward. They grab the man and the parrot, drag them to the back of the plane, open the door, and throw them both out. On the way down, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're pretty mouthy for a guy who can't fly." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Mackinder Posted October 17, 2008 Report Share Posted October 17, 2008 Re: Jokes Back in the good old days of the Soviet Union (!), there is this professor at a Moscow university who owns a parrot. Now, parrots are quite long-lived birds and, over many years of tutelage by the owner, this parrot acquires a quite remarkable vocabulary. Unfortunately, one day somebody leeaves the wrong door open, and the parrot flies away. Upon discovering what has happened, the very first thing the professor does is to phone the KGB and report the missing bird. The KGB man is somewhat puzzled. "Comrade professor, we handle matters of national importance. I am sorry but we cannot help you." The professor responds, "Comrade, in case the parrot is brought to you, I only wanted to assure you beforehand that I do not share his political beliefs..." * * Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 22, 2008 Report Share Posted October 22, 2008 Why is it that only the women laugh at this? I got this story in an email and decided to share. Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a dooz y to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ..and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Re: Jokes "Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Jack the Ripper." "It's for you, dear!" *** "I wish I had a glass of water." "Why, are you thirsty?" "No, I just want to see if my neck leaks." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 Re: Jokes A guy walks into a psychologist's office. He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've got a real problem." "What is it?" The Doctor asks. "I keep thinking I'm a labrador." "Wow, that is a problem," replies the Doctor. "Jump up on the couch and tell me all about it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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